Boyfriend dumped me--> is this a real excuse?

[Lessia]

Hey.
my boyfriend broke up with me on saturday. we've been going out for 2 yrs (in Oct). hes awesome but has been feeling a little stressed lately. hes a manager, one of his staff is suicidal, his mom has MS and he has 3 brothers and is the eldest. hes also starting teachers college this fall and is freaking out about that. on sat i surprised him by bringing him breakfast on my way to work. i brought him breakfast at his work. he flipped. he said he was worried about me driving, that im a new driver (been driving since last october), i shouldnt go out of my way to get him things, hes worried about me getting into an accident, etc, etc. NOTE: my work and his work are about 2.5 miles away from each other. he then proceeded to have a small panick attack, complete with hyper ventilating. i tried to console him but i was pretty embarassed he has told his entire staff i was a "new driver" and he was treating me like a child. so i left. i was a bit pissed, all i wanted was a "thanks babe, u didnt have to do that!" anyway, that night he calls me and breaks it off... ON THE PHONE. says the following:
-cant commit to a relationship
-this anxiety of worrying about you is too much
-i wish i met you in 6 yrs cuz i want to marry you
-i dont want to bring you down with me
-i just need some time to myself to figure this out and feel better
-i want to be friends
-i love you
-im in love with you

I then called him an asshole and he got in the car to come say it in person.

way to make a girl confused, right? anyway, after much debate about how i want to stay by him and help him out he refused. claiming that since he loves and cares for me the most in his life, his strategy is that if he gets rid of me, the anxiety with go away bc he wont worry about me... but if he still loves me, wont he worry anyway? he hopes one day things can work out between us and for now he wants me to be his friend he can call on... but im not cool with that. im not a doormat. and he broke my heart.
i would rather he tell me he doesnt want me anymore cuz he doesnt love me, but its not the case.. i know he does. he left my house by giving me a kiss, and saying "ill call you tomorrow, i love you." how weird right?... for a break up... the first 2 days i was a wreck.. now im starting to feel pissed. how can he do that? and what do you think will happen/ what does it mean???

thanks so much,
-lessia

[jrharvey]

Guys are confusing but I actually think his excuse is legit. Why he would abandon the one stable person he knows, I dont know but it is possible to break up with someone you are still in love with. It sounds like he is crazy stressed and you may be stressing him out as well (NOT INTENTIONALLY). Relationships are hard work and they do cause stress sometimes so its probably one of the few things he can actually control. It could also be a self destructive act. Things are going crazy and he wants to do go through it alone. Sometimes a girl says she wants to stick with you through all the hard stuff but a guy knows its not always true. Sometimes they know that it will cause the relationship to self destruct and therefore leaving early. I think getting upset with him will only make things worse. Just stay calm and live your life. I dont want to get your hopes up but I think he just needs a break. He may be back and want you again. HOWEVER, dont count on it. Just live your life. It does sound like he still loves you and I think its just as hard for him to let you go as it is for you to let go. Just remember that.

[Carmen]

Something similar is happening to me right now (also 2 years into the relationship with a guy who swears he loves me) Well, it happened almost a month ago, I'm doing better now but still confused and "waiting"..The first 2 weeks I tried talking to him about it and he just wouldn't. I understand how it makes it harder when you know that he loves you. I didn't like when people told me to just focus on myself and do things for myself because all I could think was him...and trying to figure out why this happened. After 2 weeks things may start feeling a little better, you start accepting the situation as part of your life now. I bought a book called "getting back together" and "make up, don't break up" which explains how sometimes it is healthy to take a break (breakup) to save your relationship..it really helps you stay positive, especially if you really want to work things out with him and you love him and trust him. I know it would suck to invest all of this time trying to prepare to get back together if he end up deciding not to, but your other option is to forget him (which could be harder). After going through this for a few weeks and having felt many different things, my advice to you is : Stay positive (thinking that this is temporary will help you do that), don't even mention the breakup or ask why? don't think "why would he do this if he loved me?" don't start blaming yourself and emailing/calling/texting apologies..or telling him how bad you feel (this will only make him stress out even more) Be strong for him. Think about the things you could do better once this is all over--don't start becoming angry at him or losing trust, this will just make it harder if he decides he wants you back in his life. Show him that you can be happy without him and that he doesn't need to take care of you (even if you're not happy) I don't see my ex but have shared a few emails/texts a couple of times..I try to keep it very positive and not to ask him how he feels or tell him how I feel (It sucks because that is what we do when we are together--it's almost like talking with a different person-- I just hope that this way he'll start to miss me and see that I'm not a burden in his life.
I really think that it will be harder for both of you to remain "broken up" while talking to each other daily...unless you can deal with it without being angry or talking about the relationship (It takes a lot to be that giving and kind to someone--it's almost like you have to forget about yourself for the time being) I do believe that even if in the end he doesn't come back to you, or mine to me..at least we'll know that we did our best and we were there for them when they needed it. That shows you truly love him--it takes a lot. Guys are so confusing sometimes...read about them and it helps you understand them better. I also got the book men are from mars women are from venus--talks about how men go into their caves when they have problems (don't want people around) and women are the opposite, they want to talk about their problems.

Good luck!

[Lessia]

i cant help but think how can he love me and do something like that? we were BEST FRIENDS. I mean, told everything to eachother, peed while both were in the bathroom, like...................... BEST ****ING FRIENDS, and he just ditches? I'm sorry but i can't help but feel like saying "what an asshole". and this whole wanting to remain best friends business is not cool at all. and hes very upset that im not cool with it and thinks he can just call me up whenever. he hasnt yet but its only been a day since we last talked. anyway, hes insisting hell come visit me at school and well go to lunch and all this stuff but... i cant. no, i wont degrade myself to being there for him.. bc then he gets the support system he needs but doesnt have to have the commitment, or worse, later on he can **** other people and have me as a friend?!?!?! screw that, screw that 100 times over. no way. i will love him forever, i know that. no matter what happens... but i cant be his friend.. of course, if something catastrophic happens, i want him to tell me and i would call him if something should happen to me bc, at the end of the day, im in love with him and hes the only one i can see myself with and trust. ive given myself a month to let him get over it. but i cant wait forever. one month seems fair, a chance to get back into the swing of things but after that month, ill have to move oon and start seeing other people. it will probably hurt and ill only ever think about him when with someone else (like in forgetting sarah marshall) but if he REALLY wants to be with me and not lose me, then he'll get his shit together, quick. and if he does decide he wants me back, he better come with flowers.

[Carmen]

You're right to not want to be friends with him now...it's not fair for you. Besides, if you're there all of the time he won't get the chance to miss you or realize how his life would be without you. You need to tell him that for the love you have for him, you'll allow him to have the time that he needs (don't give him limitations) and that you don't think he'll get this if you're around every day--also say that this has made you discover that there are things you would like to work on for yourself--and need to be alone to do so. ..just say "if by the time you discover what you want I still have strong feelings for you, then we can try again..If not, I'll be glad to be friends with you then" This may make him realize, without giving him limitations, that you won't be waiting forever. I thought I would be back with mine in a month. Maybe if I would have completely stayed away from the beginning we would be talking now. Think of it as the more you keep talking to him, the longer this will be dragged on

[Lessia]

thanks carmen. ill keep your quote i just cant imagine myself saying it to him. i know im young but hes the one, he smart, hes funny, caring, cute, hot, sexy, responsible, successful, loves dogs, hes just... perfect.. but right now prince charming's fallen off his horse. i wish hed let me catch him but he thinks im too small and weak.. hes a people pleaser, thinks everyone NEEDS him. well i dont.. he said i was super independent when i met him, which was.. kind of true. and he says he really liked that girl... so maybe he wants to go away and give me a chance to gain some independence back??? spice things up with a break up? i dont know carmen, im really kind of confused.

[Carmen]

I think you should do that, try being independent without him..it's crazy how when we fall in love with someone we become so dependent on them to be happy--I think this may be stressful for him, especially if he is a people pleaser (he doesn't think he can make you happy) and nothing you say will change how he feels/thinks. Maybe when he realizes you don't need him to be happy, then he won't feel the stress he feels now, because he'll "know" you can be okay without him. It's a stupid game but if you read about it, it's all in a male's psychology..Have you been nagging him at all? this makes them feel that they are failing at making you happy, which brings more stress. I did it too...I didn't know it would end like this though. I always thought we could talk about our problems and work things out together--but that is not what he wants. I know it is our nature to try to help them, but believe it or not, they don't want/need our help. We just make it harder...I try not to take it personally anymore. My ex told me that he wanted me to regain my confidence and do things for myself- I think it is a turn off for a man to have a girlfriend who is not independent/confident/secure by herself..they don't want you depending on them for all of that. You have to be able to do this for yourself, and possibly for him. You know? at first I said I'll give it a month, and it seemed soooo long. I thought I would be over with it by now and that he would be back--unfortunately sometimes it takes longer. I think that the day I'm independent/confident and happy without him (does not mean I won't miss him/love him anymore), he will be back. I want to regain that confidence I had when I met him/what made him fall in love with me and start again--I think it is better doing it this way than trying to hold on to them while they go through their little roller-coaster. You won't have a chance to regain your confidence unless you start taking care of yourself..I wish I could have thought like I do now the week we broke up...It's natural to be angry, hurt, and want answers. I felt that he just abandoned me (like a mother abandoning a child on the street) and didn't care about me anymore...but that showed me how dependent I was on him you see? Stay focused and be strong. Do it for the love you have for him and your wishes to be back together in a stronger better relationship in the future, and to gain your confidence/independence back.

[Carmen]

If you feel that he is the one then try to be strong. There is a much higher probability of it working the way you want it to if you give him the time he needs and work on yourself. Sometimes, in situations like this, doing what your heart tells you is not the best way to go. You have to be smart and think things through.. Even if you fail to do so at first, make it your goal.

[Lessia]

carmen. you're so right. but i cant get out of bed. i ate MAYBE 1000 calories in the last 3 days and i dont know what to do. of course i want to be there for him, help him through this but he doesnt want/need my help. this upsets me. i used to be bulimic and he took me to counselling and sat in on friends&family meetings, asked questions on how to deal with it as a boyfriend... so if he was able to be there for me, why not me there for him? this is so ****ed up. do you think he loves me less than he did then or that he was in a stronger place himself back then and could handle doing that? see how there are a million answers to simple questions? i will freak if he takes a long time. everyone of my friends of talked to (even guys) say hell be back in a couple weeks to a month based on how much they saw we cared for each other. i hope to god theyre right. but still, theres so much doubt. BUT what i find interesting is the difference in opinion between guys and girls... they ALL agree that this whole situation is f"ed up. but the guys say I should be pissed and that was a dick move on his part. that they'd be so grateful for a girl like me, etc.and that i shouldnt be surprised if he comes back soon. and all the GIRLS ive talked to say that hes just being weird, hell get out of his funk soon and realize his stupid mistake. i hope theyre both right. i am a little pissed off.. like, seriously, dump me on the PHONE after 2 yrs? when i tell my girlfriends that they say he cant be serious about this break up to be so casual about it... i dont know, i dont know anything... which is driving me crazy because i like structure.

[chickprincess]

I'm sorry for what happened. Maybe he's just THAT stressed that's why he said those things.

[chickprincess]

Always remember that if someone really loves you, he/she wouldn't do things that will make your relationship NOT work.

[chickprincess]

Usually things like that happen. When the guy/girl gets fed up with the relationship because of LAME reasons.

[Lessia]

i wont call him or text him or anything.. im just gonna move on,, do you think hell come crawling back?

[fCukl0vee]

He's bored of you, probably met someone new and wants to have his fun while keeping you there as a back up plan in case him and the new girl doesn't work out. you'll soon find yourself still sleeping with him while being a "friend" and he'll also be ****ing the new girl secretly behind your back.

[Mud]

Always remember that if someone really loves you, he/she wouldn't do things that will make your relationship NOT work.

X2

If he really loved you it wouldnt matter what he had going on in his life he would always have time for you and make you a priority. As difficult as it is the best thing you can do is move on and try to find someone whose going to meet your needs and desires.

Luck