Advice needed

[Paulo]

Hi all,

It's been a little while since I've been on here, and things for me have changed a bit.

After being in an 8 year relationship to find out I was cheated on for the last year of it was pretty tough to take.

Well, I'm not worried too much about her anymore, I'm more concerned with me. I can't quite figure out what is going on in my head and could use a few pointers.

We've been split up for about 8 months now, and I can say now that I don't miss her anymore (never thought I'd be able to say that)

However, it has left its mark on me. I find myself wanting to get into another relationship but every time I get to know someone, I just push them away. I have met quite a lot of girls in the last few months...sometimes get their numbers, sometimes go out with them but almost immediately say to myself...this is going nowhere and end all contact with them...Also, I think I'm turning into a complete tart, regularly found kissing different girls, sometimes 2 or 3 a night...and its becoming a need! It's just not like me, and I don't why I'm doing it?

Has anyone else found themselves behaving like this?

I also find myself getting really angry when I think about the way my ex treated me, and wonder if I'm just punishing all these other girls to get back at her?

So it seems to me, that the one thing I want, which is to meet someone nice is the very thing I'm so destructive about...Why??

[girl68]

You're doing it for all the reasons you think you are.

Next time when you find yourself doing the stupid shit you talk about there, stop for just a second and think about what you're about to do.

You're not posessing any self control. That's really what it comes down to. Start thinking about what you're going to do before you do it. Get in the habit of that, and it will become second nature.

You need to tell yourself that there are good girls out there. You need to say that over and over again eventually you'll believe it. Tell yourself that you're a good guy and "good guys" don't do ______________. If you keep thinking along those lines it will be no time before you really start believing it and change your behavior to agree with it as well.

[updownup]

I think that you changed the way of your life after breaking up with your girlfriend.ıI think that you are taking revenge on your new girlfriends because of your old darling.in my opinion you are doing these kind of thing in order to forget about your old girlfriend.
You shouldnt do it
Am I right?

[RonHH]

Been there Done that !!!
Girl68 is right on it !! Thumbs up.

[girl68]

Been there Done that !!!
Girl68 is right on it !! Thumbs up.

Use your head... think about things and tell youself those things your head... All will be well if you work at it

Have fun dating and know all us ladies are not cheating hoe bags!

[Paulo]

I know you're right, but I start off with the best intentions as I would really like to meet someone...its just when I've had a few drinks it all seems like a good idea...but afterwards I just shut down...How am I supposed to meet someone when I keep contradicting myself?? Oh and I've made an agreement with myself to cut the drink out so I don't do it so much...What worries me is that its becoming a need and is becoming the very thing that is defining me...Every other area of my life is pretty much sorted except my love life.

[bluesummer]

Yeah, Paulo, I was totally in your shoes.

My husband was cheating on me, I eventually had the balls to leave him. I was SO pissed off at men and started not really truly being able to trust any of them. I would meet guys and date them, I'd realize I couldn't feel anything for them so I'd blow them off callously.

I was angry for such a long time.....it took me about a year and a half for my anger to get down to a level where it didn't affect my perceptions of men and relationships. I can't tell you what changed.

I think you have at least recognized your behaviour, which is a start. Just start asking yourself what is motivating you to be this way. You're allowed to be angry, but don't let it consume or affect your life. Maybe just stay away from women for awhile until you feel you're a little better sorted out.

[Paulo]

I know it sounds sad, but I feel so lonely...and would like nothing more than to have my arms around a woman I truly loved...however, there's like this void inside me thats so full of anger and I just can't seem to satiate it and I don't know how to let it go!

[bluesummer]

Yeah, but the contradictory part is you aren't really ready to love yet. You have to consider not only what another person will do for you, but what you can do for another person. If you're still emotionally flawed, you're a liability.

What makes you angry? That she betrayed you? That you feel naive or vulnerable?

[Paulo]

All of it...the lies, the deception, the fact that I trusted her...the sneaking around behind my back...that he's supposed to be so much "Nicer" than I am... and the fact that I'm the one single back in the dating game and she's all happy and in Love...so she's told me!! And mostly, the fact I have these feelings, because she's not worth it and doesn't deserve it!!
I'm so not over it yet lol...I thought I was... although, i genuinely don't miss her.
So what am i supposed to do? stay at home and feel sorry for myself?

[bluesummer]

No, go out and have a life and get so wrapped up in being busy that she doesn't cross your mind. She only tells you the stuff she's telling you to be a malicious bitch, she wants you to feel bad. Which is pretty awful, considering she cheated on you, too. Sounds like she's an awful person, and she'll eventually get what's coming to her.

Don't worry about the past, you can't change it now. How can you be angry about something that you can't change? Chalk it up to experience, learn from it, and tell yourself that the only place to go from here is up.

I hope you don't talk to her still. If you do, cut that out immediately, that will be your downfall.

[Paulo]

I do...I'm so busy I'm on burn out...don't know if I'm coming or going...

You've summed her up perfectly...have you met her lol she's pure evil that one.

No, I don't talk to her anymore and haven't done for a couple of months, which is why I was expecting these feelings to abate...I guess I just need more time.

Thanks for listening...but need to go to bed now.

Big hug to everyone...it really helps to get it off my chest xx