Very concerned about my daughter.

[jtx09]

Hello everyone. I am new here and I know this might be a silly place to come to ask for advice/opinions but I felt like hearing from others might be helpful. This might be a long post, so I do apologize.

I am very concerned about my daughter. She is 28 years old and she doesn't live with me anymore. She is about 45 minutes from me and she has a life of her own. I have always told her to never make the same mistakes I have made but I don't think she ever really listens.

She has not had the greatest experiences with men. She has had two long distant relationships and neither one of them worked out, the second one was really fishy and she learned the hard way after I told her over and over that she was gonna get hurt. I thought she had learned her lesson then. This was about 4 or 5 years ago.

Now, she is back to the online dating thing and this time, the guy isn't even in the country. He is from Canada and she's only been talking to him for a month now. She loves him, he says he loves her and wants a future with her but yet they do not even know each other and have never met. He is supposed to come visit her next month and she is very excited and they have talked about taking a vacation.

I asked to see his profiles so I could see what this guy looks like. She showed me his Myspace and he had only one photo of himself that happened to look very old and scanned, not to mention there was a girl cropped out of it. I asked her who was the girl and she said an ex that burned him. He's had the same photo up for 3 years and same goes for his Facebook. I told her he needed new photos up there. She just makes like it's no big deal, not sure if he has sent her one with his blackberry but even so, put a new one up instead of one from decades ago.

I think what bothered me the most was when I looked at his profile, he only had 11 friends and all of them besides my daughter and another woman from Ohio, was the oldest ones. The rest of them were young women, he's a 30 year old man and he had girls who were 18-20 years old. Without my daughter knowing, I looked at these girls profiles and none of them sign on anymore, none of them have him on their top. There was one girl who was around 19 or 20 that he was flirting with.

His facebook he has more friends but not sure what their ages are but still that one and only photo remains.

I went to my daughters Myspace and saw her status was engaged. I immediatly called her and asked her what that was about and she told me to relax, that she wasn't engaged that this guy wanted her to put that up there so men would know to stay away...apparently he got a little jealous when he saw some guys on her page that were leaving her comments, he asked her to remove one of them. I don't think he likes the fact that there's guys on there. He hasn't even left her any photo comments like the other nice guys have.

So, I just have some weird feelings about him. She told me that he is really sweet and that he wouldn't hurt her and that he would move to the states for her and that he is coming July and I told her that I really hoped he did and that he was who he says he is cause I just think that there are too many weirdos out there especially the ones online. But I get a creepy feeling to see my daughter on his profile and knowing that the rest of them are teeny boppers.

She tells me that I am reading it wrong but if there wasn't red flags then I wouldn't be here. So, if you could give me some advice, anything, or tell me if I am worrying for nothing, please do so. Thanks.

[vashti]

I'd be worried, too.

And yeah, I have a daughter. And a son.

[Yggdrasil]

She's 28. She's considered an adult now. When are you going to let her live her life?

You can't always be there for her and protect her, mother hen.

I understand you mean it well, but remember when you were her age, all young an cocky... did you listen to your parents?

It's obvious she's not taking your advice, so, I dunno, but I wouldn't try to control her, I would let her learn the hard way and be there for her when it all crashes down. Isn't that part of good parenting to?

[IndiReloaded]

Get on the system yourself and 'meet' this guy yourself if you are that concerned. Say you are looking forward to meeting him when he visits IRL.

[DoesntMatter]

He hasn't even left her any photo comments like the other nice guys have.

Are you sure this isn't yourself that you're talking about?

That sounds like a really "juvenile" or irrelevent thing to consider as a sign of genuine affection, not to be condescending or anything. That just really sounds like something girls MY age (20) would take as a supposed red flag as opposed to someone who has a 28 year old daughter

[jtx09]

You know, I came here for some advice. That is what these forums are about. I was just wanting someone to speak from their perspective. You did not have to throw accusations at me. This is my daughter I am talking about. I am not trying to control her. I was just concerned and I am not gonna be able to meet him considering I will be out of town that weekend. It won't be until after a few days. God knows I'd hate for something bad to happen to her, just as you would hate something to happen to your daughter. As for you, the 20 year old....you wouldn't know. I am letting her living her life, but if you had seen the stuff she's already been through then you would be worried too. I was just wanting to hear someone's opinion and asking if this guy seemed weird to them, if it was me that met a man off the internet that was acting this insane, I wouldn't waste my time. I just wish my daughter would do the same.

[lesa]

I would expect a recent photo of him before allowing him to visit. No more photos= no visits. That's what the 28 years old should say. I hope she did/will.

For some reason I thought you were the father.

[Junket]

I have an older sister that sounds like your daughter in that she's naturally self destructive with her relationships.

I haven't talked to her in over 2 years.

Some people aren't worth the effort.

Anyway, is your daughter attractive at all?

Does she have low self esteem?

[jtx09]

My daughter is very attractive but she is over-weight but she's working out hard as she can. She is very insecure about herself and I have told her to not settle for less. She's been used a few times, slept with a married man, a man old enough to be her father. I know it's bad, I am not ashamed of her. I just try to tell her to be more careful and not to just believe anything they say cause I am tired of her getting hurt. I know she's so desperate to find a man and be happy but going after the wrong ones is only gonna cause her more heartache.

[Junket]

My daughter is very attractive but she is over-weight but she's working out hard as she can. She is very insecure about herself and I have told her to not settle for less. She's been used a few times, slept with a married man, a man old enough to be her father. I know it's bad, I am not ashamed of her. I just try to tell her to be more careful and not to just believe anything they say cause I am tired of her getting hurt. I know she's so desperate to find a man and be happy but going after the wrong ones is only gonna cause her more heartache.

Okay, I didn't mean attractive from a mother's perspective, I meant attractive from a guy's perspective.

Her problem isn't these men, her problem is with herself. Sounds to me like she's too quick to find her self worth only in the approval of men. Likewise, she'll attract men that are either as dysfunctional as her, or, as you've already said, men that will just take advantage of her needy behavior.

Does she have any friends? Close relatives?

[Yggdrasil]

Her problem isn't these men, her problem is with herself. Sounds to me like she's too quick to find her self worth only in the approval of men. Likewise, she'll attract men that are either as dysfunctional as her, or, as you've already said, men that will just take advantage of her needy behavior.

I know this is going to sound hard but:

I understand that one problem with this personality type is that they seem to attract (emotionally, verbally, physically) abusive individuals. Another is that you can't explain this personality type that they are setting themselves up for failure.

They appear to attempt to fill an emotional void within themselves by others.

For some reason the majority of them have to get through several failed relations till they hit rock bottom before they finally catch on. Some never catch on.

It also appears these particular personality types frequently come from a dysfunctional family.

[jtx09]

I understand what you mean. On her profiles, she only has photos of her face cause she doesn't wanna scare men off. And when they meet her, I guess they are a bit disappointed. When they see her photos, they say how beautiful she is and how hot she is and she eats it all up and starts flirting with them. But there's nothing more than I can do, I've talked to her, and tried to help her but she won't listen. So, it's tough but I just have to try and be supportive.

[Sonrisa]

i really wouldn't consider any website as a factor of a person's intelligence. do you think i would be adding old and ugly guys to my myspace? puhlease, of course i only add the cute ones. that's what we are attracted to. doesn't mean they will like us back though. meet him before passing any judgements.

and also, you'll be doing your daughter a favor if you convince her to work on her self image as well.

[Sonrisa]

I understand what you mean. On her profiles, she only has photos of her face cause she doesn't wanna scare men off. And when they meet her, I guess they are a bit disappointed. When they see her photos, they say how beautiful she is and how hot she is and she eats it all up and starts flirting with them. But there's nothing more than I can do, I've talked to her, and tried to help her but she won't listen. So, it's tough but I just have to try and be supportive.

all that's left to do for her is to lose the weight. and then she won't disappoint them or herself anymore.

[vashti]

You know, I came here for some advice. That is what these forums are about. I was just wanting someone to speak from their perspective. You did not have to throw accusations at me. This is my daughter I am talking about. I am not trying to control her. I was just concerned and I am not gonna be able to meet him considering I will be out of town that weekend. It won't be until after a few days. God knows I'd hate for something bad to happen to her, just as you would hate something to happen to your daughter. As for you, the 20 year old....you wouldn't know. I am letting her living her life, but if you had seen the stuff she's already been through then you would be worried too. I was just wanting to hear someone's opinion and asking if this guy seemed weird to them, if it was me that met a man off the internet that was acting this insane, I wouldn't waste my time. I just wish my daughter would do the same.

Kids think that just because they "grow up" a parent stops worrying. We ALWAYS worry; it's just that the things we worry about change over time.

If your daughter has a habit of choosing bad men, you are right to worry. She has impaired judgement. I would consider this a high-risk encounter. Unfortunately at her age, there is not much you can do about it. Some people have to learn the hard way.