BFs ex is seriously a sociopath

[true1]

sociopaths are those who have no sympathy or emotions. they don't have what makes them human

[true1]

my favorite quote: when you love, say not god is in my heart, but i am in the heart of god

[IndiReloaded]

She moved out in Oct 06, she'd had the same bf she has now for months before that. They filed for legal seperation, I met him in Feb of 07, she filed for divorce, we started dating in April 07 so no I was not being a home wrecker, she already wrecked her home. She had multiple men in her life the whole time they were married, she promised to change, they did something along the lines of renewing thier vows and then about 6 months later she started in again. She started messing around with a married chief in the Navy and he was forced to retire early and she will never make chief now because of thier fooling around.

I met her in August of 07, she decided they should stay married for financial reasons. Then in October 07 she re-filed the same paperwork, he got with his attorney again and responded. She waited till the last minute and went on deployment so she could use that sailor protection act, so nothing was done till October 08. Now she's stalling, putting things in the papers she knows he will disagree with. In our state, when you divorce, you list the debts you created while married, she's listing debts created after seperation.

The oldest girl is 12, she has some behavioral issues, most of them she has gotten from her mother. Obviously there is a communication issue with him, I am trying to come to him in different ways to talk to him or approach him so I don't seem like I am harping or putting him in a corner. He doesn't always tell her everything because she either flips out or says that the discipline he has chosen is to harsh. The daughter was caught wearing make up after being told not to for the 2nd time, lied about it and created a huge string of lies, was using the emergency cell phone I got for her to call her friends, and was getting horrific bad grades. He grounded her for the last semester of school. No friends, cell phone, no home phone nothing till her grades came up. 2 weeks before she was going to be off restriction she was caught logging into a networking site with a very provocative user name, lied about it tried saying it must have been mine or my 6 yr old sons, then we got into her email and found out she had 2 accounts at this site. Continues to lie, so she has "community service" now. He decided she has so many hours of work with the neighbors who have livestock and such for the summer. The day school ends the kids go to thier mothers for a month, the daughter doesn't "serve" any of her punishment. Comes home and mom starts harping on him that she's been grounded long enough.

So I just wanted some advice. She nags him, I come to him and say hey, we need to chat about this, this stuff is not cool and needs to be taken care of, and now I am a nag. How do I come to him without being a nag? How am I supposed to help these kids?

Indireloaded: They were not still together. I am not having an affair with a married man. My ex husband cheated on me and we had other issues in our marriage. I can now say almost 3 years later that my ex husband is my friend. We know we grew apart but we have a child together. He came up for Christmas and slept on the couch for a week so he could see his son. I do not think I am telling her what to do with her own children, although having the oldest come home in a teeny tank top with her boobs hanging out isn't attractive and the youngest in a very short skirt, and also she puts the youngest in the front seat of her car, has been told on numerous occasions that it's illegal and continues to do it. I don't tell her these things, he does, and so did a cop! I am not a trashy homewrecker. The oldest is 12, when she was 4 she told daddy he needed a gf cause mommy has bfs! She was in a park with the kids making out with some guy, told them not to tell daddy!

Okay, thanks for clarifying. You OP didn't contain this info.

Yeah, she sounds like a headcase. But I agree w/everyone who says that this is a HIM problem. You have no control over her, so think of her like a rabid dog. Sad and desperate, you can feel sorry, but still needing to be watched carefully.

Maybe you guys should go to couples counselling. Figure out some communication strategy to deal with the crap when it happens. I don't have any experience w/blended families, but apparently it can be hell.

The risk to you is becoming the nag that she will manipulate to make you look bad. She sounds like a Master button pusher, his, and now yours. Whatever poison she spews to her kids will eventually be found out. Your best bet is to be seen as the 'sane' parent/spouse *all* your kids can be comfortable approaching.

Oh, and he totally needs to get his shit together about the divorce. This has been going on since 06? WTF?

Think of the kids. ALL of them, they didn't ask for any of this, and whatever behaviours her kids have aren't their fault. Show them a better way by example. Good luck.

[kwoj]

I know this is a HIM problem. He has gotten used to just letting her do whatever cause she is going to anyways. The children are mixed, the oldest has seriously nappy hair. The mother would do at home relaxers and ruin her hair. We took her to a salon twice, and before her 3rd one, he got a photo on his cell phone from her. She did it again, and ruined it. He has asked her not to do this, and she does it anyways.

The kids both came home with new glasses and he got the bill, she didn't even warn him.

Since she is in the Navy, she is required to give him a certain amount of money because they are seperated and he has the kids. That would be the house payment plus like $300 extra. Considering she makes more than him and I put together, it was hard for me to swallow that now he has to come up with $600-$700 to make sure she can blow her money on Vic Secrets, the Clinique counter, driving to another state, going to a lodge and spend $300 a night. I ask him how this is fair when she told him she couldn't make her credit card payments, and now since she has extra $ to pay those bills she is blowing it.

I'm rambling. He wants the divorce, but when you get the papers and she lists $33,000 in credit card debt shes racked up after seperating to fix up her apartment (which is a 3 bedroom, the girls stay in one bedroom, she got transfered 2 hours away and is complaining about the gas, and is told maybe she should move into a 2 bedroom closer to where she works now, it's not an option what so ever), buy the girls Vic Secrets bras and panties, and so on, to make it look fair that he gets the house debt. There's 2 pages of her debt aquired after the fact and he has 3 items, he has a very low balance on a credit card, his vehicle and the house. Then in the next paragraph she states that if they can't re-fi the house, that it will be sold within 4 months of trying to re-fi. She was told it will never sell that quick, there are houses around where we live that have been on the market for 2 years! How is he supposed to divorce this woman when none of this is fair, legal or tangible! AND SHES IN THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY!
After this weekend, I am no longer allowed to discipline or "touch" the children. She interrogated the children till she got what she wanted. I was then told that they said I hit them, when it was more like a poke or a swat, nothing major, I swear, I do not hit these children, she told me I am not to touch them ever. All I can do anymore is sit back and let him take care of things. Ask him to have them put proper clothing on and so on.

Ok I rambled, sorry!

[IndiReloaded]

Again, tho, this is for the lawyers to sort out.

As for her higher income, that doesn't matter, except that childcare expenses are fairly divided. Unless he wants alimony. Good luck with that, he's a guy.

[misombra]

i think it might behove you to concern yourself more with you and your son than with this guy, all his kids, and his crazy wife.

[bluesummer]

Wow, this guy must be REALLY worth it.

[kwoj]

He really is, so are his kids. I keep thinking things will change when thier divorce is final, but now I am not so sure.

[misombra]

do you guys live in the mountains by any chance?

[kwoj]

Yea, haha..... actually we live on an Island

[IndiReloaded]

He really is, so are his kids. I keep thinking things will change when thier divorce is final, but now I am not so sure.

Well, his non-confrontational attitude won't ever change. Its who he is. I hope you're okay w/wearing the balls in the family b/c sounds like its up to you. That's okay, btw. I know ppl in these marriages and its great. Provided everyone is sane and agreeable.

All your kids deserve some stability. They didn't ask for any of this crap. Try to help them get that asap. Use that argument w/him & you might find more success. His kid might not appreciate it now, or not even until they grow up, but they will once they become reasoning adults. Good luck.

[vashti]

He grounded the kid for an entire semester and you are mad that there wasn't more than that after school let out?

I think this girl's behavior is completely predictable given her living circumstances. She needs THERAPY and positive interactions with adults who are supposed to be protecting her, not grounding for months on end. She is expressing anger (which she is entitled to) in the only way a 12 year old knows... by acting out.

Sheesh.

[misombra]

you remind me of those crazy mountain people.

[Raze]

sociopaths are those who have no sympathy or emotions. they don't have what makes them human

So, you're basically saying everyone is a sociopath. Wow. And just so you know, before you refute what I'm saying I have an argument to back it up as well I just don't feel like typing it out. So, I wouldn't bother arguing with me unless you want me to write a 10+ pager on why you're wrong.

I'll give you the gist of it. Humans are selfish. We only care about our survival and reproduction on a biological level. And pretty much we'll do anything to do that, which is really sad. If we had emotions, don't you think we would realize how destructive we are to the Earth. I hate to be so depressing, but it's ultimately true. Absolutes like this bother the shit out of me.

[kwoj]

He grounded the kid for an entire semester and you are mad that there wasn't more than that after school let out?

I think this girl's behavior is completely predictable given her living circumstances. She needs THERAPY and positive interactions with adults who are supposed to be protecting her, not grounding for months on end. She is expressing anger (which she is entitled to) in the only way a 12 year old knows... by acting out.

Sheesh.

She screwed up big time 2 weeks before school let out. We get home one night and theres been someone visiting facebook. Neither him nor I have a facebook, and when you login, it saves your details, we don't use email addresses that are provacative. She's 12, I do not believe she should be on a social networking site with a name like the one she was using. She lied about it, we caught her in that lie when we found out she had more than 1 facebook account. We do not allow the children on sites like that. This turned into a 2 hour lie-fest. She got grounded again, HE decided she would work at our neighbors farm shoveling poo or whatever they had for her to do. She went to her moms right away, has not "served" out her punishment. Moms mad shes grounded all the time. If she would act right this wouldn't happen.

I'm not trying to sound like a drill sargeant. I believe children should behave in a certain way, yea they will be kids and mishaps happen, but between March till now this year all she has done is lie to try to get out of things.

She has a therapist. He takes them both to her, the mom doesn't like it, says since this therapist knows everything the mom has done of course the therapist will side with him or the kids. She doesn't want the therapist to know why these things are happening.

We have tried other discipline ideas, nothing works.