Such a confusing guy!

[Katjax]

Sorry if my English is not so good.

I was seeing a guy for around 2 years.

Sometimes he tells me he loves me and many times he tells me I am his girlfriend. Sometimes he plans nice trips together. He even asks me if I love him.

He occasionally tries to make me jealous by remarking about other women: "she is too tall for me", or "we are outnumbered 4/1 by girls at work". It seems like he is trying to make me jealous but maybe he does have a roving eye. It annoys me, because it shows a high level of arrogance and immaturity.

But on the positive side, he often puts effort into things we do together when we go out.

I have been away recently and told him how difficult the long distance thing was becoming for me. He said:
"It's OK. I have no need to define it as a relationship. We are just two people that care about each other, are attracted to each other and want to make each other happy."

I told him that was disrespectful, and that if we are going to have sex we should be together, or not as just friends.

He said, OK let's be together then like we were yesterday.
And then later: I am glad we had this talk . I missed you.

This is sooo confusing.

I don't want to bring it up again as it is likely to push him further away but I can't tell one way or the other if he loves me or not.

And if not, do you think I should cut it?

[Gigabitch]

I have been away recently and told him how difficult the long distance thing was becoming for me. He said:
"It's OK. I have no need to define it as a relationship. We are just two people that care about each other, are attracted to each other and want to make each other happy."

I don't like that at all.

He sounds like a flake. One minute he's your boyfriend, the next he's "undefined"? Oh, hell no.

[ellie]

How old is he? He sounds very immature

[Disillusioned]

He occasionally tries to make me jealous by remarking about other women: "she is too tall for me", or "we are outnumbered 4/1 by girls at work". It seems like he is trying to make me jealous but maybe he does have a roving eye. It annoys me, because it shows a high level of arrogance and immaturity.

I think this^ is more disrespectful than:

He said:
"It's OK. I have no need to define it as a relationship. We are just two people that care about each other, are attracted to each other and want to make each other happy."

^ Would you consider marriage a companionship or a partnership? I know you guys aren't married but how you answer this says a lot about your expectations and how different they may be from his.

Feeling disrespected isn't always about being disrespected and you have to let him know how you feel rather than find fault.

Nothing wrong with abstinance, monogamy or promiscuity. What's important is responsibility (like safe sex) and not setting up false pretenses. What sucks is when I guy or girl is promiscuous but lies about only wanting to be with you. If you feel he's leading you on that can be rather subjective but he did mention occasionally that he considers you his girlfreind. I think all that implies is monogamy and emotional investment.

I told him that was disrespectful, and that if we are going to have sex we should be together, or not as just friends.

Have you discussed your expectations with him or are you assuming he should know?

And if not, do you think I should cut it?

If your concerns make you unhappy, you need to be candid and talk with him about it. If no improvement is made then find someone else with similar expectations.

[FullofSighs]

I think he he is possibly just using you, maybe some of his friends are ****ing with him by teasing him about not having a girlfriend. So he probably just wants the title of being in a relationship

[Katjax]

Thanks for all the replies. But I would also be happy to get more replies.

Yes, I think he is immature and I have been a bit blind to this.

Thanks for the advice from disillusioned. I feel that I am meeting his physical and emotional needs, and not getting what I want in return.

It is like a relationship in everything except for the name.

And the strangest thing is that before he said this, it was a relationship.

I have a strong feeling that if I talk to him about it, he is just going to say something equally vague or perhaps he will say that he doesn't want to be with me at all.

In the past he asked me to move in with him, he asked me 5 times, even gave me an ultimatum. Then a couple months later when I brought it up and said I was ready to do this, he freaked out and left me for a while.

As much as I love him, I don't think I am ever going to get what I want and if I ask for it, he is likely to reject me, I don't feel I can take a downright rejection.

I love him but he is the one who has let me down, so I am looking closer to finishing it.

[FullofSighs]

Well if your not happy with him, which it sound like your more sad/hurt being with him, you should just end it yourself

[Katjax]

UP.

Thanks for replies.

Yes, it is making me unhappy.

After 2.5 years, I can't work out why it happened. I was never a needy or suffocating girlfriend.

I am beginning to see that perhaps he wasn't the guy I thought he was.

To tell a woman you love her and then be like, oh, it's not definable.. and then next week you love her again.

[Graham Berkeley]

Wait a sec. MAYBE he just doesn't know where he stands with you and he acts this way in hopes of provoking a response on where he stands with you. I don't disagree he has immature elements but maybe they are just part of the situation and will go away if he knows for sure where he stands. Sounds like he is afraid of being hurt by you.

[Katjax]

THanks for all the replies.

So, I made a decision after I was out with my best friend who has dated someone for only 4 months, they are already moved in together and the guy loves her very much and my thinking was, why settle for someone who won't even call it a relationship?

I was going to ask him to clarify, but he is the type of guy who will freak out if you ask him if he loves you, he has done similar things before.

I didn't want to go through the pain of rejection again so I decided to leave him and felt good about it. Plenty more fish etc.

I told him nicely, and he told me he didn't mean it in that way and that he does really love me and wants to be with me. He apologized. He told me I should have asked him.

I was so confused and after having thought about plans without him I said we should just be over. We are pretty much over now and suddenly I can't get him out of my head and that I read the situation all wrong. I hate this feeling. I think about him all the since he told me he does love me.

The worst thing is that when I first met him he was more arrogant and immature and I put him on a break before, he laughed at me over my indecisiveness.

But lately (before this happened) he seemed to grow up a lot and was a really good and totally sweet boyfriend, he really made me happy and I am worried he is going to think "the nice guy finishes last" syndrome and start being arrogant again, which I dont want to happen because then I really would have to leave him.

I guess I should have listened to your guys' advice and confronted him about it. Now I don't know what to do.

[FullofSighs]

I say stand your ground, from what i just read, it sounds like he is just trying to make you feel guilty/hurt you for breaking up with him. I think you should move on and forget about him. He shouldn't have acted like that in the first place, and he just sounds like he ain't worth your time.

[Bumble_bee]

is he fighting your decision? if not then you made the right one....2.5 yrs and you're 'undefined' as a couple? as Giga put it ... ''oh, hell no''

[Katjax]

I forgot to mention that we work together and that was how we met (same building, different department). We normally meet in the lunch canteen almost every day. He is there most days, I am there many, which is where we normally always meet. Has been that way for 2 years.

Since I did it last week, for the first time ever, he just doesn't show up there any more since I broke up with him.

He did put up a (weak) fight and told me that he is always thinking about me and that he always told me in the past he loved me (he did) and that he just said about not having to define it to calm me down over something (yet I can't remember being angry and he couldn't specify either). He told me he couldn't understand my decision but I made it and it was up to me.

I said I would see him later in the canteen and we could talk about it. And he just didn't show up and I haven't seen him at all since.

Confusing or what?

I was going to call him, but now I think you guys are right. It was his fault for saying he didn't need to define it, and if it was such a mistake, surely he would want to meet me quickly to sort it out.

[Bumble_bee]

you can do better...and he knows it, I think its good he is letting you go, he's too passive to take any of your feelings seriously...good luck

[Disillusioned]

He might not be a bad guy, he might be confused, he might be indecisive. Cut him some slack as a person but let him figure out what he wants on his own while you look for what you want elsewhere.