Dealing with GF's Ex-Husband...

[Namonai]

I'll give my thanks in advance as I dive straight into this; grab your coffee, it's a big one...

I'm male/25yrs, she's 38yrs. However that's not the issue, I've a standard history of comfortably dating women 30 and over. It just happened that way.

However the issue is the remnants of her ex-husband. When she and I met 2 yrs ago, she was separated from him "working on" signing the papers. We met through a mutual friend and all started hanging out 3 musketeer-style. We both advised her on how to move on from her ex-husband, first thing being to sign the papers and lose the ring and really move on. All of which happened.

As we all continued hanging out she and I started dating (I know, I know...) and eventually ended up together. Time flies, we now live together. Now the issue is that sometimes here and there the ex-husband's mail shows up in my mailbox, the box that has hers and my individual last names on it, not his. When I see it I tend to get irked but I've never said anything about it since I understand it's a causality and not in the best interest of the relationship to get worked up over. But it brings me a memory I don't particularly like. Well two.

About a year ago, her ex's father died, heart attack I believe, rather young too. Her ex sister-in-law was flying through town to head to their home-country to deal with the situation. My GF felt she should pay her respects to her ex sister-in-law since they were still close since she was family for like a year and a half. GF asks for me to come with for support. (Now I decided not to be a dick and refuse since well, if I refused it would seem like I didn't give a damn about the situation.) I reluctantly agreed since anyone could put two and two together knowing that if the ex sister is flying through, then it's a high possibility that the ex-husband is as well. Which means there's gonna be a meet-up.

Under normal circumstances that's a bad idea, but of course his dad just died, now it's a stupid idea. But alas, I decided to go. (For the sake of our relationship.) We're at the airport, I'm feeling uneasy. We meet with the ex sister-in-law. No problemo. Then we're going to walk to her connecting flight, she says it's OK since her brother is here to help (ex-husband). Problemo. When we get to the connecting flight, my GF politely asks me to wait behind while she speaks to her ex-husband. (I'm like, say what?) She says she doesn't want drama, so I should wait behind. (Now I'm ticked, WTF am I here for now?) So I got a newspaper and hung back. Afterwards we met-up with her ex sister-in-law again and then my GF is all unicorns and rainbows talking about me and showing off pictures of my family. But she wouldn't even introduce me to her ex-husband.

No I know at that time, it wasn't about me, the guys father just died. So I said nothing then, and I never opened my mouth about it. Ever.

A few months after that we were doing couple stuff, washing the dishes, drying the dishes, whoopie! We're making small talk about other couples we know, relations, etc. She proceeds to blurt out, "As you know, I don't believe in marriage, yada yada yada...". Now to a 25yr-old who has never been married and is looking forward to it (believe it or not), this is pretty damaging. I don't come up to the 30yr-old plus that I'm dating and say, "Well as you know, your biological clock is ticking, let's make a kid already before you dry up." Get my drift?

I did open my mouth about this and she never really gave a good answer, something that would have settled it. Which irked me again. A lot. (Like, why am I here again, then?)

So I know this is long and all but what it culminated to is that, when I see the ex-husband's mail in my mailbox and she doesn't seem to blink about it, is it time for me to explode or not?

[Primo]

You need to forget about the ex, who cares what crap of his is around. She's with you, if she wanted to be with him, she'd be with him. The ex probably has no interest in meeting you which is why it didn't happen.

As far as the other stuff, sounds like you two need to communicate a little better about future plans.

[misombra]

she's probably not going to want to marry you. if you want to get married, then you're out of luck on this one. she's already done it and doesn't want to do it again. which is quite normal for a person of her age. i think the age difference is causing more issues than you'd like to admit. she probably didn't introduce you because she didn't want to admit your age.

sounds like she wants to be with you though.

[Bumble_bee]

explode about what?

no need to blow up, she's not sneaking around behind your back and at least she was honest about how she feels about marriage now...what you guys need to do now is assess together what this means for your relationship, and what it means for the future.....

[Namonai]

As far as the other stuff, sounds like you two need to communicate a little better about future plans.

what you guys need to do now is assess together what this means for your relationship, and what it means for the future.....

This sounds absolutely correct, I'm going to have to bring up our future in a serious conversation. Without mentioning the ex stuff.

she's probably not going to want to marry you. she's already done it and doesn't want to do it again. she probably didn't introduce you because she didn't want to admit your age.

Yeah, I see what your saying about the "been there, done that" which does make complete sense. The thing about the age though is that the ex is only 2-3 years older than me. So I feel like there was another reason.

When she met my ex (totally random occurrence) she beasted out on her, "like this is my man now". I had to tear them apart. (She wasn't even an ex, just a fling.) So it struck me as odd when it seemed she felt I had to be hidden.

sounds like she wants to be with you though.

I do believe this, especially with her wanton jealousy. I mean, she'll slice up any woman who looks at me. Which is why I guess I'm confused...

[IndiReloaded]

Yep. Sorry, dude but I agree with Miso on this. Enjoy it while it lasts, you are in no hurry, but if you are hoping to marry this gal, you are SOL.

[Cbrider]

You're hung up on a guy that you have never met, and she probably did a favor by not introducing you.

What would it accomplish? You get to parade around in front of him saying "look at me, look who I am dating." There's no sense in pouring gas on a pile of wood then waiting to see if someone will light it.

She's unphased by the mail, so what? She was married to him, they did live together and love each other at some point. He will always be a big part of her life, not an active part but a big part because they were married.

Her not wanting to get married is going to cause issues if your firmly set on getting married. Its a deal breaker honestly, and the sooner you address it, the sooner you will save yourself wasted time or the sooner you will come to an agreement.

[Namonai]

Well, I'm going with SOL on this one. We were fooling around earlier tonight and she called me by her ex's name. I'm finito.