Should I continue relationship with girlfriend?

[sucka4love]

hi, this is my first post and it's a long story, but i'll try to get to the point. here's a little background first...

i am 27 and my girlfriend is 29. we met Nov 2007 and have been together since. she is an only child who is a strong, independent person and has almost an alpha-like personality. she speaks her mind almost everytime regardless of who the audience might be. she seems to like to have control of her surroundings and likes to plan everything out. i have more of a laid back personality and am used to doing things on the fly unless it's a big trip or event that actually requires planning.

even though my gf is independent, she is also very insecure. she doesn't have a strong family background and doesn't rely on her friends or family for much, if any, type of support. she repeatedly states that she has nobody except me.

so the story goes...
before the 6 month "honeymoon" phase was over, she became pregnant.

*** yes i know we were not careful and had an unplanned pregnancy. i have heard it all, so please refrain from bashing me for this. ***

when she found out, she told me and took 3 different tests while i was there to show me. we both knew we weren't ready (financially, relationship wise, etc), but she insisted that she would go through this with or without me and not abort. she also said she wanted to keep the baby because she loved me and having an abortion would end the relationship.

i felt abortion was wrong (morally and religiously), so decided against it. she expected us to get married immediately, which i agreed to initially because i thought it was the right thing to do, but i never comfortable or sure with it so i told her no (i'll get into this more later). i told her i did not want to marry simply because we had a child, our relationship wasn't ready for marriage, and we shouldn't rush into this. of course, she was really upset and from that point on, our relationship was on/off with a lot of arguing.

fast forward to today...
our baby is now 6 months old. i moved in and began living with my girlfriend AFTER the baby was born. we are not married.


now God knows i'm not perfect and i'll be the first to admit that i cause some problems in the relationship. with that being said, there are a lot of red flags about her that i wish i had acknowledged early in the relationship, but chose to ignore and/or thought she would change. this is why i chose not to get married to her yet. she harbors a deep hatred of me for this and for also not moving in with her during her pregnancy even though i'd visit and stay with her everyday.

among the big red flags, she has a very quick temper, short on patience, and gets frustrated easily when things don't go as planned. she also has a pride issue where she doesn't know when to turn it down. if she does, she says she "feels like she loses". she isn't the type to tell me things; she expects me to know and just do them. i also see that she feels/thinks that i don't love her enough or give any thought to her. one other thing, she is more of a perfectionist than i am.

as a result of the above, i have felt like i've been walking on eggshells throughout the relationship. i find myself constantly thinking about my decisions before going through with them wondering what might upset her or set her off next.


here are some examples...

- BEFORE she got pregnant, it was her birthday and she was in my car with a friend of mine in the backseat. i hit a nasty pothole, but it wasn't something that might've injured the passengers. having a nice set of aftermarket rims on the car, i was concerned i might have dented or warped them. my gf immediately lashed out at me, cursing me out saying i was more concerned with the car than whether or not she was injured.

- BEFORE she got pregnant, i was driving us to the library one day and missed one turn to the library. she got upset and said forget it, we're not going. all i had to do was simply turn around.

- BEFORE she got pregnant, as i stated earlier, she isn't the type to tell me what to do; she just expects me to know. if i don't meet her expectations, she gets mad and argues.

- went to the beach one day and forgot a small cooler with water and alcohol in it at the hotel we were staying at. i was supposed to bring it, but forgot as i was also carrying 3 other bags. she got confrontational in front of other friends.

- my friend had a Christmas party and i told my gf weeks in advance asking if I could go. i even asked if she wanted to go, but she declined and said she'd find something to do with her friends. party night comes and i was about to leave. she is obviously upset that i'm going, so i told her i'd stay but she said just go. i told her i'd go for an hour to say hi to friends i haven't seen for months. not more than 5 feet out the door, i hear her yelling and screaming. i come back to the apt to see her having a temper tamtrum and literally throwing a chair. of course we argue and i tell her why did u keep saying it was ok. she would argue back that i should know better than to go out while she is pregnant.

- she went on a social network (i'm not gonna say which one) and sent everyone a message talking crap about me and my parents. my parents got in her sights because they didn't approve of me marrying her especially after they heard some of the stories about her and the type of person she can be.

- we have gotten into a lot of arguments over marriage because i was unsure if i'd be happy with her.


i have to state that when we argue, she usually does all the yelling, cursing, etc. unless she really pisses me off, i won't resort to yelling back.


now the million dollar question everyone is probably asking themselves: why did i stay through all this and not leave yet?

i ask myself this everyday. first off, things weren't bad during the "honeymoon" phase. i really enjoyed her company and we had fun together. since it was so early in the relationship, i never really had any thoughts of us together in the future. and like i said, i was really really dumb and chose to ignore warning signs about her. i've even had friends tell me to stay away from her, but stupid me paying for my actions. once our baby came, it was that much harder to leave since i want to see our baby grow everyday.

as a result of having a baby together, we've been trying to work things out. we love our baby very much. despite the negatives, she can be a thoughtful caring person and has gone out of the way to make me happy. it's just that after all the arguments we've had, we're both emotionally drained and nobody seems happy for too long. i feel like we are in a bad cycle: things are ok for a bit, we have a big argument, we make up after awhile, repeat

i am now at a point where i am considering seeking couples therapy. my gf admits she has problems and is willing to go. without going into details, her past really shows why she is who she is today. i realize that even with therapy, we have to be realistic and it'll take years before anything will probably change.

i'm wondering is it worth continuing to fight to keep the relationship together...?

your thoughts on this matter?

if we separate, i'll support and be there for my child in anyway possible.

there is so much more info that it would fit a novel, but i'll spare you all the details. if you need me to clarify anything, lemme know.

[lostinconfusion]

this is a HEAVY question man. no one can really give you the right answer. personally, i spend my life watching my parents ripping each other and me and my sister apart and wondering why they didn't divorce. they've stayed together because of me and my sister and financial reasons, but have clearly told me when i was old enough, that those reasons are the only ones. personally i think everyone would have been better of if they divorced. so in my opinion, and this is just my point of view and you have to know what is right for you and your baby, i think it's better to have divorced happy parents then two living together who are yelling and cursing all the time. i don't know if you can fix her behavior, but if not it'll probably poison your calm. so to sum it up from where i stand i say move out, find a place somewhere close, be a great father for your child, be around a lot, but stay far enough from the mother to retain a positive attitude. that way your child can grow up with at least one happy parent. best of luck to you and your baby.

[will2992]

Wow... it's like ready my own relationship with my ex. Except the whole baby thing.

It's a very very hard question to answer. Pregnancy and straight birth can be very stressful for a woman, and you may have to realise this. I think couples therapy is a great idea to get yourself back together, but its never 100% foolproof and you may find out things she has been keeping from you.
Like most will say, the main thing is the child. You cannot stay with someone just because there is a baby involved, but you also cannot walk out of its life so quickly.

All i can say is good luck and hope it works out one way or another

[toastghost]

Give therapy a chance before you decide *together* to split up. We started going to therapy when it was much too late, there wasn't much left to save anymore, and splitting up was the best solution to keep everyone happy. We split when our son was a year and a half, and he's now almost 6. His Daddy is very acitve in his life and we have a solid friendship. Give it a chance, but sometimes being apart and happy is better for everyone.

[GoldenNickel22]

Sounds like she is very irritable...almost unsure. Perhaps she, like you, feels trapped by this whole pregnancy thing. See, things might have worked out or might have not, but you were forced to be together. Now she keeps finding faults in you, as if mentally proving to herself that you are not good enough for her. Having a baby from you, "doing the right thing", puts her one step above you, it's like everything went out of control and now she is this holy Mother Theresa. But we are living in a different century, and its all about choice now. If you are not happy, you will not survive as a couple or as a family. It will not be healthy for a child to see you unhappy. Anyways long story short, because you weren't long enough together to establish healthy relationship, you are now insecure - "on eggshells". You will always have to prove yourself to her, and in the end you might split anyway. The nagging doubt and fear of abandonment will never leave her, she will always resent you and blame you for this situation you are BOTH in. You can do like, therapy or whatever, but I'd say if you give it a few years and not have anymore kids, and just let the relationship as woman and man develop (rather than mommy and daddy), then this may make you stronger. only time will tell.

hi, this is my first post and it's a long story, but i'll try to get to the point. here's a little background first...

i am 27 and my girlfriend is 29. we met Nov 2007 and have been together since. she is an only child who is a strong, independent person and has almost an alpha-like personality. she speaks her mind almost everytime regardless of who the audience might be. she seems to like to have control of her surroundings and likes to plan everything out. i have more of a laid back personality and am used to doing things on the fly unless it's a big trip or event that actually requires planning.

even though my gf is independent, she is also very insecure. she doesn't have a strong family background and doesn't rely on her friends or family for much, if any, type of support. she repeatedly states that she has nobody except me.

so the story goes...
before the 6 month "honeymoon" phase was over, she became pregnant.

*** yes i know we were not careful and had an unplanned pregnancy. i have heard it all, so please refrain from bashing me for this. ***

when she found out, she told me and took 3 different tests while i was there to show me. we both knew we weren't ready (financially, relationship wise, etc), but she insisted that she would go through this with or without me and not abort. she also said she wanted to keep the baby because she loved me and having an abortion would end the relationship.

i felt abortion was wrong (morally and religiously), so decided against it. she expected us to get married immediately, which i agreed to initially because i thought it was the right thing to do, but i never comfortable or sure with it so i told her no (i'll get into this more later). i told her i did not want to marry simply because we had a child, our relationship wasn't ready for marriage, and we shouldn't rush into this. of course, she was really upset and from that point on, our relationship was on/off with a lot of arguing.

fast forward to today...
our baby is now 6 months old. i moved in and began living with my girlfriend AFTER the baby was born. we are not married.


now God knows i'm not perfect and i'll be the first to admit that i cause some problems in the relationship. with that being said, there are a lot of red flags about her that i wish i had acknowledged early in the relationship, but chose to ignore and/or thought she would change. this is why i chose not to get married to her yet. she harbors a deep hatred of me for this and for also not moving in with her during her pregnancy even though i'd visit and stay with her everyday.

among the big red flags, she has a very quick temper, short on patience, and gets frustrated easily when things don't go as planned. she also has a pride issue where she doesn't know when to turn it down. if she does, she says she "feels like she loses". she isn't the type to tell me things; she expects me to know and just do them. i also see that she feels/thinks that i don't love her enough or give any thought to her. one other thing, she is more of a perfectionist than i am.

as a result of the above, i have felt like i've been walking on eggshells throughout the relationship. i find myself constantly thinking about my decisions before going through with them wondering what might upset her or set her off next.


here are some examples...

- it was her birthday and she was in my car with a friend of mine in the backseat. i hit a nasty pothole, but it wasn't something that might've injured the passengers. having a nice set of aftermarket rims on the car, i was concerned i might have dented or warped them. my gf immediately lashed out at me, cursing me out saying i was more concerned with the car than whether or not she was injured.

- i was driving us to the library one day and missed one turn to the library. she got upset and said forget it, we're not going. all i had to do was simply turn around.

- went to the beach one day and forgot a small cooler with water and alcohol in it at the hotel we were staying at. i was supposed to bring it, but forgot as i was also carrying 3 other bags. she got confrontational in front of other friends.

- as i stated earlier, she isn't the type to tell me what to do; she just expects me to know. if i don't meet her expectations, she gets mad and argues.

- my friend had a Christmas party and i told my gf weeks in advance asking if I could go. i even asked if she wanted to go, but she declined and said she'd find something to do with her friends. party night comes and i was about to leave. she is obviously upset that i'm going, so i told her i'd stay but she said just go. i told her i'd go for an hour to say hi to friends i haven't seen for months. not more than 5 feet out the door, i hear her yelling and screaming. i come back to the apt to see her having a temper tamtrum and literally throwing a chair. of course we argue and i tell her why did u keep saying it was ok. she would argue back that i should know better than to go out while she is pregnant.

- she went on a social network (i'm not gonna say which one) and sent everyone a message talking crap about me and my parents. my parents got in her sights because they didn't approve of me marrying her especially after they heard some of the stories about her and the type of person she can be.

- we have gotten into a lot of arguments over marriage because i was unsure if i'd be happy with her.


i have to state that when we argue, she usually does all the yelling, cursing, etc. unless she really pisses me off, i won't resort to yelling back.


now the million dollar question everyone is probably asking themselves: why did i stay through all this and not leave yet?

i ask myself this everyday. first off, things weren't bad during the "honeymoon" phase. i really enjoyed her company and we had fun together. since it was so early in the relationship, i never really had any thoughts of us together in the future. and like i said, i was really really dumb and chose to ignore warning signs about her. i've even had friends tell me to stay away from her, but stupid me paying for my actions. once our baby came, it was that much harder to leave since i want to see our baby grow everyday.

as a result of having a baby together, we've been trying to work things out. we love our baby very much. despite the negatives, she can be a thoughtful caring person and has gone out of the way to make me happy. it's just that after all the arguments we've had, we're both emotionally drained and nobody seems happy for too long. i feel like we are in a bad cycle: things are ok for a bit, we have a big argument, we make up after awhile, repeat

i am now at a point where i am considering seeking couples therapy. my gf admits she has problems and is willing to go. without going into details, her past really shows why she is who she is today. i realize that even with therapy, we have to be realistic and it'll take years before anything will probably change.

i'm wondering is it worth continuing to fight to keep the relationship together...?

your thoughts on this matter?

if we separate, i'll support and be there for my child in anyway possible.

there is so much more info that it would fit a novel, but i'll spare you all the details. if you need me to clarify anything, lemme know.

[Yggdrasil]

So she expects you to read her mind. Try counseling.

[sucka4love]

thanks to those who responded. i've been too busy to post, but here's an update.

lately i'm finding that sometimes we can't even hold a conversation without arguing about something. she usually gets mad saying things along the lines of "you never understand what i'm saying. you piss me off and i don't want to talk to you about it anymore."

i don't understand her sometimes, but i never intentionally try to argue with her and i really do try to understand. she just gets frustrated easily and i can see that she doesn't want to deal with explaining something over and over to me. no i'm not dumb, it's just that some of her reasoning doesn't make sense to me at times.

anyway, we've had some more arguments since i've posted this thread about different things and some really stupid things. one argument ended really bad where she wanted to end the relationship, was cursing me out for not considering her feelings/thoughts, and threatened to call the cops on me for no reason. after this incident, she really wanted us to go seek couples therapy.

fast forward to last night, she broke down again. she found out that her friend got married who was also pregnant with an unplanned child around the same time as my gf. my gf was going on and on about how her ex bf just got married, 2 of her friends got married, and now her friend who was also pregnant got married. she argued that she never expected to wait so long for a marriage proposal. she told me how much she hates me, how unhappy she is, how she feels uncomfortable when friends and strangers ask her if she's married yet, etc

she really hates me for the fact we didn't marry immediately when she was pregnant and states that everything would have been better if we did.

i told her i never felt our relationship had a strong enough foundation for marriage and that getting married wouldn't have solved anything...maybe except put her fears of being alone and unmarried at ease.

after last nights incident, she feels that i've been blaming her for all our relationship problems and believes i am really the problem. she wants me to seek therapy by myself before she even thinks about going.

maybe i am the problem. she's upset she doesn't have a ring on her finger and not married, and i understand that. nobody wants to be left waiting and facing an unsure future. my fear is based on how our relationship has gone and don't feel marriage is the next logical step at this point.

a question before i go: in my searches for help, i finding therapists AND psychologists that specialize in mental health and marriage/family therapy. Should we seek out a therapist or psychologist? would we be better off seeing a male or female therapist/psychologist? does that matter at all?