Can anyone help please ? I’m really struggling here, advice please !

[Struggling02]

This is my first post, and I am new to this, to please be gentle with me !

Sorry for the long post – I (think) it is all relevant.

My wife left me before Christmas, I was having business problems, coming home in a bad mood etc, and she didn’t see the underlying issues that something was wrong, one day she just said “I’m sick of this, I’m out of here”, and got an apartment in a different area. No warning, ultimatum, nothing. I therefore now live alone and spend a lot of time thinking about everything, dwelling etc. Ive found myself going to a bar quite often, too socialize, to get out of the house, to relieve boredom, etc etc.

I got a new job in February, and sort of slowly accepted that it was over, and the new job helped signify a new life, with new people, new challenges etc. However, there’s a girl (she’s 23, Im 39, no kids) in the office who made friends with me, she was also unhappy as she had recently ended things with her bf as she found he had another gf elsewhere, who was pregnant with his child. By the way, this girl is absolutely stunningly good looking ! the boss at my workplace told me he only employed her as she looked so good around the office !

Over the weeks, we started chatting and confiding in each other, and calling each other, just to chat outside of work as well. We also met to go out for a drink once or twice.
I must stress that its her that makes 99% of the calls to me, not the other way around (I don’t ring, just in case she thinks I am “pestering”, so I have made the decision to let her dictate the pace). She calls me in the evenings, at weekends, and three times now we have been out for a drink. She knows that deep down I adore her, but she said she has backed off a few times, as it appears I want “more”.

She is a very intelligent girl, and plays “the game” with me, far better than I can. She rings me in the evenings regularly (often 4-5 times per week), and if I don’t answer for whatever reason, she then asks me at work (when no one is around) why I didn’t answer. She knows I love to chat to her, Ive told her this many times. By “playing the game” I mean ringing me most evenings (and we can be on the phone for up to 2 hours per call, just chatting), occasionally asking ME if I would like to go out, (then an hour later, saying maybe she can’t, as “she will have to see what she’s doing”) and saying things for example :

“I really wanted to chat to you today, but the boss was in. I may move my desk nearer to you so we can chat better”
“I think about you a lot, but I’d like it to stay just friends for the moment, as I am not over my ex properly”.
And of course the usual chatting etc in work, regularly emailing me asking how my day is going, etc etc.

Something happened last week, in that she saw an email between from me to a male friend in the office, we were joking about an office sports game, and my comment that I would like to go “just to see her in some tight shorts”. She said she was mad about it, but rang me about a few times and we are fine now, I asked if she would let me take her out at the weekend to make up for it, her reply being “Why wait til weekend? And suggested we went out earlier this week after work which we did. At the end of the evening, I was walking her to her car, and she asked something about whether I wanted to be more then friends, I said “well, Yes, youve seen the email!” and her reply shocked me very much, she replied “Well I am DEFINITELY not interested in being more than friends!”. As you can imagine, this shocked me a great deal, disappointed me, and I went quiet. I walked her to her car, said goodbye, and walked away and went home.

An hour later, she called me, saying I had been quiet, and was anything the matter with me. This turned into another 2 hour call, as I said I just felt very foolish, embarrassed and hurt. She said that throughout the time we had known each other, I am a friend but she hasn’t felt anything attraction to me at all that she would like to take things further. and that she prefers guys with a "bad boy image"
The next day in the office I was very quiet and agigated, squirming under the surface. I have to put up with this permanently now ! I don’t know if I can.

I didn’t mean anything heavy, and surely she has been on dates before without having to “feel anything” beforehand.
I am now in total turmoil. I do really adore the girl, and feel electricity when she emails/calls/talks to me, but now just feel rejected, embarrassed, hurt etc. I am in a whirlwind of whether to call/email just to say hi, reject the whole thing and just treat her like a work colleague (but I don’t think my feelings would allow me to do that) or leave my job altogether.

I have no idea how to proceed with this, buts its affecting me now where I can’t sleep properly, concentrate at work and think about it all the time.

Please help !

[vashti]

Quit all contact with her that isn't a necessary part of your job. You never should have allowed it to progress this far. She's too young for you.

[Struggling02]

Hi Vashti, and thanks for your reply.

My problem is, that I think she is the type that would be very awkward and trouble causing if I made her feel "rejected", ie refused advances etc.

Plus, I don't think I could manage to do that, as she has me "in her spell" if you know what I mean. Ive tried it before, but within a few days, the big blue eyes looking at me, and friendly ways she has, has me warming to her again.

[Bumble_bee]

Plus, I don't think I could manage to do that, as she has me "in her spell" if you know what I mean. Ive tried it before, but within a few days, the big blue eyes looking at me, and friendly ways she has, has me warming to her again.

.... big blue eyes is seriously playing with you, it seems as though she strung you along then shot you down, and she is getting ready for round 2....

If you think she has the potential to cause trouble (in what context, your job?) then why the heck would you want to continue contact with her?

[Struggling02]

Hi Bumlble bee, and thanks for your reply.

thats part of whats worrying me, I have no idea what "round 2" is... but Ive got a feeling I am NOT going to like it...

Yes, the trouble being in my job. I don't know, just little signs (I may be, and probably am, totally wrong). she doesnt seem the nasty type though, but hey you never know.

I think I may have been vulnerable after the divorce, wondering if I would ever forget my wife, move on, get with a girl ever again, and when this stunner was being VERY nice to me over and over, for months, I'm sucked straight in...

[bluesummer]

She likes the attention she's getting from you, and I think it was very cruel for her to string you along like that. Really, the way she was acting is more typical of someone who's interested in another. I have a feeling she just wanted to feel in control of a man after being horribly screwed over by her last bf. She wanted to make herself feel better by being the rejector rather than the rejectee.

Stop talking to her, seriously. She's clearly trouble.

[Struggling02]

Yes, I agree.

I think there is some truth in what you say, but maybe it wasnt so calculating as that, I think it maybe started as ringing me for a chat "made her feel better", kind of comforting. She has said many times that she is bored some evenings. I do agree that shes trouble though.

But why go to all that trouble ? she drove 50 miles last week just to have a few drinks with me, and has said that her mobile bill is costing her a fortune each month.

Maybe I am naive, or just not devious enough, but even though I am so much older, I don't understand any of it at all !!

[bluesummer]

She's dealing with her own rejection in her own way. She's chosen to deal with it this particular way, which isn't healthy. I say leave her alone to find a new outlet for her pain....you said she's pretty, there's always some sucker that will lap it up from a hot girl no matter how badly she's screwing them over.

[Struggling02]

I agree, your theory on the reason why does sound sensible. but its six months now, I don't believe anyone would do something like that for so LONG ? surely she must have copped off with a guy in a club or something before now ? Why is ringing me still the focus of her attention, for 2 hours per night ?

you know what ? I knew this would happen. Months ago when I first accepted my marriage was over, I knew I would fall for the wrong one and get really badly hurt, on top of the hurt of being divorced etc. Im so naive, soft and weak, I don't know how to deal with any of this !!

[bluesummer]

It's called rebounding, we all do it at some point in our life. You've been with one person so long, you're used to having someone around and you'll jump at the first chance to replace that comfortable feeling. At least you recognize the problem. Just be cautious with your heart. After my divorce, I entered the single world with a healthy chunk of cynicism that caused me to keep everyone I dated at arms length. I refused to allow myself to feel too much for them until they proved to me they were 'worth' it. It took many dates with more than a few men before I finally found someone that I knew was worth my time, and THEN I opened up. Just don't fall for everyone who shows you a little attention. It's the hardest thing to do on the rebound, but you need to fight it. Don't settle.

As for the length of time she's been dragging this out......who knows? I had an extremely wealthy and socially influential ex-boss who was fascinated by me for YEARS and I sorta played it up because I liked the attention, and I liked the idea that I could keep this powerful man wrapped around my finger (I was younger then), but I purposely kept him at arms length. It amused me. Now I just think it's stupid that I did that. I was on the rebound for most of that time, too. Sounds pretty similar to this girl.

I'm ashamed to admit ever thinking or acting that way, ugh.

[IndiReloaded]

Vash is right, she's too young & its work. Stop this, and yesterday.

Everything Blue said, I agree with also. This gal cares nothing for you, she's got you on a string. You probably listen to her BS about her ex, something most guys her age wouldn't do. You're comfortable, like Daddy. If you lost your job over it, I doubt she'd care.

Just slowly let contact die down. If she calls and asks, be polite but excuse yourself and say you are busy. You know, the usual 'let them down easy' stuff.

Worse case is she confronts you, in which case just tell her something about you having a daughter/niece/whatever her age and it makes you uncomfortable, that you think she is a nice, beautiful gal, you wish her happiness, blah, blah.

[Yggdrasil]

vashti, bluesummer and IndiReloaded have said everything there is to say.

Now go find yourself someone worthy of you.

[Struggling02]

Vashti, Bluesummer, indereloaded, and yggdrasil, many, many thanks for your wise, helpful and very useful words (and everyone else of course!) . They are fantastic and very sensible,with a broader "outlook" than I was seeing. I am really glad i found this site !

Its a strange one, and I don’t know how to handle it, I am no good AT ALL at these situations, I either don’t say anything and go along with it (for fear of upsetting someone), or say something, get it wrong and it ends up upsetting people and theres office atmospheres and falling outs that get out of hand.

I am on the rebound, that much is clear. just looking too hard for some company/a gorgeous young thing next to me in my local (as happened last week, she rang me to go out, then drove 30 miles to my local just for a few drinks with me)/ or she was jsut a friend and I took it too far or misread the signals. If i was just friends, well Ive f*cked it up cos I looked for more and now shes backing off etc. it did kind of hurt though as she talked about going out with other lads. I am not that naive though, spending 2 hours per night, 4-5 times per week, on the phone to someone is more than friends right ? i think the likeliest answer is that she has split from her bf, is angry and wants to let off some steam, she doesn’t have that many mates that are single or want to chat, so she kind of latched on to me (to use me, if you like, although Im giving her the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t meant so calculatingly) and I took her calls to go out for a drink/regular phone calls as a romantic interest, and Ive embarrassed myself by replying in a romantic way, only to get brutally rejected.

Im also getting so lonely sometimes that half a friend is better than none at all, and i would miss it, as mates or not, if we stopped altogether and just worked together, half a friend is better than none at all, as when shes nice, shes very nice, and I would rather have a friend than an enemy.

The forum's advice of saying its uncomfortable, having a niece has age (which is true, I have ! i never realised before), letting her down gently, is all good. thanks for that !

i dont want "non work" contact to stop altogether, but I do think some boundaries need to be set up. YES, she will confront me, she has many times in the past over smaller things than this, so your comment about the niece was perfect.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds to me like she's treated you like a Ken doll. Smooth in the front, you know? For all the actual interest she has in you, you might as well be gay. She's kept it up for so long because she's getting exactly what she wants out of it- hours and hours of undivided male attention that is, for her, completely risk-free.

You posted somewhere up there that you were questioning whether you would really forget your wife. That was a red flag to me. I think you're allowing this girl to walk all over you because it's keeping you busy so you can forget all about your divorce. I think you should spend some time DEALING with your divorce now. Figure out why it happened. Was it you or her? That kind of thing.

[Struggling02]

Hi gigabitch

I agree, that she has probably wanted some attention, "risk free", like a daddy, as someone further up has said. That makes a lot of sense and I agree.

Yes, you have hit the bullseye regarding making it "make me forget about my wife", I was sat around the house wondering if in fact I would ever get another girl, take a girl out, socialise with ladies in any way in fact ! then this girl started calling and of course I warmed to her. that was a big mistake I know understand.

I do know exactly what went wrong with my marriage, have accepted and admitted my part in it, and am getting help with that on an ongoing basis, what I did, how I can change things so it never happens again, etc etc.

thanks again for your kind and wise replies.