Rather confusing break-up

[Diabolito]

Right, its a long story, hope you can keep on reading. Here goes.

Me and my x broke up 3 days ago and I'm rather confused as to why. I'm not even sure she really knows herself.

I'll tell the story, as it begun;

I took a year off, traveling to Spain where i worked and had a lot of fun, not dating anyone in particular in the first long long period. And typically, one month before I'm leaving to go home, I meet the sweetest girl ever. We start dating and things really get intense fast and we evolve quite alot of emotions in no time. Within the month, she traveled two weeks home (we're both scandinavian, but different countries). It was within these two weeks, that we both felt, this was something more than just a casual flirt.

So when she returned, and I had 4 days left before more departure, we discussed the possibility of her moving with me. She wasn't in any real eager to leave, but neither to stay.

When I left, we had made it official. I quite quickly arranged for her to get a room in a dorm and she bought the plaintickets. She arrived 25 days later.

During those 25 days, we chatted every day for long hours on the webcam. She was really in love, there was no doubt, and so was I.

So she came. First few weeks were amazing. She stayed at my place for 1½ months until she got her own place. Of course you aren't in love constantly and things turned from butterflies to more normal circumstances, but I really can't emphasize, that it was still a really good relationship. We trusted each other, gave each other space and there were hardly any jelousy. We are quite different, which in my opinion doesn't matter, as long as you feel as we felt when together.

2 months have gone now since she arrived. Its really been a fairytale of her moving to my country, because of me. And now we're apart.

It all started about 9 days ago. I felt that she didn't quite enjoy her job, she had a hard time feeling comfortable here and missed her friends in Spain. Natural, but hard to hear. Then i asked, just for assurance really, if she still believed in our future. She said she didn't know. It came as a lightning on a clear sky.

I decided it was best, to give her some space, as she's the type of girl who really needs some alone time once in a while. A week after we met again, and she still didn't have en answer. She said that she'd never been so confused in indecisive in her entire life.

I couldn't go around, just waiting and there wasn't really any solution, so we decided to break up. I was, and still am, very confused about it all. I really never took her for granted in any way and it was honestly going great 2 weeks ago.

My stepmom spent 3 hours yesterday on a café with her, almost councelling while pulling answers out of her. I honestly believed that she didn't even realize what she was feeling before that conversation. What I've been told now, is that she is quite in the mindset, that it cannot be us RIGHT NOW.

I have therefore come to some conclussions, which I'm sure fit. She had 2 prior relationships in spain, which both lasted about 3 months, after which, she pulled out. So I can see, that she's afraid of really getting committed. She always told me, that this was something much more special than the two other relationships she had in Spain and I believe her. I truly do.
Also, she's afraid of getting her freedom taken from her. I don't think she realizes what freedom means.

She had a 4 year relationship in her past, so its not because, she cant do it. Maybe she's just confused right now. I don't know.

I've been talking to a bunch of friends and read some eBooks on how to behave and get your x back. What I've come to realize is, that i need to try to move on, to get her back. I need to become selfassured and confident. Don't show that I can't live without and try to enjoy myself. Maybe even make her a bit courius/jelous on facebook. But of course not overdo this part.

Besides that. Leave her alone. Hopefully she's gonna realize that she misses me. But the "IF" is killing me. What "if" she doesn't. I know that its not meant to be then, but its so strange, thinking back two weeks where everything was perfectly fine. She moved here for my sake ! I can't believe that its just over like that. It tears me apart.

She wrote the usual stuff about her being sad and she liked me and she hoped we could be friends in the future, which i felt was kinda irritating. Of course i want more. But can't her current mindset change ? She does some rather confused.

In my mind, there's not really any reason that this had to end. Or at least, the reason seems very strange and irrational.

So I'm trying to play my cards right at the moment and will do in the future. But I have no idea what's going to happen. What's your thoughts on it all ? There might be more details i forgot to add. Much of this is thoughts and conclusions.

I'm 23, and she's 25. Our relationshop only lasted 4 months, but emotionally it was much more. And right now, I'm just bloody confused.

Please share any thoughts. Could really use some advice.

Regards.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, she's just freaking out and feeling homesick. I'll bet if you try you can get her back.

[Diabolito]

Yeah, I do agree I need to leave her alone for a while.

I've been reading a book about getting her back, which says that, in order for me to get her back, I need to move on.

Also I need to not initiate any contact in 4 weeks. If she contacts me, its perfectly fine.

When we have contact, I am to sound cheerful and happy, maybe even pretend that her decision was a good thing to implement "fear of loss" on her behalf.

Does this sound like a reasonable idea ?

What frightens me, is that she might be determined and think this was the right thing. She might not get her feelings back. But of course, there's nothing I can do here.

It just bothers me a great deal, that this was really good. And that she actually moved here because of me. And the thought of it being actually over is really tearing me apart and confusing my head.

[SS Gal]

This sounds like a case of reality setting in. You guys had a whirlwind beginning and now that the reality of it all has set in, she's second guessing her decisions. Give her space and don't be a jerk on Facebook or anywhere else. You don't want to upset her or give her any reason not to come back to you, if that's what she's leaning towards doing. Good luck.

[Diabolito]

Right, I appreciate the advice, although I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm not gonna become a "jerk".. I would only use Facebook as means to show that I'm moving on. Make her wonder, if I'm dating or stuff like that. But not tell her directly in any way. Just smaal hints. Is that totally off ?

Your reality guess seems quite possible though. If that is the case, do I even have a chance ?

[Diabolito]

Thinking about it for a second, I think you're absolutely right about the second guessing.

But what's the case for me here ? This ain't the typical break up. Does that man I have a bigger or slimmer chance of getting her back and how should i play it ?

[SS Gal]

As for Facebook, just post on it like you would if she was never in the picture. Don't try to make it look obvious that you are out trying to get with any girl you can.

As for how to play it...I'd say just play it cool. You have to understand that she was the one that made all the sacrifices here...moving, new job, etc. Give her time to think it all through and figure it out on her own. Hopefully when she's done, she'll realize that what you and her have/had is worth it. Be prepared for her to decide that such a major lifestyle change was just too much too soon. Remember, she hardly knew you when she made all these major life decisions. Try to see it from her point and treat her how you'd want to be treated if you were in her shoes. Bottom line, you'll have the best chance by letting her know that you do want to have a relationship with her but that it is ultimately her decision and leaving the ball in her court to make the next, if any move, and by being patient and giving her space. Easier said than done, I know.

[Diabolito]

I do agree with you.

But I just can't seem to figure out, what the likeliness of her wanting to get back together is. I know its individual and no one can really tell. But I know we had a blast. Then again, it went too fast. Realitycheck, like you said !

Is my situation positive or negative. In which way, does the wheels seem to turn ? I don't really know anyone who's been in my situation before, so I have no clue on what to hope for or believe in.

I know what to do. But that's not quite enough right now. I need to get my mind set on what is most likely to happen, whether this is bad or good.

[Diabolito]

Update:

She wrote a message to my friend that she also know through me, saying that she was feeling better (she's been down generally, not just because of me) and that this is the way she reacts when she moves to a new place. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend this time.

So basically, she's getting better. She doesn't say anything about me and her. But I don't think its on her mind. This I don't quite understand. If she's getting better and get up again, why wouldn't she wan't to get back ? We had such a great thing, until she suddenly cracked one day. Doesn't make any sence to me, that she would get better and not include me in her life again.

Any thoughts on this ? Does this affect my position ? I'm still going for the No Contact, and trying to get on with my life, but deep inside I do still hope for something.