A Very Serious Request For Intervention Here !!!

[SCORPIO]

Never thought I'd do this, but in a serious attempt to help a friend whom I feel is about to make the biggest mistake of her life, here goes.


Debbie is a dear friend in a her late 40's. She's attractive, fit, smart etc etc. She lives in Boston with her 2 children. An 18 year daughter who's heading off to college in 4 weeks and a son in high school entering his senior year. She also lives with her jerk husband whom she hasn't slepted with in over 8 years, literally or sexually. Yes, she stays in the house for the kids. The husband is a total BLANK BLANK. He has money and uses that money as leverage to keep his 2 children in his corner. Debbie has very little money and doesn't make much on her job. The husband has made threats to blow up the house if she ever files for divorce ( just hot air, but she thinks he's serious ). The kids like Dad only because he has the money and buys the toys they like and is going to pay for the college tuition. He has physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused all of them including Debbie the wife. He has even thrown the daughter against the wall and verbally threatened her. He uses the kids against her all the time and she has to go behind him to constantly clarify the crap he pulls to hurt her. This has gone on for many many years. She lives upstairs and he lives downstairs and they see each other as little as possible.

She has stayed with the AZZ for over 20 years because she made a vow to sell her soul for her kids whom she dearly loves. She will and has done everything for these kids and they love her. She doesn't tell the kids the crap he has done to her in the last 20 years. Her husband is building debt to stick it too her once she decides to divorce him after the son graduates high school in a year, if the jerk doesn't file first. Trust me, she doesn't like this guy as he is a tyrannt who throws around his power as Mr. Money Bags. She's scared of him and never wants to reconcile with him. He plays nice sometimes when he wants something then flips his wigs the next day.

Long story short, her kids are very smart and are sure to do well in life as they have excelled in high school. Last week, the husband, Joe, told Debbie, he pays all the bills and gives her money and he is tired of masturbating in bed alone for the last 9 to 10 years. Basically, he wants sex, not love from her or he will possibly not pay for college thereby hurting the kids, take away the toys, the son at home will definitely suffer emotional distress which will manifest with the grades dropping like a rock. Joe knows this and Debbie is scared to death. she will do anything for her kids to insure that they will continue to have a stable life, which really isn't stable in my opinion. Lastnight she informed me of his demands and she cried hysterically. She feels absolutely nothing for him and is terrified. She has already stated to me that this is going to ruin her emotionally but she is going to do it for the kids so they won't suffer. She is purely petrified of having to lay there numb while he does his business.

I alone with others have told her not to do it. I've informed her that she needs to contact the police and contact an attorney. We've all told her it's best to just tell the kids now and they will be have the resolve to deal with this. If they choose to go with dad if she says no, then I say so be it. There is always another way and I'm just trying to do what i can her to help. She is going to lay there and let this guy inside of her and she doesn't know where his BLANK has been for the last 9 years. Once he gets her to submit to sex and use that as leverage, I told her he will have her doing everything he wants if she wants to keep the kids in there current state of happines. She thinks this will only last for 1 year until her youngest graduates from high school. I told her it's going to be a minimum of 5 years. He will keep her in check until the youngest graduares from college. This makes me sick to me stomach. I can go on and on, but I told her to never, ever, allow a man to put himself inside of you unless he has a gun to your head. She's saying she must do it for her kids. She crys like you wouldn't believe as she is so fearful. This is a smart strong woman and I can't seem to get through to her. I know all about doing things for the kids, but this isn't one of them. There are many ways out of this, I can list them, but i want her to hear it from you.

I will let her read your replies in hopes of getting her to change her mind. Sorry for the long post. Please share and help and yes, be very blunt if you have to as she needs to hear it straight. She's a very good woman by the way.

[Doc Durian]

She's weak and behaving like a weak example for her kids.

She needs to grow a set and walk away. She can always rebuild. Her kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

I have no pity for her situation. She has options.

[Raze]

If she needs an intervention, why the hell is she not posting on this site? She sold her soul to her kids? This girl is weird. No offense. Would that make her kids the devil then? I'm confused.

[SCORPIO]

She is not weird. Read first.

"If she needs an intervention, why the hell is she not posting on this site?", that's symantics, she doesn't know about this sight, this was my idea. I'm trying to help her as I stated above.

It's a figure of speech, she sold her soul for her kids, not to her kids !!!! . She's simply saying she will do what she has to do to keep her kids happy even if it means sacrificing herself. This is how she feels.

[bluesummer]

I don't know what to say, it sounds like she's worried about her husband pulling the plug financially on his children. I don't think he'd do it, and if he did, there's a little thing called child-support, not to mention alimony.

She's setting a poor example for her kids. Son is going to grow up thinking women can be controlled, and daughter is going to end up being a victim to some man. If she truly cared about her kids, she'd get the **** out. That would be the ultimate sacrifice. Put it to her that way. She's doing more damage to them (and to herself!) by staying instead of leaving. Maybe that will have an effect.

[SCORPIO]

I hear you and I agree 100%, she is more concerned about their emotional well being as one enters college and the other becomes a junior in high school. But the problem is this, if she files for divorce, guess what, the kids would choose him over her even though they love her more. You see he has the money and the toys and they would go with him. Crazy, but this is the case. They are looking out for themselves in the long run. I have met her kids, they are great kids, but their decision shocks me. She is an excellent mother in every aspect of the word.

I have told her that if the kids chose him over her, then why is she staying to protect them? They wouldn't back her up if it came down to going with him or her in a split. And if she files for divorce, he is sinking himself in debt slowly and hiding his money so she will have half the debt if they split. He is cuning and smart, you know the type.

BTW, if the kids went with her, oh yes he would pull all support from them. This guy is a tyrant. There's no telling what he will do and she is scared to death.

Thank you all for your input. If this gets to a second page, I'm going to let her see this for herself. Maybe hearing it from total strangers who agree, maybe she will wise up to this guy and make a move. Thanks again everyone.

[bluesummer]

Well then he's a monster and the kids are going to have to bear the brunt of their materialism. They've said they would choose money over their mother, well then let them learn from their own mistakes. She can't keep protecting them from everything. They're practically adults, it's time they faced reality and realized that money isn't go to buy them happiness in the long run.

I still think she should cut and run. Kids will be on her doorstep shortly after, when they finally realize what a manipulating dickwad their father really is.

[SCORPIO]

I agree, but the kids didn't actually say it, but she already knows they will. What she can't get through her head is that she is going to have to fight this out in court. If she doesn't give in to his demands, she knows he will take it out on her kids and they will suffer. Hey, such is life, I went through a divorce and fully recovered. She is so full of fear. I think with the replies I'm getting, when I let her read this she is going to see the light. I hate to beg for replies, but it is going to mean alot when she reads this. Thanks again everyone

[bluesummer]

Yeah, I went through a divorce too, and fully recovered. The hardest part is the first step - LEAVING. The rest is a little easier.

If she loves her kids that much it's time to grow a pair and lose the fear. FIGHT for the kids, fight for their happiness. Happiness isn't having daddy pay for your college tuition whilst emotionally absuing you and your mother. Does she really think the kids are completely oblivious to their parents relationship? As the child of divorced parents, I didn't know everything that was going on behind the scenes, but I knew something was definitely wrong....my parents relationship was never like everyone else's. It started me off on the wrong foot when it came to relationships since I'd had such a poor example of what a marriage is supposed to look like. Bottom line, I can't say it enough times, she is hurting her kids by staying. That is all. If that's not enough to get her out, I don't know what else to say.

[IndiReloaded]

A lot of women choose to suck up unhappy marriages 'for the sake of the kids'. Men too.

But the physical abuse is something intolerable. Especially to her kids. Were police involved? Why not? She needs this stuff documented for the divorce.

Like Doc said, this gal has options. But she is weak. People stay in unhealthy relationships b/c they get *something* from them. In her case, sounds like financial security (sort of). If you hadn't mentioned the fact this guy has physically abused her & his daughter, I would have simply said this women has given the guy a bad deal. I mean, really, he IS paying for everything & she is a financial parasite.

So, perhaps she should find a job so she can start becoming independent? Sounds like once the kids are gone, she will need to do this anyway. If she doesn't file for divorce, he probably will.

[Raze]

A lot of women choose to suck up unhappy marriages 'for the sake of the kids'. Men too.

But the physical abuse is something intolerable. Especially to her kids. Were police involved? Why not? She needs this stuff documented for the divorce.

Like Doc said, this gal has options. But she is weak. People stay in unhealthy relationships b/c they get *something* from them. In her case, sounds like financial security (sort of). If you hadn't mentioned the fact this guy has physically abused her & his daughter, I would have simply said this women has given the guy a bad deal. I mean, really, he IS paying for everything & she is a financial parasite.

So, perhaps she should find a job so she can start becoming independent? Sounds like once the kids are gone, she will need to do this anyway. If she doesn't file for divorce, he probably will.

Sadly, I think that's what my parents have done. They fight A LOT!

[SCORPIO]

He has never hit her, just verbal and emotional games and playing games with the kids heads and making them feel that all of the problems are because of mom.

He pushed or grabbed the oldest kid but never hit her per se. He's an emotional tyrant that they all walk a thin line around.

Yes, I told her the same thing, police should always be called, but again, she fears this guy after the fact. He can be a prince one day and a jackel the next minute.

She has a job, but everything is in his name, cars, home everything.

I told her to act now or she is going to get screwed over big time and be in serious debt. She will have no life once the kids are gone. I say file for divorce, receive seperate maint payments until the divorce is final. If she waits, they will be deeper in debt and she stands to walk away with even less.

I hope others can share their opinions as well cause I'm going to show her this next week. She really is an exceptional person and I just don't understand why she can't see what we all see.

Thanks again.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay. So he's not really physically abusive. Emotionally, perhaps.

Tho, one might say this guy has cause to be bitter. He's been the primary breadwinner for their marriage, sound like, and what is it that his wife does for him? Not sex, sounds like.

If the tables were turned (he was a lazy bum) and she was bringing the bacon, I'd bet she'd have dumped him long before this.

To me, she sounds weak. He sound angry, not without reason, sounds like. Nine years w/o sex? WTF? Or, in their case WT(no)F.

Nothing happens in a vacuum, Scorp. People in these types of situations generally both get what they deserve. But, that said, I agree with you: they should get a divorce. End their mutual misery. I doubt they are interested in reconciling, based on your posts.

BTW, as for the property being in his name, that doesn't matter. It will all get split at the divorce, including their debt, yes.

[SCORPIO]

My friend, you and I think alike and are on the same page. I'm not going to shoot her down because I care about her dearly, but she needs to get past the fear and anything else that's holding her back. I spoke with her again and she laments her concern for the well being of the kids. She vowed many years ago to do what is best for them even if it means sacrificing herself. I told her that's all fine and dandy on paper, but the reality is this, the longer she waits to pull the plug, the worse it's going to be.

He has no reason to be bitter, he talked about her, called her a bitch, told her after the kids she needed plastic surgery and on and on and on. She responded by moving out of the bedroom, can you blame her? Now that his hot dog is stiff everynight and he's tired of squezzing it, he wants sex. Not love, just 5 minutes to do his business. No way, not in a million years would I let that happen.

[SCORPIO]

Will let her read this on Wednesday. Does anyone else want to dd a reply?Thanks again for your input.