Need advice on difficult breakup

[KatieKitten]

I'm coming out of a most difficult and painful breakup of a 3 year relationship. I want to add it's a long distance relationship, but for 3 years we were so emotionally close - spiritually, emotionally as well as physically. (Although seeing each other infrequently was the most difficult part, when we couldn't be together in person, we'd speak on the phone nearly every night, email and chat online each day). We had always felt we were soulmates. We loved each other so much. Well, I loved him at least - he's always claimed to feel the same, but looking back now, I highly doubt it.

I'd like to blame the distance for our breakup, but it doesn't make it easier to take. He recently met a lady whom he'd had a casual fling with, telling me it was only a one night stand, but still she was a special lady - although she was independent and wanted nothing more than that one night together. But after their night together, he'd been so indifferent towards me. Avoiding me, making me feel lucky that he even talks to me. And verbally abusive as well. He told me he suddenly had mixed emotions, and wanted something more casual from me, and couldn't do the "sweeping love scenes" anymore. He tells me he still loves me, though "not as intensely" and would love for us to get "back to good", but he knows it would be unfair to me because his feelings aren't as strong as they were. Heaven help me, I loved him so much - and after 3 years of all we've shared, I feel so empty.

It hurts so much because only a few months ago he was telling me how he's love me "forever and always", his "true soul mate".

He says he knows he's crazy for "letting me go", but he can't be what I want. He tells me he still has feelings for me and will always love me, "Though not in the way you want me to".

So what now? I still love him and miss the way we were. Yet I know, because of the distance and his nature, he can't be faithful. he's even admitted he'd f*uck any woman who offered. I told him I'd still like to be friends, but it's getting more impossible, because it hurts each time we talk.

Any advice and insight will be much appreciated.

[Hoss]

I read in a magazine that a man was cheating on his g/f. it was posted to get some advice for that situation. In reply was put at "if he is getting some from the side, either there is a problem in the reationship or he is not serious about the one u have." I have to agree with this posting. u can try to deal with it like this, and if u do I hope u get the answer u were looking for.

[IceQueen]

What now? Now you stop talking to him altogether (this is important if you ever want to get over him), and find someone who doesn't betray you. Forget about mending a relationships with him. Obviously he is not trustworthy. If you *really* feel your partner is your soulmate, you don't go and **** around like he did. To me it's a dealbreaker.

[KatieKitten]

Ok...now here's the more complex question: How do I get this man "out of my system" and forget him completely and get over the pain? Because everything - and I do mean everything - reminds me of our 3 years together. Every CD I own, all my music was full of "our songs".....I can't even play my record collection without a bitter and hurtful reminder. He's in every corner of my memory. How do I get over him.........

This is so painful after sharing my life - my heart and soul - with him for 3 years.

[IceQueen]

Ok...now here's the more complex question: How do I get this man "out of my system" and forget him completely and get over the pain? Because everything - and I do mean everything - reminds me of our 3 years together. Every CD I own, all my music was full of "our songs".....I can't even play my record collection without a bitter and hurtful reminder. He's in every corner of my memory. How do I get over him.........

I'm posting this left and right, but this really helps, so here you go.
1) You stop all contact with him (no letters, no calls, no e-mail no nothing), and tell your friends not to bring him up (do not keep tabs on what he is doing);
2) Get rid of everything he gave you as a present, and do not keep his pictures;
3) Wear a rubber band on your wrist, and snap it every time the thought of him begins to cross your mind (it's important)
4) Do the things you love doing but he does not like you doing (purple nailpolish and chickflicks come to mind)
5) Compile a list of all things that you did not like about him in particular and that relationship in general.

This is so painful after sharing my life - my heart and soul - with him for 3 years.

It's fine. The pain will go away with time. Just be happy you are not wasting another 3 years of your life on the cheatin' bastard.

[shafkore]

Katie, I know your pain. I really do. I have been (and am still going through) the same thing.


First let me start off by saying two things:
1) Love hurts
2) Men can be blind and stupid

I know at first, when you see what he is doing now, it tears you up. It eats away at your soul. It makes you unable to think... only feel pain.

You have to understand something as well and try to believe it:
He is in as much pain as you are.

The 'flings' he is having with women .... they are only cheap fixes to soothe his pain of unloving you.

I made his same mistake once. I regret it till this day, but you must realize, I would not regret it now unless I had done it.

He is only human. You are only human. I am only human. We live and learn through our experiences. It makes me want to cry when I think off all the sins I have committed since my break-up. The only thing that makes me feel better is how much I have LEARNED from them. I was blind and foolish then. From this I have learned how much I truly have loved this girl and STILL do.

You CAN'T stop loving him. No matter what ANYONE says. The 'tips & tricks' only push the love down and down, and then you become COLD and BITTER. You become a monster. Eventually all that love that you kept pushing down and down comes right back UP. It explodes, and when it does, it is blinding, and you just cry, and cry, and cry. You weep, and then you begin to realize how important they were/are to you NO MATTER how much you try to FOOL yourself.

The pain is something you have to deal with. I don't know if times will ever heal it. Maybe you will always have a spot for them in your heart. Maybe the time will heal your pain..

Maybe down the road he may realize how important you are to him, and he will come begging back. Then will have to decide if you want him back...

Unfortunately I have to leave right now. I will hopefully finish this post when I come back from work.

Your brother,

[KatieKitten]

Thanks so much for the insight and advice. Actually I suppose there's more I neglected to say. Kevin has had a string of broken relationships prior to me. Women have mistreated his love and he's been dumped and left emotionally devoid time after time. He's often told me in the past that he will screw up everything good in his life. And he's had a drinking problem ever since his first girlfriend, about 8 years ago left him high and dry. But then I came along with my tender and unconditional love, patience and understanding - thinking I could change all that and turn his bitterness towards love and romance into a happily ever after. For a time it seemed I had. He seemed so happy with me, told me how much he needed me and loved me. But the unfaithfullness manifested itself, and the rest is history. Recently he's described himself as a 'male slut' and a good friend of his called him a 'Mac Daddy'. Forgive my naivity and ignoranc, but i wasn't even sure I knew the defination of the word. He also flaunts the woman he's slept with and all her attributes in my face, and tells me how wonderful she is. Yet he admits she only wanted a one night stand and doesn't even want to see him again, although she emails him a friendly hello once a week. Then he boldly told me that he would never go back to the way it was with me, and he does not regret what he had with the woman in question. His attitude is like I should consider myself lucky he talks to me and will be my friend!

All this aside, he's put me through hell and back...and I know if I ever went back to the way it was, I'd be letting myself in for more heartbreak down the road.

[IceQueen]

I know if I ever went back to the way it was, I'd be letting myself in for more haertbreak down the road.

You are right, Katie. A cheater, a perpetual victim and a drinker who treats you like shit? I believe you can do better.

[leight69]

But then I came along with my tender and unconditional love, patience and understanding - thinking I could change all that and turn his bitterness towards love and romance into a happily ever after.

Something I've learned, is you cannot change somebody. You can support someone but you cannot change them. Change comes from within. I've never met a person who's been able to change their partner, support them yes. But change someone no.

You also know that if you go back you'll be heartbroken again. Glad to hear you recognize that. It's an important step.

Give yourself time, concentrate on yourself. Keep him out of sight and out of mind.

You'll do fine, no worries

[shafkore]

From the new information, I do now agree with Queenie, and yes, I also agree with Leight. Stay away from him now, he seems only to be destructive towards you. ex. taunting you of the women he has had sex with. Someone who truly loved someone would not do something like that. However, fear can make people do things they would never have pictured themselves doing in a million years.

But I have a sneaking suspicion, that somewhere's down the road, he will be back, and he will want you as a lover again. I say, prepare yourself for that day. Know what your answer is going to be, and make sure you are confident in it.

From what you have explained in your last letter, it seems as though you truly feel that the relationship (if you two were back together) would be more pain than pleasure. If that is the case, it was never meant to be.

You always have friends here,