Is there such a thing as being "too busy for a relationship"?

[stargirl1980]

Ok, me and my friends have been having a disagreement- I was seeing a guy for about 3 months (we weren't exclusive, but I'd kinda been making it obvious that I wanted to get more serious), and during that time he'd go days without contacting me, and when asked why, he'd apologize and say he was busy.

About twice, he'd make dates with me, and then cancel the night of, saying he'd gotten off work late, and was really tired after his shift.

(And for my part...I'll admit, I acted kinda clingy- txting everyday/every other day, and sometimes getting openly annoyed, when he wouldn't answer.)

He finally broke it off with me a few weeks after saying "I have so much going on at work lately, and I feel like I might be too busy to get serious with anyone right now."

(At that time, he reassured me that he was attracted to me, but when he broke it off said he didn't "want to lead me on into thinking we could be more than friends.")

Now, I want to believe what he's saying is true. He'd been complaining since Feb. about being unhappy with his job lately, being so tired every night, and how they were now making him do alot of overtime too (He went from working 4 days a week, to 6)

But...my friend's say it's just BS, and claim that "if a guy truly likes you, he'll MAKE time for you."

Now...I think that's easy to say for them- they're in their early 20s, only work part-time, and live with their parents. This guy, however was in his 30s, worked 40+ hours in a hectic environment (Medical field), and owned his own home. (He told me he worked 10hours shifts, not usually getting home until 8pm at earliest. And I imagine he still had to find time for grocery-shopping, laundry, housecleaning, eating, etc.)

So, the question I'm posing is- are they right? Will he truly make time for you, no matter what? Or is there such a thing as a person having too much on their plate at the moment, to commit to a serious relationship?

[ecojeanne]

he sounds like a misery guts. don't you want to be with someone that makes you feel good? good riddence to him

[Yggdrasil]

I'm 45 years old, married for 25.

I have a very busy work schedule to. Sometimes I work 12 to 14 hours a day.

However, I know how to say NO and take time off for my wife and kids. My weekends are my sanctuary for me and my family and no employer will mess with that.

It's only a job, career or not.

So in my opinion, he's full of BS.

I suggest you find someone who's worthy of you.

[Gigabitch]

NO, there is no such thing. There's "Too disinterested" or "Got a better offer", but there is no "Too busy".

[Yggdrasil]

NO, there is no such thing. There's "Too disinterested" or "Got a better offer", but there is no "Too busy".

Agreed. You make the time. There's no excuse for it.

My wife and kids understand that during the week, I am busy. But they KNOW that during the weekend, I am there.

And even during the week, if there's something urgent, I am there, no matter how tired I am or how late it is.

Sometimes things can wait till the weekend, sometimes things have to be taken care of immediately. That's to be mutualy agreed upon.

I never to tired for sex though

[Rollerderby]

The whole "doesn't want you to think you can be more than friends" is the dead give away. of course, he doesn't want to tell you he's not attracted to you. That would make him look bad and make you feel bad. Better to leave the door open slightly than slam it in either of your faces.

[Lite]

NO, there is no such thing. There's "Too disinterested" or "Got a better offer", but there is no "Too busy".

Really... Tell that to people who work 80+ hours per week during high demand periods of their job. While I agree that they will attempt to spend time with you, they may be truly too busy taking care of themselves and their life in what hours they aren't at work.

If you work 12 hour days, 7 days per week, and spend an hour commuting each way, get 6 hours of sleep per night, that gives you a total of 4 hours each day to care of your shit. That means shower, eat, laundry, cleaning, feeding pets, and everything else.

That's not much time.

And as someone who has kept those kinds of hours periodically in my life, I can tell you that your desire to have a relationship dwindles.

[Yggdrasil]

Really... Tell that to people who work 80+ hours per week during high demand periods of their job. While I agree that they will attempt to spend time with you, they may be truly too busy taking care of themselves and their life in what hours they aren't at work.

If you work 12 hour days, 7 days per week, and spend an hour commuting each way, get 6 hours of sleep per night, that gives you a total of 4 hours each day to care of your shit. That means shower, eat, laundry, cleaning, feeding pets, and everything else.

That's not much time.

And as someone who has kept those kinds of hours periodically in my life, I can tell you that your desire to have a relationship dwindles.

Goes to show where their priorities are... and then they wonder why the house is empty one day and the next day they receive letter from a divorce laywer for child and spousal support...

ha... whatever... Self inflicted.

[vashti]

I think it definitely IS possible to be too busy for a relationship, and speaking as someone who works in the medical field, I can tell you for sure that a LOT of us work horrific hours, and I would believe it if a doctor (for example) said he didn't have time for relationships. I also don't think there is anything "wrong" with that.

That being said, I think this guy was making an excuse... not because of the "too busy" part, but because of him not wanting you to think there might be more than friendship being offered. Also, I think your clinginess was probably a turnoff to someone with a busy career. Maybe you should stick to dating people who work the run-of-the-mill 9-5 jobs instead.

[stargirl1980]

Really... Tell that to people who work 80+ hours per week during high demand periods of their job. While I agree that they will attempt to spend time with you, they may be truly too busy taking care of themselves and their life in what hours they aren't at work.

If you work 12 hour days, 7 days per week, and spend an hour commuting each way, get 6 hours of sleep per night, that gives you a total of 4 hours each day to care of your shit. That means shower, eat, laundry, cleaning, feeding pets, and everything else.

That's not much time.

And as someone who has kept those kinds of hours periodically in my life, I can tell you that your desire to have a relationship dwindles.

Thanks. His hours weren't as bad as that- he was a medical technician at a diagnostic clinic, and worked at least 10hours Mon-Thursday, plus shifts on Friday and Saturday (Days he had off when we initially started dating.)

He'd get home at 8pm at the earliest, and that was only if he'd gotten off on time at 7pm. Even then, he'd say he felt very tired and drained, and complain of headaches- he'd usually say he was going to sleep around 10pm.

The last time he'd called me- to cancel a date, because he was exhausted after work- he was upset about his job, and said how he used to be able to tell employers to shove it, back when there were less people trained in his field. But that now with the job market being what it was, he had to suck it up and do what they wanted. (He'd mentioned back in Feb, that he purposely didn't try to get out of Jury Duty that month, because he'd rather go there than to work at that point.)

He also seemed very dedicated to his parents and family- at least 3 weekends, he'd say he was going out of town to visit them. (And I'm not petty enough to fault a guy for wanting to spend time with his mom and dad over me.)

The 2nd week we were dating, he was more attentive as far as calls and txts- but he was also on vacation that entire time (We couldn't actually see each other, as he had come down with the flu.)

And in hindsight...I was clingy, and maybe a little bit ungrateful- on our second date, I started whining about how he hadn't called the weekend after our first date. He got irritated, and said "I was at my folks, and busy. [My name], did you know I've opted out of poker night with my friends the last 3 weeks, to try and spend time with you?"

[stargirl1980]

I think it definitely IS possible to be too busy for a relationship, and speaking as someone who works in the medical field, I can tell you for sure that a LOT of us work horrific hours, and I would believe it if a doctor (for example) said he didn't have time for relationships. I also don't think there is anything "wrong" with that.

That being said, I think this guy was making an excuse... not because of the "too busy" part, but because of him not wanting you to think there might be more than friendship being offered. Also, I think your clinginess was probably a turnoff to someone with a busy career. Maybe you should stick to dating people who work the run-of-the-mill 9-5 jobs instead.

Thanks. Unfortunately, I already thought there was more than friendship being offered, because of him saying things like "I like you alot" and "I'm really attracted to you". Oh, and...us having sex, on four separate occasions.

It's been about 6 weeks since we last talked- is there any way to show him I've matured, realized my mistakes in the relationship, and worked to become more confident and less needy/clingy? I'm trying No Contact, but...

[ed604]

All people are different. From what you are saying here, it seems like he's actually being honest. He says to you that he doesn't want to lead you on, which is an honest, right thing to do. Some people are exhausted after work while others can just keep going and going. Maybe what you should do is just keep in touch with him and maybe in the future, his schedule lightens up he'll come back to you.

[IndiReloaded]

I've kept insane hours. The only reason I had a relationship was because I was already married (no kids, tho). And we did not see a lot of each other during those times.

But I have a feeling that he might be using the 'too busy' excuse as an easy way to let you down. You should take his graceful out b/c either way, he doesn't have time for you.

[Rollerderby]

Sometimes you don't want to see someone. But if you really liked them, you would make some time. Besides, if you were a calming presence in his life instead of a "clingy" one, I'm sure he'd want some pampering. I bet you just need too much attention that he isn't willing to give. Not your fault, go find someone who can give you what you need. It didn't work, so move on.

[misombra]

opa! you've crossed the thin line.

if you want a relationship babe, this guy probably isn't the one.