need advice with no contact. (long post btw)

[Nick86]

Hey, i'm new here so hey everyone. I'm guessing this topic would be suitable in this part of the forum but if i'm wrong inform me. (And i'm sorry for the disgustingly long post)

So the jist of this is basically my girlfriend and I decided to go on a break and i need advice. And i'll get more into this.

Basically it has been the standard good healthy relationship from day one (we have been dating for 8 months now), I am 22 and she is 19, I would say we have been happy throughout the last seven months of the relationship but problems have popped up in this previous month. We had an argument about one month ago now and due to our long distance, immature i know, it was over facebook, msn and the odd text message. It was quite the bad argument, i pretty much told her that she didnt respect me and that i felt like a mug and told her pretty much to 'f**k off' and she retaliated back with pretty much the same things. After that night, we both said sorry to each other and it was all cool. We both knew that we had said wrong and we shouldnt of really.

Now this is where the problem did get a lot worse. Two days after the argument she was coming home for two weeks (which was planned previously before the argument) to stay with her parents, back at home we live literally 2 minutes away from each other but never have ever crossed paths until we met each other at university 50 miles away (sweet deal a?).

Knowing that we need to meet up to discuss things face to face, I gave her two days to get home and settle in before i decided to contact her, and when i did contact her, she said she was busy for the weekend seeing her friends and family, which I thought ok fair enough, she needs time to see friends and family. So after the weekend, I contacted her again to see if she wanted to meet up and sort things out, and again she delayed it and said she wasnt available until wednesday. This really pissed me off and she bloody knew it, I ended up texting her pretty much saying 'you dont want to sort this out, you're just delaying it' and again i overeacted and told her pretty much again to f**k off and that it was over. I know this was really immature but the anger just set in and really really annoyed me. It did actually make me feel that she didnt want to sort it out. Eventually I said I was sorry again and ok we'll meet wednesday.

At the meeting wednesday, I told her how sorry I was and I told her that it did make me feel that she was just delaying it and didnt want to sort it out and she completely understood and said that she would have probably felt the same way. It was obvious when we met each other that we were both very upset with one another, but we got everything out in the open about what annoys each other about us. She told me that she wanted to take things slowly, i agreed.

We saw each other every few days and it was obvious that there was a distance between us but i understood that this could happen. On the saturday night, I opened my heart to her and told her honestly how sorry I was and that I hope this argument would make us stronger. And we both said that we loved each other

Then a few days later on the tuesday, she text me saying 'Can we meet tomorow afternoon' and that was it, no kisses or I love yous. And i knew instantly what this meeting was going to be about, I even rung her up and asked her if anything was wrong and she said their wasnt, 'whats wrong with meeting up' she said. I didnt sleep at all that night. We met up and she told me she didnt know what she wants. We again opened up to each other but when I asked if she wanted us to stay togeather, she said she doesnt know. I told her to have a few days to think about it. So i let her.

We met a few days later, we had a brief friendly chat about things and then I asked her in the moments of silence 'What do you wanna do between us'. She told me she wanted us to split up. Yeah i was shocked but again expected it at the same time. We spoke about it and I suggested a break maybe. And she agreed to it, we both said we needed our own space and time to think about things. We both agreed that we wouldnt see other people and that we should keep contact. I also did ask her that she had the choice of ending us right now, or we keep with the break, I said I dont want to postpone this, she agreed with the break (which is gonna be for a month), so in a way this was re-assurance for me that things might work out between us. It was gonna be a day later that she would go back home to where she lives by university.

So now we are both at long distance again. We did speak on the phone yesterday and we spoke about a lot of things but afterwards it made me feel as if I was talking to a close friend than a girlfriend. And then it hit me, that I should avoid making contact with her, and if she contacts me, i keep it brief.
The reasons for this are
1. Before the argument, I had spent a whole ten days with her up in her own home up by uni. By the end of these ten days, i think we ended up getting on each others nerves. Afterall I did spend ten days with her and that is too much time togeather at this stage in the relationship.
2. I am too clingy, or I make her feel like this, I have realised that I keep saying how much i love her. And when we were discussing the break, I kept saying I didnt want to lose her. This isnt gonna help her. I need to avoid saying things like this. And I also made the stupid decision to tell her that I wouldnt mind if we were just friends if this break didnt work out. Corse I dont wanna be friends, I want us to be togeather.
3. I have always showered her with gifts and she cant give any back due to her money situation atm. She has been looking for a job for months now and she has finally got one which is great. But i need to stop buying her food, giving her money, buying her gifts. It is making her take me for granted. It also takes away her dignity and self respect.
4. She has quite a few problems atm, along with the money problem, she lives with arseholes, she is worried about her weight, looks and health and she has just recently told me that she has been depressed since she was twelve. I kept telling her that i would help her through all this. But the truth is that i cant. She has to deal with it herself. and I need to give her the space to do so. I regret giving her all the advice I did as i realised that she has to sort these problems out herself and it will give her back her self-respect.

So after considering these things as well as many more but i dont want to bore you anymore. I want to avoid making contact with her, even if i did say that we should keep in touch during this break. I will still be polite and reply briefly if she texts me. But I am gonna completely cut out all phone, email, msn and facebook contact. The reason I want to avoid contact with her is because I WANT HER TO MISS ME, which she obviously will not miss me if I keep hounding her all the time. I want her to miss me and rethink about things between us. I dont mean for that to sound selfish but that is what i think our relationship needs, the need to want to see each other, the need to hear each other and see each other. And at the moment, she probably doesnt want any of that because she is getting to much of it.
And of course I have considered that this technique may backfire and it might make her resent me but she isnt that kind of girl.
I have also considered that this no contact break will be good for me because if she does decide after a month that she doesnt want to see me, then I will be prepared for it and I will already be half way over it. I also need to spend this time thinking about myself and helping myself out for once which I never really did before

So anyone got any advice for no contact (especially on a break)? Am i considering the right thing? Has anyone ever used this technique and have it work? And any tips on how to successfully get on with it?

Thanks all and sorry again for my horribly long post. xx

[girl68]

How is it a break when you're not actually taking a break?

[ellie]

Sorry I didn't read all of that. But:

You say yourself that you are clingy and you want to try the "no contact"-method.
Just do it. All you need is someone to push you to do it, and let me help you:

By being clingy you will just push her further away and you KNOW it.


Take the break, it sounds like both of you need it.
And "no contact" means: No contact.


I know you miss her, but you have to restrain yourself.


Yes I have tried "no contact" and yes, it DOES make people miss you. (But it doesn't neccessarily make people get back together. It could. But not always)

[Nick86]

how is it not?

[Nick86]

Thanks ellie, I have accepted the things I might have done wrong to cause doubt in her mind. And I understand that cutting off all contact may not bring us back togeather but its worth a try. If we were to stay togeather, i now know how to right my wrongs

[girl68]

how is it not?

So by "break" you really mean: keep talking to her? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*face palm*

[Nick86]

Yeah we both agreed that we would keep contact every so often, she suggested it. like once a week or something but Ive changed my mind.

[girl68]

You should go on a real break. And by that I mean no contact- otherwise, it it not a break FYI.

[IndiReloaded]

Know what the greatest gift you can give someone in a relationship is?

Themselves.

Understand what I'm saying, Nick?