When Friendship ends

[Rollerderby]

I have known my best friend since I was two years old. We've had our differences over the years, but of late it has been much better. She and I have called each other sisters for years. And in many ways with all we've been through, she is my blood relation.

Last night, and argument that started between her and her boyfriend, became our argument. I stayed away from their fight, but she kept trying to drag me in and I did my best to ignore it. I finally told her to "stop" and to come sit next to me, which she refused.

She has control issues. Whenever we have had problems in the past, a lot of it is due to her controlling the fight by walking away and not dealing with it, or coming up with a million and a half reasons why she is right and I am wrong. Excuses abound. There are reasons to fill an ocean. I put her on the spot.

I got upset, and asked her why she wouldn't come sit with me? She could only say that she preferred to stand. I asked her flat out why she felt the continued need to control this situation, and why, as a guest in my house, she couldn't come sit with me for a moment. She wouldn't answer and I felt as though the argument she was having with her boyfriend switched gears towards me. She couldn't control the problems they were having. She told me I was drunk, but literally minutes before she was ready to pass out on my couch. She said her and her boyfriend were going to leave, so I told her I was going to take her keys. She pulled them back with her hand, and I grabbed her shirt to get them from her. She got very upset and told me that "she would never touch me" and walked out of the house. Granted, I shouldn't have put my hands on her, but I felt as though she was making it a bigger deal than it was in order to find a reason to leave. I think I hit a soft spot when I accused her of having control issues.

I went outside after her and said, "listen, I didn't push you, or touch your physical body, please stop overreacting." I'm not some 230 lb. guy who is physically intimidating, I'm a bit taller than she, but she has more width. She told me she had called her parents to come and get her. But I would be allowed to come and wait with them at the end of the driveway.

I felt like a little kid getting punished. I looked her dead in the eye and told her how much she has hurt me over the years, and how I have felt captive to her mind games. Of all our childhood years growing up together, I never took the keys out of her hands, and I should have. I felt like I was being punished for trying to do something right. She has always told me how drunk I get, but I had had less than she that night. It's almost as if she will come and tell me all the things I have done wrong in life, and how I should change, and do things differently. Basically, I am not allowed to be myself. My feelings are never validated. I felt really pissed that her argument with her bf somehow got transferred to me.

I stormed inside. I went back out, crying, saying how angry she makes me, and sometimes she drives me so mad that I hate her, but that in spite of everything I still love her and she is my sister, but I don't understand why she can't love me unconditionally the way I love her. She walked away from me and sat on the sidewalk and wouldn't look at me.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I had just given her the utmost respect by completely ignoring her fight with her bf, and this is my thanks. I can't hate you now for how you treat me? Even though I still love you in the morning, noon and night? Every relationship, people piss each other off, but if you can't fight and work it out, something is wrong. I was literally standing in my driveway, my arms outstretched, just saying, "I just told you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me, and you walk away from me. Even now, if you got up and came to hug me, I would forgive you." But she wouldn't. She told me in some soft spoken voice that she would always love me, and I would always be her sister, but she wouldn't come hug me and tell me she loved me. She would not humble herself, even a little, to come and give me comfort.

I seriously felt like I was stuck in some Tennessee Williams play, standing under the street light, with her downstage left from me ignoring my sobs. Of all the times in my life I have needed her, she seems to be somewhere else.

I know I said some harsh things to hear. Harsh for her, because this "wasn't an appropriate moment" to talk about this." I asked her what an appropriate moment is? Family gatherings? Lunch out? There is never an appropriate moment in western culture to show pain and hurt from a relationship. Unless it's trashy talk TV. I have kept feelings of pain in this relationship quiet for so many years that once they started flowing out of me, I couldn't stop.

I told her, that this would probably be the last time she would see me. That this moment, would haunt her. All I wanted was to know she loved me, to really show it, and she sat on the sidewalk ignoring me, smoking a cigarette. Her bf wasn't defending her, he walked away. I told her, that how could she know what love is, being a social worker, where it's safe to care. You don't have to get hurt caring about people from a distance. How can you know what love is, when someone who has been this close to you your entire life, is pleading for you to show you care, and you turn a blind eye?

I feel like her way of keeping control is to never get angry. She "never gets angry" but I wish she would. I would rather have her scream at the top of her lungs at me. Because then I could feel that she cared. This is just deadness. Numbness. I was angry because I care. Because I care that she has hurt me before, hurt me last night, and I want some friggin respect. I wanted to know, that my best friend, who I would die for, felt like I was dying for as my emotions bled out in front of me, was worth it. I said, I guess it's better to know now at 23 that you don't love me or need me as much as I do you. Better than when we are 80 and dying, that I find this out.

I often have felt condescended to. There are times when she has treated me more like a child than a friend. Yet all her other friends seem to get different privileges. I always feel like she has never really accepted me for who I am. And that hurts. That makes me feel like I need to hide who I am. Sure, I can put on a nice face for the world, act cordially and get invited to all the parties because superficiality is easy to fake. But lately, I feel like I've been dying inside because of it all. I am growing up, and seeing the world for the first time as the cruel hard loveless place it can be, and I just wanted so badly to know that someone won't give up on me.

My father died last year. Now I feel like my sister is gone. I feel betrayed. I feel cold inside. So cold, I don't even know how to cry right now to let it out. Sure, this is drama. Drama for your mama. But this isn't a typical girl-girl fight. This was like a death. Where is the honor? The love? I'm not a perfect person, but is somebody gonna accept me for me? If not a best friend, than who? I feel like a piece of my heart has been cut out.

[Yggdrasil]

I know you're a smart cookie so this is what it breaks down to as far as I am concerned:

- Change the locks.

- Educate yourself on passive agressive behaviour.

- Have a long good cry to cope with the situation.

- Take things easy.

- Learn to love yourself the way you are.

[Rollerderby]

Oh. My. God.

I just read three different websites traits on Passive Aggressive behavior. Holy shit. I can't believe I never realized this before.

I remember when we were young once. Her mom was driving us somewhere, and she did something to hurt me. I pushed her back, or something, so she told her mom on me. I told her mom what she did, and her mom demanded that she apologize. Weird how I never got that apology.

She lost a ring of mine a few weeks ago, and promised me she would reimburse me if she couldn't find it. When she came to pick her keys up at the door today, I didn't answer, I just left them with a note asking her to please mail me the books of mine she had, and if she couldn't find the ring, to mail me a check for X amount.

My mom even said that she questioned whether I would see either. It does feel like a form of punishment. Whatever, I can live without those things if that is her way to try an have some control over me. After reading those pages, I am totally not surprised by her reaction. It is weird that she never gets mad, but she has always found ways to make me feel like absolute shit, and all with a smile on her face! "because she loves me and is trying to help me."

Wow. Just wow.

[Rollerderby]

Thank you Indi. Whether the truth hurts, or not, I'd rather live my life without blinders on.

[Mish]

Derby, I'm sorry to hear about issue with your friend.

Though, I will be blunt with you. The sequence of events you described is pretty overwhelming. I will admit, I don't understand a couple of things that transpired:

1. Why did you engage your friend while she was having an argument with her bf?
2. Why did you forcefully reach for her keys?
3. After they decided to leave, why did you go after them and continued to engage her?
4. After you went inside the house, why did you go back outside to engage her again?
5. Why did you need to plead with her with outstretched arms?

I mean, don't you ever just give it a rest? Don't you believe in when emotions run high it's best to just cool down and walk away and then if necessary continue again in the future with a clearer head?

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I just see that the events didn't have to go down that road, this situation could have easily been prevented.


Well, it could be for the best.

[Rollerderby]

1. I didn't engage her, she engaged me.
2. Because she pulled away. I didn't have her by the shirt, holding her six inches above the ground, I grabbed her shirt, to get to the keys in her hand.
3-5 This is a pattern Mish. I've known this girl my entire life. I know her better than my mother knows me sometimes. At least i thought I did.

While some maybe believe that it's best to let things cool down and talk, I don't always agree. It escalated very quickly, and I was getting blamed for reasons I couldn't see. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was the bad guy. Don't you see? The argument literally shifted within minutes from him and her to her and me. Somehow. I have no idea how that happened. She literally turned to me, and then suddenly found a way to engage in a power struggle. My theory is that her power struggle with her bf wasn't working, so because I have given into her in the past, I'm easier to control.

I kept engaging because I push people when I love them. I didn't want to end the night badly, when I didn't even understand how it went wrong so quickly. I tried to come out and to tell her I love her and that as hard as it can be sometimes, I still love her.

She turned away from me. Would not look at me. Would not comfort me.

This is not just my girl friend. We don't just sit and drink wine sometimes and talk about life. This person has been closer to my heart than certain boyfriends. It's not romantic, just in case you are wondering. This is like a mother turning their back on their child. That's what it felt like.

I felt highly betrayed. Yes, it didn't have to go that way, but every situation is in her control. For years. I mean, you chase someone down to tell them you love them, completely vulnerable to them, and they coldly turn away as if they can't even hear you. This situation would have happened eventually. If you re-read my first post, you will see that I mention that this pattern of events is not the first.

Do I ever give it a rest? Yes! Of course I do. In fact, I am usually the peace keeper. The first to apologize. The first to find a way to make it better. I realized that when I am right, and I peace keep I have invalidated myself for feeling a certain way. I'd like to believe that all things can be solved with clear headed rationalization. But you see, she wins those conversations. All the time, that's why we never duke it out in the heat of the moment. Give it a day, and she will come up with an argument that Johnny Cochrane can't beat. So I'm always wrong. Even when, in the pit of my stomach, something tells me it's all a load of bullshit.

I pushed the buck. Sometimes you have to. And I believe that when you truly love someone, anyone, that you can fight it out because it's just fighting. I love her to death, and I told her that as much as I can hate her, I still love her, in spite of it. That's love. And apparently, I'm not important enough to fight for.

[Junket]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I just see that the events didn't have to go down that road, this situation could have easily been prevented.

Do you walk around with a hardhat and neon reflective vest?

[ecojeanne]

tbh it sounds like you were both drunk and had a sister fight. eventually you'll both get over it. can't you see that you annoyed her right when she was in the middle of a 'to do' with her bf. that would annoy a saint. she wasn't a guest as such if you consider her your sister, jus sayin' maybe you both over-reacted and acted like a pair of jerry springer eejits. time heals everything.

[Yggdrasil]

Oh. My. God.

I just read three different websites traits on Passive Aggressive behavior. Holy shit. I can't believe I never realized this before.

Wow. Just wow.

Yeah that's quite an eyeopener eh?

[ecojeanne]

and yet again Ygg is diagnosing everyone lol

[Mish]

I pushed the buck. Sometimes you have to. And I believe that when you truly love someone, anyone, that you can fight it out because it's just fighting.

Well, sometimes when you fight it out things like these happen and then it's hard to go back to how it was.


I'm sorry that your friend turned on you like that. I know it hurts the deepest when it's from someone close.

[lovesjoyajm]

Derby -

All I can give is my sympathy about what happened. I just thought about my relationship with my best friend, who is also like a sister to me (even has the same name as my twin sister), and what it would be like to go through something like this with her, and I think I can easily come close to imagining how terrible this argument must have been! I've honestly thought before that I don't know if I could keep on living if something happened to our friendship.
The only thing I can offer is the reminder that friendships and relationships always grow and change with time and maturity. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a good change. But if you are growing and maturing and your friendship is stagnating, something is wrong. Maybe this could be a turning point in which your friend will have more respect for you or recognize her behavior, or you will learn what is safe to trust your friend with.

Good luck. *hugs*

[Yggdrasil]

and yet again Ygg is diagnosing everyone lol

Only creating awareness my dear.

[vashti]

I agree with mish. Why would you bother arguing with a drunk person? Oh, I know... because you were drinking, too! I wouldn't take a single word a drunk person said seriously.

It doesn't sound like alcohol is a good addition to this friendship. She gets argumentative, and you get weepy, philosophical, and victimized. The only people who should drink are happy drunks, like Illusional.

[Charlie Boy II]

sounds like typical bullshit drama, to me. You both sound like idiots.