Help needed please...

[mjd]

Hi all. Your help on this issue would be greatly appreciated, and thanks to everyone who reads.

Im having real trouble with a “special friend”, who I used to be in a relationship with. She won’t get back with me but it is almost like we are together. (Kissing, cuddling etc). She is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Im going to start off from the beginning. I first met my partner when we were both young, about 19. We clicked instantly, and begin dating. We continued dating for three years, and things were really good. However unfortunately I experimented with drugs and became acutely unwell.

I completely lost my mind, and was put into a mental health hospital for around 4 months. During this time, my partner was extremely supportive. I lost my mind that badly, I thought I was gay. Im not however. I regret it now, but when I came out of hospital I finished my partner because of stress issues.
We diden’t see each other for a number of months, then we began seeing each other again as friends. Since coming out of hospital it took me about a year to regain my complete mental health. During that year I remained in touch with my former partner and we saw each other regularly.

After about a year of us splitting up, she met someone new. It dident work out between them though, and she seen me for support numerous times. They ended up splitting up, however they remain friends. There is still attraction between them though, and I know they still see each other and kiss and cuddle etc. As I have now completely regained my mental capacity I realise what a stupid mistake I had made finishing my partner. I love her with all my heart, and believe she is the love of my life. As I regained my mental health, things between myself and my former partner became more romantic.

Now when I see her, it is almost like Im in a relationship her because we tell each other we love one another, kiss cuddle and hold each other as though we are in love. I want to get back with her, she has suggested it numerous times but then said “I’ll think about it”. After she has thought about it she says we should be “just special friends”. Im unsure what to do? I love her with all my heart but don’t want to be messed about. I am jealous of her former partner, as I know they still kiss and he phones her up all the time. But she says she is just friends with the guy. But she is “just friends” with me, and there is still love between us.

It is as though she has two boyfriends, and I don’t want to be in that situation. I have fallen completely in love with her again. I don’t think I can stay just friends with her, as I know if another guy comes along she will go out with him. She has already dated another guy, whilst still seeing me and her former boyfriend. I tried finishing it with her completely, as I wasent happy with the way she is with her former boyfriend. But that only lasted a week then I came crawling back to her, saying im sorry I still want to be friends and im ok that your friends with that other guy.

I want to be more than just special friends. I love her to bits. I do not know what to do about the situation. Please help as my heart is breaking all the time. I don’t know whether to just leave her, and grieve. But that would mean letting the love of my life slip through my fingers. I know she still loves me, as she gets in contact frequently and we meet up. And I can tell by the way we are together that we are in love. I also get this pain in my chest from time to time when I think about it.

Please leave a response. Thanks for reading, Mike.

[Paro]

You are in a terrible situation, so you are completely justified in being so upset. So now you have to get out of this situation. You have to do this; do not remain in this strange love triangle.

1. Give her an ultimatum: either you guys are a couple, or you need to stop hanging out completely. You want to be more than friends with her, tell her that you want to be her boyfriend and you're not settling for this stupid "special friends" consolation prize. You've been through a lot together, maybe you guys could get back together and get some couples' counseling to make it work, to come to terms with the heavy stuff you've been through. But tell her that you're serious about making you guys work as a couple, and do not settle for anything less.
2. If she agrees to try to make it work, good for you guys. Tell her she can no longer be "special friends" with her ex. She can be friends with him, but cuddling and kissing is not cool.
3. If she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, then just let her go. It will be rough, but if you "give her more time" or decide that anything with her is better than nothing, even if it is your crappy "special friends" relationship, then you're just prolonging this agony. Let her go, grieve, go out to the movies, go hiking, get a dog, do whatever you need to do to get over her. After some time has gone by, you may be able to salvage a friendship with her, since she is such an important person to you, but until you are completely over her, you need to not have any contact with her if she's not going to be your girlfriend.

[little pingoin]

It sounds like you already gave her the ultimatum by telling her you couldn't see her while she was seeing the other guy. The only thing you did wrong there was go back to her. She's using you, and that isn't going to change so long as you allow it to happen.

[mjd]

Thanks for the replies guys. I think im going to not see her for a while, its going to be hard but its what I have to do. That way if i get over her, I can become real friends but nothing more with her.