Steal him back?

[angelique]

First let me just say that I'm not a typical selfish person, quite the opposite actually.

I have a hard time trusting men, but when I met my x-BF it was as if I met my best friend in the whole world. He is kind of a loner type, very introverted and anxious, but we got close. I have never been in so much harmony with a man, ever. He got out the best in me and I got out the best in him, but I think we both got scared when we realized how much in love we were.

At times he would test me, as if he expected me to start some sort of crazymaking. I once dated someone with BPD so I know a lot about not knowing what to expect, and I figured he had the same kind of experiences with an ex girlfriend or an abusive parent. It would also explain his neurotic traits. I didn't say anything, but decided I'd let my (re)actions (or lack thereof) speak for themselves, I figured it would be the best way to beat trust issues. Overall I got the impression he was very unsure of himself and that he tended to cling to me in an unhealthy way. It was as if he didn't know how to act when I didn't get jealous when he was out with friends or if I didn't make decisions on his behalf.
Through my previous relationships I have realized the importance of being able to function together as two separate individuals and that it's the only healthy way, but it was as if he was used to being controlled and dominated. He was 34 at the time and had a manager position in a global consulting firm.

I work night shifts every fourth weekend, and those weekends he would fly in to the city where the companys main office is located and combine it with meetings on Fridays. I knew he had old friends there and that it would be good for him to spend time with them. He also had an apartment there and used to work there up until three years ago.

What I didn't know was that he had a girlfriend of 13 years and she was still living in his apartment. Or, their apartment. Not married, no kids, two cats and a car. Weeks went by with emotional turmoil and yelling to him for lying to me, breaking up and trying to talk through it. He insisted that this was much more than an affair to him, but at the time I was like "Yeah right, we all know how that story goes" and kept yelling.

It turned out her brother and he are best friends. There were so many problems in his own family that his girlfriends family was sort of a surrogate family for him even before he started dating her. He was understandably afraid that breaking up with the princess of the family would cost him the only safety he ever knew, and asked me to give him time. I really wasn't interested in a waiting game because I was so angry at the time and couldn't trust anything he said at that point. In the middle of this she found out about us, and he panicked and litterally jumped on the first plane.

Needless to say, I felt like the dirtiest, most worthless person in the whole world. It didn't help much that he wasn't "allowed" to talk to me ever again or said it was for the best. I would tell him he was a coward who ought to grow some backbone, and then he would defend himself saying he loved her and lecture me about the difference between love and inflatuation as if I just came from another planet. Did I believe it at the time? Yes, and I was heartbroken.

Do I still believe it? No. Confirmed by some of his friends, she is controlling and manipulative and they doubt he truly loves her. Even her facebook photo reaks from arrogance. She is doing everything she can to have him bend over backwards and prove his love and devotion to her, but I think she is fuelled more by self love than by true love for him.

Bottom line: I think it's time I start fighting for him, for us. I have nothing to lose.

She forced him to move back home so there's no way I can just accidentally run into him on the street and motivate his courage to make choices that are healthier to him. I know we are great together and I really want what's best for him, and I truly think it's much better for him to be far, far away from someone like her.

Where do I go from here? I get nowhere by being a nice girl when opposed to certain dominant princesses like her.

[Doc Durian]

He's weak and has demonstrated a prolonged period of weakness.

He either comes to you, or you suffer a lifetime of his weakness.... if either of you make it that far together.

Sorry, that's my gut talking and I've had half a bottle of Kentuckys finest this fine eve, so it may have induced a rather disheartening candor.

Hold your chin up high, and move on. You'll love and respect yourself for it later on down the road, and others will pick up on those vibes... hence why you'll meet the right person... either him fortified with self gained confidence, or a guy with no such prior problems.

Be your own best friend, girlie.

[Mish]

Where do I go from here? I get nowhere by being a nice girl when opposed to certain dominant princesses like her.

Leave him be and find someone who's available.

People are not possessions, they can't be stolen back.

[damn2008]

He is in a deep hole not only with her but with her family. It will be VERY hard...near impossible for you to pull him out. Simply because you can't...he has to do it himself and HE has to be the one who wants the change.

[IndiReloaded]

Ewww, why would you even want to? I think you can do much better than him. He sounds like a controlling, emotional vacuum. Those types never change.

[Gigabitch]

Ewww, why would you even want to? I think you can do much better than him. He sounds like a controlling, emotional vacuum. Those types never change.

Exactly! It's like you're fighting over a rotting carcass. Bleeah. let her have him.

[angelique]

He's weak and has demonstrated a prolonged period of weakness.

I agree.

The problem is that his pride prevents him from realizing it.

He either comes to you, or you suffer a lifetime of his weakness.... if either of you make it that far together.

I get your point, but given he can grow stronger in a less supressive environment?

How would he even think he has a chance with me anymore? I told him I never wanted to see him again and thinks I can't forgive him for lying to me.

I mean, everyone can change and grow, right? Together with me he was growing. He was happy. He was probably just scared and not knowing how to control himself when the other doesn't control him.

Now he's so embarrassed. If I say straight out that I know he's whipped by his gf and so on, his pride will just make him try to convince me it's not like that. I just know it. Given he just needs a tiny encouragement, what should I say to him?

He's not even "allowed" to talk to me!

Hold your chin up high, and move on. You'll love and respect yourself for it later on down the road, and others will pick up on those vibes... hence why you'll meet the right person... either him fortified with self gained confidence, or a guy with no such prior problems. Be your own best friend, girlie.

That's how I met him in the first place, so... Confident, self respecting women attract cowards?

[Doc Durian]

If you want to make excuses for him, then go right ahead. He's with her and from as far as I can gather, he's not chained up in their basement.

I've got nothing else to add to that.

Good luck

[bluesummer]

Regardless of her behaviour and the situation of the family, he's still his own man and should have the balls to stand up for himself. He also should know better than to get involved with someone else when he can't sort his own shit out. If he cared at all, he wouldn't have dragged you into the middle of this drama in the first place. He would've broke up with his gf and then went relationship hunting when he'd departed with his baggage. Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

[angelique]

Leave him be and find someone who's available.

People are not possessions, they can't be stolen back.

I try, but it's hard. I would never willingly enter a relationship with him if I knew it would be like this. I thought he was available. Then I thought he was mine, for several months.

2, No worries, the title of my post was intended for attention only. But people can be encouraged and motivated. I don't know where I would be today if people in my life had given up on me 10 years ago.

[angelique]

He is in a deep hole not only with her but with her family. It will be VERY hard...near impossible for you to pull him out. Simply because you can't...he has to do it himself and HE has to be the one who wants the change.

I know. I think he wants the change, but he is scared so he chooses the path of least resistance. He thought I'd never forgive him for lying to me and now he thinks he doesn't deserve me anyway.

Any ideas to what I can say or do to motivate and support him?

[angelique]

He sounds like a controlling, emotional vacuum. Those types never change.

Interesting. I have thought about it too, but nothing makes sense to me right now. What makes you think he's like that, from what I write? I have no experience with such people as far as I know. How does their mind work and how come they don't want to live a happy life?

[angelique]

Exactly! It's like you're fighting over a rotting carcass. Bleeah. let her have him.

But... but.... I really want to be proven wrong

[angelique]

If you want to make excuses for him, then go right ahead. He's with her and from as far as I can gather, he's not chained up in their basement.

For several months now I haven't made a single excuse. I have been merciless, cold and judging.

But you know, if you are chained up long enough you don't even need a chain anymore. I was in his shoes a decade ago, and the only reason I got away was that my family got me a restraining order because they were afraid my then bf was going to kill me. When I look back it wasn't the violence that kept me "chained", but some kind of mental power he had over me. If I had fallen in love with someone else at the time, I don't think I would have had the courage to leave him just like that, even if he hadn't been instable, because the "safety" of his control was more important to me then than freedom and real love, and I had no hopes, no will anymore. (Yes, I have had hours and hours of therapy)

[angelique]

Regardless of her behaviour and the situation of the family, he's still his own man and should have the balls to stand up for himself. He also should know better than to get involved with someone else when he can't sort his own shit out. If he cared at all, he wouldn't have dragged you into the middle of this drama in the first place. He would've broke up with his gf and then went relationship hunting when he'd departed with his baggage. Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

I totally agree. I have told him a hundred times, yelled it, you name it, and he knows it as well. He should have known better and he acted incredibly selfishly. He's ashamed.

He had accepted that this was how his life was going to be, that women were difficult and that he would just have to stick with it for the rest of his life, and he didn't expect to ever meet someone like me. Unfortunately most people don't break up with people when the relationship is "tolerable", they blame the dysfunction on highs and lows and keep going, especially when they are heavily involved with the in-laws and none of their friends are single. I wish the world was different, but I have realized that that's the way it is for most people. You know what you have....

It took me several years of relationship hunting before I met him. It feels right, and I am (was) a better person when I'm with him. So he made a terrible mistake, but who doesn't, in real life compared to morality dreamland? I judged him and drove him away. His friends have known him for many, many years and speak well of him.

Can you at least understand that I'm even considering it?