she is destroying my happiness

[shelli]

I think most of us know what jealousy feels like.

I don't think of my self as a jealous person in general. My bf has many girl friends and many female co-workers and it doesn't bother me.
However for some reason I lose touch with one of my friends because I'm always in a bad mood after my bf and I have seen her.

She just seems to have taken his sides whenever I have discussed things with her. Always so understanding about him. And because she is in a troubled relationship and I had told her that my bf had said she deserved more than that - her reaction was; he is just so SWEET.

I have discussed things with my bf and he says he likes her as a person but does not feel attracted to her and will never be attracted to her. He even said I went to see my friends to make ME happy and if this made me sad he would rather not see her anymore.

Still my moods just drop whenever we/I have to see her because it seems like she really likes him. When I comment about things he might be able to improve she answers "all men are like that you just have to accept it". And when I tell her about great stuff we are experiencing she has no response - as if she is not happy for me.

I used to be best friends with her, but she disappoints me. And I feel bad when I'm with her now. It is as if she is always dressed up and sees no flaws in him. I know it's a stupid thing but one thing she said keeps entering my mind. We had a talk about likes and dislikes, and I said well I KNOW my bf would never be attracted to someone with blond hair - and she answered: "well I have blond hair"?! as if she thought he already was attracted to her or as if she wanted that to happen some day

some part of me has already given up on the relationship with her. Still I write here because I might ignore some things which could make me see things from a different side.

[alovehangoverr]

It sounds like you have it all figured out.. she has a bad relationship, your bf stood up for her in a sense by saying she deserved better, and now she's sees him as some knight in shining armor.

She probably takes his side because he seems better than what she currently has, and she probably has nothing to say when things are going great for you two because she's jealous.

Her comment was also out of line.. I'd be bothered by it too-- like she'd expect him to be interested in her or something. That's awkward.

I think your boyfriend is right-- if she makes you unhappy, don't see her. If you're determined to work out the friendship, then address it with her. It might be an uncomfortable discussion.. but if you haven't addressed the subject, maybe it's time to try.

[shelli]

I wish I was able to just ignore those things she does. But she annoys me so much.

He has met all my friends and I feel no problem with no other. It bothers me so much and I guess you are right - I have to discuss things with her if I still want to see her.
Somehow I feel as if that would only give her reason to believe she could have a chance -since her behaviour has troubled me so much.

Another time she asked in a strangely curious way "why were you mad at him"? as if she expected it to have something to do with her, I don't know!

I just hate she somehow has to present herself, pose and act, from her greastest side. She IS beautiful, she does some great things, but it seems so fake, yet I see it's hard for people to see something wrong with her. But she cries out for attention and I feel she does that also from my bf even though he's with me.
She has offered her help a million times "I'm able to drop off any time to do this and that - and please say if you need something! Ofcourse please say hi to your bf!" I don't know if my jealousy is taking over but it just feels like she is seeking to be close to him, see him, talk to him at any chance.

To me it feels like a defeat to just end talking to her. But adressing this issue with her seems impossible at the moment, I don't know exactly what to say and I can't at the moment grasp exactly her motivation and thereby reaction if I did. I think though it would be something like "I had no idea! I'm SO sorry to hear that (laughing inside thinking YES he's mine)"

I think I also really needed to come out with this. i haven't told anybody about it but my bf who were kind of shocked by this. I guess that's understandable since I haven't told him how absolutely sweet and great she thinks he is.

"i bet you bf would like if" " I bet he thinks that" - it's just so annoying to listen to these things as if she is an expert on him. and some day out of the blue she suggested that he "could be a model why I hadn't suggested that?"
I know he IS a great guy and of course other people will be able to see that but it's just hurtful to feel she's playing subtle games on the side when he's there and the comments are killing me,.

I have already stopped filling her in on a lot of the details going on in our life because it's just annoying she will never take my sides and when something great happens she won't acknowledge that. However the last empathic comment arose from a complaint of mine where I was annoyed he hadn't marked our 1 year anniversary. "well that's so normal! (as if she enjoys hearing that, at least gets energy from it) see, I haven't received anything but flowers on our 5th year (YES they ARE STILL together!)" - then I wrote a message to her the next day there had been a misunderstanding, he had told me he hadn't had time enough to arrange a surprise for me AND he had dropped hints about marriage!" - this only answered with silence!

This relationship is the greatest and hopefully the last I will ever have. I have felt like I have been in love until now. I was so happy and I still am, but I let her too much in on things and some of the happiness just dies because of that. Yes I guess I have to end seeing her... but we used to be really great friends. the greatest. Thinking same thoughts, always having fun. But it feels like she is somehow competing with me now. As if she wants to top me, i dont know - but I sure as hell don't get that feeling from any of my other friends :/

[Kromat]

It seems like your fueling your jealous of her, because she's jealous of what you have.

I think the person that is in the middle is your current BF, because he likes talking to this girl, but it seems like she makes you uncomfortable, so he'll have to stop talking to her, to make you happy.

In the end, you would be a losing a good friend and and him having to avoid someone that he can talk too.

It's a cruel world, always talks of betrayal, money, jealousy, funerals, layoffs, firings, it's just a vicious cycle that we can't avoid.

I'm finding that there's a lot more single people out there, then there was 20 years ago.

Some people just can't be happy for others, unless they have what they have themselves.

P.S. Girls usually don't go after a guy, unless he has a girlfriend, because they want to know how he would treat them, or they want him for the financial support, instead of love like it is intended.

Make sure to talk to her, and straighten this situation out, maybe you can save your friendship with this female, because good friends are hard to find, but she has to understand not to get to close to him, because what might even happen, is that you decide to leave him, because he seems to be standing more time with her, than with you.

CHOOSE WISELY !!!!!

[Mish]

To me it feels like a defeat to just end talking to her. But adressing this issue with her seems impossible at the moment, I don't know exactly what to say and I can't at the moment grasp exactly her motivation and thereby reaction if I did. I think though it would be something like "I had no idea! I'm SO sorry to hear that (laughing inside thinking YES he's mine)"

You could have a chat with her where you tell her about your unhappiness with her interaction with him and ask for changes. Tell her that if she doesn't change you will not be friends anymore and see if there are any improvements. Remember that you are not powerless and you hold a lot of sway in this. You can make it happen so she will never see him (or you) again.

[Doc Durian]

Lose her. Family is your first priority, friends come second. You and him are well into becoming family. Kids are an optional extra. He recognizes this and is prepared to sacrifice a friendship with her to grow the family bond. She's acting out and it has nothing to do with either of you, but she's well poised to disrupt your family bond anyway.

Her damage, not yours.

Cut it off now. If you all renew the friendship later on with better more healthy terms, so be it.... it's a bonus.

Never invite a cobra into your household.

[shelli]

Thanks for all the replies. I think I already chose what to do by distancing myself from her. Somehow I think she has gotten the idea, however less cowardly if I had told her to her face. It is as if she has toned herself a bit down. Well, she has just dropped some places on my friends list and I think I agree most with Doc durian - she is an intelligent girl she will come back at some point. I have had a problem before with her. I used to really like her little brother. We had something going on but she got so quiet and I think she was jealous back then too. I felt I couldn't start that relationship because of her.
This time she has nothing to say :-)

[Rollerderby]

it's because she is your friend and should not be skeevin on your man. Even if his female friends were skeevy, it's more acceptable b/c they aren't your friends. She has traitor written all over her. Dump her as a friend and tell her why.

[IndiReloaded]

This 'friend' makes you insecure, the reason doesn't really matter. Until you get yourself under control about this, I would avoid this gal. She may be after your BF, you can't really control this. You can, however, give her less opportunity and you can increase your own confidence. This will make her less attractive to your BF, in a direct comparison.

[shelli]

What happened since last time I wrote here is that I totally stopped interacting with her. Not only because of what I have written above but also because it has felt like SHE wasn't there for me.

I have gained some "confidence" after him and I have spoken about this subject so many times and I'm not eager to experience her around him again but I just found peace now because I know he only tried to be nice towards yet another of my friends.

So... after he proposed (and I of course said yes) I thought I might share this news with her (I had written a few msgs now and then but no reply! We also arranged a couple of times to meet up, but she had to cancel both times last minute)
- and immediately she messaged back how great she thought is was! - she would call tomorrow for more details when she had the time!

I never heard from her. So finally we suceeded in finding a day to catch up on everything and that day I learned she had kept this a secret from her man because it had "upset" her so much???
I just think it's a really strange reaction. Well all her distancing is kind of strange; somehow it feels like she isn't happy for me. Somehow it feels like we only got to meet this time because she had heard from her brother he had been to see us and congratulate us.

Strange.

I'm thinking this doesn't confirm my thought she was "competing" with me, but somehow it really points in that direction. Why else would she not say to her bf ? As if it would be some sort of defeat to tell him. "Look what happened to them - and you haven't even thought of proposing to me?!" I don't know and I have started not to care. She just still disappoints me.

[Yggdrasil]

Why don't you have a talk with her and your b/f on the same table?

That's called a group confrontation.

You know.. the three of you.

That'll do it.

[shelli]

And confront her with what? I don't have any "clear" evidence she's trying to either destroy things between us or to take him away from me. It's just the whole feeling she gives me, which I have relied upon. But I never accuse before I know

So this is a way of getting closer to an answer which I haven't found myself yet.

[Yggdrasil]

And confront her with what? I don't have any "clear" evidence she's trying to either destroy things between us or to take him away from me. It's just the whole feeling she gives me, which I have relied upon. But I never accuse before I know

So this is a way of getting closer to an answer which I haven't found myself yet.

Who says you have to accuse?

It's about confrontation, not accusation.

What you do is, you start casualy talking about how you feel, while they are both with you. You express how this situation makes you feel, to both at the same time. Then the three of you can discuss it, like mature people.

Nothing is as bad for a relation as ghosts in the closeth.

Let them out.

Speak up.

Frankly, I've been in a similar situation, where my wife expressed that one of our mutual female friends made her feel uncomfortable. So one day, we were at a restaurant and had invited her to, I brought it up.

Problem solved after that.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you have opportunity to interact with both of them like Ygg suggests?

Its not a bad idea, what he suggests. My only addition would be to make use of lengthy silence a bit more. People tend to hang themselves given enough rope. Its harder to do with two people at once, tho. You'd have to start the conversation with something like "I am concerned about the nature of your relationship, I'd like to understand better."

You'd have to shut up then and resist the temptation to add or qualify your statement. Let them fill in the gaps.

Are you prepared to find out there is more to their relationship than you are comfortable with tho? Or that they might combine to make you feel/look silly (that would be a red flag, btw). The ideal situation would be your BF should side with you and your 'friend' would be alienated.

Anyway, think about it before proceeding if this is what you decide to do.

[Azn2Luv]

is your jealousy thing still going on ? over its been solved. because you should stay calm the boy would never leave you, he is just standing up for your friend and now your friend is liking oh well you are the girlfriend in the relationship. you should just love him more and who cares about the girls outside liking him because you love him. sooo goooo love him.
Azn2Luv is here. lol