can she expect that from me?

[DanPBG]

I am sorry. Pleayse bear with me. Its like a roller coaster... up's and down's. It's like with my wife - deep down inside myself I know you're right, but then I'm fighting it. I thought promising to not to repeat the same mistakes again would be an amend. My wife said it's not anymore because I promised it before. I know I broke promises and oath's a lot. I've been lying a lot. There were no apologies and explanations when I grew up, just orders and obedience, no chance for socialization, just dependencies. Thats when I developed addictions and compulsions. I want my wife back so badly but I'm still fighting her demands. Is that because she witnessed my weaknesses/imperfections?But then again I know how generous she is in heart and mind.
What can I do?What am I missing? A gene, some brain cells, the puperty?What is an amend?

[bluesummer]

I won't call my wife anymore. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to do anymore. It was thinking. Its unreasonable to expect from me to damage my image in public. Thats what it would come down to. Why would I do that? She said all I care about is "my perfect reputation in public". I don't understand it. Whats wrong with that?

It DOES make sense, but you don't see it. You aren't listening to your wife, you're not listening to anyone here. You're waiting for someone to come along and feel sympathy for you, but it's hard to feel sympathy for someone so freakin' self-centred. It's okay to hurt your wife's feelings and reputation by chasing after other women, but she can't be allowed a simple apology because of the way it would make YOU look?! Do you not understand how selfish you sound?!?

I told her I have changed but she doesn't believe me. She said things have to be worked out. She said I just want her to walk the rocky road by herself. I don't get it. Love shouldn't be work, it should be an easy flow, smooth and effortless. Shit happens, but its time to get over it and move on. I guess she just wants to punish me. It's all about her but what about me. I'm emotionally exhausted but she doesn't care

No, my friend, it IS all about you. You commit the crime, and then turn around and throw it back on her, like it's her fault? Love IS work. Anyone who has found real love knows it's not perfect all of the time. Maybe you read too many romance novels or something, I don't know.

If you can't stop thinking about yourself, you don't deserve her. In fact, I hope she stays away from you until you learn to stop being so god damned selfish. She's being RIDICULOUSLY fair giving you an easy out like this, and you make it sound like she asked you to chop your testicles off. Give me a break.

[DanPBG]

I'm still alive. I just thought I want to share with you, since I got so many responses here.
Its 5 am and I cant sleep. My wife didn't come back to me. I'm all by myself, day by day. I have bad dreams. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes just sad, mixed emotions. Basically work, work, work.
My wife said to me I'm unable to love (Don't call it love is what she said). I was thinking about it yesterday while driving. She might be right, I don't know anymore.
Can it be men and women are so different? Are we compatible? I mean, its in the nature of women to nurse, nurture, care. Women are able to love, its in their genes, instincts. We men are hunter. Are we men able to love anyway? I don't know
Are we not all animals?
Am I lacking emotions? Is here a man on this forum who can feel love?

[Lite]

I'm still alive. I just thought I want to share with you, since I got so many responses here.
Its 5 am and I cant sleep. My wife didn't come back to me. I'm all by myself, day by day. I have bad dreams. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes just sad, mixed emotions. Basically work, work, work.
My wife said to me I'm unable to love (Don't call it love is what she said). I was thinking about it yesterday while driving. She might be right, I don't know anymore.
Can it be men and women are so different? Are we compatible? I mean, its in the nature of women to nurse, nurture, care. Women are able to love, its in their genes, instincts. We men are hunter. Are we men able to love anyway? I don't know
Are we not all animals?
Am I lacking emotions? Is here a man on this forum who can feel love?

Sounds like you should get some therapy man. Both to help you feel better, and to help you get past the bullshit that your wife said to you.

Just because you do not express love in the manner that she wants, doesn't mean you do not feel it or experience it.

[IndiReloaded]

People express love differently, Dan. Just what Lite said. Some people are more touchy-feelie and need more emotional interaction than others. The word for that is 'reserved'.

There are plenty of people who enjoy a more restrained version of love. Get some therapy, get your issues re: your ex out of your system & then find someone whose idea of love is compatible with yours. Try a British or Asian gal, they tend to be more reserved on average.

Take care.

[DanPBG]

Can it be men and women are so different? Are we compatible? I mean, its in the nature of women to nurse, nurture, care. Women are able to love, its in their genes, instincts. We men are hunter. Are we men able to love anyway? I don't know
Are we not all animals?

I must defend my wife. Thats what I say and not my wife.

She just said if I would have ever loved her I wouldn't have had emotional affairs with other women. If I would have ever missed her I would have fixed the damage. She said without making clear statements it looks like I want to keep opportunities.
Thats why I was asking myself too if I'm able to love. Deep down inside I know I'm a coward but don't want to admit it. Here on the forum I can be honest. I know I was afraid if I would have done what my wife asked me for (to apologize in front of this woman), this woman wouldn't like me anymore. I can't stand it if someone doesn't like me. It gives me a rush when women consider me being the perfect catch. Is that sick?
I don't have an idea of love. Do men and women love differently?

[Aeradalia]

I must defend my wife. Thats what I say and not my wife.

She just said if I would have ever loved her I wouldn't have had emotional affairs with other women. If I would have ever missed her I would have fixed the damage. She said without making clear statements it looks like I want to keep opportunities.
Thats why I was asking myself too if I'm able to love. Deep down inside I know I'm a coward but don't want to admit it. Here on the forum I can be honest. I know I was afraid if I would have done what my wife asked me for (to apologize in front of this woman), this woman wouldn't like me anymore. I can't stand it if someone doesn't like me. It gives me a rush when women consider me being the perfect catch. Is that sick?
I don't have an idea of love. Do men and women love differently?

This isn't about the differences between how men and women exhibit love. This has more to do with you choosing to have a woman who is not your wife and your wife. You chose to have the affections of the former. Not even sure if you got anything physical from this 'affair'... but sit and consider if you chose wisely or poorly. Then learn from it.

You need self-control and possibly work out some self-confidence issues. A therapist would help you greatly.

[DanPBG]

Indi, you think I should try an Asian or British gal?

Don't you think I love my wife?

[Gigabitch]

It gives me a rush when women consider me being the perfect catch.

You have no idea what you actually look like under the thin veneer of your charm. Believe me, it doesn't take long for most women to see right through that, and when they do, they can see that there's a huge hole where your integrity and good character should be.

It's like you're wearing a Ken doll mask with no face behind it.

Creepy.

[misombra]

what are you doing here? go find yourself a divorce lawyer!

[IndiReloaded]

Indi, you think I should try an Asian or British gal?

Don't you think I love my wife?

I was being somewhat tongue in cheek. Just saying that, for your next partner, you might want to find someone less emotionally needy. In the sense that she can handle your personality.

But, also, I thought your marriage is over. Your wife left you, right? What is the status of things right now?

[DanPBG]

Not too much to say - she didn't return.
Trust me, I know what it looks like "under the thin veneer of my charm" ... there is a poor wimp. I KNOW THAT! I was married before, I guess I mentioned it. But still, I never left my family's place. Even not after my ex-wife moved to another city for work. We just had a weekend relationship. After I got to know my current wife I finally moved out, first time in my life. It was late, maybe too late. I also know that now.
It seems when I left that's not all I left. The family was like a sanctuary from the outside world and all of it's temptations. Everything that happened in other peoples life's during puberty like dating etc. didn't happen in my life. It was simply missed. This is the problem. I succumbed to these temptations.
I had thoughts that created a rift in my marriage. I started lusting after another woman just weeks after we were married. I kept spiraling downward. I spoke about it before. I can see my mistakes.
I just still have no clue why it isn't enough that I stopped my behavior to make a new start?
My wife wrote this to me "... I don't believe anymore that you love me. I can't settle for less than love. I can't build a house on such a weak foundation.Even the weakest grows wings and gains strength from love. Love is not just an infatuation, its also a learned skill and a power....we all can make mistake but we all can stand up for it once we realized it and regret...Your wish for a new start together with me, without doing active steps to correct past mistakes looks to me like a continuation under the influence of amnesia,to your advantage. You don't want my forgiveness, you want my blessing, my agreement. Its all about agreements. You knew I would have never agreed to what you did, thats why you lied and hid it from me for a long time. That was the biggest mistakes, your sneaky lies. Maybe, a different woman would take your 'slips' as qualities and you don't have to lie there, who knows. If I would be also into carefree episodes we both would get along I guess. My life concept is just different and I don't agree to yours.It was a huge effort to stay with you throughout the years, to take all the lies and still giving you chances you didn't use......."

Why can't she see its not my life concept, its a weakness. I dont know anymore. Is Lite right and its just bullshit that she says to me? Somehow she makes sense to me, I can see her point. But then again was there no other way to express love and fix the damage than to do what she asked for?I don't know

You keep saying I need therapy. I cant effort it. I went to groups before but it didn't help much.The guys just reported their relapses, and I can't talk about my problems in front of people anyway.

[lovesjoyajm]

I just still have no clue why it isn't enough that I stopped my behavior to make a new start?

We've told you this over and over and over. There are hundreds of reasons: you couldn't prove your love to her, you couldn't make ANY sacrifice to atone for her suffering, you weren't willing to suffer any embarrassment despite making a fool of her, you aren't willing to accept a reasonable compromise, etc. etc.

My wife wrote this to me "... I don't believe anymore that you love me. I can't settle for less than love. I can't build a house on such a weak foundation.Even the weakest grows wings and gains strength from love. Love is not just an infatuation, its also a learned skill and a power....we all can make mistake but we all can stand up for it once we realized it and regret...Your wish for a new start together with me, without doing active steps to correct past mistakes looks to me like a continuation under the influence of amnesia,to your advantage. You don't want my forgiveness, you want my blessing, my agreement. Its all about agreements. You knew I would have never agreed to what you did, thats why you lied and hid it from me for a long time. That was the biggest mistakes, your sneaky lies. Maybe, a different woman would take your 'slips' as qualities and you don't have to lie there, who knows. If I would be also into carefree episodes we both would get along I guess. My life concept is just different and I don't agree to yours.It was a huge effort to stay with you throughout the years, to take all the lies and still giving you chances you didn't use......."

She sounds wise.

[DanPBG]

Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know anymore

[Yggdrasil]

Welcome to single land.

You reap what you sow.