1st post advice needed! 18 months to 3 off...

[monoxide]

A few years ago I was dating a guy who I loved a lot but I never thought he was really what I was looking for in life. He wasn't the guy I imagined myself with in the future. After breaking his heart (I felt terrible), I found a new guy right away. This new guy was a friend for two years prior. I just felt like I wasn't over my ex yet because it was really quick when I found the new one. I told the new one that and he said he didn't care because he liked me a lot. Over the next 18 months, we had a relationship which was up and down. Overall, it was a good experience and we traveled everywhere together, something I never did with the ex. We are very alike. But due to the fact that we spent the second half our our relationship physically apart (mostly), I told him we had to end it. He was devastated and has literally not stopped trying to talk to me ever since. I won't lie when I say that I've also been contacting him too, but I just feel really bad for him because he says that he would sacrifice his entire life right now for me. He wants to move half way across the world (literally from Europe to western USA) and try to find a job near me. He says that he was stupid before and never realized what kind of girl I was until it was officially over (of course he would say that, right girls?).

Here's the problem.

I do love him but I do not feel like giving him another chance, but then again, maybe it would be worth it? He had 18 months to figure this out but he couldn't until he saw how serious I was about breaking it off with him / putting me through the misery of that. I've been on a couple of dates with a few random guys but I'm not serious with any of them. I'm just trying to get over him. I haven't went further than a date. I have also been seeing the ex-boyfriend who I had broken up with prior to dating the one who wants me back. Nothing more than friends at the moment. He has changed a lot and I feel I could use the company. He's never treated me badly but the recent boyfriend sounds more serious than ever before and that he might want to finally commit to me for the long term. He was a great guy but it was just the distance and constant let-downs of thinking he might some day move to where I was, just to be with me. Now that he finally wants to do it... it's 2-3 months too late.

Do I take him back after a couple of months of putting him through hell on the phone or will he rub that in my face in what could be a future argument? I know that if he moved to near where I am he wouldn't be happy with his surroundings but he says he doesn't care as long as it's with me. Do I get into another relationship with my old ex-boyfriend to see if he's changed because we're both a little bit older now? Should I stay single? I can't make up my mind here. I know he wasn't what I was looking for before but this town is full of nuts and he's one of the few normal people I've been fortunate enough to encounter in the few years I've been here.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in some sort of a love-triangle without even being involved in a single relationship! I'm not trying to be difficult either. Please give me some advice!

[qwertz]

the fact that your even asking on here tells me that you shouldnt encourage him to give up everything to come be with you if your not even sure you want him. You sound like you want the attention/company, that is not good enough reason to have him move accross the world for you...

[monoxide]

That is true. I haven't really talked to him much in the past few days because I told him that I hung out with my ex-boyfriend a couple of times (when I talked to him last). He sounded like he was fine with it when I told him but then he got weird and sent me a ton of emails that I haven't responded to yet (nothing threatening, just about how much he loves me)... I told him that we shouldn't be talking as much as we have been but I know that he's hurting and I don't like seeing that happen.

I don't want that but I feel like I'm hurting him more by trying to be friends with him. I love him but think that he's let me down by not wanting to commit until after I tried breaking it off with him for two months. He had a year and a half to do it before! I think my problem is that I love him too much and don't want to see him come all the way here and have him decide he doesn't love me as much as I love him.

I'm really confused!

[Gigabitch]

Right now, all he's doing is talking a lot and acting dramatic. If he REALLY wants to move there, he can. Just tell him you're not giving him any guarantees that it will work out and give him the reasons you've given us.

You can't expect him to be cool with you hanging out with your ex. That's just cold. It doesn't mean you can't do it, just don't expect Mr. Passionate to approve.

I really doubt your ex has changed into a completely different person. The reasons you broke up are most likely still there, so I'd be cautious about getting involved with him again.

[Carmen]

I agree with giga. He can move near you or do whatever he wants but let him know you don't guarantee anything--then you'll see if he loves you enough to risk it.

[lovesjoyajm]

I imagine there's a bit of bluffing involved on his part. He wants to see if you'll take him back at all, and is probably hoping that YOU'LL be the one to sacrifice for him, whatever he says. Giga's right. He can move there if he's really serious about it, but don't assume any responsibility for his happiness, even if you do start dating again. It's not your job.

[Graham Berkeley]

What you are doing to him is pretty cruel...

[monoxide]

Right now, all he's doing is talking a lot and acting dramatic. If he REALLY wants to move there, he can. Just tell him you're not giving him any guarantees that it will work out and give him the reasons you've given us.

You can't expect him to be cool with you hanging out with your ex. That's just cold. It doesn't mean you can't do it, just don't expect Mr. Passionate to approve.

I really doubt your ex has changed into a completely different person. The reasons you broke up are most likely still there, so I'd be cautious about getting involved with him again.

You're right. I don't need to tell him to move here. If he really wants to do it, he'll do it on his own.

I never expected him to be cool with hanging out with the old bf but I wanted to be honest with him so he understands that I'm trying to move on. I obviously have feelings for the recent boyfriend but being apart for so long has really taken its toll. I just wish he made up his mind months ago because I've already been hurt so many times. I know he means well but actions speak louder than words.

I too think about why I'm hanging around with the old ex. He's a really nice guy and I'd like to hope that what he wants out of life has changed but only time will tell. I'm not serious about anything yet. I'm obviously still thinking a lot about all of this.

Thanks giga.

[monoxide]

I imagine there's a bit of bluffing involved on his part. He wants to see if you'll take him back at all, and is probably hoping that YOU'LL be the one to sacrifice for him, whatever he says. Giga's right. He can move there if he's really serious about it, but don't assume any responsibility for his happiness, even if you do start dating again. It's not your job.

I would just really hate to see him come all the way here for nothing. This is why I keep telling him not to come to begin with. I know that he would be happy where he is if he were to find another girl.

Sometimes I feel like I care TOO much because half of me feels like I want him to come here but the other half is saying not to let him do it. This is why I've been trying to hold off from talking to him lately. I just don't know if I want him to sacrifice everything in being here because I know that this place is not the place for him. I'm where I am for a few more years and he hates it here. I don't want him to rub it in my face if things don't work out the way he plans.

[monoxide]

What you are doing to him is pretty cruel...

Not everyone is a professional when it comes to this kind of thing. I don't mean to be cruel.

[LIVERDETOX12]

I know I'm not a woman but let me get this straight. You told ur recent boyfriend about seeing the guy you were with prior to him?
If I was either of the guys I'd probably be angry because if I was the "old-ex" it'd seem like I was a rebound and a shoulder to cry on. If I was the recent ex, I would be angry because I still want you. Think of you how would be feeling if he was the one calling the shots and also happened to tell you that he's seeing someone he was with prior to you. It'd be like adding salt to a fresh wound.
Sounds like you have some thinking to do.

[Gigabitch]

I would just really hate to see him come all the way here for nothing.


I don't want him to rub it in my face if things don't work out the way he plans.

Both of these statements assume that you're responsible for him. You're not his mommy and you're not his boss and there are NO GUARANTEES of happiness in any decision. It's all a big crapshoot. You could do absolutely everything he wants and still watch everything crash and burn. It's not all up to you.

Here's some hippy crap for you: Life is a journey. If he chooses to move there and give it a shot, fine. If not... also fine. This is not your decision.