losing interest in my girl

[redmikey]

So after reading some of the doomed relationship forums I got an idea of what some of you might say but I am going to lay this out here just the same.

I met a girl online about 8 months ago and we have been talking ever since on a daily basis. I met her while trying to find a GF/potential partner in my area. Her profile said she was from my city and I found her attractive so I contacted her. She is possibly one of the sweetest women I have met not to mention very intelligent and logical.

After a couple of really long chat sessions she confessed that she was not from my city but was going to be moving there and was looking for friends. After that we began clicking something fierce and a few months later we dropped the "love" bomb on each other. I was going to wait till we got to meet to tell her for sure, which is coming up in Dec, but she could not wait and told me over the phone the next time we talked. I of course being wrapped up in her responded in kind and I meant it.

Since then she has dropped a bomb on me that she does not look like her pictures and is indeed about 70 lbs heavier than she was in them. I of course told her that I did not care about that and that I loved her for who she was and not what she looks like, which is true.

However, since that rather large bomb ( no pun intended) I have become less and less attracted to her. I am at a point that I can only look at her face when we chat because the rest of her is unappealing to me. She says she is losing weight, and she has been, but I tend to worry about her being healthy as well as her ability to get into shape enough for me to be attracted. This being said I am not a picky man. I know she is a pretty woman but I have my limits. I prefer women to be a bigger than average, I thoroughly enjoy a woman who wears a size 10 or 11 but she is heavier than I am and I know I am a bit overweight (which is something I have been working on).

There have been some other things I have been noticing and recollecting about her that are concerning to me. She has been making some important decisions over the last few months that largely affect her life so she can more easily fit into mine. I have not asked her to do so she has simply done it and then told me about it stating that "it is for you". She also has recently gotten irritated with me saying stuff like "you are just making decisions for yourself aren't you." when I have mentioned some future goals and mentioned some places I might try for work.

First of all she has fast tracked her education so she can graduate a year early to move close to me sooner. This is not a problem per se as she was already going to move to my state prior to meeting me, I am just concerned that she is making such a huge change in her college plan to be with me when we have never even met.

This is not the only change she has made. Previous to meeting her she was not a church goer but since she heard I am, she has been attending services regularly. Not just at any church either, she had to find one that was my denomination.

Additionally she is very emotional almost unstable (we're talking tears of a breakdown to laughing in seconds), needs an almost absurd amount of attention that is smothering at times, plus she is almost obsessed with talking about how she wants to have children with me and that she can't wait till we are living together and married, when I have made vague passing references about how she would be a good mother and that she is the type of woman that makes a good wife. OK so that one is my fault, but it is unsettling how she gets depressed and almost in tears when I don't talk lovingly about how good of a wife and a mother she would make. She also says things like "if you ever left me I would die" or "I love you so much you better not leave me" or "I love you so you better give me some love when we meet" or "you better not make me wait too long before you marry me".
I expressed some concerns that we were tying ourselves together before we had even met and she said that we should not feel obligated to continue if we felt things were not right but asked that I give her until she moves to my state before making a final decision. I have agreed to give her that much time, roughly 10 months from now.

Bottom line is that I love her for the kind and wonderful person that she is on the inside. I love her because we share similar goals and ideals about family. I love her because she understands me to a large degree. The things that I am really sticking on are: her very high level of attachment to me, her extreme neediness, the fact that despite our agreements on many things that are abstract (ideas) we do not share the same sentiments on success and material wealth, the fact that she has lied to me about a few important things from the start (she eventually came clean so I have to give her respect there), the fact that she is relying on our relationship working out so heavily that she is not really making smart decisions for herself and that I am not really all that attracted to her as she is but rather as she portrayed herself to be.

I am not getting any younger, and at 26 years old I would like to have an empty nest by the time I retire. I want to give her a chance but I don't want to waste any more time than I should.

I might be over reacting but I feel this is a mess that could turn into a train wreck. Please give me some advice.

[Linli]

Oh, dear.
I think you might be making a mistake, and I think you KNOW you're making a mistake.
I mean, this is obviously mostly a really serious issue of confidence, but I'm doubting that you really want to have to walk this woman through all sorts of emotional obstacles before you can be happy together. I fear that, if she doesn't work these personal issues out on her own, she'll be relying on you to fill that void where her confidence and independence should be.

Your sympathies will only take you so far. Keep in mind that what might seem like minor annoyances now (a.k.a. complimenting her constantly) will become daily rituals if you let this thing grow into a permanent arrangement. And rest assured, she'll just become more and more dependent on these assurances. (See Ignathius's thread: Jealousy Ruining a Relationship) People don't just magically become assertive and secure, it takes a lot of work and personal reflection. I get the impression that she's not even aware of, let alone attempting to resolve, the deeper issues here.

If nothing else, you should see to it that she starts working out these concerns, either with you or a professional, before you get yourself in too deep here.

[Reath]

You sure you love her and not because of the Shining Knight Syndrome?

[wejk1]

Right on, write on about whatever you feel best.

[doppelgaenger]

Honestly, it sounds like you don't want to be with her and you just need assurance in those feelings. Well, in my opinion, you really shouldn't pursue this relationship; love is intuitive. Don't wait until the last minute when you might be risking something.

When you want to be with someone it will be a definitive feeling. Don't pursue a relationship with anyone unless you have those kinds of feelings for them.

[redmikey]

I'm pretty sure I am not suffering the Shining Knight Syndrome. I want to treat her with human compassion and not just leave her because it is rough. I want to be with her, and I really do love her, because we have a fantastic connection and, to be honest, she is one of the most stand up women I have me it. She has had a rough past but she has her stuff together for the most part aside from her weight issue and her low self esteem as described above. I don't care about the weight in the long run so much but the self esteem issue just makes me want to turn tail. What I am trying to do is resist that urge and stick it through till we meet then try to address it in the months to come. I think me and her have the makings for something awesome. Call it my stubbornness but, I feel like I owe it to her and myself to wait till we meet in December because that will be the test, and from there I will be able to make an actual decision. Before that I don't think I am giving things enough time. My inclination is to hold out for a couple more months and try to broach the issue in between now and then.

I guess the question I have now is do I owe her at least a face to face before I think about pulling the plug on this relationship?

Comments all around are welcome.

[Bumble_bee]

I had a vision, and it weren't pretty.......

[misombra]

i'm sorry but this girl sounds like an absolute psycho. please do humanity a favor and do not reproduce with this person.

[Gigabitch]

Well, you're right about the Collection of Doomed Internet Relationships. I think you just made it into the hall of fame.