not feeling too optimistic today, i need to vent.

**tasha1133** · 09-09-09, 01:48 PM

Hi I've been on this site for a month or so and I've read and given advice to others, but now I think I'll need a little of yours.

In an older post I told you about the issues between me and my husband, but for those who haven't read any of it, here's some background info. My husband and I went through a rough patch when we had infidelity and trust issues that came between us, it has been a year since and we have been working this out, and so far, we have had our ups and downs along the way especially when things that happened in the past have been brought up.

Anyway to get to the point, a couple of days ago, we had a weepy confrontation, nothing new in terms of what it was about but I guess it was just old stuff that was brought up again. We got over that and things have been alright since, but i am bothered by my husband's behavior this morning.

Last night, I was working from home on my computer and It was late when i finally finished what I was doing, I found my H, outside sitting on the sofa, making his lesson plans (he’s a professor) and I came over, I apologized for taking longer than i thought i would and for ignoring him, and although I knew he was a little annoyed my apology seemed to fix things and he put away his stuff and cuddled. One thing led to another and we eventually ended up having really really great sex (twice) and I fell asleep in my husbands arms.

(He’s an insomniac so he probably fell asleep much later than me if not at all; I'm not sure) But what was so shocking was that in the middle of the night he tried to instigate another round of sex, and I think (it’s a little fuzzy, I’m quite a heavy sleeper) I said no.

This morning he woke me up with breakfast in bed and he even drove me to work, but something wasn't right, he said not a word to me and he was just plain giving me the cold shoulder. You see my H is a very lively person, and silence such as this usually means something is wrong where he is concerned. And I asked him if he got upset because I refused him in the middle of the night. He says it’s not that. But I can sense this dark cloud over us, something isn’t right and I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

I hope some of you could shed light on me because I’m just feeling really uneasy, like waiting for a storm to hit, but I cant figure out what could have brought it on.

I got an IM from him on my pc saying
"Hope you're okay. gonna try and grab a bit of sleep . Will be leaving for School later. Thinking of coming back later tonight but not really sure."

(He usually stays over night at the teachers housing at the UNI on Tuesdays and Thursdays because the campus is an hour away from where we live and his classes are at 7 in the morning the next day.) so there is nothing unusual about this)

my reply:

"I'm ok, I wish you weren't so cold and nonchalant this morning. Doesn't make me feel good about starting off my day at all. feels like there's a dark cloud. But anyway,yes, try and get some sleep. I'm around all day so you can buzz me anytime and I’ll just be around tonight too if you decide to come home"

"ok I need to sleep now."

And that was our recent exchange, I know maybe to some its nothing but this is just so unlike our normal convo's even after we've had a fight were sweeter and more expressive than this.

I dunno what I'm looking for but maybe i just needed to let it out.

**Enigmos** · 09-09-09, 02:14 PM

gawd, wish i could provide some insight. can't stand the brooding type - the type that can't communicate what they're feeling. the whole breakfast in bed served with silent treatment almost sounds like fattening you up for the kill. but i'm not a guy...

**tasha1133** · 10-09-09, 03:14 PM

Originally Posted by Enigmos

gawd, wish i could provide some insight. can't stand the brooding type - the type that can't communicate what they're feeling. the whole breakfast in bed served with silent treatment almost sounds like fattening you up for the kill. but i'm not a guy...

I'm just confused... all this "secretive silence" is getting to me. I wish i could make it just go away.

**Bumble_bee** · 10-09-09, 08:39 PM

I would give him a couple of days before you address this issue, he might just need time to let it all out, or it might be that he was pleased with the way things were going, and he felt a little knocked back (is he the type to admit it?)......If the silent treatment continues, then sure I would ask for an explanantion, you do not derserve to walk around on eggshells when you do not know what you were supposed to have done wrong. Hang in there, hope it all works out.

**Gigabitch** · 11-09-09, 12:55 AM

I hate that shit. I like to get stuff all out in the open, immediately. It's scary when people harbor things. It's like he's got something in the bank and it's gaining interest every day.

The worst part is that you're probably torturing yourself thinking about every possible outcome, when if he would just tell you what's up you'd only have to deal with the reality.

Is having sex three times in one night a regular thing with you two? That seems like a lot to me. I'm wondering what's going on with him (but not as much as you are, I'm sure).

**tasha1133** · 11-09-09, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

I hate that shit. I like to get stuff all out in the open, immediately. It's scary when people harbor things. It's like he's got something in the bank and it's gaining interest every day.

The worst part is that you're probably torturing yourself thinking about every possible outcome, when if he would just tell you what's up you'd only have to deal with the reality.

Is having sex three times in one night a regular thing with you two? That seems like a lot to me. I'm wondering what's going on with him (but not as much as you are, I'm sure).

my husband has is a deeply sensitive man, and he does have a big tendency to dwell on things in the past (good or bad), i don't really have anything against these traits as they are, they're part of who he was when i met him, but i have to admit that they can be a bitch sometimes.

And yes having sex three or more times a night is VERY REGULAR. I have a good sex drive and I do enjoy the sex a lot, but i also have to admit that he has a really really high sex drive. he has never said no, or not been able to follow through yet. and he is the instigator most of the time. Ifind his high sex drive fun and it can be a really good thing for me (most of the time) but i have to admit, there are times when i just dont want to... hes never really taken it against me before though so i found his doing so this time very unsual.

Originally Posted by Bumble_bee

I would give him a couple of days before you address this issue, he might just need time to let it all out, or it might be that he was pleased with the way things were going, and he felt a little knocked back (is he the type to admit it?)......If the silent treatment continues, then sure I would ask for an explanantion, you do not derserve to walk around on eggshells when you do not know what you were supposed to have done wrong. Hang in there, hope it all works out.

update: we talked last night and he pretty much just as you say. (at least he admitted it). things aren't OK between us yet. There were a lot of issues brought up, (good thing is, we both want to work on fixing things) problem is, we, neither of us, know exactly where to start. But were thinking of getting counseling.

**Bumble_bee** · 11-09-09, 04:51 PM

tasha, I'm glad that things are all out in the open for you now, and you guys can begin working on it together. Counselling is a good start. Best wishes, hope it all works out

**tasha1133** · 14-09-09, 10:21 AM

we haven't had our counseling session yet, I'm trying to schedule it for this coming Saturday. The fights have gotten worse, I am no happy, If things don't change, I don't think that I can just keep pretending everything is okay, from what happened last week, it has become an uphill battle getting worse by the day. I don't even know where to strat sharing. I just want out.

**CocoChanel** · 14-09-09, 10:31 AM

Wow Tasha. I hope you two get to counseling fast. Give counseling a fair chance before thinking of a way out.

**Mish** · 14-09-09, 11:03 AM

Maybe he just wasn't in the mood to talk or his silence wasn't related to your relationship. Sometimes people tend to over analyze these things and make mountains out of molehills.

**tasha1133** · 14-09-09, 03:38 PM

Originally Posted by Mishanya

Maybe he just wasn't in the mood to talk or his silence wasn't related to your relationship. Sometimes people tend to over analyze these things and make mountains out of molehills.

but its no longer just a silence, its a lot of anger and hate and bitterness and I feel lost, I really don't know what to do anymore.

**tasha1133** · 16-09-09, 03:14 PM

I appreciate everyone who has given me advice and who has tried to help me through my problems. I still do not know how to make everything right, but I will continue trying.

**IndiReloaded** · 16-09-09, 03:45 PM

Intellectually smart, emotionally retarded. Oh boy. And making excuses for him to boot. "Emotionally sensitive", my ass.

He cheated on you, right? With a 'friend' of yours. Yea, sounds real sensitive.

He should be licking your boots you haven't divorced him, not him making you walk on eggshells. Are you so afraid to lose him that you will sacrifice your boundaries and good sense?

Of course you have hate, anger, bitterness. The e-tard cheated on you. A year ago, and you haven't been to counselling YET?

You aren't walking on eggshells, you are paralyzed. Start demanding respect from this guy, after you think hard about whether he's actually worth it.

Good luck, Tasha.

**tasha1133** · 17-09-09, 02:19 PM

We had our first session yesterday. It went considerably well. it seemed a lot easier to talk to each other because there was a mediator, and he seemed to respond better (maybe because of our therapists authoritative aura). Last night seemed a lot calmer than any of the past nights we've had. And he even sent me an sms saying he missed me already after i left for work. I feel a little relieved, but i am not convinced that things will stay this smooth. I am just thankful for the break in all the negativity.

Or do you think I am speaking too soon?

**IndiReloaded** · 17-09-09, 02:45 PM

Its not the counsellors job to fix your relationship. Its his/her job to help open lines of communication. The rest is up to you two.

When things are calm is the time to discuss an issue of concern. Just don't do it all the time (you have to enjoy your calm moments also) and keep your discussion pointed.

Anyway, I think its good he is contacting you himself. He needs to hustle for you more. He owes it to you.

Thread: not feeling too optimistic today, i need to vent.

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