Will Mistake Ruin Relationship?

[Silentvoid]

I am currently dating the man that I had never thought existed. He's kind, loving, and simply treats me with all the respect that I have been deprived of in past relationships. He has, in the past, been very sexually active. I accept this from him and we have discussed it openly. However, due to sexual abuse in my past, I have not been able to be so open with him.

To cut a long story short, I was mistaken. My ex nearly entered me one night and there was blood and pain, so I always assumed that I had lost my virginity. I told my current boyfriend I had. Now, I am not so sure. He is the first man I have truthfully considered being with since the attack and the thought of me being a virgin brings a huge debate into my mind.

Personally, I was raised to believe that such a thing was very precious...and I still believe it to be so. My mind is in turmoil over how he will act and if I really want to do this with him. I love him, I do, and I want to, but at the same time, I wonder if I will regret the action afterwards. Which, obviously, will haunt me for the rest of my life.

He has plainly stated that he cannot wait until marriage. If I tell him to wait, I'll lose him. I am still hazy about him even staying with me with my virginity. To make matters worse, he is currently staying with his parents and I will not see him for an extended amount of time, so I have to toil over my choices day in and day out.

I am an extremely logical person. I know that I should not be pressured into this. I won't lie, I'm happy that I was mistaken. But I do not want to lose this man. We have waited for the right moment to be with each other and I think that sex is simply part of his way of showing love. But if he is not the one, my future husband might not be able to accept the fact that I gave myself to someone after waiting for so long.

To recap: I'm screwed. What am I supposed to do?

[Yggdrasil]

I am currently dating the man that I had never thought existed. He's kind, loving, and simply treats me with all the respect that I have been deprived of in past relationships.

He has plainly stated that he cannot wait until marriage. If I tell him to wait, I'll lose him.

I am an extremely logical person. I know that I should not be pressured into this.

Maybe apply your logic to this question:

IF he RESPECTS you so much, then why can't he RESPECT your wish to wait till marriage?

Don't you think that's a good question to ask yourself?

Only a suggestion.

[okapa]

Because he respects himself also Yggdrasil and he was open with her and told him what he thought. There is nothing wrong with having needs, them two may just not be compatible?

[Silentvoid]

To clarify, while I believed that I was not a virgin, I was willing to be with him before marriage. Which is why part of me still thinks I should consider it. I see why I would want to committ to him now, but I also remember those dreams I had of being able to give something very special to my husband before my ex supposedly took that away. His sexual abuse changed my morals and because of my one false belief, I now have to deal with one of my deepest moral debates.

Okapa, I agree. He has a great deal of respect for himself and that is why we discussed things extensively before we even dated. Which is why I do not want to suddenly switch things on him. Overlooking this, we are extremely compatible. But I know that one difference like this is nothing to overlook. I must simply decide if it is better to be with him and lose it or keep it and lose him.

[Yggdrasil]

Because he respects himself also Yggdrasil and he was open with her and told him what he thought. There is nothing wrong with having needs, them two may just not be compatible?

No need to become defensive, it was a suggestion to think about.

Of course he respects himself. There's however no compromise possible here. This is not a situation where one can say: ok, I'll give you half now and half after marriage.

Either way, if she has certain objections or fears, then in my opinion he should be understanding about that and respect that.

That has nothing to do with compatibility, but everything to do with understanding and mutual respect.

[Yggdrasil]

But I know that one difference like this is nothing to overlook. I must simply decide if it is better to be with him and lose it or keep it and lose him.

I think you guys are making a big deal about nothing. What's the hurry? Get to know eachother even better before you get in the sack with him. To many people get married way to fast and end up in a divorce. Take your time... That's your right. I don't care what anyone else says.

He has to understand and respect that, otherwise he's full of sh-t.

Face it, if he can't wait now, how is it going to be when you're married? And if he can't understand that right now you're still traumatized, how's that going to be when you're married?

More questions to apply your logic to.

[Lite]

I can understand that some people want to wait until marriage, and others do not. What they (your parents, your sex ed teachers, preachers, etc...) all fail to tell you is that being sexually compatible is hugely important to the intimacy of a relationship. There are a few exceptions to this, but even then it's really hard on the partner that suffers more from the incompatibility.

Sex is a beautiful and for some people it's easier to share with multiple people than just one.

Now to take up Ygg's point of view. Having been married to a woman which I was completely sexually incompatible with and dealing with the emotional fallout of having been married to a woman who slept with me 5 times total including the wedding night and honeymoon... **** that shit in the goat ass.

No, I won't wait. I refuse to wait. I'm not going to put myself financially and legally on-the-line only to find out that the woman isn't compatible with my needs in bed. This man has been honest, and said he wouldn't wait until marriage. Yet he's the bad guy?

There's no bad guy here. There are two people with needs that seem to be incompatible. So, either he can wait, or he cannot. Either she will sleep with him, or she will not.

There's no malice, no evil, no disrespect. Just differing wants and needs. That's it. Having been married, divorced, and married again I can tell you 100% that irreconcilable differences happen. You cannot resolve something with someone who isn't willing to resolve it. Resolution happens regardless of whether you win, lose, or compromise. But if one person isn't willing to do any of that because it fundamentally goes against their needs? Well. That sucks but it happens.

This is why people can't just pick a random person off the street to marry and make things work out.

Would you buy a sports car that will cost you a lot of money without test driving it? And would that test drive be adequate just tooling around the parking lot? Why is picking a wife or husband ANY different?

[Yggdrasil]

Lite, that's a different situation.

Silentvoid clearly states:

due to sexual abuse in my past

That is something he should understand and give her time. This isn't a trauma that will go away in a week, a month or a year. He's gona have to be patient and support her, while she works through the issue. When she's ready, she'll have sex with him. If he can't handle that, then he's not what she needs, no matter how loving and caring and whatever else he is.

Your comments are very vallid for healthy, mature individuals. I don't disagree with what you say in general, but I do disagree with your opinions in this particular case.

[Junket]

For someone who claims to be an "extremely logical" person, it seems very ironic you would still place so much value on having a penis in your vagina the first time.

In fact, if you put so much value on it the first time, I don't see why you wouldn't make an ordeal out of it every single time after that.

[Silentvoid]

Frasbee, I find you extremely disrespectful. Honestly, I have no idea how to respond to your hostile comments. I was raised to always believe that a woman's virginity is a very precious thing and that is what I believe. When that was supposedly taken from me, I was confused. I am not saying that I would not be questioning whether or not I should sleep with my boyfriend if I was no longer a virgin. I am simply stating that the decision becomes a great deal harder because this is something I cannot replace and cannot get back. To be abused for all those years and then to have someone speak in such distasteful terms as you have offends me greatly. This subject is precious to me...and I would kindly appreciate if you not comment on it again. I came here in hopes of help, not to be attacked.

Ygg, I appreciate your input so much. We are obviously still talking...but his moods seem to change. One day he says he is sure that he is ready and the next he is not. He has not pressured me in this way. He has told me that we could wait over a year...but I know it will have to happen eventually, which Lite definitely helped me to understand. I hope I have not portrayed my boyfriend as a bad person...this is simply something that I know will have to be discussed.

And to further thank you, Lite, I know he is looking for a wife. He seems to comment endlessly on our future children and activities...and I'm glad that you commented. It does help me greatly in understanding his need before marriage.

[Junket]

Frasbee, I find you extremely disrespectful. Honestly, I have no idea how to respond to your hostile comments. I was raised to always believe that a woman's virginity is a very precious thing and that is what I believe. When that was supposedly taken from me, I was confused. I am not saying that I would not be questioning whether or not I should sleep with my boyfriend if I was no longer a virgin. I am simply stating that the decision becomes a great deal harder because this is something I cannot replace and cannot get back. To be abused for all those years and then to have someone speak in such distasteful terms as you have offends me greatly. This subject is precious to me...and I would kindly appreciate if you not comment on it again. I came here in hopes of help, not to be attacked.

I'm talking about your virginity, not your abuse, don't try to reel that in to this conversation.

I don't know what country you are from, but if your boyfriend has slept around I'm guessing promiscuity isn't exactly unheard of. In my opinion, virginity is something nobody ever had, or ever lost, but then again I'm a yankee.

Sleeping with a man while in a long term relationship should not be hard for any future husband to understand. Also the value you place on virginity, and your use of the terms "the one" are only going to put pressure on your partners and thus your relationships. You could easily marry a man you think is "the one", lose your virginity to him (a second time or whatever), and then after a few months, or a year or 2 realize he wasn't "the one".

This is a matter of perspective. If he wasn't the one, it's a total loss for you. A failed marriage, a failed attempt at finding your soul mate, and a lost virginity.

On the other hand if you don't believe in soul mates, destiny, or place a high value on virginity (be it oral, anal, or vaginal), then it's business as usual, life goes on.

There were reasons why this virginity thing was considered so sacred that I'm sure if you googled into history you could find the "practical" reasons for it.

Times are different, and your current boyfriend is only proof of this. If this is not something you can handle, then you better hold off on having sex with him (first time or not), and look for someone that holds the same beliefs as you.

If you require marriage before sex, then so be it, wait for someone who will marry you first.

[Silentvoid]

You could read into everything except for the fact that I did not want to hear from you again. I asked you kindly, now I will tell you point blank: Don't comment. You're an ass and I don't want any more of your holier-than-thou comments.

And for someone who thinks he can be a smart ass, your last sentence sure is contradictory.

[Junket]

You could read into everything except for the fact that I did not want to hear from you again. I asked you kindly, now I will tell you point blank: Don't comment. You're an ass and I don't want any more of your holier-than-thou comments.

And for someone who thinks he can be a smart ass, your last sentence sure is contradictory.

I don't see how it's contradictory.

Yes, my viewpoint differs from yours, the point I'm making is that it's similar to your boyfriends, and if you disagree with my opinion on sex and marriage, then you disagree with your boyfriend's.

Therefor your boyfriend may not be the man you want to be with. You already said he said he can't wait until marriage. So either you give up your ideals and have sex with him and risk the chance of him marrying you or not down the line, or he gives up his ideals and waits to marry you first, or you both part ways.

[Lite]

You could read into everything except for the fact that I did not want to hear from you again. I asked you kindly, now I will tell you point blank: Don't comment. You're an ass and I don't want any more of your holier-than-thou comments.

And for someone who thinks he can be a smart ass, your last sentence sure is contradictory.

Actually Frasbee is one of the more respected posters here. Just because he can be a bit crude doesn't mean he's necessarily wrong.

He's also a moderator here.

That having been said. Figure sex is about 25% of your relationship and intimacy. The choice to lose your virginity, and to whom, is a difficult choice. Especially with the patriarchial moral implications. But basically he's (your boyfriend) being a realist about the situation, and you're being an idealist about it.

As for being screwed. Welcome to life and real relationships. This is what happens. One person wants one thing, another wants another. Either you adapt and survive together. Whether it being you win, he wins, or you compromise and both agree to hate the compromise. Or you split up and go your separate ways.

If you're withholding sex due to issues w/ rape/abuse then I would suggest that you really should get some counseling because those issues will not go away when you say I do and there's a ring on your finger. If anything, problems are suddenly magnified once you're married. Because you HAVE to deal with them and the problems it causes your relationship. If you don't, the relationship fails and it costs you a lot of money, causes you a lot of emotional strife, and you become a divorce statistic.

Either you love him enough to overcome your fears, your dogmatic brainwashing, and sleep with him. Or you don't. Either he is OK with waiting (when he has said he isn't), or he isn't and he goes away.

[IndiReloaded]

Also the value you place on virginity, and your use of the terms "the one" are only going to put pressure on your partners and thus your relationships. You could easily marry a man you think is "the one", lose your virginity to him (a second time or whatever), and then after a few months, or a year or 2 realize he wasn't "the one".

I agree with this^.

Are you from a culture where women are considered sex objects? Because, a woman who needs to use her virginity like a bargaining chip for marriage usually only does so b/c she has little else to offer.

And, frankly, your original post sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you are still a virgin, when it sounds to me you are not. An examination by a doctor could tell you if your hymen is still intact, you know.

Sure, your BF could help you get over your issues (you do have some) by helping you get therapy, but ultimately, it is his decision whether he wants to marry someone he has never had sex with. Most people would call him reasonable, and you unreasonable for it. But if you insist, then perhaps you can find a religious person with similar views about sex before marriage?