Can't give her what she needs?

[Graham Berkeley]

Hi. I'd like to get a womans prospective on this. I am 26 and my Ex is 24. She told me last night that she doesn't think I ever really loved her.

She said "You can never let anything go. If you really and truly loved me you would let the times I'm angry and call you names and say hurtful things roll off your back. If you really loved me you would be someone I could confide in."

She doesn't think she can confide in me because when she decided to tell me about a recent bad date where she felt really uncomfortable with a guy. I told her I was worried for her and if this was an attempt to make me jealous it was low of her. Of course that made her hit the roof.

I see her get what she wants from her brother and her best guy friend. Someone who is just always there to provide comfort and support no matter what she does or what she says when shes mad. Someone who just kinda smiles and pats her on the head when she gets emotional and irrational and begins to take her anger out on them.

What I want to know is am I doing something wrong? Is part of being a loving provider not caring when your lover takes their frustrations out on you verbally? She says such crushing things to me I don't know what to believe anymore. Makes me feel like I am a horrible person because im not strong and confident enough to ignore her when she takes her anger out on me...

[SAVANAH]

Seems to me she's the kind of girl with heavy mood swings and can't control her temper.
And your the kind of guy that brings up things of the past, like how hurtful she was a while back and so on.

She's your ex right? so whats the big deal, was the break up recent why are you two discussing such things if you two are broken up, this post is unclear, but from what I can tell is that when she tries to confide in you all she wants is for you to listen and give a little feedback but not blaming whatever on her and instead wants you to take her side, seems like she doesn't respond well to criticism.

Also like I said you need to stop throwing past incidents in her face, whether it happened yesterday or last month, when he topic is closed and dealt with leave it at that.

Maybe you can give more details to your situation as this is a bit hazy

[Graham Berkeley]

We broke up six months ago. From my understanding it is and was over and I'm okay with it. I usually don't bring up the past with her.

I live 30 miles from her. I've gone visit her to maintain a friendship as we both wanted when we broke up. Every time I see her we have a great time as friends and then when we hug and part ways she becomes hysterical and begins saying crushing things. This usually spawns the topic of the relationship.

I don't throw anything in her face. She ends each "hang out" with a sudden list of all the things that make me the scum of the universe and how glad she is to have figured out who i was before she married me. All 3 times I hug her and rub her back and then she storms out all angry...

The reason I'm torn up is I will always love her and it hurts so bad when she says these things. Truth is not many guys would have gone this far with her. But then if she were to hear me say that she would call me selfish and immature and tell me how no real man would ever say such a rude thing.

[Yggdrasil]

If you really and truly loved me you would let the times I'm angry and call you names and say hurtful things roll off your back.

What she is really saying there is: "let me verbally and emotionaly abuse you."

I told her I was worried for her and if this was an attempt to make me jealous it was low of her. Of course that made her hit the roof.

What she is really saying there is: "your feelings don't count and opinions don't count."

I see her get what she wants from her brother and her best guy friend. Someone who is just always there to provide comfort and support no matter what she does or what she says when shes mad. Someone who just kinda smiles and pats her on the head when she gets emotional and irrational and begins to take her anger out on them.

What's really happening there is that her abusive behaviour is being enabled and encouraged.

What I want to know is am I doing something wrong? Is part of being a loving provider not caring when your lover takes their frustrations out on you verbally? She says such crushing things to me I don't know what to believe anymore. Makes me feel like I am a horrible person because im not strong and confident enough to ignore her when she takes her anger out on me...

Nothing wrong with you, a lot wrong with her.

Break all contact with this person, immediately. Tell her in not to be misunderstood terms, that you are no longer available to her and if she in any way contacts you, you will have law enforcement involved. Get a restraining order if needed.

Find a counselor and go counseling. You have to talk to a professional about this in order to understand fully how this is affecting you and how it will affect your future life and possible future relations.

An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.

[vashti]

Any time someone starts a sentence with "if you loved me, you'd..." they are manipulating you. She sounds like a nasty bitch. Cut her loose.

BTW - you shouldn't really need to ask other people whether or not you should tolerate bad behavior. Just ask yourself if you could ever see yourself treating people this way, and if the answer is "no", then they should not be doing it to you.

[Graham Berkeley]

She wasn't always like this. We were together for 1.5 years and I knew her as a friend for a year before that and she wasn't like this till the last 2 months of our relationship. She tells me she doesn't feel guilty for the things she says to me because I deserve them for what I did to her in the relationship. If I was such a bad guy to her why did have such a great relationship for so long and why did she still want to be friends afterward?

Maybe I deserve some of what she is doing?

[IndiReloaded]

Did you learn anything from this relationship?

Take that & move on. Guilt is highly overrated. There is no point to continuing these exchanges with her. They are not about mutual understanding & moving forward to solve your issues, they are about 'she's right & you were wrong'. Things are rarely that one-sided. If its over, act like it & stop arguing already.

[Graham Berkeley]

I just want her to stop acting this way. I left her because of the treatment not because I didn't love or want to be with her.

I wish she would just stop and maybe things could be fixed.

[IndiReloaded]

Breaking up with someone as a way of getting them to change their behaviour is manipulation too, I should point out. Its not negotiating in good faith. Its = "I'm too entrenched/dumb/stubborn to figure out a way to compromise".

If you are done, then move on. If you aren't, well, lets just say your tactics could use improving.

[Yggdrasil]

I just want her to stop acting this way. I left her because of the treatment not because I didn't love or want to be with her.

I wish she would just stop and maybe things could be fixed.

I don't think this one can be 'fixed'. The problem deeper than a simple relationship fix. I tried to explain and show the problem it in my previous post. I am not sure if I made sense with that one.

I really believe you would be better of without her in your life.

[Graham Berkeley]

Breaking up with someone as a way of getting them to change their behaviour is manipulation too, I should point out. Its not negotiating in good faith. Its = "I'm too entrenched/dumb/stubborn to figure out a way to compromise".

If you are done, then move on. If you aren't, well, lets just say your tactics could use improving.

I don't agree with that. She started in on me that I don't make enough money and don't provide her with the life she wants financially. She emasculates me by telling me a real man would be making more than my current 27.50 an hour.

I left and told her I hope she finds someone who can provide her with the life she wants.

[SAVANAH]

Wow she's really cold and she is deliberately trying to hurt you, people don't hurt people they love intentionally and in all honesty you need to move on, Yes this is definitely abuse, and you will stop loving her I promise and once you do you'll see things so much clearer and see her for the b***h she really is, she puts you down and hurts you all the time and you need to open your eyes and not let this continue, your heart is soft and kind and that's much more than what can be said for her.

[Graham Berkeley]

I don't think I am going to find anyone else because of the kind of work I do. It isn't weird, gross or illegal it just requires something of a girl that is very very rare... She had been my friend for so long that she was accustom to it...

[Gigabitch]

I just want her to stop acting this way.

...and people in hell want water.

I don't think I am going to find anyone else because of the kind of work I do. It isn't weird, gross or illegal it just requires something of a girl that is very very rare... She had been my friend for so long that she was accustom to it...

Is it so bizarre that you can't describe it even on an anonymous internet forum? Stop being coy.

Anyway, that's a crap reason for wanting to stay with someone that treats you this way.

[Graham Berkeley]

All I can say is I work in the film Industry. Not adult film or anything like that but saying anymore would violate some NDA's

All I can say is working where/how I do makes women act like they like me but all they really want is to hop on the train if you know what I mean. I'm pretty good looking and don't seem to have problem attracting women on my own merits but its always a problem when they find out what I do. So what do I do when a date asks me what I do for a living?