Is It An Emotional Affair? What Does It Mean to Him?

[loriloo]

If there is something missing in our relationship, he won't talk about it. I have tried to get him to open up to me and he just gets very upset like he is embarrassed, angry, uptight, doesn't care, feels guilty or something else??? I'm not sure which it is. He just wants to sweep it under the carpet and never talk about it again. He does not like confrontation or discord of any kind - it makes him very uncomfortable to the point where I have just dropped trying to discuss it with him. I have done a lot of soul searching and am trying to put my best foot forward toward becoming my best self, not for his sake, but for mine.

I have always been kind to him, never criticize, try to be fun and easy to be with. I have tried to maintain the level of attraction (intellectually, physically and emotionally) we had for each other in the beginning. He has always known what my boundaries are and what I will not accept from him as my partner. I guess none of those things matter either. Like I said before I am in love with him and have always tried to be a good, loving and faithful partner. I never took him for granted and always respected who he is both personally and professionally and I thought he did the same for me. I was always grateful to the universe that I was with an amazing human being every day for all those years.

How do I get him to open up to me? We never really had a problem communicating before nor did we argue, but ever since he contacted that woman he has been argumentative and tight lipped. I have tried approaching him in various ways, to no avail. If he has needs that are not being met, how do I know what they are if he won't tell me? He just wants things to return to normal like they were before he had this emotional affair, except I'm not so sure I can just let it go without talking it through with him. I'm also not sure if I can let this once beautiful relationship just go down the drain because he has made a mistake. I don't know if it is just a one time indiscretion or if he has already ended our relationship in his mind. Other than the refusal to talk about it, he seems to be himself again.

I have read several books, researched the internet, gotten DVD programs from the library, etc. on how to communicate/repair relationships and so forth, but nothing has seemed to work. I would really love to hear a guy's opinion on how to get him to talk about it....

[IndiReloaded]

You need to tell him this whole thing has upset you & you'd like to discuss it with a relationship counsellor. Try not to scream this at him.

If he won't even agree to this, then your relationship is likely over.

[Primo]

loriloo, maybe he tried talking about something missing between you two before he met this woman? If not, and he doesn't feel like talking about anything right now, then I'd say it was the excitement of it and it will likely keep rearing it's ugly head.

From a man's perspective, how do you want to get him to talk about it or let you know how he really feels about you and this other woman? Hope you're ready for the answer:

Leave.

I don't think you said for sure, but it sounds like you don't have children together. When I say leave, I don't mean file divorce papers and rent an apartment :-) Go stay with family or a close friend for awhile, go on a long vacation by yourself if you can afford it. DO NOT contact him, about anything. Spend some time away from him, see if he leaves you messages, texts or emails, but don't respond.

Come back a couple of weeks later, take into account what he said in the messages and what he has to say when you get back. I think things will change, he will open up and you can fix things. Or your eyes will be opened to the fact that he doesn't care anymore and can get on with your life, no matter how painful it is.

From a former Buckeye to a current one, I wish you the best and hope it works out :-)

[IndiReloaded]

Primo - Buckeye? As in wide-eyed deer?

[Primo]

Primo - Buckeye? As in wide-eyed deer?

Nah, she's in Ohio, I'm from there originally :-)

[Bumble_bee]

I dnt understand what you mean by boundaries, surely he has crossed it by now??

no-one is knocking you for trying to save your marriage, in fact everything you have noted up there is in my opinion more than I could muster up after so many disappointments.

You're doing all the work, and what is he doing? giving you the cold shoulder whilst thrill seeking-out other women.....
you know there is a saying...flogging a dead horse.

If I was in your position I would be DEMANDING answers to his behaviour and not let him for one second think he could 'brush it under the carpet' with me....there is 2 of you in this marriage, and he needs a bit of a wake up call......If you continue to be the one who ups the effort each time he does this to you, you are not setting any sort of boundaries in terms of what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship..

.I would be ''how the heck dare you MF'er''

[loriloo]

Hey, don't get me wrong, I have been plenty pissed off over this whole thing. I have actually said many times how dare you MF'er...but that doesn't work either. As far as boundaries, I'm saying he knows what they are and he crossed them anyway. And it seems that I AM doing all the work, he has done very little to try to repair our relationship.

I have booked a flight to go see a friend for a few days and I will be out the door in the morning. When I told him I was going he was really concerned that I am leaving him for good. I really didn't say much except that I wasn't sure when I'd be back.

And Primo from a current Buckeye to a former one, you're right - I'm not sure if I want to hear what is in his heart and mind, but I have to face it sooner or later. I guess I'll find out if our relationship can be saved, if it's over or if it's even worth saving. I'm going to go have a good time and forget about his sorry a** for a while. I have done what I can do and the rest is up to him. Whatever that may be....C'est la vie.

[Primo]

Good for you loriloo ! (sounds like a line from Dr Seuss) :-D

I think it's the only way that he's either going to open up to save your relationship and keep you, or you'll realize he doesn't care for you as deeply as you thought. As much as it hurts, at least you'll know deep down that you need to move on and find someone who isn't always looking over your shoulder at someone else.

I'm hoping it will open his eyes to what a great chick you are and be afraid to lose you. Have a fun trip !!

[loriloo]

Well, I have arrived in Colorado and I'm having a great time catching up with a friend I haven't seen for several years. I have also received 9 text messages and 8 phone calls from HIM. I did reply to one text - when he asked if I had arrived safely (for the 3rd time) I answered just one word - yes. I felt I should at least tell him I was OK. I have not answered the other texts and phone calls nor will I in the future. From here on out it's up to him...he'll either step up to the plate or he'll fall flat and lose me. Stick a fork in me - I'm done with trying to do everything myself. This feels so awesome.

Oh BTW Primo, when I opened my suitcase I found $500 cash and one of his credit cards that the Grinch slipped in while I was packing my bag. I certainly wasn't expecting that. And you better believe that I will spend it! I have my own money, but maybe a pinch to his wallet will get him to understand that I AM pissed off and deeply hurt at the same time. I normally wouldn't use his credit card or spend too much of his money, but with such mitigating circumstances and times being hard and all....I think I deserve to buy something cool Good for you loriloo no more crying boo hoo....

[Primo]

P Good for you loriloo no more crying boo hoo....

:-D

loriloo, I'm so happy for you !!! My heart will be smiling when I drift off to sleep tonight :-)

Yes, of course it's good to let him know you got in ok :-) Now you can turn your phone off, at least for his texts and calls, and let him think about who and what is important in his life. Let him decide to be open and honest with you, to talk to you from the heart or risk losing a wonderful woman to share his life with. I guarantee he's thinking about these things right now.

It IS up to him, you tried your hardest to find out what was wrong, to talk about it openly, honestly, to try to fix it and he refused. Now the ball is in his court. Have a great time with your friend, give him plenty of time to think about what the future may hold without you. Let him wonder what you're doing and whom you may be talking to while he sits at home and realizes his stupidity may have cost him dearly.

And heck ya, have a great time with the surprise gift !! :-D Maybe we'll find out his heart isn't 10 sizes too small after all. I hope so :-)

[artimtb]

Well, I have arrived in Colorado and I'm having a great time catching up with a friend I haven't seen for several years. I have also received 9 text messages and 8 phone calls from HIM. I did reply to one text - when he asked if I had arrived safely (for the 3rd time) I answered just one word - yes. I felt I should at least tell him I was OK. I have not answered the other texts and phone calls nor will I in the future. From here on out it's up to him...he'll either step up to the plate or he'll fall flat and lose me. Stick a fork in me - I'm done with trying to do everything myself. This feels so awesome.

Oh BTW Primo, when I opened my suitcase I found $500 cash and one of his credit cards that the Grinch slipped in while I was packing my bag. I certainly wasn't expecting that. And you better believe that I will spend it! I have my own money, but maybe a pinch to his wallet will get him to understand that I AM pissed off and deeply hurt at the same time. I normally wouldn't use his credit card or spend too much of his money, but with such mitigating circumstances and times being hard and all....I think I deserve to buy something cool Good for you loriloo no more crying boo hoo....

woo hoo.... you are really awesome. that's good update to hear from you.
but, if i may give you little suggestion, do not ever think to make revenge on him. it's bad i told you. just let him know that you're piss up and getting tired to safe your relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

Good time to insist on the counselling, Lori. If he can slip you $500, he can afford a few sessions with a counsellor. Otherwise, I'm afraid any change you see will only be temporary.

[loriloo]

Still having an awesome time...I was a little worried that he may be seeing someone else while I'm gone, but he has called me so many times I don't know if he would have time to see another woman. I haven't talked to him, but he left me some messages with the common theme that he is concerned I'm seeing another man while I'm away from home. Why would he think that? It's the furthest thing from my mind! One man and all the issues between us is more than enough to deal with without adding another to the equation...

Hey Indi - if it looks like we can work things out, I am definitely going to insist on some counseling - and he CAN afford to pay for it!! I don't know if he will agree to it though. We've never really had many problems before all this started so counseling has never been an issue.

And Primo - I really hope his heart isn't 10 sizes too small...but lately he's been a mean one!

Gotta go do some work...yes, I brought some of my work with me. I'm really lucky that I'm self-employed (architectural historian) and that I can mostly come and go as I please because I can do much of my work wherever I happen to be. :-) Lucky you loriloo...

Maybe I'm crazy for wanting to work things out with him, but I would like to try. I just hope that I don't end up getting burned to a crisp.....

[IndiReloaded]

Hey Indi - if it looks like we can work things out, I am definitely going to insist on some counseling - and he CAN afford to pay for it!! I don't know if he will agree to it though. We've never really had many problems before all this started so counseling has never been an issue.

Regarding counselling, I will give you the advice our doctor gave us: every couple should see a good counsellor at least once a year. Its the relationship equivalent of a car tune-up. I asked if he and his wife (also doctors) do this, and he said yes.

If you only seek counselling when you are in the thick of issues, then you are waiting too long. Look to improve issues during the calm periods, you'll be more effective.

[loriloo]

Indi - Great suggestion about counseling. I guess I never really thought of it that way.

Hey, I clicked on your critical thinking link and read the article about applying the scientific method to everyday thinking (esp. the paranormal). Very interesting. Are you an anthropologist? I went to school for anthro for many years....