I try to improve my life but nothing works

[Chihaya]

Hello to everyone. I am a guy in his mid-twenties who has had a painful past. In high school I had to cope with years of bullying and it left very sore memories in my minds. At community college I quickly fell ill without knowing why; for a few years straight I'd be unable to complete any semester. Ultimately I gave up. A bit later, in 2004 or so, I finally had a proper diagnosis for the illness. A recovery process began to free me from the pain I felt.

This was a very dark period of my life. I spent weeks, sometimes months straight in hospitals waiting while doing nothing. Sometimes the medical personal was very cruel and uncaring towards me and I felt intimidated. At the same time when I spent time in my family at some point they got aggressive towards me, sometimes hitting me and screaming at me. Whenever I asked my mother to reason with my other family members, she'd somehow turn the blame back on me. At that time I felt such constant pain I was unable to go outside, watch TV or listen to any music, or go anywhere. It was a year and a half period where my own family members turned very nasty towards me and no one ever took my defense. Now I have a healthier relationship with my family, but they never admitted to doing anything wrong and in the back of my mind there's always some malaise whenever dealing with them.

In mid-2005 or so the cure began to work. In late 2005, I could begin to live somewhat of a normal life. By early 2007 I could pretty much do anything. As I was fed up of living at home, I moved out and got accepted to a college with a good reputation. At that point I had been almost completely introverted and without friends for 7 years. I set out to turn a life around, become a man and get a gf at last.

I'm going to graduate in 10 months, my grades are good, and my job prospects promising. I made friends, took good care of my appearance, got rid of my shyness and social anxiety, learned to act like a man, had my temperament morph into that of an extroverted, confident guy unafraid to speak in mind, learned to function socially... thoughts I never thought to be possible just two years ago. I'm also going to get a driving license.

Yet I fail to get a girlfriend. I asked a few girls out, didn't took the rejections too badly, got a few flakes, and dates that never went further. Ultimately I'm always left to my lonely apartment with my cat and the loneliness eats away at me. I've always learned to function independently and to like myself, and enjoy doing stuff by myself, but there are limits to the time one can spend by himself before it becomes depressing as all hell. It gives me constant feelings of nastiness and inadequacy, that thankfully don't last, but ultimately spoil most of my days. I have hobbies that make me constantly enthralled and passionate but it's often the same thing.

Sometimes I feel like that past is too much of a burden to bear, as if it had scarred me for life. Like no matter how hard I try to focus on positivity and self-improvement it always lies waiting to spook me out when I put my guard down. I'm a peppy individual who speaks very bluntly and confidently and is afraid of few things, and yet datelessness will always show its ugly rear and kill off my smile. I feel really bad when I see couples at the mall, to then go back alone as always. I don't know anyone in this town and have no one to turn to. A few months ago I broke my ankle and was forced to crawl on the boardwalk for an hour up to the hospital.

I've really gotten to crave social contacts but my entourage doesn't seem to be all that willing to let me in. I have a few friends I meet regularly but it doesn't go much beyond that. Right now it's the summer and I'm struggling to find something to do. I sent many job resumes who were all left unanswered. I tried to apply to as many volunteering opportunities as possible but either it doesn't pan out or it doesn't give me the opportunity to interact with others in any meaningful way. I constantly seek some sort of social outlet but am never able to find any. I tried almost all the social clubs at the college but they're always controlled by a clique and I never get to put a word in. I sure like to explore this town and take long walks but it can be very frustrating to always do these things alone. My few friends are very rarely available to do things with me, much to my dismay. My class is composed mostly of girls but as much as I try to let out my interesting, cool, confident side I can never keep their attention for long. So much that I don't think I'll attend graduation, as I almost don't know anyone and it would just be a very awkward experience.

It does seem like dating opportunities dwindle significantly one you begin working so as much as I try to remain carefree I'm greatly concerned about my future. I just want to enjoy the same perks as any other normal man.

[LoveHurts09]

so u're being fake and trying too hard?

[Yggdrasil]

Try less, live more.

[Chihaya]

so u're being fake and trying too hard?

I'm not being fake, this is how my personality naturally turned out in these last few years. I'm not putting any play. And this is something that I'm really proud of.

Try less, live more.

What's that supposed to mean? I don't spend all that much time trying new things and being serious, focused about my future. Simply being laid-back and enjoying life is just as important to me. Only neither things yield much of anything, and a lot of time passes while I still remain by myself. I'm almost done with college now.

[LoveHurts09]

My class is composed mostly of girls but as much as I try to let out my interesting, cool, confident side I can never keep their attention for long.

not being fake or trying too hard? ur sure?

[Chihaya]

Uh, yeah, I don't play a role, I come to life when I am with other people.

Everyone in class seems pretty receptive to me but the class is made out of small cliques of people who already knew each other from previous school, and it seems very hard to break into any of them.