Is It An Emotional Affair? What Does It Mean to Him?

[loriloo]

Hi, my guy of 15 years had what I'll call an "emotional affair" when he contacted a woman he knew 30 years ago. He found her online and started emailing and calling her. She lives 2 hours away from us, is married and her daughter lives in our city. They met in person a few times while she was visiting her daughter and he went to see her where she lives a couple times. I was totally unaware of their "friendship" for 6 months and when I found out, he said they were just friends. He was lying to me, sneaking around to call, email and see her. As far as I know they never slept together. There are too many other details to include here, but let's just say that he refused to dissolve his friendship with her even after I asked him to do so. It ended badly between them when she found out he told someone they were having sex, which apparently wasn't true. I have been devastated to my very core over this - because he gave to her parts of him he should have saved for me like his friendship, inner feelings, soul connection, etc.

What does this mean? Was he unfaithful? I feel that he was - almost more so than if he had sex with her because as a woman the friendship/feelings part of our relationship is extremely important. I was caught off guard because he is a good guy and we have been very close for all these years. He has never done this before to my knowledge. I can't seem to shake this whole thing. After being so hurt and crushed for many months I am beginning to get angry that he disrespected me in this way. I am not opposed to him having friendships with women (he has many women friends) but, I am opposed to him hiding and sneaking around to see other women whether it's by phone, email or in person!

Should I forgive and forget and try to get back the passion and attraction we once had together or should I dump him because he will just continue to do this until he eventually has a sexual affair with another woman? He has nominally apologized to me, but I'm not sure he means it. What do you think?

[vashti]

Are you married, and do you have kids?

[loriloo]

We are not legally married, but we have lived together for 14 years. And we do not have children.

[Primo]

loriloo, yes, most definitely it was an emotional affair on his part. He would've been upfront about talking to an old friend from the beginning if it was innocent. How much it bothers you only you can control. Is something missing from you and his relationship? Yep. Can it be fixed, I don't know, it's possible.

I'd say instead of being furious with him, try to find out what's missing, from his point of view in your relationship and see if that can be fixed. It's possible it can't, but there's something missing and if it isn't found, he's going to do this again.

[vashti]

After that many years together, I think it would be very difficult to compete with the sparkle of another woman.

[loriloo]

It is so difficult for me to understand why he has done this because we have been so close for so long. We have many common interests and do a lot together as a couple. He is older than me by 12 years. I love him very deeply and we have always been best friends. Is he bored? He never gave any indication that anything was wrong that I can see. Apparently he must have felt some dissatisfaction or else he would have not hidden his friendship with this other woman. It hurts to know that he lied to me...I would have never guessed that he would lie.

[loriloo]

As far as the sparkle of another woman is concerned, it may be very true that it's hard to compete with, but what about the love we have shared? The other woman asked him to never contact her again when she found out he was telling others they were sleeping together (which was wishful thinking on his part). He told me he was embarrassed by his behavior and he has continued our relationship as if all of this never happened and he pretty much refuses to talk about it. If I mention it he gets extremely upset.

[Rob36]

I think the key thing you said is that he refused to cut contact with her,even after you asked.Sorry to say it but to me that says his relationship with her is more important than your feelings

And even if he told you he would stop contact with her,would you believe him? You cant monitor him 24 hours a day.It will eat you up inside.Once the trust is gone in a relationship its next to impossible to get it back

Never like to say this,but i think you should seriously think about endinig it with him

[Gigabitch]

Ouch. I agree with Rob. I think you should end it. You're clearly not the woman in his heart any more. You're just the woman in his house.

[loriloo]

How do you compete against something so intangible as a “cosmic connection”? And what about all those years of devotion? It is so difficult to think about ending it with him because I am so in love. It is over between them, but as Rob36 said the trust is pretty much gone. He now acts as though nothing happened and has turned his attention back to me, but I fear that in time he will do it again and maybe even worse. I don't EVER want to go through all the heartache again. And this is not a self esteem issue...I have no real problem in that area, but I have just never had to go through this type of pain in all my 47 years!

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. Do I suffer a broken heart by ending it with him now or do I postpone it to when it maybe happens again? This is really hard for me.....

[bluesummer]

My ex-hubby carried on many emotional affairs that he refused to end. As far as he saw it, if he wasn't sleeping with them, he wasn't cheating and it was none of my business. When they eventually dropped him, he'd play all nice for awhile (although we weren't allowed to discuss the impact of his behaviour on our relationship) until he found another one to chase.

Don't get caught in this cycle. I fully believe that once they start this pattern it's because they've mentally ended the relationship with you and are just biding their time until the find a suitable replacement.

[loriloo]

I also don't understand his fascination with the other woman. I have kept my self in shape and attractive. Like I said before, I am 12 years younger than he. He and I both have the same level of education. She on the other hand, is does not have the same level of education nor does she keep herself in very good shape. She is older than I as well. I guess when it comes down to it, none of these things matter???????

[bluesummer]

They really DON'T matter, no. If he's lost interest, you could be Miss America or a brain surgeon (or both...although I doubt Miss America would be that intelligent) and it wouldn't make him come around.

He gets a thrill from the attention of other women. All they have to have going for them is that they're not you. That's not meant to be an insult, just a dose of reality.

[Primo]

loriloo, it's hard to say exactly what his issue is. Could be the thrill of new attention like bluesummer said, could be he gets something emotionally from them that he's not getting from you. Don't look in the mirror though, it's not about appearance.

I've had a relationship where my s/o just refused to acknowledge the things that I said I was missing in our relationship, things I needed and craved. It ended up costing her big time and I know she still regrets it.

It's time for a major self-evaluation and then a sit down with him imo.

[Cbrider]

The bridges of trust have been burned and those are things that you just can't ever fix completely.

Its like Rob said, you can't monitor him 24 hours a day, and no matter how hard you try to trust him, there will be a fragment of your mind that will never forgive that broken bond.

You can try to save this, but your selling yourself short in the end.