Is it possible for a guy to just...not have any fantasies?

[dontwaystewine]

Hi all,
I'm 22 and i've been with my boyfriend who is 24 for 3 years now and everything is going wonderful, however i'm starting to get a little concerned with how he feels about the "bedroom". He will talk about and is open about anything and everything...except sexual things. He is SO shy about everything to do with the deed. After 3 years, he still doesn't like to get completely naked, is weird about "covering" himself when we're doing it, to the point of where the covers are always on and the lights are always off. He is completely silent through the whole thing, and doesn't like any positions out of the ordinary me on top or him on top. Ive been fine with it for awhile I guess I figured with time he would open up a bit...but he is not. I've tried talking to him to find out what he likes, tell him what i like, suggest very mild kinky things like dressing up or light role play or toys, and he just gets real nervous kinda and laughs and just says that stuff is too "silly" for him to ever take seriously and changes the subject. Way to make me feel like an idiot for suggesting! When I ask him what he likes then, he just says we do what he likes, and thats it. I've tried coaxing him for hours saying, "you HAVE to have SOME personal fantasy, what the hell is it? What do you think about when you masterbate?!" and he just says that he has no "fantasies" and he just thinks about "regular" sex like what we do. Its getting frustrating because I don't know if I'm just doing something wrong, I mean I know that I'm not unattractive face and body wise, and he has a smokin hot body, so why wouldn't he ever want the lights on or covers off? Maybe I am a beast and don't know it haha...but seriously, guys, is it possible for a man to have absolutely no sexual desires or thoughts apart from missionary with the lights off and covers on?

I just don't know what else I can do. I've even asked him if he wants to go buy any porn magazines in hopes that I can catch a glimpse at what he looks at to get turned on...but nothing. I am only the 3rd girl he's been with, and the first to be in a long term relationship with him, and I don't think his other gals did anything except starfish mode in bed. I don't want to just force something different in bed and freak him out and lose the moment, or embarrass him or make him feel lame for it, because what we do do, is really enjoyable and good and often, but I guess after awhile I just want something a little more...adventurous!

Anyway thanks for the advice!

Jordan

[JohnnyGileaid]

Maybe someone else can shed some light on this. I personally can not understand that, especially if you are the one initiating it -- it's not like you want to do anything completely crazy.

It sounds to me like he may have some serious issue from a long time ago. Was he ever sexually abused or anything like that when he was younger? It seems really strange to me that he wouldn't want to get completely naked, especially after THREE YEARS! Does he have some weird growth down there or something?

Hopefully someone else can help you.

[dontwaystewine]

hah thanks for the reply, no he is completely normal and actually well endowed down there...nothing to give him any reason to think otherwise.

As far as the abuse thing no he was never sexually abused, but one thing that I was thinking that could have an impact is that his mom was/is a stripper and has been since he was born when she was only 18. He tells me that his whole childhood he just remembers his mom and all her stripper friends doing drugs naked around him, and bringing their sleazy guys over to bang in his house...while he watched cartoons and ate his cereal, he hates talking about it and the few times he has you can tell he's just really bitter and almost sounds embarrassed to tell me thats what he remembers. He hates strip bars now and anything to do with them...doesn't even talk to his mom anymore. Honestly if something abuse wise ever did happen to him I think he would tell me...but i'm not positive since he's so bitter about talking about that part of his life. Thats no good way to be raised of course, so maybe that tainted his view of sex visually?

[SAVANAH]

I think that could possible be the reason, three years is a long time to still have issues about being naked with you, you might want to consider persuading him to get some counseling, he clearly is scarred anybody would be considering his past.

Maybe some one on one sessions and some as a couple, it's unhealthy for him to be living this way, it obviously has a impact on his life and right now you are probably the only person he will listen to, help him.

[Yggdrasil]

In my opinion there's a twofold issue here:

1. He's ashamed of his body. This (toxic) shame probably has been placed onto him by parents or peers, or a combination of both. He'll have to learn to overcome this fear.

2. Sexual (toxic) shame. Most likely comming from the same origins. Again, he'll have to overcome this.

How can you be helpfull?

By gently encouraging him, step by step, little by little, that it's ok to experiment, it's ok to be naked, by telling him that he has a great looking body, etc.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's some religious stuff sitting in the background here on top off all this.

What one has to understand is that this (toxic) shame is undermining his self esteem and self worth.

Hope this makes sense.

Good luck.

[JohnnyGileaid]

dontwaystewine, I'm pretty sure that would be considered a form of sexual abuse, and would definitely be a dramatic experience that could cause some serious long term emotional side effects.

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I heard that people develop phobias when they are young, between the ages of 3-5ish. For me, I am ridiculously afraid of needles/shots/bloodtests because of an experience I had when I was around that age -- like completely irrationally afraid and I know it, but I can't seem to get over it.

He may need to talk to a professional about his past, it doesn't sound healthy at all.

[Charlie Boy II]

he just remembers his mom and all her stripper friends doing drugs naked around him,

it's wrong, but that sounds pretty hot.

[Gigabitch]

Ugh. He's got some major issues and you don't seem to be very interested in understanding them, just changing him. This may be a bigger problem than you can handle. He needs someone to be extremely patient with his limitations and someone who can work with him, and you sound bored already.

[dontwaystewine]

not bored, just looking for help and suggestions. I will be as patient as he needs thanks for the reply and input!

[IndiReloaded]

Sure he's got issues around sex. What kid wouldn't from that kind of upbringing?

I bet he wants you to strip for him. But he'll never admit it. He's got some odd sex/mom/clean/unclean issues there, I'd bet anything.

Talk to him about this. Gently. Emphasize the 'normal' in fun sexual activity. Or send him here.

[CAM]

Sure he's got issues around sex. What kid wouldn't from that kind of upbringing?

I bet he wants you to strip for him. But he'll never admit it. He's got some odd sex/mom/clean/unclean issues there, I'd bet anything.

Talk to him about this. Gently. Emphasize the 'normal' in fun sexual activity. Or send him here.

His issues are very understandable to me. Yes, its the clean/unclean aspect of things. Also, he's emotionally hollow. Don't try to fill the void for him--he'll have to do that himself.

[vashti]

It sounds like he associates open sexuality and nudity with his mother. What a rotten thing she did to him! I don't blame him for hating her.

I think he needs your understanding, not pressure to make up fantasies. He says he is happy with your sex life; believe him. If YOU aren't happy, then decide whether or not you are willing to continue on with it.

[tito]

Hello Madame

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Ms Modek regarding him and the patient so that the bend Tamelih all try to love and understanding you need in this situation or this method in practice and Bink Akbreh not enjoy this, but the way in which Thabaynha

[Aeradalia]

Children learn so many things from their parents... the beginnings of sexuality are among them. Apparently he has had contradictory views of sexuality... his mother showed how degrading men can be to women... how a weak woman would allow that.... and then the rest of the world (media, school, friends... etc) have shown that a man is suppose to be far more respectful towards women.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little afraid that he'll become just as degrading as the men his mother used to entertain, and is trying to be the exact opposite of that. So much so, that he's not taking the time to realize how he naturally is.

With you insisting that he becomes more kinky... all you're doing is reminding him of his mother... and his confusing, hurtful childhood. He's being a "good boy" and that's not good enough for you... and he won't be able to understand why.

Also, I've learned that although guys may like for a woman to occasionally be forward with sex... they also like to 'chase' in regards to sex. They like to initiate... and with a guy who has problems like this... he'll need to initiate sex, just to be certain to himself that this is really what he wants --- that he's not being coerced.

I don't think you'll really be able to help him... he's struggling with trying to understand if it's him that controls his sexuality or if it's his sexuality that controls him. And he blames his mother and upbringing for this confusion -- a blame that can easily be placed on anyone who reminds him of his mother, like a 'pushy' girlfriend.

He'll need therapy... and a ton of motivation...

[amack]

"I don't want to just force something different in bed and freak him out and lose the moment, or embarrass him or make him feel lame for it, because what we do do, is really enjoyable and good and often, but I guess after awhile I just want something a little more...adventurous!"

If you coax him for hours I am sure he is feeling a lot of pressure from you & a bit embarrassed. Obviously he's uncomfortable enough. Especially given his horrific, & no doubt scarring, "upbringing." I can't blame him for being the way he is. Poor guy.

If the sex is enjoyable & good as it is decide if you can live with that. Because you will have to, at least for now. I agree with other PP's, he should get couseling to help him deal with his childhood. But even if he does don't expect for him to whip out the handcuffs 3 weeks in. It can take a long time.

You have to be patient & understanding. He had a very traumatic childhood & needs to know that you still love him regardless. I'd stop the adventurous talk & focus on helping him with his issues. Be the patient, supportive, loving girlfriend he needs.