Assigned Roles...

[Aeradalia]

I think I have reached one of those pivotal moments in which all the information you've known all along finally coalesces into something that is finally capable of being stated and suddenly makes sense of everything else that has happened in life up to that point -- voilà an epiphany.

Due to my upbringing, my sexual orientation, and other factors in life... I had managed to become alienated from my own gender while growing up. Thus missing out on learning how to act appropriately for a woman of western culture. I had taken an affinity toward male 'culture' while growing up, but knew I didn't belong there either, and more or less, alienated myself, probably due to respect or more likely... intimidation.

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, because I missed out on learning my assigned role in society. Trying to form some sense of identity in an unassigned role is nerve-wracking. My ambiguous sexual orientation did little to help.

This in turn affected my relationships with women who were seeking a female with more masculine characteristics... only to be disappointed that I could not be their "male substitute" when the wear and tear of life made my 'weaker' side more apparent. This led to me feeling inadequate... essentially a victim of a very cruel joke.

With relationships with men, I subconsciously rebelled against their behavior toward me for it felt disingenuous or like they were forcing me to be something else -- not realizing they were merely following how they were taught. It never occurred to me that I was included with other females as far as men were concerned.

I never felt special... just different. Separate of everything. An outsider looking in.

I wonder how often does this happen in western society? What are the consequences to an individual?

[Gribble]

When I was a kid I didn't even consider myself human. I was so different from everyone else, so far removed from their way of thinking. Being on the outside like that gave me an insight that the typical person misses out on. I don't necessarily understand people or why they do the things they do, but I recognize the roles that people fall into.

Thanks to this removed observation I'm something of a doppelgänger. I can be whatever I need to be to get what I want. I can emulate whatever role serves me best.

I can be domineering and masculine. I can squeeze the boss's hand and tell him what he wants to hear. I can coo romantic trivialities into a naive girl's ear.

It's a gift and a curse. I get what I want in life, but at the same time I'm hard pressed to say who I really am. If you somehow stripped away all the masks I'm not sure what you'd see--I'm not even sure there would be anything to see.

[ecojeanne]

everyone is different and are shaped by their genetics and surroundings. each individual has their own unique experiences and interpretations and therefore a completly different life even among people who lived under the same surrroundings and similar genetics. it's all completely subjective. people truely cannot not be boxed into any specific profile. we are all different, mothers, brothers, fathers, sisters, etc etc. life is different for each person. propoganda and manipulation can be used on specific issues but ultimately we have free will to interpret the same things in life so completely differently. it's a beautiful thing

[Mish]

I never felt special... just different. Separate of everything. An outsider looking in.

I wonder how often does this happen in western society? What are the consequences to an individual?

Dalia, you are not alone in this. It could be through a completely different set of circumstances, but a lot of people feel separate of everything and as outsiders just like you. Alienation in the modern world I read is one of the bigger symptoms that cause the epidemic of depression we find ourselves in. And you, me and many others from time to time find ourselves as outsiders looking in at the cold world and at "them".

Only on the closer examination it never fails to surprise me how similar "them" are to us. How similar are everyone's worries and fears of being not accepted or misunderstood, of finding out that there's something wrong with them. The steps that many people take to hide the myriad of flaws which are always present in them. In reality there is no such thing as a flawless model and we are all in this together.

Keep in mind how much these realizations have helped to shape you into a beautiful person that you are today and how much they will help you to attract like minded people in the future.

[Aeradalia]

When I was a kid I didn't even consider myself human. I was so different from everyone else, so far removed from their way of thinking. Being on the outside like that gave me an insight that the typical person misses out on. I don't necessarily understand people or why they do the things they do, but I recognize the roles that people fall into.

Thanks to this removed observation I'm something of a doppelgänger. I can be whatever I need to be to get what I want. I can emulate whatever role serves me best.

I can be domineering and masculine. I can squeeze the boss's hand and tell him what he wants to hear. I can coo romantic trivialities into a naive girl's ear.

It's a gift and a curse. I get what I want in life, but at the same time I'm hard pressed to say who I really am. If you somehow stripped away all the masks I'm not sure what you'd see--I'm not even sure there would be anything to see.

As much as I hate to admit it... I have taken on roles I knew weren't my own in an attempt to gain what I felt I needed at the time. Sometimes I took on roles just out of laziness or fear of even greater alienation -- being on the fringe of acceptance was better than nothing at all.

When I was younger I used to look in the mirror and wonder who I was... the only solution I could come up with was to stop looking in the mirror. So I did, for almost ten years. I barely recognize myself in pictures from that time.

I have a very accommodative personality... it's almost crippling in some ways. Quick to make the assumption I must be in the wrong... quick to take a submissive stance... and prone to aggressive possessiveness of what little is thrown my way.

It's a curse... I rarely get what I want out of life... and live with the notion I should be happy with what little bit I do have, for it's better than nothing at all.

I've been stripped of my facades so many times, I know there isn't anything of much worth underneathe. Just unrequited desires, silent rage at perceived injustices, and the instinct to survive.

[doppelgaenger]

Jeeze, and I thought I was weird LOL

Sorry, I have bit of a taste for bad jokes.

I don't think that individuality is a product of western society. I think individuality is a school of theory that recognizes the human as a being with a sense of identity, which reflects his or her experiences, thus making him or her unique. I guess the antithesis of the argument recognizes identity as an entity that all humans possess, in combination with other common traits, and that the only distinguishing factor in identity is then the experiences it is the product of.

On that note, I'd say that you, Aeradalia, have a problem relating to others, because your so focused on your experiences, and pay less attention to how you are a human just like the rest of us, possessing similar traits and instincts. Let's take your sexuality into consideration since you seem to hold it most responsible. You seem to have accepted your sexuality, you seem comfortable with it, I think it's safe to say that this is no longer an issue of self-acceptance. On the other hand, though you've faced the issue of self-acceptance, you have a problem relating to others because you are conscious of a difference existing between you and others... however, you're not necessarily aware of the indifference. You just need to realize that you are a human being, just like everyone else, with exception that you're subject to some experiences which most people do not live through. Accept that and move on, Aeradalia. All it really is, is a difference of experience, trust me on that.

[Aeradalia]

You just need to realize that you are a human being, just like everyone else, with exception that you're subject to some experiences which most people do not live through. Accept that and move on, Aeradalia. All it really is, is a difference of experience, trust me on that.

Not sure why I feel the need to whine, but I can certainly understand that it is counterproductive.

As the saying goes, "adapt and overcome." Will do.

[doppelgaenger]

On a simpler note, it just sounds like you need a few more friends IRL. The kind that aren't like your mother.

what'rya doin in your social life? are you a member of any groups?

how's the boyfriend faring?

[Aeradalia]

Friends just want things... and I have nothing to give at the moment.

[doppelgaenger]

Oh come on.

[Aeradalia]

Oh come on.

Emotions are a bitch... though in part, what I said prior does have some truth to it.

Later on I'll be in a better frame of mind.

[Mish]

This song might help

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__STCyOdhTo"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__STCyOdhTo[/ame]


The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

[NeoSeminole]

Gribble says:

"When I was a kid I didn't even consider myself human. I was so different from everyone else, so far removed from their way of thinking. Being on the outside like that gave me an insight that the typical person misses out on. I don't necessarily understand people or why they do the things they do, but I recognize the roles that people fall into.

Thanks to this removed observation I'm something of a doppelgänger. I can be whatever I need to be to get what I want. I can emulate whatever role serves me best.

I can be domineering and masculine. I can squeeze the boss's hand and tell him what he wants to hear. I can coo romantic trivialities into a naive girl's ear.

It's a gift and a curse. I get what I want in life, but at the same time I'm hard pressed to say who I really am."

you pretty much just described me. I liken myself to a chameleon - able to become whatever I want to match the situation. Like you, I find it's a gift and a curse, although my reasons are different. I'm very good at disarming people's barriers and getting what I want but since I'm aware of my actions, it presents somewhat of a moral dilemma.

[ecojeanne]

you're all unique just like everyone else!

[Gigabitch]

Area, I'm wondering if anyone could honestly say that they're always felt comfortable, accepted and loved and that they gladly embraced and understood their assigned role in life.

Nobody I've ever heard of.