Girlfriend won't have sex with me - I'm too fat!

[8-ball]

Hey guys,

Something's bothering me at the moment, and I'd appreciate some input.

I've noticed that over the past 6 months, my sex life with my girlfriend has seriously diminished - it's pretty much nonexistant right now.

After constantly bugging her for an explantion, and with the help of some wine, she finally cracked and reluctantly admitted that she doesn't want to have sex with me because I've put on weight.

Needless to say, I'm quite hurt.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and we have been living together for a year. Prior to us moving in together, I had always been very physically active and quite buff/well built, but since living together, that went out the window, and I've put on 20kg in the past year - but I would say that I'm still reasonably attractive, just a bit on the chubby side.

I guess one big difference between us is our differing perspectives on sex. For me, sex is literally making love - it's primarily emotional, and it's about connecting and being intimate with the other person. For her, I get the feeling that sex is primarily physical; that it's mainly about physical attraction and physical gratification.

Sometimes I wish we felt the same about sex.

My girlfriend loves me very much though; she tells me all the time, and she always wants to cuddle. I also love her very much - I'm crazy about her infact, and I wouldn't be with her if I wasn't.

However, something about all this doesn't feel right to me - maybe that's simply due to the fact that I wouldn't act in the same way if the roles were reversed? Or maybe I'm just too idealistic in my view of love/realtionships?

I've decided to lose the weight - for me, not for her, but I'd really like your opinion on this matter - I've got some questions for you:

1. If you were in my situation, how would you react? What would you do?
2. Is my girlfriend being shallow? Or is it normal behaviour?
3. Am I settling for second best?
4. Are we sexually incompatible? Or do I just have unrealistically high expectations of sex? Is sex just simply sex?
5. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just loosen up and stop taking this so seriously?
6. Anything else you want to add?

By the way, I am 28, and she is 24.

Thanks very much for taking the time to read this, have a good one

[SouthwestGuy]

WOW.. that does hurt.

I think you should really consider talking to her about this if you want this relationship to continue.

I will say this... at least she is honest with you. You have to commend that. Some people will lie and then the problem never gets solved.

Sex is something special in a relationship. It should be about love, though there is physical pleasure involved. If it is about expressing love for you, but only about physical gratification for her, you should ask yourself if that is REALLY something you can live with in the relationship. My feeling on it... I could not be OK with that.

If you decide you are OK with it, then so be it. Start a diet and stick with it. Do some exercise everyday, even if it is some sit ups and brisk walking. Some if better than none. As your body gets adjusted to the exercise, start making it a bit more intense. Go to the gym, run outside... anything to promote weight loss. Also remember losing weight is about MUCH more than sex appeal, it is also about staying healthy. You are WAY too young to start having high blood pressure or health problems due to obesity.

[SouthwestGuy]

And to answer your question number 5, no, you are not being too sensitive about this.

In my opinion, this is a serious issue. When a couple has VERY different views on sex, that is a making for a disaster down the road.

[little pingoin]

A relationship without sex isn't much of a relationship. Physical attraction is a necessary part of sexual interest, and she apparently has a problem with love handles. It's no less shallow than the fact that I'm attracted to tall men, and I don't care for the bodybuilder physique. It seems she still loves you and wants to spend her time with you. She just can't seem to get herself in the mood with the way things are.

I agree with SG. Maintaining a healthy weight should be your goal for reasons greater than getting your girlfriend hot for you again. You have a long life ahead of you yet.

[8-ball]

Thanks very much for the reply guys

@SouthwestGuy: you are right, we have different views on sex. I make love, and she has sex. I feel that in order to be truly sexually satisfied in this relationship, I would need to give up the part of me that wants to make love, and just start having sex - that way we'd be on the same page. Worth it? Hmm...

@little pingoin: Thanks for putting that into perspective

[valkyrie4896]

Perhaps, dont analyze it too much and get yourself in shape. It keeps you healthy and pleases your girl, win win.

My date prefers a bit more fat on her guy, while I spent years maintaining my physical condition. Ugh. Time to gain some fat.

[Kat5]

That must be very hurtful to have your girlfriend say that. I think it's important to have an honest conversation with her. Ask her how she is feeling, why her behaviour has changed. Is her lack of desire to have sex directly due to your weight gain or is there something else involved? Is she loving and supportive in every other way?

[8-ball]

@Kat5: Thanks for your reply. Her change in behaviour is directly due to my weight gain. I have tried to inquire to see if there are any other reasons, e.g., maybe she likes someone else, maybe she's bi-sexual, maybe she doesn't love me anymore, etc, but she says the only reason is my current weight issue and I believe her.

I'm going to take valkyrie4896's advice. I'm going to get back into shape, get healthy and strong (both mentally and physically), and stop over-analysing things!

It's funny, I thought my relationship was in trouble, but I've spent the day reading these forums and so many people are having major relationship troubles! The bottom line is that girlfriend loves me, I love her, and compared to the other problems people on here are facing, my current dilemma isn't actually that bad. I should be grateful.

I'm starting to realise that NO relationship is perfect - they all have their flaws and pitfalls. I think the problem is that I'm trying to find fulfillment/satisfaction/perfection in something that is so fundamentally imperfect/fleeting/fragile/complicated/volatile!

Moral of the story for me: Don't take life so seriously - you won't get out alive!

Man, I feel so much better than I did earlier on today! Thanks guys

[8-ball]

But having just said all that, I'm still not 100% happy about her attitude.

[valkyrie4896]

Your GF loves you, 8-Ball.

Love handles are prolly just a turn off for her, like greasy hair, smelly armpit, oily skin, bad breathe, hairy back, insecurities, toe jam, smegma, etc... Now personal hygiene is different from love handles, but they are both turn offs. You cant say that she's being superficial/sexually incompatible just because you have one of those turn-offs and didnt try to turn it off.

Plus you bugged her to tell you the reason right? She didnt use it to insult you. If my girl smells like dead fish down there and wants me to eat it, I'd refuse until she wash it clean or something, I shouldnt have to tell her to keep her female parts clean. Also, perhaps she read you putting on weight as you no longer want to spend too much effort to please her anymore? Taking her for granted? It is reasonable.

[Graham Berkeley]

Sounds like you are turning into her teddy bear and growing out of being her boyfriend. Typically they cheat next.

Loose the weight. Stop drinking.

[vashti]

20 kg is about 45 lbs, for you yanks. That's a significant weight gain. I don't think many men would appreciate that much extra weight on the girl they initially hooked up with...

[Charlie Boy II]

No, I'd find it hard to get excited about going into the bedroom with a girl who'd added that much weight.

[Yggdrasil]

It's funny, I thought my relationship was in trouble, but I've spent the day reading these forums and so many people are having major relationship troubles! The bottom line is that girlfriend loves me, I love her, and compared to the other problems people on here are facing, my current dilemma isn't actually that bad. I should be grateful.

I'm starting to realise that NO relationship is perfect - they all have their flaws and pitfalls. I think the problem is that I'm trying to find fulfillment/satisfaction/perfection in something that is so fundamentally imperfect/fleeting/fragile/complicated/volatile!

Moral of the story for me: Don't take life so seriously - you won't get out alive!

You have one huge advantage over all those other relations which went down the drain and people come here trying to fix them:

You caught the problem on time and are going to do something about it.

Bonus

[BoredGeorge]

tell her to suck it.

Leave ur clothes on so she can't see ur fat ugly body.

Women are so awful, imagine if u had said that to her.