Marriage Proposal Disaster

[danyboy]

Please bear with me, this is a long story. I've tried to condense it as much as I can, but didn't want to leave out important information. It also helps me to write out what happened.

To be very brief I just want some feedback and opinions on:
1. Is she stable enough for marriage?
2. Is there something wrong with what I did?
3. Am I being taken for granted?
4. General opinion about the situation.
*What are your thoughts? At this point I'm just too embarrassed to tell my family or friends how she took the proposal in that she was mad, sad, and disappointed that it happened. In our relationship she always freaks out and seems to criticize everything I do and the way that I do it. I do my best to be loving, caring and supportive of everything that she does, even though she is very critical of herself. It seems like I protect myself and herself from her negative thoughts and demands of perfection. I feel like I'm going to be married to someone who is chronically unstable and unsatisfied.


Background:
Me and my girlfriend/fiance have been dating for about 6 years or so, but a bulk of that has been long distance. We started the relationship while we were both undergrad students, but were separated when I moved off to graduate school. As I was graduating and she was entering graduate school we reunited and started our relationship again. I visit her regularly and have talked on the phone every single day when we are apart (I made a point of it). She used to be emotional and illogical at times, but usually when she was under stress (a final) or when she was PMSing. Now it seems that I am not really sure what to expect from her when I do anything; from buying a gift to taking her to dinner.

Anyway, I have been planning on proposing to her for more than a year now, but I just wanted to make sure I was financially secure and could provide a foundation for our future life. She is graduating this year and will be moving in with me in our new place. She always brings up that we're not married and that all of her friends are and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, ect.


Proposal:
In the last few months I talked with her best friend about finding out what her ring size was. She set up a sting operation and found out. I shopped for the ring for months and found the perfect one, with her birthstone, which is what she told both me and her best friend that she wanted. It had a return policy so we could return it if she didn't like it, while making sure that she knew that I wouldn't be offended if we shopped for a ring together and returned the one I got. So, come this past weekend. It was her birthday and I came in town to propose and celebrate her birthday. I planned a massage because she always talks about wanting one and took her to her favorite restaurant. I initially planned on proposing at the restaurant and putting the ring on a make roll to surprise her.

At the restaurant I just chickened out and got nervous so I thought that I would wait until we got home. So we get home and I'm still nervous, our pet (dog and ferret) are running around a freaking out and I kept asking her to talk. Finanlly we quieted everything down and I pulled out the ring and asked. I didn't get on a knee cause I was nervous and felt akward. When I show her the ring she tenses up and just starts crying. She didn't even look at the ring or me. She continues to stand there and start crying not saying a word while I stand there puzzled. She then lays on the bed and starts crying some more. Then she says "what do you mean?" or something on those lines, like what is this all about we never talked about this, why are you doing this ect. At that point I was just speechless. We had talked about marriage almost regularly, or really, she had talked about us getting married and living together forever.

Finally I lay down beside her and tell her how much I lover her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, things I wanted to say during the proposal, but was just plain too nervous and scared. Then I asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, kinda sorta. She looked at the ring and had me put it on and it looked amazing.

Then, she calls her mom to tell her and her mom was really excited cause she has been expecting this for some time (as have all of her friends and my family [it was not that shocking]). So her mom asks why she doesn't sound or seem happy. She says that she is scared and never thought she would get married. Her mom wanted a picture of the ring right away so we sent a camera phone pic. She didn't even call her best friend and I was hoping to go to dinner with them and celebrate, which I thought would be quite "normal." In the end I pushed her to call her best friend so we could take them out cause her friend got her a gift and had been in on the whole thing. She relented and we went out (this has been her closest friend for the last 4 years and we weren't going to see her and her husband for a long time [possibly forever]).


The Ring:
The ring is a little big so we decide to get it resized and try to do it as soon as possible, all while she says that she's glad that she does't have to wear it to school so that everyone will know. Also, after saying how pretty the ring was and how perfect it is (I really searched hard for the perfect ring) she finds a couple spots that look discolored and says that its tarnished and want to get the ring "checked out." It's made of 14k white gold and stamped with it on the inside of the ring. While we are on the way to the jeweler she also talks about how she deserves a $5000 ring and all that and wants a big rock and wants a quality ring that lasts (pretty much treating my beautiful ring like shit) and says that I should have paid more for a ring that's supposed to last. Anyway, we go to resize the ring and discuss its quality. We went to two jewelers both of whom were really enamored by the ring and kept asking where I got it from and how beautiful it is. She asked if it was real peridot (an inexpensive gem to which the first jeweler confirmed, but didn't ask about the our medium sized diamonds that flank it). She couldn't find the spots on the ring at either jewelers and they both keep saying how beautiful it is and how lucky she is ect. Unfortunately it took two jewelers to not call the ring a piece of crap and give it the appreciation it deserves.


Dinner with Best friend:
Before we go to dinner she is upset that anyone knows about the proposal, even her best friend and doesn't want me to bring it up at all. Which is ridiculous cause they know about it. So at dinner its asked and she says OMG I can't believe it I was so embarrassed and she talks about how she always said that she was never going to get married and then described the conversation with her mom and her "not sounding happy" and said that she wasn't. I was pretty embarrassed at how she was talking about it so flippantly. She also said that she's way too young to get married (28) and that she wasn't going to get married until she was at least 35 (cause "that a big commitment).

On the way back home I asked her if she meant that she didn't want to get married until she was 35 and if so why would she accept my proposal. She then starts ranting about she is really upset at the fact that I didn't get on one knee. Huh? I apologized and said that I was nervous and had been planning it for sometime. After this I said (in a very calm and logical way) that if she didn't want to get married then she could just say no to the proposal and we would still be together and that I would still love her. I then talked about returning the ring and just saying that we can wait until she's ready. Of course she freaks out crying and saying no, no, no, don't do it. I already told my mom and friends and I just said don't tell them. Again her first reaction was "what will people think?", but then goes on to say that we can never go back now ect. I disagreed and said that nothing changed and my dad had to propose to my mom twice cause she wasn't ready the first time and they've been married for over 30 years. She still pleads for me to just let it be and stay engaged.


NOW:
I thought we had gone through everything and that she wanted to be engaged and had a talk with her friends about it and concluded that she was just really scared about marriage because her mom never married her dad and divorce was the biggest fear of her life; so scary that she would never risk failure, hence never getting married. I can understand where she's coming from to a certain extent, but if she doesn't believe in marriage and is constantly looking for perfection we are destined to fail.

She also just sent me an email about how hurt she is that I didn't get on one knee ect.: "I'm sorry to bring this up again but I still feel really hurt by your proposal, and
I can imagine that you feel a bit hurt by my response.
I feel like you've put more thought into picking out speakers for the livingroom
than the marriage proposal. I mean...you always research everything and I just
feel like the whole thing was so casual.
I wanted to talk with you b/c I don't want this to be an issue in the future for us.
I don't want you to feel like I'm blaming you for something I just feel like you need
to understand how I'm feeling lately.
I love you very much."


This is upsetting in that:
1. It is a sign that she is completely unstable and incapable of a life-long commitment.
2. She doesn't appreciate the fact that I tried to plan a great day for us doing what she had been talking about for months (massage, sushi, spend time together).
3. I don't feel that she appreciates all or any of the thought and work I put into getting the perfect ring.
4. That she thinks the form of the proposal matters more than the function: I've formally and publicly shown my love and life-long commitment to her and put myself on the line.
5. She is probably going to be a naggy wife.


*What are your thoughts? At this point I'm just too embarrassed to tell my family or friends how she took the proposal in that she was mad, sad, and disappointed that it happened. In our relationship she always freaks out and seems to criticize everything I do and the way that I do it. I do my best to be loving, caring and supportive of everything that she does, even though she is very critical of herself. It seems like I protect myself and herself from her negative thoughts and demands of perfection. I feel like I'm going to be married to someone who is chronically unstable and unsatisfied.

[misombra]

it's good you didn't spend 5 grand on the ring cause you'll need to save up for the divorce.

[danyboy]

I was thinking about just staying engaged forever. In our professional worlds saying that we have a "friend" rather than spouse or at least fiance is embarrassing.

[carl1222]

Her objection to your manner of proposal is a red-herring to cover her bizarre reaction. What do you think is the real reason she is so embarrassed to have people know you are engaged and put the ring through an the off-the-wall inspection?

Carl.

[optimistvik]

What should i say? I totally confused with the story.

[danyboy]

She says that it's because of her fear of failure. Her parents never even married and her worst fear was that she would fail by getting a divorce. She doesn't like attention or being put on the spot publicly, so that could be it.

I think that her objection to the manner of proposal is just something that she's grabbing onto to keep the doubts going and give me crap. I have a very good memory and she admits that she doesn't. I reminded her of exactly what happened when I proposed and how the manner had nothing to do with her reaction; she thought back and kinda agreed, now we're back to this latest email.

[danyboy]

She acted really weird about the proposal and now keeps talking about how her reaction and her current feelings all stem from me "not getting on one knee." Gut reaction is that she's full of it and just bringing things up to doubt the relationship and/or criticize me and get the attention off of her for her weird reaction.

[misombra]

danyboy. everybody sees your posts. no need to put it in different sections...

[Raze]

Sounds like a cold-hearted woman to me.

[Only-virgins]

I was thinking about just staying engaged forever. In our professional worlds saying that we have a "friend" rather than spouse or at least fiance is embarrassing.

lol that is weird. Yea, having friends sure is embarrassing.

[Cbrider]

In our relationship she always freaks out and seems to criticize everything I do and the way that I do it. I do my best to be loving, caring and supportive of everything that she does, even though she is very critical of herself. It seems like I protect myself and herself from her negative thoughts and demands of perfection. I feel like I'm going to be married to someone who is chronically unstable and unsatisfied.

Wow man, you need to wake the hell up, you didn't even make it through the first paragraph before obvious issues surfaced.

No one here should have to tell you that this is a bad deal from every angle, you already know that. I know that its good to get outside opinions, in fact those of complete strangers because they are unbias and straight to the point.

Yes, she is not ready for marriage, she may never be ready. It may be because the mold she grew up in didn't put marriage fourth as an important event.

Complaining about the ring on your way to the jeweler? Really? There's a reason why cars come with automatic locks, so you can take the ring, tell her to get out and drive off.

Grow a pair man, you have been in this for 6 years and there's no light on the horizon. You may love her, but from everything you have said, is not right for you in any way shape or form.

[Raze]

I don't think he loves her, really. Good thing too. Move on because you kind of made a mistake IMHO.

[Mish]

Frankly, she didn't seem very interested in the proposal or in being married to you so I think you might need to call the whole thing off

I found that people who are critical and demand perfection in general are just insecure individuals who can't handle failure. They are terrified of something going wrong because they know they won't be able to cope. I would have some serious second thoughts about spending my life with someone like that.

[IndiReloaded]

Frankly, she didn't seem very interested in the proposal or in being married to you so I think you might need to call the whole thing off

I found that people who are critical and demand perfection in general are just insecure individuals who can't handle failure. They are terrified of something going wrong because they know they won't be able to cope. I would have some serious second thoughts about spending my life with someone like that.

I agree with Mishs post.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Clearly she has issues. Think very hard about why you really want to marry this gal. I promise you, there are much kinder, loving women out there who will love you for who you are and all you have to offer.

BTW, this:

While we are on the way to the jeweler she also talks about how she deserves a $5000 ring and all that and wants a big rock and wants a quality ring that lasts (pretty much treating my beautiful ring like shit) and says that I should have paid more for a ring that's supposed to last.

Was just horrible. Why would you want to marry someone who would treat you like this? Are your love and feelings worth less than $5000?

Apparently, to this woman, they are.

[Liza]

I really think that she is not appreciating your efforts to give her what she has wanted... Many years ago, I use to be like your girlfriend with my ex... I didn't learn my lesson until he dumped me... You have to let her go; otherwise, she will never understand that she has a very good man.
-Not unitil my ex left me, I was able to appreciate other relationships...I really don't thin her past is an issue... for me it was my dumb insecurities, I was afraid...I'm sorry, but she is not going to learn her lesson till you leave her... and when you do, mae sure you explain your reasons.