Is my male friend interested?

[ellie]

My male friend, whom I am NOT interest in, has recently begun to send out signals that he might be interested in more than friendship.

For example he will sometimes text me out of the blue "I saw this movie today and it reminded me of you. I miss you"

And even when I was abroad (studying abroad for a year) he wanted to know my foreign mobile phone no. so he could call me, which he did a few times, just to say he missed me!

And once, he told me that it was a shame I moved abroad because now he "would have to find someone else... "

Hmm. Do friends really miss each other that much?
Do you think he's interested, and how can I let him know I am not interested back while still keeping his friendship and not make it awkward? I dont want to tell him flat out

[ecojeanne]

i don't get it, why is this a problem? i enjoy things like this, helps my ego

[ellie]

LOL too right ecojeanne. Yeah it's not that much of a problem actually

[Chupacabras]

And that sentiment is exactly why many nice guys turn into players and assholes.

[ecojeanne]

^^how do you know he is not a player? stop booing sourpuss

[Chupacabras]

Not clearing the air with a guy so you can maintain your fragile ego is a dirty trick. I'm certainly not being a sourpuss; last I checked this is ask a male and my advice is to always be clear with a guy and maintain firm "friend" boundaries so there's no confusion on where you stand.

Unrequited love in the friend zone is one of the most unpleasant places for a guy to be and one of the hardest lessons young men tend to learn.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes. He is interested.

That said, since you don't return his feelings, you need not do anything. I agree with Eco. Its more about what you DON'T do. I would avoid sending any mixed signals to him (i.e. don't flirt, or otherwise lead him on to get his hopes up).

Its very flattering when a man shows his admiration. It takes a lot of guts, actually, especially these days. Don't make him feel bad for it.

Unless he really ramps up the chase and seems unusually dense that you 'just aren't into him'. You aren't doing him any favours by 'discussing' his behaviour. He will figure out soon that you aren't prepared to go any further than friendship. At that point, depending on how smitten he is, he will have to make a choice about how to deal with his feelings. He's a big boy, let him sort out his feelings and it will be less embarrassing for you both.

If he does ask you out directly, then you will have to be honest about seeing him as just a friend. Try to be kind when you do this. Point out the good things about him and say you are genuinely sorry you don't return his feelings, that you think he would make a great BF. Something like that.

[Sanctuary]

Do absolutely nothing that would make him think you like him back. "Forget" to txt him back sometimes. Don't return/miss his calls. When he compliments you, say something incredibly lame like, "Thanks, you're a good friend."

Sooner or later he should get the message and stop.

If not, he'll eventually find his way to these forums and ask for advice on how to get out of the friends zone. He'll post a long story about how he should be with you because he truly cares about you and he's been waiting 16 months for you to notice but by then you'll already be dating some jerk.

[IndiReloaded]

Not clearing the air with a guy so you can maintain your fragile ego is a dirty trick. I'm certainly not being a sourpuss; last I checked this is ask a male and my advice is to always be clear with a guy and maintain firm "friend" boundaries so there's no confusion on where you stand.

I agree about the friend boundaries. However, I disagree that the ball is in her court to 'clear the air'. She is not responsible for his feelings. If he wants to have this discussion, then he can lead it, by asking her out directly is the typical way. At that point, I agree, a direct question deserves a direct answer. But not until then.

[Sanctuary]

^ I agree with IndiReloaded in that she's not intentionally stringing him along or anything and he never directly propositioned to her so it'd be kind of weird for her to just open a conversation to 'clear the air'.

On the other hand, I don't think you girls know what us guys go through when you just ignore us and send ambiguous signals. Unlike girls, we don't talk to our friends about this stuff and we're not exactly geniuses in figuring it out ourselves.

So I guess we all learned the hard way eh?

[IndiReloaded]

Well, her dating another guy would be a pretty unambiguous signal right? Or would the young man just wonder if he had a shot 'if only' he had been more aggressive?

I've learned to take a more indirect approach with these sorts of things. I've tried the direct approach and it was a mess.

So, from a male's perspective, what is the ideal female response understanding that she isn't interested in him?

[Chupacabras]

No flirting, no little touches. Every once in a while throw out the "you're such a good friend" like Sanctuary suggested (I saw some movie, forget what it was, but there's a point when a girl throws that line and puts her head on his shoulder; every guy in the audience groaned as they all knew exactly what that meant).

By clear I didn't mean "I'm not romantically interested in you, and never will be". Friends are clear and straight with each other, but that doesn't mean not being gentle about sensitive subjects.

[IndiReloaded]

but there's a point when a girl throws that line and puts her head on his shoulder; every guy in the audience groaned as they all knew exactly what that meant

Really? What does that mean to a guy? I would say this girl^ is very confused. Why would you tell a guy you are 'just friends' and then put your head on his shoulder?

I think you are saying that girls should avoid any physical contact with their male friends much beyond a handshake, or perhaps a quick hug for very old friends who haven't seen each other for a while?

I agree. Women are known to get chemically attached to men they touch too intimately. This also applies to intimate conversation, IMO. Girls shouldn't complain about their 'bad BFs' to their male friends if they want to keep things above board. I've been saying this for a while.

[Sanctuary]

Well, her dating another guy would be a pretty unambiguous signal right? Or would the young man just wonder if he had a shot 'if only' he had been more aggressive?

Since she never directly tells him she doesn't like him and she is nice to him, the possibility that she likes him stays open. So yes, since guys in general are clueless and gullible he might be thinking he had a shot "if only he had been more aggressive."

Also, some guys have that infatuation problem where they obsess endlessly over one girl. That's a terrible fate I wouldn't wanna wish on anyone. That's probably what Chupacabras is referring to.

So, from a male's perspective, what is the ideal female response understanding that she isn't interested in him?

The problem is that guys just aren't very good at figuring girls out. Unless you make it unbelievably clear you just want to be friends, some guys won't get it.

I guess an IDEAL response would be that when he starts showing interest, you punch him in the face and immediately give him the 'let's just be friends speech'. That might strain the friendship though.

[Sanctuary]

Don't do the head on shoulder. It's easy to watch from the outside looking in that she just wants to be friends. But if you're the actual guy in that situation and you're madly in love with her, you could be confused as hell.