Am I in the wrong here?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't think so, but here goes:

My girlfriend and I had a very rough month last month. I got arrested(out the same day), and two weeks later her father died very suddenly. I was very supportive and took a step back when she needed to grieve with her family, I was fine taking a back seat. Then about a week and half after her father died, she told me that she's going to be practicing for her graduation recital(violin performance major), and she's going to be taking care of her mom and stuff. I told her I was there for her, whatever she needed, and then she tells me that she wants a break and we'll talk about our future together in a few weeks, or we should break up since it's "not fair to me" that she won't have as much time. Fine, so, not wanting to call it quits I opted for the "break" and that was pretty much it, no discussion of what a "break" is.

We went out for my birthday a couple weeks later but not too much talking besides that. So then about a week or so after we ate dinner, I started hanging out with one of my friends that I hadn't seen in a couple months since I moved(she was my neighbor in my apt complex, and my gf lived upstairs). She had a boyfriend of 3 years, but she said she's basically been in love w/ me since she met me, and we started hooking up. My "gf" noticed my car in the parking lot for two weeks before calling me and asking what was up. I was in the mall when she called, so I lied and said I'd been hanging out with one of our mutual friends, who I didn't know she had already talked to. I called her the next day and told her the truth, and she flipped out on me. Then she came over to pick up some stuff, and really went off, saying we were still together, and we kissed on my birthday, and we were supposed to talk later and I'm an asshole basically. She didn't talk to me or answer my texts besides my birthday, hardly.

I really do have feelings for this other girl and it's not me trying to make my ex jealous, though I guess I didn't have to park right in my normal spot in the garage(right in front of the elevator).

Guess I'm just venting, but I'd also like some opinions as to whether I'm in the wrong and if she is justified in acting like this.

[Bumble_bee]

your wrong....

her father passed away, and there you are trying to justify your actions. If you thought you guys were finished then fair enough, but you say you didn't even know what was meant by a break...why didn't you clarify what that meant to her, maybe she just needed to be alone, you know, grief strikes people in different ways...the break was her way of dealing with hers.



It seems in fact you were not happy to take a back seat.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She had been(and she even admits) more distant before any of this happened. I thought it was an excuse for her to slowly cut me loose, since we didn't know what was going to happen with my case, and she didn't want to just out right leave just because I got arrested. She also wouldn't get back to me at all when I would call or text, and this went on for weeks. I really thought it was over. After two years I think I deserve a phone call or a text back. I wanted nothing more than to be there for her, and she didn't want that, and now she's mad that I moved on? She said that the talk later was going to about where our relationship was going and what we each wanted to do(ominous overtone). As I said before, we also did not discuss ANY rules of this break either.
She was hysterical when she I told her everything, after not speaking to me for a month practically. She spoke to me in the weeks after her father died, preceding the "break", why the sudden stop? I felt like she was cutting me out, for good, so I cut my losses and moved on.
Lets also keep in mind that I have no idea if, when, or for how long I'd be going to jail throughout any of this time.
I guess I can accept being mostly wrong, but will someone at least agree that I'm not a cheater?

[Bumble_bee]

Sorry, I think my post came across as if I was attacking you, but you have to see it from where she is standing

I think the circumstances under which she kind of laid off all contact was pretty understandable. And so I'm guessing she is hurt because you guys never officially broke up

You did nothing wrong per say, but in her eyes, you moved on whilst she was busy grieving.

Don't worry I ain't mad at ya

[DarFace]

Hmm, well i don't necessarily think your wrong, both of you just had a really bad misunderstanding of everything. I can understand why you'd feel that the break for her was just an excuse to break up with you, but to her it really was just a break. To put herself back together after her father's death.

I agree with Bumble Bee that maybe you should have clarified what exactly the "break" was to restrain from all the confusion that went on. I think you may be a little teeny bit wrong(sorry! haha) but it was just mainly bad communication and an understanding of things.

Hope everything turns out okay in the end, & i HOPE i helped, haha (:

[little pingoin]

The way I see it, she's a violin major, which means she's in college. She's working toward making something of herself, making a future for herself. The girl has goals and dreams. Then her boyfriend gets pinched; presumably, for doing something stupid. Could she have been distancing herself from you to begin with because, in that scenario, your actions don't really fit into her big picture plans?

Then her dad dies so she pulls back even further. Maybe it's just me, but any time something bad happened, my significant other was the first person I went to for comfort. I think the two of you were on the outs, no matter what.

That said, you should have clarified with her what the "break" meant if you truly cared about keeping her. I don't think you really care so much about her as you care about not being labeled the bad guy.

Criminals are bad guys. Straighten your shit up.

[Gigabitch]

Sure, technically, you're not a cheater. To me, a break is a break up. To a lot of girls, though, a break is a test, and you totally failed the test.

Do you really think, in hindsight, that hooking up with your former neighbor was a good idea? If you wanted to patch things up with your gf, that wasn't the way to do it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

When i started up with my former neighbor, I was decidedly done with my ex-gf. Me and my former neighbor were a much better fit and I felt a much stronger connection than I felt in two years with my ex. Didn't work out for reasons beyond both of our control, though.

Little Pingoin, I got "pinched" for being at a residence where a large box of marijuana was mailed. It's naive to think that all criminals are bad people, or that criminals aren't making our laws in the first place. That being said, she knew exactly who I was and what I was about, and I think you're right that she didn't factor that into her long term plan. I too was in school, and am now graduated and working as a computer engineer, so I'd say I'm on my to making a future for myself as well. Her friend(basically an older sister) told her that I was definitely going to jail(an attorney friend of hers said so), so I think she was distancing herself too. That is part of the reason I was able to get over her so quickly, I felt like she wasn't really there for me when I really needed her(which is fine given the situation), but it also made me feel a little betrayed. By the way, case was dismissed.

[chunkle8]

i guess when she said that she needed a break it meant that she just wanted some time to think...but you guys are still together technically. so seeing how you were hanging out with this girl would anger her especially since you lied about it when she asked. it just makes you kind of insensitive cuz it seems like she going through a lot of stress. she may not have said much to you during the break, but what a girl really needs is comfort and a helping hand. did you stop by to visit her? check on how she's doing? help her take care of her mom? at least relieve her problems a little

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Chunkle, what are you, 12? Did you read what I said? I don't know how many different ways to say it but I couldn't get in contact with her. I wanted to comfort her and be there for her, she let it be known that her family was there for that and she didn't need me or want me around. Believe me all I wanted to do was relieve her stress(forget about the stress of not knowing whether or not I was going to be locked up myself).

I thank everyone for their input and perspective(except chunkle), it's helped me to understand the situation better.

[brightgirl]

I don't think so, but here goes:

My girlfriend and I had a very rough month last month. I got arrested(out the same day), and two weeks later her father died very suddenly. I was very supportive and took a step back when she needed to grieve with her family, I was fine taking a back seat. Then about a week and half after her father died, she told me that she's going to be practicing for her graduation recital(violin performance major), and she's going to be taking care of her mom and stuff. I told her I was there for her, whatever she needed, and then she tells me that she wants a break and we'll talk about our future together in a few weeks, or we should break up since it's "not fair to me" that she won't have as much time. Fine, so, not wanting to call it quits I opted for the "break" and that was pretty much it, no discussion of what a "break" is.

We went out for my birthday a couple weeks later but not too much talking besides that. So then about a week or so after we ate dinner, I started hanging out with one of my friends that I hadn't seen in a couple months since I moved(she was my neighbor in my apt complex, and my gf lived upstairs). She had a boyfriend of 3 years, but she said she's basically been in love w/ me since she met me, and we started hooking up. My "gf" noticed my car in the parking lot for two weeks before calling me and asking what was up. I was in the mall when she called, so I lied and said I'd been hanging out with one of our mutual friends, who I didn't know she had already talked to. I called her the next day and told her the truth, and she flipped out on me. Then she came over to pick up some stuff, and really went off, saying we were still together, and we kissed on my birthday, and we were supposed to talk later and I'm an asshole basically. She didn't talk to me or answer my texts besides my birthday, hardly.

I really do have feelings for this other girl and it's not me trying to make my ex jealous, though I guess I didn't have to park right in my normal spot in the garage(right in front of the elevator).

Guess I'm just venting, but I'd also like some opinions as to whether I'm in the wrong and if she is justified in acting like this.

I think you're both in the wrong.
First off, she clearly wasn't THAT INTO YOU or the whole "break" option wouldn't have come up. I'd move on, if I were you, just on that alone. If she's not sure she wants you, then find someone else who does. I mean, really... how degrading is that.
Then, she didn't make it clear what a "break" meant, or that the "break" was over when you kissed later on. On the other hand, you involved yourself with someone else without asking for said clarification. It was a mix up that happened because of bad communication.
But, like I said, it sounds like you ought to move on anyway.