Parents really dislike my gf (and want me to leave her). What do I do?

[farofa]

I am actually rather surprised you didn't prevent this from happening. I can easily see why this sort of intimacy would make a parent feel uncomfortable.

Actually, she is right about this. ^^ I don't know that I'd worry about her killing the baby or you, but the likelihood of her having postpartum depression IS elevated.

That said, the rest of the issues seem minor-to-silly. I mean, if your dad was bothered about the late-night showers, I don't know why he didn't just tell you to ask her to shower during normal hours (and for that matter, I don't know why it didn't just occur to you to ask her without prompting). It seems like many of the issues they had with this girl could have been averted had you spoken up about the household norms to begin with.

I wonder if they simply just didn't like her, and felt the need to concoct reasons? Most of what you wrote was petty nonsense.

Well till this very moment I'm still confused about the sofa issue. We weren't being too intimate though....we were just watching TV and since the sofa wasn't long enough for my gf's long legs, she had to rest her legs on my legs, because I was sitting beside her (kind of hard to explain). Even if it's wrong, I'm so clueless as to why they took this really seriously.

Yes postpartum depression really can happen; I just wish my mum didn't say nonsense such as my gf's killing the baby or me. It's almost like she's telling a little boy to sleep or else a ghost would pay a visit.... :/.

After my dad complained about the late shower, I did talk to my gf and told her it's better to shower earlier, and she complied.

[farofa]

Did your parents let her stay in their house for her entire vacation? Whoa, that's a LONG time for a stranger to be hanging about. More than a few days, and visitors should be paying rent! I would probably dislike ANYONE after more than a week.

Did your girlfriend help out around the house? What positive effort did she make to try to win your parents over?

Yes I admit it's a long stay. But the main reason is because we live in different countries and wanted to spend as much time together as possible. I only get 2 weeks of vacation from work, every year, and she had a 3 month vacation from her university, so we thought it would be good to be together for a while.

She wouldn't have money to pay rent though...she's a student and has no time for a job (law school takes too much of her time), and her mum is a housewife, her dad is a taxi driver who's barely making ends meet.

Also, as *I* was the one paying for virtually everything in our house (mortgage, food, etc), if my gf were to pay rent, she would have had to pay me, but there's no way I would ask her to pay; all I wanted was to be by her side.

Yes my gf did help around though....she did the dishes daily, cleaned the rooms, bathrooms, carpet, even cooked too.

[Petit Papillon]

Yes I admit it's a long stay. But the main reason is because we live in different countries and wanted to spend as much time together as possible. I only get 2 weeks of vacation from work, every year, and she had a 3 month vacation from her university, so we thought it would be good to be together for a while.

She wouldn't have money to pay rent though...she's a student and has no time for a job (law school takes too much of her time), and her mum is a housewife, her dad is a taxi driver who's barely making ends meet.

Also, as *I* was the one paying for virtually everything in our house (mortgage, food, etc), if my gf were to pay rent, she would have had to pay me, but there's no way I would ask her to pay; all I wanted was to be by her side.

Yes my gf did help around though....she did the dishes daily, cleaned the rooms, bathrooms, carpet, even cooked too.

Yeah and it's normal reasonable thing. She didn't pay but she also didn't act like a visitor.She acted like a a normal family member.

[vashti]

For me the partner of my brother,sister and again if I would have children,their partners too, they aren't vistors,they are family.
We don't talk about 15yo boy Vash, he's a grown up man.And besides,if the girl should pay the rent, not to them for sure, but him.It seems like the parents don't pay a broken cent for living there.
Why You're so negative towards his gf?I don't think that she did anything wrong.
Oh come on, don't say that laying her legs on him is already a
acting like the worst slut ever.You sound so.His father has no reason to react like that.I understand if she was kissing him like crazy,grabbing his butt or something.It was a small show that she's close to him...
Again Vash,we don't talk about a little boy...

This is not only a generational issue, but also a cultural issue, my dear. Just because YOU don't have a problem with it doesn't mean no one else would. Also, she ISN'T family. She's a girlfriend this guy had never even met in person (unless I'm mistaken).

Farofa - are your parents lazy, good for nothing loafers, or have they simply fallen on hard times? Do you have your name on the mortgage of this house, or is the house theirs, and you are simply making loans to them?

I mean sure, you can pull the "I pay the bills" card for now, but you may permanently damage your relationship with them. Because of your cultural background, this may matter more to you than it would to some of the posters on this forum.

i suppose in the end, if you want the absolute freedom to do as you like without having to deal with your parent's perspectives, you should move out on your own and let them fend for themselves. I tend to prefer Asian culture's commitment to family, but Western culture's independence. You will have to decide for yourself which value is more important to you.

[Petit Papillon]

This is not only a generational issue, but also a cultural issue, my dear. Just because YOU don't have a problem with it doesn't mean no one else would. Also, she ISN'T family. She's a girlfriend this guy had never even met in person (unless I'm mistaken).

They DID meet before. And cultural issue has nothing to do with being rude to somebody that didn't do nothing bad towards them. Parents actually shouldn't say nothing about their children's relationship unless something bad is going on.And there is NOTHING wrong. IMO
And isn't also like he will sponsor her forever. As he said, she's a law student, I'm sure later she can earn even more money than him and the roles will change.
Vash and not only I have problem with it. Most people commented on here has problem with it. They just can't controll a grown up man's life. It's HIS life,not their. They can do advice, not FORCE him to do something. Cultural issue has nothing to do with it. We live in a free world.

[vashti]

Ahh, you are right. They met in person before. Once. While he was on vacation.

Also, he said his parents were polite - they sat him down to voice their objections after she left.

Finally, the Asians I know have a different way of interacting with their parents than do Westerners. Quite honestly, I can't imagine my Japanese sister-in-law allowing my brother to lay on a sofa at all, let alone hang his legs on her while visiting her parents, and they are married.

And yeah, I see this as cultural. Maybe it's because I'm an old goat.

And for clarification, I already said most of their complaints were nonsense they probably made up because they simply don't like her. It doesn't really change the fact that the guy is going to have to make a choice, does it?

[Petit Papillon]

Oh yes he does.
Hoppily,not wrong. He won't live with his parents till the day he die.
I'm glad I don't have to face such issues. My bf's parents are very easy common, they accepted me from the very beginning and actually his mum sees me already as her own doughter (maybe because my bf is her only child ) .And I'm glad I have to do with such people. But my family is the same.
People do just problems where there shouldn't be problems at all...

[farofa]

This is not only a generational issue, but also a cultural issue, my dear. Just because YOU don't have a problem with it doesn't mean no one else would. Also, she ISN'T family. She's a girlfriend this guy had never even met in person (unless I'm mistaken).

Farofa - are your parents lazy, good for nothing loafers, or have they simply fallen on hard times? Do you have your name on the mortgage of this house, or is the house theirs, and you are simply making loans to them?

I mean sure, you can pull the "I pay the bills" card for now, but you may permanently damage your relationship with them. Because of your cultural background, this may matter more to you than it would to some of the posters on this forum.

i suppose in the end, if you want the absolute freedom to do as you like without having to deal with your parent's perspectives, you should move out on your own and let them fend for themselves. I tend to prefer Asian culture's commitment to family, but Western culture's independence. You will have to decide for yourself which value is more important to you.

Hi vashti,

I did meet her previously. Last year I visited her in her country, and as I said in my first post, it was the best vacation in my life, and her parents even treated me like their son.

The house is owned by my parents, and the mortgage is under their names. I don't expect them to pay back the monthly contributions though (which I've been giving since November 2008). IBM laid many people off, including my dad (in August 2008), and it wasn't his fault, and I would feel bad to ask them to pay back the monthly contributions.

My dad did, however, borrow $20,000 from me, shortly after he got laid off, for funding a business venture that ended up failing, because his business "partner" turned out to be a crook and scammed my dad. That happened because my dad was too nervous about being unemployed, and dived right into this venture without thinking what that crook might do. My dad feels guilty about this and promised to give me back the $20,000, to which I agreed.

As for them being lazy....well, not really. My dad stays glued to his computer for hours upon hours, daily, just to send resumés to lots of companies, and I think it's a clear indication that he wants to work. Some companies interviewed him and almost hired him, but many of them backed off, suggesting that they wanted to "save resources in this tough economic time" =(.

My mum has tried various jobs, but she just can't work due to severe back problems. She's a doctor, but Canada wouldn't recognise her (foreign) medical degree, and she can't practise unless she takes some really expensive board examinations and passes them, and she doesn't even have good English, at least not good enough to pass these exams... :/

[farofa]

Ahh, you are right. They met in person before. Once. While he was on vacation.

Also, he said his parents were polite - they sat him down to voice their objections after she left.

Finally, the Asians I know have a different way of interacting with their parents than do Westerners. Quite honestly, I can't imagine my Japanese sister-in-law allowing my brother to lay on a sofa at all, let alone hang his legs on her while visiting her parents, and they are married.

And yeah, I see this as cultural. Maybe it's because I'm an old goat.

And for clarification, I already said most of their complaints were nonsense they probably made up because they simply don't like her. It doesn't really change the fact that the guy is going to have to make a choice, does it?

Welllll, yes, it *was* a vacation....but I came there just for her though. I also stayed at her parents' house and they had zero problem with me :/.

About politeness: well most of the time (apart from the chicken and shower incidents), they were decent to my gf -- or at least, they pretended to be.
But yeah, I thought my mum's making that huge list was so shocking. I didn't see that coming at all. This happened on 20th February, and on the same night I told my gf about it, and since that day until today, she's been devastated because of that, and has frequent nightmares at nights. I often wish I never told my gf about it =(.

[farofa]

Oh yes he does.
Hoppily,not wrong. He won't live with his parents till the day he die.
I'm glad I don't have to face such issues. My bf's parents are very easy common, they accepted me from the very beginning and actually his mum sees me already as her own doughter (maybe because my bf is her only child ) .And I'm glad I have to do with such people. But my family is the same.
People do just problems where there shouldn't be problems at all...

That's true Pettit-Papillon, I will certainly get my own house when I get married! According to many many many sources, living with in-laws can often create problems, and I'd better be on the safe side. Besides, my gf (future wife) and I would want some privacy too .

I see that you're Polish German. I'm curious, how are the people over there? Do some of them actually think they are superior to other cultures, just because they're Europeans? My mum seems to think that our European and Asian backgrounds are the best, which is why she looks down on my gf. This nonsense really bothers me =(.

Grüße von Kanada! =)

[vashti]

How long did you stay at her house when you visited?

And yeah - BIG mistake telling your girlfriend about this. HUGE.

[IndiReloaded]

If you are the primary breadwinner in the house, doesn't that also make you the boss of it in your culture?

Tell your parents (respectfully), that while you appreciate their concern, you are a man now (bringing income into the house, etc) and that your personal relationships are your business.

Not that you should completely discount your parents opinion of who you bring home, but really, your GF sounds quite nice. Your parents sound kind of racist, frankly, and its not uncommon for their generation (if immigrants from China or Jpn) to be uncomfortable with their children getting serious about someone outside their culture. Its just fear of the unknown, really. Do what you can to reassure them without bending over too far backwards.

Its your life to live, not your parents. You have to live it the best you can.

[Petit Papillon]

That's true Pettit-Papillon, I will certainly get my own house when I get married! According to many many many sources, living with in-laws can often create problems, and I'd better be on the safe side. Besides, my gf (future wife) and I would want some privacy too .

I see that you're Polish German. I'm curious, how are the people over there? Do some of them actually think they are superior to other cultures, just because they're Europeans? My mum seems to think that our European and Asian backgrounds are the best, which is why she looks down on my gf. This nonsense really bothers me =(.

Grüße von Kanada! =)

No no, I'm not german even in 1% .I just live here,also temporary.I plan to get out as soon as possible But as a polish one I can say during the years people changed the way of behaviour. Tho we have a lot of traditions, we are open to other nationalities. For many people it's even fun to have a foreigner at home,I mean in the family. I as myself, I like to spread the polish traditions etc,but still I'm open to the others.Tho I'm polish and I try to live how I was raised, I don't mean to do some culture mixes
Once I was doing pierogi for my boyfriend. Normal one with cheese,potatoes and onion. He asked me if I can put some bacon together with it(he's half french/italian) .I said sure. We were laughing that we do polish-italian mixed pierogi Was fun.
And tho I'm proud of being polish, I don't mind other people having other culture. As long as they let me live my life, I don't mind
Your mother has no reason to look down on Your gf. I wish I would be a bit brazilian Actually I would like to have a bit from every nationality that I adore, but I'm just simple polish one

[farofa]

How long did you stay at her house when you visited?

And yeah - BIG mistake telling your girlfriend about this. HUGE.

I stayed at her house for 3 weeks.

Yeah I can't stop blaming myself for telling my gf about it. It's easily the biggest mistake I've made in my life.

I told my gf that I wish I hadn't told her, because it ended up devastating her so much. But she said: "you made the right choice by telling me, because if not, I would've found out anyway eventually, and I would realise you didn't tell me about it, and I would lose my trust in you."

At the same time, I often wonder....if I didn't tell her, then in the future (i.e: if she ever goes back here, or after she moves here), how would I explain my mum's strange behaviours towards her?

Originally, in July she is supposed to come here again, but upon knowing about my mum's assessment about her, she no longer wants to come here, and instead I'm going to come visit her in July instead.
Knowing how my mum is, I wouldn't want to put my gf in our house anyway (it's like putting a rabbit inside a tiger's cage). So if I had kept things secret from my gf, she'd wonder why I suddenly tell her not to come here, that I would come there instead, etc. *sigh* everything is so complicated now .

What would you have done if you were me? Would you have kept it secret? How would you manage it anyway?

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think you should beat yourself up a second longer for telling your GF about this. Of course, she must sense your parents are weird about her. If you hadn't told her, she might be wondering if *you* were feeling the same, or if its something she has done. In other words, the fact you discussed this means everyone can understand, clearly, exactly whose problem this is. Your parents.

So relax. All you need do now is reassure your lady you love her & figure out a strategy together for how to get your parents onboard. Asian parents are very much into tradition & respect to elders. Why don't you brainstorm some ways your parents can be reversed psyched on this? Have your GF do things for your folks that are *sooo* nice, that they can't help but feel like asses for thinking badly of her.

When my husband was dating me, he would come over and help my parents with their various building projects around our home. He built entire sheds, decks, fences, ditches & fish ponds as well as fixing various things like lawn mowers & flat tires. LOL.

Perhaps your GF can bring flowers (or bamboo). Or fresh fish or vegetables from market. Or bring your mom some nice material like a silk she would enjoy. That kind of thing.