My ex misses me?

[alackofcolor]

Brief recap:

My ex, whom I dated for over 2 years, broke up with me back in April. We didn't speak for 3 months. I never initiated contact with him, but he began texting me once a month. He text me yesterday, we caught up a bit as usual, and he told me to let him know if I decided to go out last night if it wasn't too weird for me. That was the first hint ever of hanging out. Well, we ended up hanging out for the first time since the breakup.

He told me he misses me, and that's why he randomly texts me. He asked if I missed him, if I regret dating him, and asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him I wasn't exclusively seeing anyone, and asked if he was. He told me not really, and then said he doesn't want a relationship right now with anyone because he doesn't have time, likes being able to go do whatever, and only have his problems to worry about instead of the addition of relationship issues. He told me he was sorry for hurting me, that I looked beautiful, etc.

He mentioned a few things about our relationship, like how I wanted his whole world to revolve around me. I told him that I think differently about relationships now that I can see ours in hindsight. I told him I realized everything I had been doing wrong. He kept hugging me, and we held hands for awhile, but didn't kiss. As I was leaving, he told me, "shoot me a text sometime." So I leave, and he sends me a few texts right away, just casual talk.

I thought I was over him, but seeing him made me miss him, and made me wish he wanted to get back together. But he told me he doesn't want a relationship right now. What do I do now? He said he wanted to hang out again... should I do that? I honestly don't know what to do next. I want to protect myself from getting hurt, but I would love to get back together with him. I haven't brought up our relationship, or said anything about getting back together, and I wouldn't rush into anything if it were to happen.

I've heard from people that he's probably just contacting me for an ego boost. But why does he need one from me, if he has other girls that like him? (I know that for certain). I've heard he'll probably want to get back together later, but I'm really doubting that since he said he doesn't want a R. I've heard he probably just misses me and wanted to see me since it had been so long, and not to look into it more than that.

Can anyone shed some light on what's going on, or what I should do next? I guess nobody knows for sure what's going on, but I'd like some opinions, or to hear similar experiences! Thanks

[Bumble_bee]

he was probably being honest about not wanting a relationship right now...which would explain why rather than him puttting work into anyone new, he is coming to you.... I might well be jumping straight into this conclusion, but I think he is looking for a bed buddy...

[Primo]

Don't worry about what other people say.

From a guy's perspective, he may really miss you and want you back. Nothing that you wrote raised my eyebrow at all.

I think he's just saying in a casual manner, yes I want you back.

[lahnnabell]

Saying, "I want you back" after this much time, if he means it, should not be a casual gesture. If he wants you, he wants you. None of this, "Hey, we should sort of hang out sometime. Let's maybe go to the movies or grab dinner. Let's maybe makeout afterward."

Though he may miss you it doesn't directly indicate that things will work this time around. Sounds like you self-admittedly had your priorities in the wrong order, which is a big thing for you to admit. So, good job on the growth

However, he's also pussy-footing around with wanting you in his life/not wanting a relationship makes it sound like HIS priorities are now out of whack. Ask him for a straight up answer. I guarantee you even if you stay friends only that you'll be in bed together shortly after, relationship or not.

[Carmen]

It seems like he misses you and maybe wanted to see how it felt hanging out with you again...I think you did great by letting him know you feel different about the relationship now, shows him that maybe this time apart was good for the relationship if you get back together. I don't think he is just trying to sleep with you, he can do that with other girls.
I don't think he necessarily needs to come and say "I want you back" to really mean it. He is probably unsure but is thinking about it and needs to see how it feels to hang out with you now. If you think getting back together would be good then keep doing what you're doing, let him contact you again, don't show too much interest but be friendly, hang out with him but don't sleep with him until you know you're back in a relationship with him...
I think that this could work if you are patient and take it one step at a time, let him work for it..
Good luck,

[Cbrider]

Well SOB, look who decided to drop by

He seems too sincere to be doing it for an ego boost, but too distant about commitment to see anything real come of it at this point.

You can't have one foot in the water with this kind of stuff, either ask him or forget it.

[Carmen]

If you go and start asking him to decide right now you won't be giving the relationship a chance to develop naturally...he is obviously interested, he wouldn't be hanging out with you otherwise. Let him get to see you as you are now, probably more independent, more confident, less needy...let him fall in love with you again...he won't if you start demanding answers. You are "friends" now so enjoy each others company and don't show expectations. I know he said he's not thinking about being in a relationship right now but that could change if he begins to enjoy hanging out with you too much to let it go.

Keep positive, if you talk about the relationship only talk about the good times--laugh about the sad times-
I know many people who got back together after breaking up and are happier than ever-

[alackofcolor]

Thanks for all the replies.

He has been talking to me (initiating the contact) every day since I saw him, either texting or calling. However, most of what he talks about is something that happened the other night. He got arrested for urinating in public (he was inebriated). Ridiculous. So now it's like he's keeping me updated because every time he contacts me he tells me something new about what's going on with that whole situation. Then he'll make small talk. I wonder if the law issue is just an excuse to talk to me or if we're genuinely "FRIENDS" now?

He has brought up a few times something very traumatic that happened during the time that we dated that had a deep impact on our relationship, but other than that we haven't discussed our relationship then or now. He hasn't been flirty or sweet - just friendly. And the fact that he blatantly told me he doesn't want a relationship right now sticks out in my mind.

I guess I'll take this opportunity to let him see that my priorities have changed, and I've resolved all of the issues I had while we were together. I have grown a LOT. This was both of ours' first serious, long-term relationship, so it has been a huge learning experience. I don't even know if there's a point in letting him see that I've changed? I'm so confused.

I don't know what he wants with me. I guess I'm going to just let things evolve, see what happens. But still, I'm not going to pursue him... that's his job at this point. And I'm definitely keeping my guard up and will absolutely not sleep with him unless we're back together. Also, I'm going to keep dating other people because I find it unlikely he and I will get back together. I'm just confused about what he wants with me. He always USED to tell me, "I could NEVER only be your friend," but he doesn't want a relationship. So we're really "just friends" now? I will honestly be surprised if he asks me to hang out again, but he has surprised me so far by contacting me every day since seeing me, when he used to only text me once a month. I'll be surprised to hear from him today because there's nothing else to update me on about his law troubles now. I guess time will reveal some things.

[Carmen]

Hmm...He sounds immature with all those "law problems"...not cool. Him acting that way may make you realize you don't like him as much as you thought you did..I would imagine that he would be sweet and flirty if he was considering getting back with you--maybe he is just afraid that you'll say no and he'll look like a fool...I just don't understand why he keeps contacting you though- I don't think he just wants a friend, he would pick someone else. Sounds like he probably doesn't know it either...just stay friendly and see what happens. If you start feeling like this isn't going anywhere maybe you should tell him that you rather not be friends. I don't see how people can be friends with their exs..
Good luck!

[alackofcolor]

I don't understand why he keeps contacting me either, Carmen! It doesn't make sense. It's been over a week since I last posted, and he has continued to contact me every day except yesterday (and today, so far).

This week he has been talking casually to me for hours, about random things. He has sent me pictures of recent things going on in his life. He requested to be my friend on facebook. He asked if I was going to be in a certain part of town the other day, so he could get a sweater of his that I have. I said no, so he asked me for the 3rd time if he could get it from me sometime soon. This past weekend, he was out drinking with friends and was texting me the whole time, which I found surprising. He's been asking what my family thinks about us talking again. He's been joking around, kinda flirty-ish, but hasn't said I miss you, or anything complimentary or anything.

He hasn't asked me to hang out, however. So what is this?! It's only been two weeks since I saw him and since we've been talking, so maybe I need to give it more time. I feel a little down when I don't hear from him, so that can't be a good sign. I genuinely thought I was over him until he popped back into my life.

Maybe he's just talking to me to get his stupid sweater back. Who knows.

[flea]

I find it interesting that he has this much power over you.

you want to know one way or the other right? play a little hardball and force it out of him by ignoring his stupid stories and texts (bloody texts, don't people just talk anymore?), and he will probably come to you with a wtf? then it's a simple matter of telling him that you're confused by all this communication, and would like to know what he's after. put him on the back foot, and chances are he'll come out with it, or leave you alone.

one way you'll have your answer, the other way, you'll be back to where you were (just fine) before this whole thing began. btw, I'm suggesting this tactic because you said you want answers, and I think it will work.

[IndiReloaded]

He seems too sincere to be doing it for an ego boost, but too distant about commitment to see anything real come of it at this point.

You can't have one foot in the water with this kind of stuff, either ask him or forget it.

I agree with this^.

But don't get your hopes up. This guy isn't giving the signals of 'into you' so much as 'amused by you'. Some guys will flirt & lead on a gal for the ego boost. Same as girls do. So just ask already. Move on if he's at all ambiguous. At that point, doesn't really matter if its b/c he's goofy, playing, whatever. Relationships shouldn't start with a Question mark.

[Carmen]

I agree with flea, don't entertain him any longer. Tell him you're confused by this, but don't say you're hurt or anything like that...just show him that you're not going to follow his game- it may push him to be serious about it and explain what he is after or realize you're not going to be his "friend"

[t0ri]

The last I heard from him was almost a week ago, and I ignored him. I have not heard from him since, and apparently - he either believes, or is just telling people, that he found out I cheated on him, and has been calling me a "dumb slut" (among other things I'm sure). This may understandable IF I did cheat on him, but I didn't. I have no idea where this came from, and he has not talked to me about it! I'm assuming he hasn't talked to me because he believes this to be true.

So...

I have met someone new, and am not interested in getting back together with my ex now.

BUT WHY has he not talked to me about it, if he believes it? He's just going to believe whoever told him this with no proof, without saying a word about it to me? And should I not even care about this? I don't want to be viewed as a cheater, and it really bothers me he thinks this/tells people this. I can't say anything to him, though, because I'm not supposed to know about this.

**and to note, t0ri is my original screen name. I had forgotten my password and created alackofcolor.

[chrisy]

You both were once involved - just clarify the matter with him and move on.