My husband's complaints about his body are driving me nuts! What do I do?

[cancankant]

My husband & I have a good relationship, but there is one habit he has that drives me insane. He complains about his weight/physique. While he's not Matthew McConaughey or anything, he is in pretty good shape for an almost 40 yr old guy.

He has put on a few pounds over the past 6 months or so, and previous to that, he was rather slim (but never super buff with 6 pack abs). Even when he was thinner, he had a little belly that he was self conscious of. Year ago, I don't remember him having any body issues at all, and while he did start exercising to lose weight, he was more concerned about his health.

Right now, he's probably right about the size he was when we started dating 13 yrs ago, if not a little bit slimmer. At one point, about 7 yrs ago, he did lose a lot of weight (60 lbs) and kept it off for about 6 years. I know he's discouraged that he's gained some of that back, but at one point, his face looked very thin and gaunt and people actually thought he was getting sick.

I like that he exercises and desires to remain fairly healthy, but I loved him at 190 lbs and I loved him at 130 lbs. Now I love him at 160 lbs. I've told him this, and he actually accused me of lying to him when he was fat! He said that he can't trust me anymore on this issue, since I told him "he wasn't fat" when he was larger. I honestly didn't think he WAS fat, and I was no tiny size 2 at the time, either! When he starts in with the, "*Audible sigh*...I am so HUGE!" routine, I feel like a guy dealing with a girl saying, "My butt is SO BIG!!!" When I pay him a compliment, he doesn't accept it. He will comment back that "he used to look better" or something along those lines. It's the worst at the gym. I find it nearly impossible to work out with him because of the griping and I've asked him numerous times to stop it.

So what do I do? I've tried ignoring him (difficult to do & then I seem rude), sympathizing with him (falls on deaf ears), giving him suggestions/advice and the worst option -- getting mad about it & telling him to "figure it out"!

I know this is a self-esteem issue, and I've struggled with weight in the past, but I'm happy with my body now. I like to exercise & eat right, too, but after 10 yrs of marriage & 35 yrs of life, I'm not obsessed with being supermodel thin or magazine cover pretty. I honestly don't think that him losing a few pounds is unattainable or unrealistic but having a completely flat stomach probably is.

In the past I've encouraged him to possibly seek out the advice of other guys on this issue instead of me, since they'd have a better idea of what he'd have to do. He's never followed through with this, which leads me to believe that while he wants the result, he doesn't want to do the work. Therein lies the rub. I've suggested that he talk to a few guys who have his desired physique (via natural health forums, etc.) and see what they do to attain it. I know it's a heck of a lot of work, and not a whole lot of fun. He's no junk food junkie, but I know he enjoys a treat now & again, and that lifestyle doesn't really allow for it unless you're metabolically gifted!

How do I redirect his whining into something more productive or at least lessen its effect on me? I'm getting to the point where I don't like going to the gym with him, but he won't go without me and then will sit at home and complain that we don't work out!

[Raze]

If you love him, I don't understand what his problem. I think he has OCD. He can seek professional help for it.

[Spicy]

Have him read your post.

[Yggdrasil]

As you have already noticed, trying to ignore him, advizing him, supporting him or even getting mad at him, doesn't work.

This isn't your problem, it's his problem. Don't MAKE it yours.

This is something he has to deal with, by himself. Give him that freedom and space. If this is the only thing wrong with your relation, count your blessings.

In my opinion, that's not the only problem in this relation though. Seems like there are communication problems here, on both sides.

Maybe, you should focus on those?

[vashti]

Tell him you are growing bored of hearing it, and that his continuous whining is unattractive. He needs some tough love.

[cancankant]

Thanks for the replies. I've just started to basically ignore it again. It doesn't help to make any comments or really even acknowledge his complaints. It happened a couple of times over the weekend, and once I just said nicely, not exasperated or tensely, "Well, I like you, the inside you & the outside you." It sounds contrived, but it's not. Do I find muscular and lean guys attractive? Yes. But guess what? I also find "normal" and even "pudgy" guys attractive as well. I'm pretty forgiving when it comes to bodies. What matters most to me is that a person takes care of themselves on all levels.

As far as communication goes, I am working on it. One thing for me is to NOT take on other people's problems as my own and/or try to fix them.

Vashti - I 100% agree with you. I am BORED of it. Tired of the whining and yes, it does make him unattractive to me when he does it. It is exactly like a woman who is constantly asking, "Do I look fat in this? Does this make my butt look big? Are my thighs fat? Am I pretty? Do you think so? Blah, blah, blah." Unlike this sort of woman, he is not looking for validation, though. I'm not sure what he is trying to accomplish with his complaining, honestly. That's what makes it SO frustrating. Sometimes, even though it would be mean, I really want to say, "Yeah, you really HAVE put on weight, haven't you? God, you are seriously unattractive." But that isn't the truth to me.

I think that if he was hanging out with a friend & working out, he wouldn't do it. Because any dude would say, "STFU, bro and just work out."

[Gigabitch]

Oh, what a pain in the ass. Tell him, "I'm not listening to this" and leave the room.

[German_coco]

lol giga. I have to agree with what you said. you can only take some much, tell him that you really don't want to talk about it and just leave the room. He will get the message.