Advice on how to get my ex g/f back

[NoThinGface]

Hello All,
My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago now, we were together for 2.5 years. And she jumped straight into another relationship 1 month after the break up, already having sex and all, which really hurts, picturing her having sex with someone else kills me. And she said after we broke up that she wasn’t in any rush to jump into another relationship, she wants to be single for awhile. I love this girl so much, I want her back in my life badly. But don’t know what to do. I was talking to her mum and I asked her if they were serious and her mum said that shes just having a bit of fun, nothing really too serious. So what does this mean She got bored of me? Or maybe want to experiment other people? Our sex life was great so I don’t think shes out there to get better sex. I asked her if she had any feelings for me at all and she said “Not Much Really” is that possible to lose love for someone and jump straight into another relationship? We were also engaged for a year, we loved each other very much. Always talking about us getting married having kids etc. 3 weeks before our break up she told me that I’m the only 1 she can see in her future. So I’m really confused. Do you think shes hurting and missing me deep in side? Shes defiantly not showing it. I asked her if I have any chance in the future and she said, “ I can’t tell the future who knows what will happen, But I’m not going to lie to myself and get back with you now” I feel I cant just let her go as I know shes the girl I want to marry! I feel so responsible for the break up aswell, ive been depressed for most of my teenage life, low self-esteem I wasn’t really happy with my self. And I got in a bad rut this last year and got really lazy, hardly ever like to go out or do things. But now ive realised the mistakes I made and fixing all my problems, I’m on Anti-Depressants now, I’m more active. But now ive left it to late I haven’t contacted her at all after finding out she got someone new, she has rang me up twice, the first time she rang we just ended up arguing. A week later she rang me up again to say I had mail there to pick up and to have a chat to see how I was and stuff. I was keeping the chat cool, as I didn’t want to push her away further from me. She was saying it was good to have a chat with me without arguing and fighting. And I saw her in town at the clubs on Saturday night, all I said to her is How Are you and she replied I’m doing good, that’s all what was said the whole night, I just want to keep things cool between us, was that a right move keeping my distance from her the whole night? I haven’t seen or talked to her since then. I’m worried shes going to compere the dude shes with now to me and see me as a mistake and how boring I really was to be with. He’s more of a sociable person, and also has work, ive been out of work for a while due to depression, but I’m looking really hard for work now! She says she would like to be friends but don’t they all say that? So I need advice on what I can do to win her back in my life. Ive already emailed her telling how I feel and to say sorry for the mistakes I made and that I’m fixing all my problems now. But she just saw right past that. I think Shes pretty set in her mind she doesn’t want me back. Do you think this is just phase she is going thro? I’m hoping that she will realise that we were perfect together and want me back, but I think my chances of that a slim. Ive still got a lot of anger and hurt that she could do this to me, but yet I still love her with all my hart and want her back badly! Should I just keep to this “No Contact” and leave it up to her to ring me? I’m scared shes going to forget all about me now shes with someone else, shes always-busy working and spending her spare time with him! So she won’t even stop to think of me. Any help and advice will be very much appreciated I need her back badly I love her so much ….thanx

[sfalexi]

Should I just keep to this “No Contact” and leave it up to her to ring me?

Yes

I’m scared shes going to forget all about me now shes with someone else, shes always-busy working and spending her spare time with him! So she won’t even stop to think of me.

Which should be a clearcut sign to move on. If she ends up wanting you back, she'll call. Otherwise, try to leave it be. Take some time off from dating if you need to, but respect the breakup and don't contact her. It's easier for the both of you (you don't get the pain of hearing her and hearing her excuses as to why she can't get together with you and she doesn't have you bothering her all the time with phone calls).

Alexi

[NoThinGface]

Thanx for responding to my post..
Yea you are right about not to call her, hearing her voice again will bring me more pain.
How about Communicating via email? theres alot of stuff i need to say to her and talking about things over the phone mite bring aruments.. i still need so much ansewres and just to clear things up a bit.. so do u think Communicating via eamil is a bad thing?

[BillyGalbreath]

um - dont take her back even if she calls you. Thats just asking for trouble.

[sfalexi]

If you really REALLY must do something. Write it out. By hand. If you don't feel good enough just writing it out, put it in an envelope and snail mail it to her. Then consider the matter wiped. There's just a certain more sense of satisfaction when you something is handwritten and since it takes longer, and you are more careful with mistakes and stuff, it's more satisfying and you get better closure.

Alexi

[Bonovox40]

She's already made her choice and is living her life like you should too. Yes, it sucks to have feelings for her still since the breakup wasn't mutual but you have to let it go. Why suffer for someone else who doesn't share the feelings you do for her? Basically, look at it like she's a complete stranger which she has become basically at least from her mind.

It's like you ran into her at a club. If she was a stranger and you were sending her emails of how you wish you could be what she wanted and how much you care, how quickly would she turn and run wondering "who is this guy?"

But she DOES know you. She knows who you are and she's made her choice to move on to other relationships. It sucks, but there's nothing you can do. You can't "get her back". SHE could make that choice, but not you and there's nothing for you to do about it but make the most of your life and move on.

When you do you'll understand how it's her loss that she left you and that you wouldn't want someone back who would jump in bed right away with someone else. Obviously, she was holding back the truth in how she felt about you for some time and that was unfair to you. If it was reversed, you should have broken up as soon as you didn't love her anymore. If she respected you she would've done it earlier. But that's moot at this point.

The thing is, you weren't ready to end it for whatever reasons. If you were, you would have emotionally/physically moved on as well. Of course there's going to be SOME feelings of loss and rejection if you do/did love/care about her.
I can't tell you how to get over her, that's up to you. HOWEVER, removing all contact/ties with her WILL help wether you believe it or not. Get rid of things that remind you of her. Pictures, gifts etc. You don't need material memories, you have your own inside your head. Don't go to the same places you know she'll be at. Hit different clubs, bars etc.

Do things for you! Live your own life as if she was never there in the first place. Take up a new hobby, join a gym or class to learn a new skill. Do you have friends or did you sacrifice them to only be with her? I recommend hanging out more with your friends or making some new ones. You should always have buddies to fall back on in times like this. It is ALWAYS harder to move on if you sit around THINKING about her and making excuses as why you're waiting to hear from you. She won't call for the reason you want so don't hope for it.

Think about it. Why would you want someone to take you back if they really don't want to give you ANY feelings? Sometimes ex's DO come back, but it's usually for their own self gratification. Never the other person's. Like perhaps she'll get burned by the next 3 guys she's with. Maybe she'll call you up and want to hang out and something might happen. Well, it's just her USING YOU for an outlet in whatever way. The key word is USED. What kind of woman would WANT to be with a guy who they know they can WALK ON over and over again and that he doesn't care as long as she's around? No reasonable woman would want a MAN like that.
I've been a sucker too. I know better now and you can learn now too. It's like a poor dog that's being abused by the owner. You're sitting outside her door and she used to feed you what you needed. But now your bowl is empty and you're hoping for just a table scrap. Just one more taste because you can smell what you remember coming from inside. But she went out and got a new dog who she gives love and affection too and lets stay inside while YOU sit out in the rain.
The thing is, you're not on a leash. You're free to go find someone who WILL give you the attention you want but you're acting like she has you on a invisable leash.
Honestly, why LET her (because YOU are) be in control of you? Nobody should EVER EVER control your emotions to where it affects your life so drastically. (anti-depression pills) I completly understand that you can be sad. Sure, we all are whenever we're rejected, even if it's a mutual breakup.
But these things you're saying "I told her how i've been fixing my problems..." you're TRYING to CHANGE for HER, not you. SHE'S the motivation to "fix" whatever those things are and that's not what should drive you. If she wasn't in your life, would you change yourself just because? Of course not. That's like saying Angelina Jolie likes guys with purple eyes, so you go out and get purple contacts. Are you ever going to get with her because of it? Of course not. Is it silly to change yourself to satisfy someone ELSE'S wants? Of course it is. Is it ok to change YOU to benefit yourself in some way? You already know these things so why are you fighting yourself?

Read what you already typed. In fact, maybe let a good buddy read it and let him be blunt with you. Another woman reading it would most likely feel sorry for you, not intrigued by you pouring your heart out.
A woman wants a man who VALUES himself. Who holds himself in high regard and who gives his feelings to those who EARN it. Why do you think she does? Does a friend who bails on you earn your thanks for bailing? Does someone who steals your wallet deserve a hug for a job well done? Does someone who removes themselves from your life DESERVE your time/energy/feelings/life?

No. If you wouldn't tolerate any of THOSE things, why tolerate her? She is NOT who you WANT her to be. If that was the case, you'd be living happily ever after. Realize that people will only change when/if they THEMSELVES want to. You are not a powerful enough force, nor will you ever be, to change someone's mind willfully. (yes people change their minds through force/fear/abuse but it's not by their own will and therefore NOT their choice)
God can't even MAKE people change their minds. Do people believe that there is a God and afterlife? Sure. Do people think that killing/stealing/lying/sin is wrong and that they could go to hell? Sure. But people do all those things everyday because they WANT to. If God can't change someone's views, why do you think you can change hers? Only person that YOU can change is YOU. Simple truths.

But i'm rambling. I'm just sorry to see you in a state I once was in a few years ago. I fortunatly had others to turn to for support and so do you and hopefully you have some close ones too. Right now, you are weak and you know that. DON'T rely just on yourself to get you through this right now. But I think you know that since you're posting here.
Right now, the best advice I can give you (and it's challenging but you can do it) is to focus and ACT, not just think, that she doesn't exist and never has. Now what makes you happy in your life right now? Friends, family, hobbies, work? Find SOMETHING that you can put some time and energy into and DO that even if you don't really feel like it. Over time it WILL get to you and the feeling of how much you really enjoy it will sink in. Like me for instance, I love bowling. I used to go with my gf (now ex) bowling all the time. When we broke up, I remembered those times and it was hard to not bowl at first. But then I realized that I loved bowling with or without her and I shouldn't give up on something that's fun to me because of a MEMORY. You shouldn't either. So now I bowl by myself some days, and with friends on other days. I'm planting NEW memories in place of old ones and I don't look back. Why should I? It's in the past, my life is now.

Your life is right NOW, TODAY! Make the most of it even if it's one new memory at a time. Feel free to post or message the forum members about anything at all. If you want a woman's point of view, Squirrley is a good bet on someone who has some life experience and maturity. (but she's not the only one of course!) ;-)
Good luck man!

[LoveFish]

The No contact rule is powerful but there comes a time when it has had the effect you wanted and brought the person back to you. If you want to go see her then go but don't bring up anything about your relationship. Just be a fun person to hang out with and see where it goes. No pressure, no fighting to heavy talk.