trying to get along with his friends

[mountaingirl]

another one for the guys...or anyone who has been in a similar situation!

it seems like a classic gf doesn't like bfs friends but it is a bit more complicated than that. when i first met them i really did try to get along with them. they are a close knit group of friends that go back way-back-when, but the problem is they are too close-knit and are incredibly exclusive even though i have been with my bf for several years now.

also, they do some nasty things that i dont like. my bf agrees that what they do is not nice sometimes, but he doesnt say anything about it. one example is one of the girls in the group actually stole from me. i was too shocked and shy to confront her about it (found the stolen object months later by accident in her room when we were hanging out there) and another thing is how they talk about other people behind their backs. it's really quite mean. it also makes me think, if they do this to other people, who knows if they do it about me? and another thing is how they have so many inside jokes it makes any one "new" to the "group" feel really excluded. (Not just me, bother some other new friends as well)

in my opinion, it's all really immature and i think because they are so exclusive and have never really "left their backyard" they are really close-minded. okay so nomrally i would not hang out with people, but they are close to my bf and it's a huge source of conflict. they life far away from us now, so he doesn't see them that much anyway, at least. but there will always to times when we will see each other, especially if my bf and i get married, they will always be there.

please don't get me wrong, i do not want him to "choose between them and me." I'm not that kind of person. i just want to know, how can i make it better for all of us? i've already tried to exclude myself from the group and just let them be his friends and not my friends too, i don't go with him when he does see him. but they really drive me crazy. is this a bite-my-tongue situation???

[mountaingirl]

hi ladies
i tried asking this in the men's forum but haven't gotten any kind of response...

i'm in a really great relationship with a great guy for the past 3 years and like every relationship we have our ups and downs (although mostly ups )

the problem is i dont get along with his friends and i dont know what to do about it. i have really tried but they are old friends from years back and they are soooo cliquey and exclusive and not very nice to "new" people in their circle. My bf has recognized that, because they are from a really small town and haven't really 'left their backyard' they can be a bit close-minded. they have done some not-so-nice things to me (the girls in the group have stolen and played immature games, the boys are just sort of rude and stand-offish)

these friends are really close to my boyfriend and i dont want to, and will absolutely not make him chose between me and them. i just want to know how my bf and i can deal with this. they live far, btw, so it's not like we see them often at all. i dont go with him anymore when my bf goes to visit them.

has anyone else not gone through something similar, in that you didn't like friends of your bf? what do i do? just bite my tongue?

thanks so much for your input!

[CocoChanel]

Is your boyfriend aware that these girls have done that to you? And what does he have to say about the way his friends treat you.
Oh and yes I have gone through this. Took me a while to get through this issue too.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm still trying to understand the title.

You sound like someone who is trying to come off smarter or more cultured than you actually are. This is just based on your improper use of words in your post and its tone. I don't even know you & I found it annoying.

My advice: be comfortable with who you are and stop trying to fit someone else's mold, in this case, your BF and his friends. They probably don't like you b/c you seem a bit fake to them?

[ShyGuy81]

To be honest if he agrees with you that some of the things they do are not very nice, especially stealing from you then he should say something.

Sometimes really close knitt groups can be really hard to get on with, my ex had a really close knitt group and I never really felt welcome with them.

Sadly the only thing that you may be able to do make it better is confront them, or at least the one who is casuing the trobule with you. In this case it may very well be the girl that stole from you just being not very nice but the group kind of sticks we her in the case as you are an "outsider". Maybe sticking up to her and upsetting the power play a bit may make her back down and improve the situation.

Granted that may backfire as well but after a few years you would have imagine that would have at least let you in a bit or at least realise that you are not going anywhere.

Otherwise it depends if you can stand to keep biting your tounge?

Lee

[IndiReloaded]

MG, Can you please not multiple post? Nothing ticks the mods and regulars off quite so much.

You can delete threads by deleting your initial post.

Thanks doll.

[mountaingirl]

cocochanel: yes my bf does know what they have done and he doesn't say anything unfortunately i don't know why and i really hate conflict so i don't push the issue. when i found out this girl stole, i was so shocked and shy about it i didn't confront her.

indireloaded: wow I don't even know you and i find you to be incredibly rude. but whatever, just going to skip to your advice: I'm not trying to fit in any kind of mold and i'm not fake. but you are right that i should just continue being myself, and they can think what they want.

[misombra]

i would not like it if my bf's friends didn't like me and were snobby toward me. i haven't been through it but it sounds like a deal breaker to me. if his friends are not friendly people then i would wonder why my bf fit in with that group. a lot of time is spent with the friends of your significant other.

*also, one thread is plenty. everybody will see it, don't worry.

[Gigabitch]

If you don't live near them, why do you have to see them much? Can he hang out with them occasionally and you do something else? If he insists on spending a lot of time with these toxic people, I'd think about telling him it's becoming a problem.

If one of my friends stole from my husband, she's be out in the cold immediately. Does your bf know his friend stole from you?

[IndiReloaded]

indireloaded: wow I don't even know you and i find you to be incredibly rude. but whatever, just going to skip to your advice: I'm not trying to fit in any kind of mold and i'm not fake. but you are right that i should just continue being myself, and they can think what they want.

You know someone stole from you and you didn't confront her b/c of your BF, no doubt. If that isn't contorting oneself into a mold I don't know what is.

Call me rude for speaking the truth. That's your prerogative, but we both know I'm right. Sorry its not sugar-coated enough for your pallet.

What Giga said.

[mountaingirl]

gigabitch: thanks for the message. no, we don't see them that much at all. he does occasionally, but they live sort of far away, and i have stopped going with him when he visits, even when he asks me to go. i just go off with my own friends. i think it's better to remove myself from the situation. it's just a shame that we don't get along because they are important to my bf, as they have all been friends for a long time. It's not hostile between us all, we are polite i guess, but, like i mentioned, awkward stuff like the stealing and game playing has happened.

[mountaingirl]

indireloaded: we don't know each other at all, only from small bits shared on this forum. you are def. entitled to you own opinion about me, but you are in no way entitled to your own facts.

thanks everyone for your input.

[IndiReloaded]

If I am wrong, then shrug. But I'm pretty sure I'm not. Your problem is not unique to your age. You lack the confidence to stand up for what you think is right. You are willing to make concessions to your values in order to hang on to some guy whose choice of friends makes him sound immature at best and dubious at worst.

Still you aren't the first gal to twist herself up over a guy.

Anyway, you came to a public internet forum for advice. Take what is useful to you and do the best you can with it. But if you get your back up so readily from a stranger's input, I can only imagine how you will be with those IRL. Good luck, doll.

[CocoChanel]

Fck his friends. Make some friends of your own and whenever his friends come around... you disappear. Just stay away from them.