cheatin on bf :( this is a long one....

[chillypepper12]

Hey all, a newb here so bear with me while I pour my heart out to you with everything that I can't tell my friends. Me and "brad" have been together for 2.5 years. During that time we've had our ups and downs like any couple but we've always managed to work out our differences even if we haven't always fixed the underlying issues.

To give you an understanding of the extent/depth of our relationship I should tell you that we are in discussion of marriage (in other words, he wants to marry me and I think I want to marry him when the time is right). I love his family and my family loves him, we share most of the same values when it comes to children, religion, work ethic, family, and friends. I luv most of his friends and he's okay with mine but really only likes my best friends (I'm totally cool with this). He has a great personality in terms of sociability. He come across as very confident, fun, silly at times but overall ppl like to be in his company. Some of my best memories are just sitting on the couch with him watching hell's kitchen and doing nothing. Brad is financially secure, he works a full time job, is finishing up some courses for his bachelor degree (we're young, he's 23 I'm 22) and is pretty much a success so far. He is a catch in every sense of the word and I can see myself building a home with him in my future.

So what's the problem? I am singing the praises of this man but the title of this post is that I'm cheating on him!
Here it is. Brad is beautiful. He has these big, wide hazel brown eyes with the longest, curliest lashes. He has thick black hair, and clear skin, small ears that don't stick out! He's also tall (6'1) and broad in the shoulders, very masculine looking. Again, where's the problem? Well, he's just over 300lbs. When I started dating him he was overweight too but probably about 40lbs less than now. At that time his gf of three years had just dumped him and the last few months of that relationship he had packed on the pounds. Believe me, I've seen pictures of him while they were dating and he was about 185-190 and he looked like a movie star. Right now though I'm so unattracted to him.

The thing is not just his weight. Like I said, he was overweight when we started dating and through our relationship he's gone up and down. Last October (2008) he reached a peak of about 320 at which point he was given a shock by his parents and decided that he needed to los some weight. At this time I was about 150lbs (I'm only 5'1 so that was huge) but he never said anything to me about it. Either way I took his new attitude on weight loss and adopted it. From october to now I've lost over 30 lbs and am now a svelte 115lbs (not bragging but I am proud of myself). I am in the best shape I've been in years and it shows in my outlook on life as I'm now more outgoing and comfortable with myself. I couldn't have done it without brad though. Our meals together were always healthy, we worked out a bit together and in january we went on a cruise and had an amazing time. So from october to february or so, he lost about 80 lbs and I was really proud to be with him. We just looked pretty lol.

Since then, however, something happened that made him stop working out and watching what he ate. It might have been a slight I jury, I'm not too sure. But either way, he just became lazy (or maybe he was like that before but I didn't notice bc I was the same). So he's gained a lot of the weight back and I have a lot of trouble wanting to be intimate with him. Its not just that I'm not attracted to his body (I can look past it, honestly) but he doesn't have the energy and he doesn't even try. There's little to no foreplay and he basically expects me to be ready when he is (which is not very often at all). I, on the other hand, want it almost all the time. At the very least I wish he would just hold me more or just make out even if there's no sex involved.

Now the second issue is this: I started a new job in november at a financial institution where I'm surrounded by young, like-minded individuals such as myself. There is one guy (who is my superior) that I've become friends with and we've become closer and closer. About two months ago I started telling him about my problems with brad hoping for a guy's perspective. One thing led to another and we started sneaking around. Although he is an amazing guy (super hot, ambitious, family oriented) we could never be together for many reasons. There is no question that I would tell brad ever (ever) and I'm not planning on leaving him. While I feel super guilty for cheating on brad, I can't seem to stop with tje guy from work. Turns out I've developed some feelings for him and he has told me recently that he feels the same way. Oddly enough he tries to help me with my relationship and insists that as soon as brad is back to normal he will fade into the background and let me be.

How can I have feelings for him when I love brad? What can I do to stop this before one of us (the three of us) gets hurt? Every time I think ill just end this little affair, he does something or tells me something really sexy and I want him all over again! Help!

[girl68]

You just made a fook load of excuses and not one statement expresses guilt or remorse OR accountability.

What should you do? CUT IT OUT. What will you do: insist that you "can't".

[carl1222]

Right on, girl68, and I apologize in advance for taking a swipe at your gender ... but of all the threads I've seen here where a woman admits to cheating, it's always their boyfriend/husband's fault. I've never seen ONE thread where she's admitted that it's really about a cute guy and an itch in her panties. NOT ONE!

Advice to chillypepper. I think you should dump Brad ... you know, the really nice guy who's sitting at home dumb and happy planning your lives together. Why not? In your own words, he's fat and lazy anyway. Then you will be free to pursue a relationship with your boss (how ordinary) without any guilt. Oh wait ... he isn't looking for a relationship with you, right?

So what's in it for him? He's just getting laid. Then again, so are you, so maybe you're a good match.

Carl.

[Mish]

There is no question that I would tell brad ever (ever) and I'm not planning on leaving him.

I think that's very unfortunate for Brad. He should know that you've betrayed him without taking any responsibility for it and blaming him instead. He should know what kind of a person you really are.

It's okay to have problems with some one's weight or other issues in the relationship. But healthy rational adults usually talk about it or they end things with their partner before they move on to some one else. There is no justification for your actions.

[IndiReloaded]

Hot little chilly is never coming back to Tough Love Forum, methinks.

[girl68]

Me thinks Indi is right.

[MrNiceGuy]

like any couple but we've always managed to work out our differences even if we haven't always fixed the underlying issues.

Typical. Just admit it, you just want to play.

[Gigabitch]

You didn't cheat because he's fat, Chilly. You cheated because you're a cheater.

Don't marry him. Let someone have him who won't do ****ed up shit like have affairs with her boss. Maybe the right person would make Brad feel like taking care of himself. Carrying that much extra weight around is an indication of a deeper unhappiness. Maybe the fact that he's with someone he can't trust is part of the problem.

[bluesummer]

I can't believe you're trying to justify cheating on someone you supposedly 'love'. No way.

Brad sounds like a nice guy, even if he is heavy. You think him being overweight justifies your actions? Fat people don't deserve love and respect, right? He should feel lucky to be with skinny little you? Wrong.

IF you have a shred of decency left in your soul you will tell him the truth and leave him. Let him find someone who will not only love him, but respect him as he deserves. Just because you're not physically attracted to him anymore doesn't give you the right to cheat on him. At least save his dignity and leave him first. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, sunshine.

[entrepreneur724]

IF you have a shred of decency left in your soul you will tell him the truth and leave him. Let him find someone who will not only love him, but respect him as he deserves. Just because you're not physically attracted to him anymore doesn't give you the right to cheat on him. At least save his dignity and leave him first. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, sunshine.

Amen.

[davidtorres]

You should tell brad if you have any decency. Its just stupid to back stab him like that. He gave you his trust and love then you're going to cheat! that's BS!
Why not break up with Brad then go for that guy? Stop playing games. Its so unfair for brad.Either way, Brad will find out.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL. These replies are ironic. She already cheated. So why on earth would she be honest with him about it? I don't sense any remorse in her post. She almost sounds proud of it. My guess is she's a troll.

If true, tho, then poor guy. He's probably grateful to have a beautiful GF and she is probably enabling him to keep him believing this.

Until he wakes up and dumps her ass. Or goes nuts on her for it. These kinds of things never end well. But they do tend to end fairly, so should be interesting.

[bluesummer]

My guess is, he'd find out and then 'forgive' her, based on years of experience here on LF.

[chump4u]

Chillypepper, what you need to do is to pack your bags and walk out the door.

Leave Brad. Now.

Because it's obvious that he doesn't deserve you.

Hell, Jeffrey Dahmer wouldn't deserve you.

You're a man's worst nightmare.

So go...just go!...before you screw up Brad's life any more than you've already done.

Go to your Bad Boy.

He'sthe one who deserves you, just as you deserve him.

But don't be a stranger: come back here and keep me posted on what happens when you tell your Bad Boy "I dumped my fat-assed boyfriend, so I'm all yours, now..."

I can always use a good laugh.

[thrillaveza]

damn she's getting torn up in this thread. well technically, it's common. i mean people lose the spark of interest and then pursue other people instantly. but USUALLY most people would (or should even) break it off with their current relationship to look at least less of a bad person. but idk what will happen to the outcome of your situation. you f'd up.