I can't get over my girlfriend's past... and more.

[loveandlaughter]

So... Where to start.
It all started 2.5 years ago. I met a wonderful girl online. Her name is Susy (for privacy sakes). We hit it off, we were having a grand ole' time. About a month after chatting with her online, she informs me she now has a boyfriend online. Let's call him Larry. Now, within that month of talking to her online, I became fond of her, so obviously when she told me she had a boyfriend now, I was crushed, but life goes on. Fast forward to about 5 months ago, I see her online and casually talk to her. She tells me that Larry broke up with her a couple months ago (which makes their relationship about 2 years long). Now, since they had an online relationship, they only met once in real life. She informs me that they only kissed when they met, which was about 1.5 years into the relationship. I believe her. We start talking frequently again, and eventually, we meet up since we don't live too far away from each other. We both are madly in love with each other and decide to date in real life. At the beginning of our relationship, and up until recently, I thought nothing of her past relationship with Larry. That is, until one day I see her check her e-mail. One of her inboxes is named "Me and Larry." This is when everything went downhill... I got curious as to what was in the inbox. I couldn't help but wonder why she saved all their emails. I still wonder about it. I am ashamed to admit it, and I know I'm a horrible, horrible boyfriend for doing so, but one way or another... I invaded her privacy and looked at the inbox. There would be things you expect in the inbox, love letters, erotic pictures, videos... etc. Everything that pertained to them. It's really getting to me now. I can't stop thinking about any of it. I knew she sent these things to him before we even started dating, and I don't even think it's the material in it that bothers me... it's the fact that she still keeps it, even months and months after the break up and she while she has a new boyfriend. Normally, we are open these types of things and discuss them, but I can't in this situation because I invaded her privacy like a dumbass. She would dump me if she knew I did such a stupid thing. I really do love her more than anything... and I don't want this to get in the way. I would take any advice at all... any! Before you answer, I know I'm a horrible boyfriend... thanks!

[Junket]

It's her right to keep those things.

I have kept the written letters from a girl I had intention on meeting, until I found out she had some eating disorder and was otherwise, crazy.

[EndlessRomantic]

What is done is done. What has been seen cannot be unseen. However, just a little commentary on looking at your girlfriend's e-mails, you will only hurt yourself by doing such a thing. You will learn alot from someone's e-mail, but not everything you will learn will be good. People keep secrets for a reason.

As far as why she is keeping these things in her e-mail, she hasn't come to the point where she is ready to get rid of them. When your relationship with her gets to a certain point, she will get rid of them. People each react differently, but eventually, she wont need or want them anymore.

[carl1222]

Endless is right. You are paying the price for being a snoop, don't make her pay it as well.

Since their long-term relationship was virtually all long distance, you should have expected the kind of things you found. As for her keeping them for a while, remember ... he was important to her for two years, so totally obliterating him from her life is understandably difficult.

Also remember ... 1) you found nothing to indicate she continued a relationship with him after you two got together; and 2) they only met once in real life over a 2 year relationship, so their relationship was DOA from the very start.

She's allowed to have fond memories from her past. As long as she isn't unfaithful to you, respect that.

Carl.

[loveandlaughter]

I know Carl, I should respect that. It still eats away at me though that she would have something like that saved so long after the relationship ended and while she has a new boyfriend (me). I just really want some advice on how to deal with such a feeling. I can't just go up to her and tell her about it and discuss it, that would risk me losing her.

[carl1222]

Glib answer perhaps, but just suck it up and live with it in silence and don't let it infect your relationship at all. Unless she just turned up in a turnip patch, she has a past and you aren't the only guy she ever had strong romantic feelings for. Lots of guys forget that and agonize over their girlfriend's romantic past. Just remember, she has [BOLD]chosen[/BOLD] to be with you ... her past is, well, her past!

[I Found Him]

I don't think she should have that stuff saved. If she's in a relationship with you, then past relationships should be kept just there, in the past. It's like she needs some validation from another man to feel powerful or something.

Plus, (and i'm not judging meeting people on the internet cus that's how I met my partner) but this thing she had with that guy wasn't even a relationship for crying out loud. So basically she's harbouring seedy online porn emails from a virtual stranger.

I know you love her but if it was me i dont think i could live with knowing what you know. Yes, you invaded her privacy and that was wrong. You should ask yourself the question, would you rather you never knew that she had this stuff and remain in blissful ignorance or would you rather you knew about it, spoke about it and moved forward from it?

[loveandlaughter]

I Found Him, I'm sure she thinks of Larry as a real relationship. So, if I were to tell her it wasn't real, and she has porn emails to and from a stranger, that really wouldn't go over well with her. I really do wish I could talk to her about it, but that would risk my relationship with her, which is something I'm not about to let happen, especially over this. It is hard living knowing it, but I'll just have to accept the fact that she has it and move on. I just have to stay positive and hope for the best. I can almost guarantee though that somewhere down the line it will come out and we will have to face it, but I know we will be able to get through it since we're open with each other.

[Feonixbrimstone]

Firstly you are overreacting just little now i think if you find these kinds of things then yes you have a right to wonder why but think about it from her perspective. what if you had a 2 year relationship someone you really connected with for instance with her. would you just delete every thing pertaining to that the instant you get a new girlfriend?

if you arent a hearless SoB then i'd say its pretty safe to say no you wouldnt. Give her time ask her about him nonchalantly if she really felt like they loved each other. and i suggest you ask her about them anyway because its going to eat at you and make you wonder and suspect. these kind of secrets hiding them in teh first place and then hiding the fact that you found them out that can really F up a relationship even one such as this.

[Lipp]

So... Where to start.
It all started 2.5 years ago. I met a wonderful girl online. Her name is Susy (for privacy sakes). We hit it off, we were having a grand ole' time. About a month after chatting with her online, she informs me she now has a boyfriend online. Let's call him Larry. Now, within that month of talking to her online, I became fond of her, so obviously when she told me she had a boyfriend now, I was crushed, but life goes on. Fast forward to about 5 months ago, I see her online and casually talk to her. She tells me that Larry broke up with her a couple months ago (which makes their relationship about 2 years long). Now, since they had an online relationship, they only met once in real life. She informs me that they only kissed when they met, which was about 1.5 years into the relationship. I believe her. We start talking frequently again, and eventually, we meet up since we don't live too far away from each other. We both are madly in love with each other and decide to date in real life. At the beginning of our relationship, and up until recently, I thought nothing of her past relationship with Larry. That is, until one day I see her check her e-mail. One of her inboxes is named "Me and Larry." This is when everything went downhill... I got curious as to what was in the inbox. I couldn't help but wonder why she saved all their emails. I still wonder about it. I am ashamed to admit it, and I know I'm a horrible, horrible boyfriend for doing so, but one way or another... I invaded her privacy and looked at the inbox. There would be things you expect in the inbox, love letters, erotic pictures, videos... etc. Everything that pertained to them. It's really getting to me now. I can't stop thinking about any of it. I knew she sent these things to him before we even started dating, and I don't even think it's the material in it that bothers me... it's the fact that she still keeps it, even months and months after the break up and she while she has a new boyfriend. Normally, we are open these types of things and discuss them, but I can't in this situation because I invaded her privacy like a dumbass. She would dump me if she knew I did such a stupid thing. I really do love her more than anything... and I don't want this to get in the way. I would take any advice at all... any! Before you answer, I know I'm a horrible boyfriend... thanks!

It's amusing to see what it's coming to be. Get real, literally.

[loveandlaughter]

It's amusing to see what it's coming to be. Get real, literally.

I don't get what you mean... I am having a real life relationship? I met her online, but that's it. I'm dating her in real life. Explain yourself please.

[pocoyo]

My boyfriend has all his old love letters from his ex girlfriends. I have read them. He has all his pictures of him and his gfs too. They are not hidden from me, he has them in a drawer in his room. They are part of his past. Part of who he is and was and how he has gotten to who he is now. They are positive words to him. It doesn't mean he is not over them or he wants those girls back. It was hard for me to look at them at first but I know he is with me and doesn't want those girls. I don't think that you should have to destry memories from your past just because you are in a new relationship. They probably mean nothing to her hun. Don't worry yourself about it. :-D

x

[Bumble_bee]

its like keeping a trophy/medal or something.....

[I Found Him]

If you're sure that it's going to come out sometime down the line, isn't it better you do it and get it over with now? Why prolong the agony?Plus she'll be angrier in a year if she knows you've kept this from her for so long. In her mind she'll be imagining your months of agony and it'll be torture for her.

You cannot live your life just settling for stuff that makes you unhappy. You will end up resenting her and yourself.

I can see other people's points about why one would keep this stuff, I just really don't think it's necessary. Ok, maybe a sentimental letter or keepsake from a happy memory but definitely not sexual emails or photos. There should be no need.

And, ok she might see the online thing as a relationship but the fact of the matter is, it wasn't. At best they were penpals that got each other off.