Confused & depressed about my ex

[appleCore]

Alright, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend (argh – no my ex-boyfriend) for three years. We’re both 21. We were faithful, and in love, and we had a very intense relationship. We also had continuous fights, probably because we are so similar. I always wanted to leave him when we fought (because I couldn’t handle the stress) but I never pulled through with it because I loved him too much and believed he loved me. I felt like there was no one else in the world like him, who understood me so deeply. I thought he cared too; we both knew we had an unhealthy relationship and it had to end sometime. But not like this, he’s done a complete turn around over the last couple of weeks. He says he doesn’t want me because all of the times I tried to break up with him had ruined his self esteem. It was a rash end to the relationship; I broke up with him and took him back (as usual). A couple of hours later I got upset at him because he wouldn’t talk to me and wanted to flirt with an 18 year old girl he had met after we had a fight recently. He got so angry at me causing a fuss that he told me “That’s it, it’s over”. Now after he’s dumped me he’s seeing her more and more (although of course one of his reasons for carrying through with the break up was that he wanted to be alone and get his shit sorted, haha, no I'm not bitter ; ) ).

I felt so hurt and unwanted by him and so aggravated by this girl that my self esteem plummeted and I made the stupidest mistake of my life; I ****ed an acquaintance of mine. I felt used and regretted it immediately, even during. My ex is now using this excuse to get over me, calling me “dirty” and saying he will go out with this girl when he is over me because he likes her and she will treat him right. I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for hurting me so much. I know I hurt him, but sex is only physical, the emotional pain I feel everyday wondering if they’re cuddling or if he’s smiling his special smile at her kills me. I feel like he doesn’t respect my feelings at all (he even told me outright to go home because I was intimidating her by having a serious talk to him at the bar we were hanging out at). I still love him but I know he’ll never take me back. Or maybe he is trying to make me jealous, but in that case I’m sick of the games and wish he could be honest with his feelings.

My question is how can I restore my faith in love? I’m so emotionally drained. Of course I’m not ready to start dating at all (unlike him) and I would feel like I was playing a power game if I started flirting with people. I want him back but I don’t know if I want him back for the right reasons. It’s just so hurtful that he appears to have to no problems getting over me and coping with the break up. He’s made more new friends over the past two weeks than he’s done in the last three years combined. Am I really that bad? How do I get over these emotions? And how do I stop these though-lopes of wanting him back? I mean, it’s almost like I want him to want me back, but I don’t want him (as selfish as that sounds), but then I do . . . (etc). Also, unfortunately I feel so bitter that I’m not sure I can even hang onto him as a friend, although he would like that. I would just feel so hurt and used and resentful that he’s endangered a five year friendship for a two week aquantaince.

I’ve been quite depressed lately (my dad has been away for 6 months) and this seems like a very devastating situation for me to be in. I’ve started anti-depressants yesterday, and am hoping they will make me into an emotionless zombie like they did last time I was on them : ). I feel like losing him is like losing a very important special part of my life and I just don’t want to let go. But I can’t keep hoping forever can I? I really don’t know whether he’s being completely insensitive or his getting drunk and flirting with her is just escapism. Anyone venture to guess? Most of my friends are his friends too (oh – don’t ever get into that situation again, Sarah) and although they are great how can I hang out with them when he’s around?
In conclusion: coping strategies (please), self esteem issue (am I that terrible that it's all my fault and he doesn’t want me back?) and deciding whether to still be his friend even though I can’t fathom how he’s acting ???

[Rach]

Alright, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend (argh – no my ex-boyfriend) for three years. We’re both 21.

Just down below you say he endangered a relationship of 5 years?

I know I hurt him, but sex is only physical, the emotional pain I feel everyday wondering if they’re cuddling or if he’s smiling his special smile at her kills me. I feel like he doesn’t respect my feelings at all (he even told me outright to go home because I was intimidating her by having a serious talk to him at the bar we were hanging out at). I still love him but I know he’ll never take me back. Or maybe he is trying to make me jealous, but in that case I’m sick of the games and wish he could be honest with his feelings.

Sex is NOT only physical when you're in love with someone, so IF he had any feelings left for you, you may have shattered them by sharing yourslef in that way with someone else. He may be staying with this girl even longer now, or forever simply because you went out and slept with someone else. But, I agree, you should both be honest with your feelings toward each other.

My question is how can I restore my faith in love? I’m so emotionally drained. Of course I’m not ready to start dating at all (unlike him) and I would feel like I was playing a power game if I started flirting with people. Also, unfortunately I feel so bitter that I’m not sure I can even hang onto him as a friend, although he would like that. I would just feel so hurt and used and resentful that he’s endangered a five year friendship for a two week aquantaince.

You just simply need to move on if he seriously wants to keep it ended. Yoou jsut need to keep reminding yourself what happened was not all your fault, relationships start with 2 people, and 2 people have to end it...

Most of my friends are his friends too (oh – don’t ever get into that situation again, Sarah) and although they are great how can I hang out with them when he’s around?

That's a very tough situation to be in I know! That's while in a relationship, you should aways try to keep some of YOUR OWN friends, so your not later stuck in a situation like this.



SUGGESTION-- Talk to him, ask him how he feels now...If there is any way he'd forgive and forget and get back together, or not. Based on what he tells you then, and how he acts you should be able to see if he still has any feelings left, and yoou can make your choice based on that. BUT, don't play all desperate to get him back! Because if you have to do that, he's not worth it, actually no guy is. And, as for the friedns thing, sometimes it's just too hard to go backwards and become friends with someone you were once more with... So, good luck with it all!

[cbee]

I have a different opinion to Rachel.

a) you weren't together when you slept with the other guy so it isn't really any of his business. Yes, he will have been hurt by it but that's no reason for him to take it out on you. Concentrate on you, everyone makes mistakes, just accept it's one of those things that happens & resolve not to do it again if you feel that bad about it.

b) I think you should leave working on a friendship with him for the moment. Work on yourself - you say you're feeling depressed so go out do things to make yourself feel better. Get a new hobby etc...

c) You said in your first paragraph that the relationship was unhealthy, so surely it's a good thing that it has actually ended. DOn't feel like you have to rely on him to get self-esteem. Do things for yourself and eventually you'll feel like getting into a relationship (WITH SOMEONE ELSE) & believe in love again.

Best of luck!!!

[appleCore]

[QUOTE=Rach]Just down below you say he endangered a relationship of 5 years?

A "friendship" of 5 years (a relationship for 3 of those years)

thanks for the advice : )

I feel terrible about having the fling with this other guy, but it meant nothing to me emotionally (in fact he was the worse guy to chose which is probably why I did it). I feel like this girl he likes has a potential to replace me. I would honestly be able to cope with him having a one night stand so much easier.

[Jenrick285]

Actually methinks both cbee and rach is right, but it really depends on the person. For some guys, the physical interaction is worse than the emotional interaction.

I think he is showing signs on moving on too, with meeting different people, which doesn't have anything to do with you, so I would venture to say you're not bad =)
But ...
I would go out and keep myself busy, and keep in mind that relationships takes two, and if he doesn't want to be together then it might be time for you to move on as well.

[cbee]

we both knew we had an unhealthy relationship and it had to end sometime.

Just hold onto that thought.

If you're meant to be friends you'll get there, just don't badger him & push him away but remember it's always hard moving on from someone you care about.

Best of luck

[Anthony]

I wrote a reasonably long reply but after reading it, the majority of my comments seemed quite negative, which isn't likely to assist you. Jenrick's reply is definitely pointing in the right direction: try to manage as best you can, and hope for the best.

[toto]

I think you made things very clear in his mind when you slept with another guy, talking from experiance that changes things for guys cos what they thought was special and theirs is destroyed and made cheep and nobody wants that.

.......Again this is quite negative but it might help to understand what hes thinking (in my view)

But mistakes happen and we learn from them so take what you can from the relationship and move on.

[gsgann22]

My question is how can I restore my faith in love? TIME, a simple four letter word but so hard to do, because you can't make it, you can't find it, it just happens. I was engaged to be married with a girl I dated for three years she started out as a lond distance relationship and then she moved in to town and we were in love. She was my best friend and she meant the world to me, and she got scared and ran. She broke up on a thursday and moved to Arizona (a little ways from Alabama) on friday to live with her family. It hurt, I am a man and I cried like a baby. I lost my friend, my lover, my fiance and life all in one broad stroke. It took me a while to get over and all this happened in 94. I haven't even had a realtionship for more the a six-nine months since, but I am ready now, and just now I am starting to really look. I say all this to assure you it may take awhile but you will move on. Forgive yourself realize it isn't your fault and there is NOTHING you can do to fix it, it is over. I am sorry. I know he used sleeping with the other guy as a reason but thats horseshit, excuse me, 1. he is most likely sleeping with the other girl 2. he was looking for a reason. If you wouldn't gave him one he would have made it up so forgive yourself first. You are not "dirty" because you made a bad choice you wanted to feel attreactive again and that's normal. You are special, God made us all so I know that. I want to ask you a question, what are you good at? be honest and write as many as you can think of. (after you do I will show you something that someone showed me that helped me move on)

[appleCore]

My question is how can I restore my faith in love? TIME, a simple four letter word but so hard to do, because you can't make it, you can't find it, it just happens.

That's true. At the moment I feel deeply lost without him. Like your experience, it’s also like losing my best friend. We talked to each other at least everyday for three years - it was very intense. I believed our love would go on for a long long time, if not life. He frequently mentioned marriage and us growing old together. He said he thought we were meant to be together (just thinking about it hurts).

I was engaged to be married with a girl I dated for three years she started out as a lond distance relationship and then she moved in to town and we were in love. She was my best friend and she meant the world to me, and she got scared and ran. She broke up on a thursday and moved to Arizona (a little ways from Alabama) on friday to live with her family. It hurt, I am a man and I cried like a baby. I lost my friend, my lover, my fiance and life all in one broad stroke. It took me a while to get over and all this happened in 94.

I am sorry : (

I haven't even had a realtionship for more the a six-nine months since, but I am ready now, and just now I am starting to really look. I say all this to assure you it may take awhile but you will move on. Forgive yourself realize it isn't your fault and there is NOTHING you can do to fix it, it is over.

Thank you. This really made me feel so much better : ). It gave me some hope that things will get better and there is life after a break-up. I think I've finally realised that it's over. I kept holding onto the hope that we would get back together. Here are some more details about what happened and why I was never sure where exactly I stood with him. It is long winded and a bit depressing (so skip it if you want) but sometimes it helps me to write about things to understand them:

The same night he broke up with me he stayed on at the bar drinking and hanging out with this girl and her friends (a friend told me he had his arm around her). A few days later I went around to his house with white flowers (I had picked from my garden) and a card saying "You still have my heart". I asked if he would take me back if I promised to try and stop fighting. I suggested we try counseling together (which he had suggested before) or whatever he wanted. He acted completely cold and unforgiving, saying "I feel dead", "I'm confused" and “I don’t know if I want to try again”. He told me not to hope that we would get back together. When I got home from his house that night I talked to my mum and she reassured me that I would get over him and didn’t need him. I felt much better. Then he called me! He asked me if I was ok. I said I was much better. Then he asked me in an aggressive tone "What changed your tune?" and accused me of playing with his emotions. Presumably because I said I wanted him back but wasn’t depressed enough when he called? So obviously he doesn’t trust that I love him enough.

A week later, said he wanted me back but he wouldn’t commit to it. He was still hanging out with this girl and texting her all the time. He would get drunk every night and not call me. He wouldn’t listen to any of my concerns about this, saying we weren’t going out so it didn’t matter. Following this I felt so rejected, unloved and unwanted by him that I made my “big mistake”. I hoped it would help me get over him, because I was so sick of the whole emotional mess and the fact that he couldn't be honest about what he wanted. I confessed about what I had done the next day. He insisted on knowing every detail. In actual fact the incident made me feel used and violated by a guy who I thought was a friend. I hated talking about it and I was a mess. I cried and cried. He later confessed to me that he had kissed FOUR people that very same night and felt up a girl. Apparently they all hit on him and he didn’t say no. He said he couldn’t forgive me ever. A couple of days later he said he MIGHT forgive me one day . I told him I loved him. I told him I didn’t care if he took me back or not; I just wanted him to know what a special person I thought he was.

A couple of days later I saw him flirting with the girl at the bar and felt totally gutted. He was making all the effort to talk to her, and it hurt me so much. He told me he liked her, and she would treat him right and that when he was over me he would probably go out with her. I was gutted : (. I couldn’t keep on caring about him so much if he was so completely oblivious to my feelings. Two days later he called me up. I kept it short and impersonal (because I thought he needed to sort his feelings out). He was insulted and said “I’ve been waiting all day to talk to you, and this is what I get!” He said how much he missed me and asked "Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn't sleep with him and I hadn't met her". I said that I was trying to accept what had happened, and that at least my mistake was a learning experience for me and something I would not do again. He asked me why I didn’t care about him anymore; I said it was too hurtful to care about him as much as I used to. I was giving him signs that I didn’t want him because I was so hurt.

It's so hard to deal with the fact that he is moving on. I know I'm pushing him away at the moment by being like this but I am so hurt. I stupidly got really upset today and sent him messages like "You don't care about my feelings. How could you hurt me like this?" etc. Obviously this is not helping so I'm going to try and stop thinking about him for a while and think about me instead. He texted me saying that he "Just wants to be happy now". Although I want him to be happy it is upsetting that he is moving on so quickly. It’s incredibly hurful knowing this girl can make him happier than me. I’m the one who’s loved him and been there for him for three years, I helped him sort a lot of his emotional shit out. I drove him around always because he never had a car or a job. I put up with a lot because I loved him.

Messed up, isn't it? The reason why I didn’t say I missed and loved him when he said he missed me was because I felt like he was playing with my emotions. It seems like whenever I stop caring about him he gets resentful, but if I do I hurt myself. I don't know what to do. If he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me he should have said so from the start (regardless of whether there was another person in the picture). I feel like lead me on and kept me around until he was sure where he stood with her. If she wasn't around he probably would have stayed with me. He said he still wants me to be a special friend but I'm hurting so much that I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be his friend.

I am sorry. I know he used sleeping with the other guy as a reason but thats horseshit, excuse me, 1. he is most likely sleeping with the other girl 2. he was looking for a reason. If you wouldn't gave him one he would have made it up so forgive yourself first. You are not "dirty" because you made a bad choice you wanted to feel attreactive again and that's normal. You are special, God made us all so I know that. I want to ask you a question, what are you good at? be honest and write as many as you can think of. (after you do I will show you something that someone showed me that helped me move on)

Thank you so much for your reply. You gave me some hope and made me feel like a better person : ). It made me feel better about the world and love. I’ve been racked with guilt and negative feelings after this terrible break up and really need a little bit of inspiration to get through the day.

Here is my list for you. I’m looking forward to your reply : )

Writing
Listening to my friends
Studying
Gardening/ weeding
Reading
Singing in the shower (???)
Making my cat happy
Dancing
Sleeping
Loving my family
Being by myself (when I’m not depressed about being dumped)
Painting
Decorating my room
Keeping promises

[appleCore]

Sex is NOT only physical when you're in love with someone, so IF he had any feelings left for you, you may have shattered them by sharing yourslef in that way with someone else. He may be staying with this girl even longer now, or forever simply because you went out and slept with someone else. But, I agree, you should both be honest with your feelings toward each other.

I agree entirely. I meant it was only physical with this other guy, that is, I had no emotional connection with him and didn't love him.

SUGGESTION-- Talk to him, ask him how he feels now...If there is any way he'd forgive and forget and get back together, or not. Based on what he tells you then, and how he acts you should be able to see if he still has any feelings left, and yoou can make your choice based on that. BUT, don't play all desperate to get him back! Because if you have to do that, he's not worth it, actually no guy is. And, as for the friedns thing, sometimes it's just too hard to go backwards and become friends with someone you were once more with... So, good luck with it all!

To late, I've already acted quite desperate. I can't help it, when I think about losing someone I love, I get quite upset. I have been trying to think more positively about being on my own and not needing a guy. I love him, but we've gone through such difficult times and I've gotten so hurt that I don't think we have the energy or trust to make it work anymore.

Thank you for you advice : )

[blue]

i think its weird how its hard for people to brake up especiallly when things are just not right. i have realized that there is more to a relationship than just having this overwhelming feeling of love. i mean i belive in love and it does take you far but thats not enough there are other things that need to go in the eqaution like respect loyalty communication attraction physically and menatlly. and so much more...love does not conquer all. this is not directd at ne one here but im just saying sometimes things Dont work and us as human beings strive to hold on...when we should really learn to let go and move on. some of us have a hard time with that.

[cbee]

hear hear blue

[appleCore]

Well he wants me back now. No ifs or buts he just straight wants me back. He said he'll treat me right and we can work on our relationship. I am in the middle of exams at the moment so I've put off my decision until I can think more clearly . . . I've told him my main concern is whether I'll get hurt by him rejecting me again. I also was just starting to get over him and enjoy being single and have hope for better relationships in the future (no person in particular but just a general feeling optimism, probably aided by the Prozac). Now I feel pressured to get back with him because he claims to love me so much and that he will treat me like a princess. I told him that in any case I needed time to sort out my feelings; I'm not even sure I'm in love with him any more. What should I do???

[blue]

WAIT YOU SAID THE WORD PRESSURE! This word is key here and i know because i just got out of same thing where we brake up and then he put all this pressure on me to get back with him. all i have to say if you feel pressure do not make any moves! You just said that you dont think you love him anymore and to be honest here you did loose love for him that you probrably wont gain back because of the way that he hurt you. My best advice follow your gut think with your mind and do not let him pressure you or make you feel guilty, because i think you will end up at square one again.
i suggest no contact at all foc yourself. you are not a yoyo to be played with.