I have every reason not to love her...

[soulsurvivor23]

... and yet I can't help myself!

Bare with me, as i'm going to give a condensed version of what has been almost a year long story...

So pretty much there's this girl whom i'll call "Jessica" who I had been talking to for quite a bit of time. We met in August of 2008 and we started out as kind of casual friends who would talk whenever we see each other. Then, a couple of subtle things she did that made me think she liked me as more than a friend.

The first was that she asked a mutual friend of ours for my cell number because she "needed help with something." - which she still claims to this day. Then she called me shortly after that and claimed that her cousin had dialed my number by accident. However when I called her back she asked why I had taken so long to call her? As well as asking if I like her and kind of saying that she likes me, but in a joking tone.

So, at first I thought she was cool and interesting but I hadn't really thought of her in terms of having a dating relationship. However, over time I slowly started falling for her... We spent a ton of time together, talked on the phone every night, and our interaction was on a more than a friend level even though we were never officially dating.

So.. on valentines day I got her some roses and some of her favorite chocolate.. She loved it and was really surprised, and soon after that we had our first kiss. After that everything was going great.

So probably 3-4 days later I decide to ask her to make it official. Long story short she tells me that she had a long distance BF that she's been seeing on and off for 2 years. So according to her, they broke it off sometime in late January, and then they got back together a few days before valentines day... So the she tries to say that it's MY fault that she and I aren't together. She says that she was dropping hints and that I wasn't responding to them in a certain way so she assumed I just liked her as a friend. That may be true in the very beginning but by January we were spending so much time together, we held hands sometimes, I put my arm around her, we even went some places together kind of like the beach or the movies. So I would think it was pretty obvious how I felt.

So.. according to her, she got back with her BF because she didn't know how i felt. So after she told me about that and the details i pretty much said screw her and decided to cut off contact with her. So she kept calling, e-mailing, etc etc.. until I finally decided to respond. After awhile things started to get back to the level they were on before... So I asked her, what about "Scott." And she says, "lets not talk about him." So I pushed her to talk about it and she told me that yes she's still dating him.. And I said, so what am I to you? She's like "more than friends" But when I asked her to define "more than friends" she couldnt give an answer for that either.

So basically she's with Scott, she refuses to break up with him, but yet she has still done things with me like go on dates, talk to me every night, make out, etc.. And i'm just so fed up with it. Common sense has told me time and time again to just drop her, but my heart doesn't allow me to do that. I'm just in love with her... So right now i'm at a crossroad. She wants me to "wait it out." Because according to her, she's wanted to end it with him for a long time but is having difficulty doing so... But "wait it out" to her means that I act like a stand in boyfriend for her and pray for them to call it quits.. I think I should just stand my ground and say all of me or none of me... What do you guys think?

[Mish]

Just tell her that you are not happy with the current situation and that you want to take it to the next level. Be prepared to let her go if she doesn't that.

[soulsurvivor23]

See that's the thing, i've told her this. I told her that I love her and that I want to be with her more than anything. She told me she loves me too and she wants to be with me but "can't" seemingly because of some commitment obligation she must've made when he (her ex) came crawling back to her.

So I pretty much have told her that i'm not satisfied with being the fill in bf while she has an official long distance bf on the side... So i've told her time and time again what I want and that she has to make a choice, and she always steers the conversation in a new direction and changes the topic and i'm ****ing SICK of it! Quite honestly this girl is making me lose my mind, and I think I should've kicked a girl like this to the curb a long time ago.... But as you know, emotions unfortunately too often get in the way of logic and reason.

[Mish]

But as you know, emotions unfortunately too often get in the way of logic and reason.

Well, that is your problem to deal with, they are your emotions. The stage has been set, you either follow the road of dead ends or the one back to your sanity. You know what needs to be done.

[soulsurvivor23]

Well, that is your problem to deal with, they are your emotions. The stage has been set, you either follow the road of dead ends or the one back to your sanity. You know what needs to be done.

But this is what's hard about it... The long distance BF is just that. Long distance. I've never seen him, i've never heard his voice, I haven't so much as seen a picture of him. When i'm with her she pretty much acts like he doesn't exist. And when I tell her that I love her she says it back.... But then when it all boils down to it, whenever I ask her about him she avoids the subject.. and when I ask why if she really loves me why she won't call it quits, she doesn't give me an answer..... If she would just say "my feelings for him are stronger" or, "I don't love you" or something like that, it'd hurt, but at least it would be a clear "no.." and it would be enough of a cue/signal for me to just move on.

[Mish]

If she would just say "my feelings for him are stronger" or, "I don't love you" or something like that, it'd hurt, but at least it would be a clear "no.." and it would be enough of a cue/signal for me to just move on.

She doesn't need to give you that kind of closure. This should be enough of a cue.

when it all boils down to it, whenever I ask her about him she avoids the subject.

Take it like a man.

[soulsurvivor23]

The other thing is, this is what i've contrived from the little she has told me about him.

1. On and off for 2 years.
2. He treats her badly.
3. They only talk a few times a month
4. She SAYS (although it appears to be BS) that she WANTS to break it off with him and doesn't know how.

But I think my best bet is to just leave her, take my lumps, take the appropriate amount of time I need to get over her, and then pursue other interests.

[Rollerderby]

Love isn't hard when you're in love with someone who loves you back.

This girl wants you to wait it out... **** her. She was pursuing you, it sounds like, and when you finally got up to it, she already was with another dude. Her ex dude which is almost worse.

This is immature. If she really wanted you, she wouldn't be this spineless. He isn't forcing her to be with him. She wants a back up bf when this current one fails. I'm not totally serious when I say this, but maybe you should tell her current what she says to you, and let him handle the bullshit.

[soulsurvivor23]

Love isn't hard when you're in love with someone who loves you back.

This girl wants you to wait it out... **** her. She was pursuing you, it sounds like, and when you finally got up to it, she already was with another dude. Her ex dude which is almost worse.

This is immature. If she really wanted you, she wouldn't be this spineless. He isn't forcing her to be with him. She wants a back up bf when this current one fails. I'm not totally serious when I say this, but maybe you should tell her current what she says to you, and let him handle the bullshit.

It's actually very funny in an ironic sort of way to see someone else say this. It's exactly what I've been thinking for the longest time. And I told her all of this. I told her that I didn't want to be her backup guy for when her current relationship fails.. and she says "no, I don't see you like that. I love you. I wasn't looking for a backup guy, it's just that things weren't going well between Scott and me.. and then I met you, and without even knowing it I fell in love with you. bla bla bla"

And secondly, when she said she can't break up with him.. I also told her that I didn't understand why she can't... to which she never really offered any sort of complete explanation.. I mean i've never heard of not being able to break up with someone.. It's actually funny, at the time I started to develop feelings for her, I was actually seeing someone else, casually.. This girl was completely in love with me, and I was kind of luke warm for her. But once I started to develop these strong feelings for Jessica, it was a no brainer that I had to let the other one go.

And to the last thing you said, it's weird... This is what happened with the bf actually. He is aware of me talking to her, unaware of anything else, but he has his strong suspsicions. And, he told her that he doesn't like her talking to me and doesn't want her to continue to talk to me, but not only did she continue, but she continued to flirt, she continued to call me all the time, go on dates with me, etc... Personally, if I had the guys contact info I would LOVE to tell him everything that's gone on. Granted, i'm sure he would be pretty upset, but at the same time he's a guy... Even being upset, i'm sure he'd understand if I told him that it took her nearly a year to even mention him and she was acting as though she was single, so I didn't have a clue for a very long time.

So, i've asked my friends for advice and they all tell me that this girl is probably just bad news.. and that if she's willing to openly just cheat on her man and think nothing of it then she would probably just do the same to me a few months down the road if we were a couple.

So tonight I pretty much told her it's me or him... And she said something to the effect of "Ok if that's the way you want it. I already told you my situation with that." So I told her not to call me, not to contact me in any way shape or form, and i'm going to try my damndest to stick it out on this one. Delete all messages from her without even looking at, listening to, or reading them. I think it's for the best. This girl has brought me nothing but trouble and inner turmoil.

[zombie_loo89]

Stop talking to her until she breaks it off with Scott.
Date other people, see how she takes that.

Whatta bitch!

[zombie_loo89]

But really, it's NOT FAIR to you.
She wants both of you it seems like.
She's picking a "cyber" like boyfriend over a real one that she can hang out with and be with.
Plus you seem to treat her a lot better.

She's dumb to not get the hint.

[alovehangoverr]

You feel like a stand in boyfriend.. because that's exactly what you are. Regardless of what she tells you, you ARE the fallback guy if/when her REAL relationship ends.

You need to bail.

This girl is shady. Do you really want to pursue something with someone who doesn't have a problem cheating on the person they're in a relationship with? You're setting yourself up for failure.

As for her breaking up with this guy-- don't hold your breath. She's getting away with having you both, so why should she?

Also, I wouldn't put too much stock into what she says about this guy-- he treats her bad, they don't talk often, etc.. then why is she finding it so difficult to end things with someone who apparently is "barely in her life?"

Yeah.

Right.

End it. Move on. Find someone who is SINGLE and who has no problem being with you officially.

[zombie_loo89]

End it. Move on. Find someone who is SINGLE and who has no problem being with you officially.

Anyone who has a problem with make it official is a waste of time.

[soulsurvivor23]

You feel like a stand in boyfriend.. because that's exactly what you are. Regardless of what she tells you, you ARE the fallback guy if/when her REAL relationship ends.

You need to bail.

This girl is shady. Do you really want to pursue something with someone who doesn't have a problem cheating on the person they're in a relationship with? You're setting yourself up for failure.

As for her breaking up with this guy-- don't hold your breath. She's getting away with having you both, so why should she?

Also, I wouldn't put too much stock into what she says about this guy-- he treats her bad, they don't talk often, etc.. then why is she finding it so difficult to end things with someone who apparently is "barely in her life?"

Yeah.

Right.

End it. Move on. Find someone who is SINGLE and who has no problem being with you officially.

You're right, and as I said I know that's the logical decision. It's just really hard to do as she spent several months developing this strong connection (at least on my part) with her before she told me this big secret. So i'm trying my best to turn those feelings off and encountering difficulty. Thus far I have not contacted her since that conversation but I have thought about her quite a bit... and i'm trying to work on that.

[soulsurvivor23]

Anyone who has a problem with make it official is a waste of time.

I was just thinking to myself, isn't it odd that me as the guy is the one who wanted the commitment and she as the girl is the one who wanted the unofficial bf with basically no strings attached. Man, did this girl ever have me fooled for such a long time. I guess it's really true what they say that love is blind.