BFs ex is seriously a sociopath

[kwoj]

So, you're basically saying everyone is a sociopath. Wow. And just so you know, before you refute what I'm saying I have an argument to back it up as well I just don't feel like typing it out. So, I wouldn't bother arguing with me unless you want me to write a 10+ pager on why you're wrong.

I'll give you the gist of it. Humans are selfish. We only care about our survival and reproduction on a biological level. And pretty much we'll do anything to do that, which is really sad. If we had emotions, don't you think we would realize how destructive we are to the Earth. I hate to be so depressing, but it's ultimately true. Absolutes like this bother the shit out of me.

I can't post the link where I got my info about the definition of a sociopath

I looked down the list and all I can see is her, the wifes, behavioral patterns. She may have her moments, but I have seen very little of her nice side. It's all been just about everything on this page.

[IndiReloaded]

Who cares about a definition? Are you going to get her assessed and her children taken away for unfitness?

You have a problem, which is HIM. What are you going to do about it?

[kwoj]

Indi, I don't know! I wrote him a letter, gave it to him last night. In it I said we needed to talk and I felt he needed to protect me from her, set some boundries, not let her wak all over us. I have talked to him on multiple occasions about her needing supervised visits. I was nice in the letter, he didn't respond to anything I said, he didn't try to talk to me about any of this. When shit hit the fan on Sunday, I said I was leaving to stay at a friends house, and he said go ahead. Nothing seems to be getting through to him. I talked to the oldest yesterday, she said all this started cause mom grilled them and grilled them till she got what she wanted, even if it was a lie. Theres a huge riff between her and the oldest, you can literally almost feel the hatred between them. Also nothing gets relayed to me about anything. I just found out I need to find a sitter for my son ASAP because the girls are going to thier moms for a week. Mom says it's next week, tells the kids its next week, but tells him it is later in the summer so I don't need to flip out just yet. I don't know what else to do.

I love him so much. When this crap isn't in our faces we have a great relationship. I look back at my failed marriage and I can see this difference in the love I felt for my ex to the love I feel for him. I know I sound like one of those women who is physically abused, but she loves him and won't leave him, and then bam he kills her.....

I told him Monday I was afraid of losing him, he said he's not going anywhere.

This morning, after giving him the letter last night, I comment on some chicken droppings in the garbage, and how it looked like doodoo.... he huffed and told me to stop. I was just making small talk

[IndiReloaded]

Are you financially independent of this guy? Can you bail quickly if you feel things are affecting your kids?

As for your comment about 'things great in your relationship except issues with her', you need to realize this IS your relationship. She isn't going away, ever. She is the mother of his kids. You need to decide if this aspect of your life w/him is something you can deal with or not.

If he isn't willing to communicate with you about the problem tho, I don't have much faith in your future together, sorry. You two need to be working on a strategy together. He's just shutting you out, and not dealing with things. Like I said before, this sounds like his personality. Is it worth it? Only you know. Plus, its not just you that is affected, its your kids as well. They need stability, not continued stress of your divorce and now this unhealthy environment.

If I were you, at this point, I would be thinking hard about finding a guy with less baggage who doesn't stonewall on important family issues. You know its possible, you said it yourself: you get along with YOUR ex.

[kwoj]

Yes I am financially independant, to an extent..

So basically, theres no amount of talking I could do to get him to fix this. Her and I tried and she lied and it turned into an argument.

[vashti]

She screwed up big time 2 weeks before school let out. We get home one night and theres been someone visiting facebook. Neither him nor I have a facebook, and when you login, it saves your details, we don't use email addresses that are provacative. She's 12, I do not believe she should be on a social networking site with a name like the one she was using. She lied about it, we caught her in that lie when we found out she had more than 1 facebook account. We do not allow the children on sites like that. This turned into a 2 hour lie-fest. She got grounded again, HE decided she would work at our neighbors farm shoveling poo or whatever they had for her to do. She went to her moms right away, has not "served" out her punishment. Moms mad shes grounded all the time. If she would act right this wouldn't happen.

I'm not trying to sound like a drill sergeant. I believe children should behave in a certain way, yea they will be kids and mishaps happen, but between March till now this year all she has done is lie to try to get out of things.

She has a therapist. He takes them both to her, the mom doesn't like it, says since this therapist knows everything the mom has done of course the therapist will side with him or the kids. She doesn't want the therapist to know why these things are happening.

We have tried other discipline ideas, nothing works.

Maybe what she needs is NOT more discipline, but more supervision. She's just a child.

You know, I have step-kids. I can tell you for sure that this arrangement you have is going no where good. You really should consider backing waaaaaaayyy off the discipline. Your kids WILL be adversely affected by it all, and your boyfriend DOES sound like a drill sargeant. I'm not sure if you are just pinning the blame on him, or if you are a partcipiant in it, but it will be YOUR kid(s) next.

BTW - the girl will probably stop lying if you quit giving her the opportunities to do so.

[kwoj]

I don't think you fully understand the level of crap this girl does. I never did anything close to what she's done at her age. She acts a lot older then she is, gets away with a lot at her moms, till it blows up in moms face and mom calls her a liar.
The make up lie involved friends and the principal for goodness sake!
Being grounded for the rest of the school year worked, instead of hanging with her friends and chatting on the phone and wearing make up, she did her work in her classes and brought her grades up, she even paid more attntion when she was at home doing her homework. She would lie about that too!

[IndiReloaded]

All Vash is saying is that, right now, this girl is pulling YOUR strings. You aren't getting the results you want, so time to try something different.

I think you should let daddy be the disciplinarian. You would be smart to be the 'easy going' stepmom. Not to tolerate her crap, you should point out to her, calmy, why there's a problem, but leave it to him to actually sort out. If you give an opinion, do it privately with him, not in front of her.

Treat her like a little adult, one you respect but understand she is going through tough times. Be her *friend*, not her parent, and I bet you'll see a BIG change in a few weeks. But you have to be consistent about this.

There's a lot to be said for the good/bad cop strategy. Anyway, YOU are the parent, she the child. You're supposed to be smarter than her and guide her where you want her to go. Preferably without her figuring out you are doing so. She's in a huge amount of emotional flux right now, it should be easy to manipulate her if you are smart about it.

[vashti]

It just makes me sad. This young girl has had her family ripped apart. Her mother is despicable, and her dad acts like she's in the military. To top it all off, she has both parents dragging new people (with new kids!) around in HER home, none of this with her consent. And BTW - she's supposed to be happy about it so the adults don't have to actually feel BAD for what they have done to her life. I would be furious and acting out, too. Icing on the cake is to have dad's new honey running around calling her a liar. Jeezus, have a heart. This girl didn't become a mess on her own.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I agree this gal DOES need solid parenting, but it has to be way more subtle (from kwoj). Its difficult enough to take a hard line with one's kids in a stable home at her age. My son is just entering a rebellious phase, challenging all sorts of things, so I have to 'choose my moment' for that kind of intervention. It must be near impossible without a stable home.

[kwoj]

It just makes me sad. This young girl has had her family ripped apart. Her mother is despicable, and her dad acts like she's in the military. To top it all off, she has both parents dragging new people (with new kids!) around in HER home, none of this with her consent. And BTW - she's supposed to be happy about it so the adults don't have to actually feel BAD for what they have done to her life. I would be furious and acting out, too. Icing on the cake is to have dad's new honey running around calling her a liar. Jeezus, have a heart. This girl didn't become a mess on her own.

It's not like that at all! Her mom left for another man, for like the 50th time, no one knows what to do about the behavior cause nothing works! Dad didn't drag me and my son into her life without her consent, we took things very slow. She's not an angel and this whole post was supposed to be about the mother. The mother's BS has rubbed off on her, and thats no one's fault but the mothers. I would hope to find a way to get past this, as none of the adults can figure it out, I would hope that if I came to a "relationship advice forum" that people would help and not put so much judgement into it. You have no idea what this woman has done to this man or her kids, shes the devil!

What else am I supposed to call her after last night? There was a phone call to the house, someone prank called, pretended to be her mom. I called, she acted funny, said mom called looking for dad, dad is at work, everyone knows that, why is mom calling the house looking for dad? She thought he had today off. Dad calls me, asks me if I called the house, I said yes and told him what was said... I get home. More about the funny prank call comes out. Mom said it must have been me. I asked her if she was sure her mom said that cause the woman had to check her own phone to make sure she didn't make any calls because she is loopy from pain meds. No, Mom really said it must have been you. I sent mom a text, mom calls the house, and then we get the truth about it all, at least we think? Mom never said it. Later that night, Dad, Mom and I had a chat. Mom and I are trying to get along, but the oldest is making it rough by pinning us against each other. NO ONE knows what to do about the lying, it is getting out of control, the therapist isn't helping and they are talking about behavior specialists!

The problem is, the girl is acting like her mother, no on knows what really is going on because neither one can tell the truth. The kids know why mom and dad are getting a divorce, it's cause she likes to sleep around, although mom states it's something totally different, and no where near any reason to cheat on a man non stop for 10 years with who knows how many men!

[IndiReloaded]

Continue on the path you are on and you will get where you are going.

What you are doing isn't working. So, you must try something else. Or get exactly where you don't want to go, per the old quote^.

I already told you 2 posts up what to do to change the dynamic. YOU are the adult, tho this girl has figured out your buttons well enough to push them. Are you smarter than the child, or not?

You need to step back and let dad take the active role in things. So far, you have set yourself up as 'bad cop', and are just shooting yourself in the foot. Why would you text the mom? I wouldn't; I would have let dad know there was a call/msg & he should deal with it.

You may not be the direct source of the problem, but you don't know how to defuse situations either. It requires some self-control on your part, to disengage from things, but I would strongly suggest you try. I'll post a link you can use to help. But remember: if you want a particular behaviour from this girl, you need to convince her why its a good thing for her. Otherwise, why should she listen to you?

Good luck.

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