HELP! I need advice badly, please please help

[sunshine22]

This is going to be kind of long, but I'm desperate for help, I don't know what to do, my whole world is crashing around me. I need all the advice I can get.

I've been with this guy for the last almost 7 years. We took a year and a half break somewhere in there (my fault, worst mistake ever), but other than that we've been together. First you need to know something about his personality.. When he's in a bad mood he would rather not talk to me until he's out of his funk. I know it sucks, but that's just how he is, and it usually lasts a day or two. He says that he just doesn't want to take it out on me, so he'd rather me leave him alone. I've been completely fine with this. I am the most easy going person ever. He brags about how great of a girlfriend I am all the time. Also about 2 and a half years ago he tried to break up with me. He told me all these bogus reasons that weren't true, and he was really mean to me. I found out later that this was because he just wanted to push me away and make me stop trying so he could start to get over me. The real reason for him wanting to leave turned out to be because he was afraid that I wouldn't wait for him to finish school (it's taking him a long time to finish, and he's really down on himself because of it, which he shouldn't be), and I would leave him. After about a month, everything was back to normal. Since then we've been talking more and more about our future together. He always talks about getting married and everything that goes along with that, but I never pressure him at all.

2 weeks ago my best friend got married, and he came. Everything was absolutely normal, we had a great time. That Tuesday he was supposed to have back surgery, but he ended up passing out and they wouldn't do it. Everything was fine, I visited him in the hospital before they released him, we went out that Thursday night, nothing was out of the norm. He was making little comments about our future like normal, told me he loved me, everything was fine. I had another wedding the next day, and I told him I would call him afterwards and meet up with him. But when I did, he didn't answer or call me back. I couldn't get a hold of him the next night either. It turns out that one of my friends saw him out both Friday and Saturday night. He ended up showing up at the bar I was at Sat night. I went over to say hi, and he just walked away from me and started yelling at me to stop following him. Finally I just went over to him and asked what was wrong, and he just said that he didn't want a wife right now, and for me to leave. He kept yelling, so I left.. I left him alone after that. His surgery was rescheduled for that Tuesday, so Monday night I texted him and said good luck, and that everything would be okay. He responsed the next morning with: "In case anything happens I want you to know I love you". I thought everything was fine after that, but I couldn't get a hold of him in the hospital. They wouldn't give me any info, which I g uess he requested. He texted me when he got home the next day to say that he's home but in a lot of pain. I called him Thursday morning to see if he was okay, but he ignored my call and texted me this: "In case I wasn't clear the other night, don't call me. I only texted you yesterday to let you know I was okay". I asked why, and he said: "We are not meant for each other, we are no longer compatible. You are a major distraction to me". I responded a few times, but that was the last I heard from him. That was 5 days ago.

I don't understand how everythnig is fine one day, and the next day he is ignoring me. Something had to have happened. I think maybe he got his grades from school and didn't do well, so he's blaming me, saying I'm distracting him. But I could be wrong. I don't know what to think, or do. I'm a mess, I lost 5 pounds from not eating, I'm just laying in bed crying, I have no idea what to do. I talked to his friend the other day, and he said that he had no idea anything was wrong, he didn't mention it to him at all. He even said things to his friend about him saving money for our house. Maybe he's trying to make me look like the bad person in the end, I really don't know what to do. HELP.

[Yggdrasil]

Give him space and time to figure this one out.

Don't run after him, don't beg him, don't try to contact him. He told you to leave him alone, so, leave him alone. Respect his wishes.

To me it sounds like he's strugling with something (whatever that may be) and he has to figure it out all by himself.

It could be many things. Don't blame yourself, most likely you didn't do anything wrong.

It also sounds like he's afraid of commitment.

Fear of commitment in much popular literature refers to avoidance of long-term partnership and/or marriage but the problem is often much more pervasive, affecting school, work, and home life as well.

The term commitmentphobia was coined in the popular self-help book Men Who Can't Love in 1987. Following criticism of the perceived sexist idea that only men were commitmentphobic, the authors provided a more gender balanced model of commitmentphobia in a later work, He's Scared, She's Scared.

Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain longlasting connections. Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitmentphobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

The key to understanding commitmentphobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear -- fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitmentphobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape. Commitmentphobia is a real disabling fear, that can be manifest in many areas of life, including career, home ownership, or even shoe shopping. This fear can make simple every day decisions into a tremendous burden.

To assuage their anxieties, many commitmentphobics become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner, car, or job can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitmentphobics are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners or jobs without notice, leaving themselves and the people in their lives in untenable situations.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitmentphobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is not the only one with a problem. In fact, commitmentphobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationship mergers as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitmentphobic.

Authors Carter and Sokol handle this circumstance by describing "active" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by running away from relationships, and "passive" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by longsuffering devotion to an active partner who is running away, longing for a partner who has run away, and fantasy reconciliation scenarios.

[sweetlittleme]

You are one martyr in the art of love.

Based on your post, your boyfriend is unstable and immature for you.

You should beware of his behaviour. I might as well say that you have to get out of the relationship as early as now.

You have done your part as to loving and caring for him too much..maybe too much from your end that he is starting to feel uncomfortable about it.

Staying away from him, will hurt really, but it is just for your own good..for his,too..just give each other space for sometime.

Keep your faith that there is someone else better for you. Stay away from your boyfriend..stay away from memories that you have, places you have gone to, and start rebuilding your own life. Keep busy with your other friends and your family.Just pray and believe that life for you will be better with someone else other than your present boyfriend.

[IndiReloaded]

How did his surgery go?

[sunshine22]

How did his surgery go?

I'm assuming okay, he hasn't talked to me. Just a text saying he's home and in a lot of pain.... I really want to call to see how he's doing, but not so sure it's a good idea.

[sunshine22]

Thank you all so much for your advice.. I know in my head that everything you are saying is right, and that I'm better off without him. But my heart is saying otherwise... I just can't come to terms with the fact that everything about him is so beyond perfect for me, except one thing... how he handles these situations.

I thought this was supposed to get easier, but everyday it seems to be getting even harder. Every morning I wake up, and the first thing I feel is complete dread about being awake. I just feel like I want to sleep forever so I don't have to feel this pain. I can't eat either... I force myself to eat a small breakfast (I feel like throwing up the whole time), I force myself to eat a small lunch and dinner too... I wake up many times during the night, and I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. I just want to lay in bed and cry...

I just wish I knew WHY. I think this would be easier if I knew why this all happened, but I don't have that. NOTHING was wrong, and the next day it's apparently over in his head. I don't get it........... I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what went wrong.

[Gigabitch]

I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what went wrong.

Well, I wish my cats would clean their own litter box, but that's just about as unlikely.

Sunshine, you've just spent 7 years with an uncommunicative ass. His first instinct is to shut you out of everything. Since successful relationships require lots of communication, I don't really see this going anywhere good.

Sure, he'll probably come back, and you'll dig away at him until you discover the "real" reason behind his behavior. I put that in quotes because I think the real reason he's acting like this is that he's an insensitive person.

Would you really want to be married to a guy like that anyway? That sounds like the loneliest prospect you could possibly face. Lonelier than actually being alone.

[Yggdrasil]

IF he comes back.. you guys should go marriage or couple counseling. You both have unhealthy habbits.

Even if it doesn't save your relation, it'll help you find the answers to your questions and prepare you for another, healthier relation.

Don't tell me I am blunt. It's certified.

[Mr.Meat]

This is going to be kind of long, but I'm desperate for help, I don't know what to do, my whole world is crashing around me. I need all the advice I can get.

I've been with this guy for the last almost 7 years. We took a year and a half break somewhere in there (my fault, worst mistake ever), but other than that we've been together. First you need to know something about his personality.. When he's in a bad mood he would rather not talk to me until he's out of his funk. I know it sucks, but that's just how he is, and it usually lasts a day or two. He says that he just doesn't want to take it out on me, so he'd rather me leave him alone. I've been completely fine with this. I am the most easy going person ever. He brags about how great of a girlfriend I am all the time. Also about 2 and a half years ago he tried to break up with me. He told me all these bogus reasons that weren't true, and he was really mean to me. I found out later that this was because he just wanted to push me away and make me stop trying so he could start to get over me. The real reason for him wanting to leave turned out to be because he was afraid that I wouldn't wait for him to finish school (it's taking him a long time to finish, and he's really down on himself because of it, which he shouldn't be), and I would leave him. After about a month, everything was back to normal. Since then we've been talking more and more about our future together. He always talks about getting married and everything that goes along with that, but I never pressure him at all.

2 weeks ago my best friend got married, and he came. Everything was absolutely normal, we had a great time. That Tuesday he was supposed to have back surgery, but he ended up passing out and they wouldn't do it. Everything was fine, I visited him in the hospital before they released him, we went out that Thursday night, nothing was out of the norm. He was making little comments about our future like normal, told me he loved me, everything was fine. I had another wedding the next day, and I told him I would call him afterwards and meet up with him. But when I did, he didn't answer or call me back. I couldn't get a hold of him the next night either. It turns out that one of my friends saw him out both Friday and Saturday night. He ended up showing up at the bar I was at Sat night. I went over to say hi, and he just walked away from me and started yelling at me to stop following him. Finally I just went over to him and asked what was wrong, and he just said that he didn't want a wife right now, and for me to leave. He kept yelling, so I left.. I left him alone after that. His surgery was rescheduled for that Tuesday, so Monday night I texted him and said good luck, and that everything would be okay. He responsed the next morning with: "In case anything happens I want you to know I love you". I thought everything was fine after that, but I couldn't get a hold of him in the hospital. They wouldn't give me any info, which I g uess he requested. He texted me when he got home the next day to say that he's home but in a lot of pain. I called him Thursday morning to see if he was okay, but he ignored my call and texted me this: "In case I wasn't clear the other night, don't call me. I only texted you yesterday to let you know I was okay". I asked why, and he said: "We are not meant for each other, we are no longer compatible. You are a major distraction to me". I responded a few times, but that was the last I heard from him. That was 5 days ago.

I don't understand how everythnig is fine one day, and the next day he is ignoring me. Something had to have happened. I think maybe he got his grades from school and didn't do well, so he's blaming me, saying I'm distracting him. But I could be wrong. I don't know what to think, or do. I'm a mess, I lost 5 pounds from not eating, I'm just laying in bed crying, I have no idea what to do. I talked to his friend the other day, and he said that he had no idea anything was wrong, he didn't mention it to him at all. He even said things to his friend about him saving money for our house. Maybe he's trying to make me look like the bad person in the end, I really don't know what to do. HELP.

3 questions?
How are your/his oral skills?
Is he well hung?
Do you own crotchless panties?

[IndiReloaded]

Would you really want to be married to a guy like that anyway? That sounds like the loneliest prospect you could possibly face. Lonelier than actually being alone.

Exactly^.

Fact is, some people just don't need that 'connection' to other people as much as others. Sure, psych folks will call them 'repressed, emotionally insensitive' or whatever, but many of these people go about their lives quite happily. Except for the fact that their partners make them crazy asking for something they really aren't interested in giving.

Does it make them 'bad' people? Dunno. Is the pain you feel from repeatedly bashing your head against a wall the wall's fault? Or is it yours for trying to make a wall a pillow?

Sometimes, its as simple as incompatible relationship needs. Fault doesn't really come into it.