Sexual Intimacy

[DarkAzrael]

I am seeing the woman of my dreams... literally. We met in school when we were 14, the first day I saw her my heart stopped and I knew she was the one. 13 years later and not a week has went by that she hasn't been on my mind and in my dreams. I was way too shy to ask her out back then and she moved away before I could work up the nerve. A twist of fate brought us back together.

She makes me incredibly happy, when she holds my hand while I'm driving I get lost and forget where I am going, because she is all I can think about. We have talked marriage and I might be getting the engagement ring very soon.

She has had a rough time, many loser boyfriends who never took care of her. She fooled around a bit with more guys than I am honestly comfortable with, and she isn't a virgin.

I understand that she has a past, and I can overlook that, we all have pasts. To be honest I feel bad about the string of guys she ended up with. I wish she had an easier time filled with more love and happiness than what she had.

My problem is that while she has fooled around with guys no strings attached and went to bed with some on the first night, she will not sleep with me. She says that she is focusing on being more moral and that she doesn't want to be intimate until she is married. She won't let me get to second base even.

I understand it, I really do. She has been hurt a lot, no one has treated her right and she doesn't want to sleep around, she wants to be a good girl.

The thing is, in the back of my mind I can't shake the little thought:

"You have given her your heart and as hard as it is you opened up and bared your soul to her. You treat her with respect and love. You care for her emotionally and financially. You would do anything in the world for her. You are buying a new house and since the wedding may be coming up in the not too distant future you are letting her pick it out because you want to give her her dream home and spend your life making her happy and her every dream come true... But if it's mutual, if she loves you too how can she put out in the past for guys who treat her badly and use her, but you, the guy who treats her as his personal goddess, she won't let you touch her?"

I know it isn't fair, I know why she feels the way she does and I respect it, but in the back of my mind it hurts knowing that what she has given out freely to several other guys who never cared about her, who never treated her with love and respect she can't give to the man she wants to marry and father her children.

How on earth do I move past this and stop feeling hurt and a little betrayed by it? How is it so easy to give yourself to other men for a night but not to the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[miSSleepy]

I wouldn't worry about it. She's learned from her mistakes - that's a GOOD thing! Knowing about her past and the regrets that she has, would you really be comfortable if she did have sex with you so soon? Wouldn't that mean that she's still in the same mindset as before and doesn't see you as serious relationship material, just as the guys before you?

She wants to wait until marriage, and she's planning to marry you. Instead of feeling insulted, you should be feel at peace with the fact that you found this girl again, and even after a rough ride, she is working to resolve her issues.

[SAVANAH]

She's trying to make it work and trying something new, seeing that all past relationships have failed, she seems like a nice lady regardless of her past and she's doing this for the relationship and it's clear she really want's it to work, I say go with it and be grateful for it, she's trying to make your relationship special and she might be afraid of getting hurt again, support her in doing this even if she someday before marriage says she's ready that way she can see you looking out for her and the relationships best interest and will be grateful, if she's the woman of your dreams Im sure it's not that big a deal

[Gigabitch]

While I generally agree with miSSy and Savanah most of the time, I'm going to have to go the other direction on this one.

The way I see it, it's too late to save it for marriage. That's for virgins. This makes me wonder if there's something going on with her that she doesn't want to tell you until the deal is sealed. Does she have herpes? What the ****? Does she think her hymen will regenerate if she abstains long enough?

I, myself, would never marry someone I haven't given a test drive. A year-long test drive, actually. Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life. Sexual compatibility is really important and will help hold you two together after this mad infatuation you're experiencing wears off (and it will). I think it's pretty disturbing that this wonderful, special, intimate thing is something she's withholding from you in the interest of doing things "right".

[Charlie Boy II]

tsk tsk, such a cynic. I actually don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. If they suck in bed together, then they've got the rest of their marriage to sort it out. I respect people who limit their partners like that.

Anyway buddy, it sucks to be you.

[girl68]

I'm with giga on this one.

Yes, she learnt from past mistakes, yes she's correcting them. But WTF. Now she's putting you off until marriage. Do you realize what could happen after you get married? She could have decided that during that time she doesn't see sex as important at all. She could say our bond outside the bedroom is more important than the inside blah blah blah bullshit.

How long have you been in a relationship with her? Sounds to me you're in lusty love, not a day past the honeymoon phase.

[NeoSeminole]

walk away while you still can. This woman sounds f*cked up and she's pulling you down with her.

[jrharvey]

I get a funny feeling from this. I dont mean to rain on the parade but it really sounds to me like your the "Safe guy". Maybe Im totally wrong but I have seen this before. Do you ever wonder if she is really happy or if she is fooling herself into thinking that your the right guy because she has been hurt so many times? You sound like you give her the world but alot of times that turns a girl off. If that is how she feels then I have been in her shoes before but from the guys side. I was hurt and went to the safe girl that I knew wouldnt hurt me ever. I fooled myself into thinking that she was the one and blah blah. IDK, its just odd thats all.

[NeoSeminole]

her justification for not being intimate with you is retarded. Try this: tell her you dated a string of loser girlfriends in the past who treated you bad and took advantage of your kindness. As a result, you became an asshole to avoid being hurt. Now you're saving your kindness for marriage and if she loves you and respect you, then she will wait. See what she says ;-)

[jrharvey]

I think she would leave him NEO if that is what he did say.

[Gigabitch]

tsk tsk, such a cynic.

I get to play the I've Been Married Twice card here. Sex matters.

I think she would leave him NEO if that is what he did say.

Yeah, but you have to admit it was hilarious.

What this looks like to me is that she's trying to become a completely different person and that marrying you is part of that. I don't trust that. I want her to offer herself to you, the good, the bad and the ugly (and the pink parts), not some whitewashed baggage.

[DarkAzrael]

tsk tsk, such a cynic. I actually don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. If they suck in bed together, then they've got the rest of their marriage to sort it out. I respect people who limit their partners like that.

Anyway buddy, it sucks to be you.

Sometimes it definitely sucks to be me....

I'm not really worried about my bedroom performance, and other things we have done seem to point toward us being rather compatible in that department. I would feel much more comfortable knowing for certain that there aren't any major problems in the bedroom.

From the talking we have done and the questions she has asked me I can tell she has really not been taken care of in that department. She's never been with a guy who put in any effort for her in the bedroom. The questions she asks me are actually rather cute.

I do understand how she feels... She has told me about several of her relationships, and even knowing I am only hearing one side of the story, she hasn't dated Prince Charming at any point.

[DarkAzrael]

I get a funny feeling from this. I dont mean to rain on the parade but it really sounds to me like your the "Safe guy". Maybe Im totally wrong but I have seen this before. Do you ever wonder if she is really happy or if she is fooling herself into thinking that your the right guy because she has been hurt so many times? You sound like you give her the world but alot of times that turns a girl off. If that is how she feels then I have been in her shoes before but from the guys side. I was hurt and went to the safe girl that I knew wouldnt hurt me ever. I fooled myself into thinking that she was the one and blah blah. IDK, its just odd thats all.

That would be my biggest worry. What if we continue on and get married and a few years into it she decides she wants something else. It has been my experience that nice guys always finish last. Learned that a long time ago...

It is incredibly hard to find a good woman, it really is.

[DarkAzrael]

I'm with giga on this one.

Yes, she learnt from past mistakes, yes she's correcting them. But WTF. Now she's putting you off until marriage. Do you realize what could happen after you get married? She could have decided that during that time she doesn't see sex as important at all. She could say our bond outside the bedroom is more important than the inside blah blah blah bullshit.

How long have you been in a relationship with her? Sounds to me you're in lusty love, not a day past the honeymoon phase.

We have been together for a little over a year. That's why I joke that Crayola is naming a new shade of blue after me....

[girl68]

And how old are you and she?