do i stay or go?

[ashen1]

well where do i start. i've been with my current boyfriend for 3.5 years now and i've always classed him as 'the one'. he's generous, caring and very kind. The problem exists that since we've been together he has never had a job (well a part time one until recently when he was made redundant). We'd always struggled onwards but were happy together so it never really mattered. I'd say him not having a job is 25% his fault from being too fussy but the rest bad luck. We never have holidays or much fun together as we never have money, and i also have 2 jobs. And not much of a sex life or affection either.

Like i said this had never bothered me until about 4 months a friend suddely declared that he loved me. I brushed him off straight away and applogized and explained i was with someone as he well knew. This person is wealthy, a very good job, a good earner and very nice. So after a while this started to make me assess everything i have and the things that i want out of life. i started to resent my boyfriend in time and my feelings grew for this other friend.

Nothing has 'happened' between me and my friend but feelings are there and a future together has been discussed between us. My friend is due to visit tomorrow so we can spend time together as more than friends and the whole prospect of that really excited me until the last week its hit me and how much my life would change. and now i'm just plain old scared.

In the meantime i'm still living with my (ex boyfriend). a chance of a new flat has cropped up and i need to make a decision tomorrow about it and i need to decide about my friend coming....... so much pressure on my head.

In short, i'm just so confused its killing me. I love my ex and find it hard to walk away from him. i just dont know what i should do. Is it my friend i'm in love with or the future he could provide. am i being shallow (as my ex called me) because if situations were different there probably would never have been a problem. or do i stay and 'try' to make things work and let my friend go. do i see my friend tomorrow and spend the weekend with him? without any time on my own ever its so hard to decide what i need. and all this pressure of the flat and tomorrows visit is making me want to pop.

I'm 31 and just want a different quality of life now and i'm so scared to make the wrong decision.

[mountaingirl]

I think that your questioning whether to stay/get back with your ex is ok. His not being able to have a stable job could very well be a "deal-breaker." I think it's perfectly fair to want a man with a good job who is ambitious or passionate about what he does or takes responsibility seriously, however you want to define it. It's not just about money. Having a good job means more than him being able to pay for stuff for you, or whatever, it means he is mature and responsible (usually ) So what if this friend has good job? It means he is serious, right? And even if it doesn't work out with the friend, at least you gave it a shot and saw what a relationship could be like with someone different. Having fun with your partner is important (as you said, holidays, etc). It seems like that is lacking in your current/ex relationship (not sure of the status) See how that is with this new guy. I understand 3.5 years is a significant amount of time and it can be hard to move on at first, but think about how your life would be with him long term. Do you want to be the breadwinner? (if you do, that's fine too) Do you want a partner with whom you can share financial responsibilities? It's all about you, here!

[ashen1]

thanks mountaingirl!

I do indeed want someone where everything is equal. i was married once and even then i picked up after him and looked after him emotionally, even though we were financially equal. now it seems i have same just opposite inequalities.

I think its my personality that gets in the way now. i'm a bad decision maker and get very scared of having to do so in case i make the wrong one.

Also, i have massive guilt complexes... i still live with my ex until we sort out arrangements which is so difficult i can't even explain. The guilt comes from the fact that i feel like i'm cheating on him in some way. probably due to him still loving me and me still having feelings for him too. I'm too honest for my own good.

I'b beginning to wonder wether i should ask my friend to wait until my life is more sorted even though he's spent hundreds on making this weekend for us. but then i'm in fear of losing him too.

i feel like pulling my hair out with confusion and pressure.

quite honestly i've felt so depressed recently i sometimes dont feel like i have the strength to know what i want anymore or to act on it.

[mountaingirl]

it's such a difficult situation! i once lived with an ex, and it was horrible, so i know where you are coming from. (awkwardness, a bit of resentment in my case). don't worry about losing your friend. think about what's good for you. dont worry so much about "doing the right thing" but rather "treat yourself right." it's life-tests like this when we know which people are good for us. little-by-little is def the way to go. a first step might be moving out/living alone? you are courageous for all that you are doing!!

[Gigabitch]

You've already made a bad decision- you're supposed to spend time with your friend as "more than a friend". That's called cheating, you asshole. Have some respect for yourself and don't do this. You'll hate yourself.

Break up with your dragass boyfriend tonight. Tell him you're moving out and tell him it's because you want to, not because you've got better prospects.

[ashen1]

Gig, your words were sort of harsh but that's the kind of bad thoughts i have running through my head about myself. even though we're not together, i still feel like i'm cheating.

[Gigabitch]

You know very well that if you spend time alone with this guy, it's going to go in that direction. Take control of the situation.

Look, there's nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend who has a job. Idle men are trouble. Also, disgusting. Also, sad.

Chuck him and go for the other guy.

[ashen1]

i wish it was so easy, and i wish i had more balls!

[Gigabitch]

Well, between the two of you, I'll bet yours are bigger. Get rid of this guy now. It's not going to get any better. Believe me, I was married to a lazy ass and he just got lazier as the years went by. He only works enough to maintain. No ambition.

[CAM]

Oy vey. How many times must I read/see this story? Take Giga's advice.

I know this story all too well. See, I'm one of the decent guys with a job, a man who has responsibility and ambition for a better life.

You are nearly every woman I've known in my current town. Living with some guy who's a deadbeat, but you are feeling that you must stay since you already have so much invested (emotionally) in him (and are willing to make excuses for his lack of accomplishment).

I suspect you are holding on to some girlish notion of the image of a man that all the women want...and in your girlish immature way you got him and are too insecure to know that the other women will envy you for the stable and responsible man you marry rather than the lout that you dated because the other girls wanted him, too.

Based on your word usage, I guess you are in a Commonwealth nation. FYI--your poor choice is a universal phenomenon.

What makes it even worse: in many cases, women reproduce with the lout (his genes and predilections survive) and then you marry the nice decent guy (his genes and predilections go down the shower drain).

It makes me very sad to read this stuff, these dilemmas you and other women face. I used to be frustrated by it...but I'm now too old to be a part of it or to even care.

good luck.

[CAM]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ag8J2NMYmc"]YouTube - The Clash - Should I stay or should I go[/ame]

[ashen1]

hehe thanks for that cam. i will take alot of the advice you gave, onboard. i know alot of what i said sounds like drivvel... especially when i read it back to myself. I know what i have to do, its just doing it. I think the whole thing has gotten me down and depressed and my strength has vanished.

[CAM]

hehe thanks for that cam. i will take alot of the advice you gave, onboard. i know alot of what i said sounds like drivvel... especially when i read it back to myself. I know what i have to do, its just doing it. I think the whole thing has gotten me down and depressed and my strength has vanished.

Your lack of strength and your emotional issues (e.g., depression) are what make/made your ex-boyfriend such a powerful actor in your life. He feeds off your weaknesses. An unhealthy relationship.

Your new found guy, however, is a strong person and that is a bit intimidating for you (consciously or subconsciously). He'll want you to be strong and will encourage that behavior/attitude. Don't be intimidated by men.

[CAM]

And don't be intimidated by life.

[IndiReloaded]

And don't be intimidated by life.

+1

Endure pain, find joy, and make your own meaning, because the universe certainly isn't going to supply it.

But you can bet it will be around later to take its cut, so grab happiness where and when you can.

(you too, Cam)