Messy, messy, messy...

[LittleMascara]

I don't normally seek online help with issues I have but this time I don't think I'm able to work things out on my own and I don't really have anyone who I feel can help me with my current situation, so I'm turning to anyone on here who may be able to give me any bits of advice...

(I apologize in advance for the giant post but it's kind of a complicated situation and my head is a very unorganized place lately.)

In the beginning of April I met a new man. From the second I laid eyes on him I knew he was the kind of guy I'd been waiting for and after getting to know him a bit I knew I wanted him to be mine. We hit it off immediately and within a very short period of time we were hooked on each other. Now I'm the kind of girl who gets small crushes on cute, cool boys relatively easily but when it comes to real, genuine feelings it normally takes me a long time to become that invested. This time was different. Within a matter of weeks I started to notice I was developing strong feelings for him and now after only 2 months I'm starting to fall for him pretty hard. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a very, very long time. But here come the tricky parts...

1) In 2 weeks he's moving out of state for a business opportunity that he can't pass up. He has a passion which can be translated into a full-time, decent paying career if he moves to the east coast. It's the opportunity he's been waiting for for 10 years so despite our recent romance he made the decision to take the job. As sad as I am with the news, I am happy for him and don't blame him one bit for making the choice. We talked about it a little when he first got the news and we eventually came to the conclusion that we were going to enjoy the rest of the time we have with each other for now and that maybe I'd end up on the east coast with him in time- once he gets on his feet and I can get enough money saved up. He didn't initially invite me to go with him when he broke the news to me but the first night we both found out we were just kind of in shock and really upset about the "cruel joke" that had been played on us (the universe kept us apart for years despite apparently having had several mutual friends and other strange coincidences and now that we'd finally met we were being torn apart). I don't think he thought I would want to move with him and he knew he wasn't going to be in the position to have someone else be with him for awhile (his living situation is going to be very crazy for a bit). The day after he told me I mentioned that I really hated the thought of this being the end of our story and that I might be willing to follow him out east. The response I got was basically him telling me that it wouldn't work right away cause of the living/money situation but that afterwards it would be awesome.... Which leads me to #2...

2) I don't know how he REALLY feels about me. He's such a nice guy who hates hurting people or being mean or letting people down, etc. So how do I know he wasn't just going along with me moving out there because I brought it up? Maybe he thinks that it just won't happen or that once we're in the position that it would be possible that he would tell me it wouldn't work anymore, blah blah blah... Unfortunately my previous relationships have cursed me with certain kinds of trust issues. I sometimes have a hard time believing that what someone is telling me is what they really mean/how they feel. He has told me he's into me and seemingly does feel that way by how he acts towards me most of the time but sometimes I can't help but wonder if the things he has said were/are merely out of infatuation and not something more (there's also a possibility of me being a rebound girl, which I'll get to in a minute). I've come to learn a few big things about myself over the last couple years- one being that I do tend to read too much into some things, but it's hard to figure out which things have "hidden meanings" and which ones are just what they appear to be. I've always prided myself on being good at reading most people/situations but when it comes to relationships and love I seem to get a little hazy. I know he cares for me, he's shown me that much, but how much does he really care? Part of the issue I think is just on my end completely in the respects of my not feeling "good enough" for him. I'm a relatively confident girl in most senses but on some levels I'm still very insecure. This is the first boy since my first love (which was over 3 years ago) that I've felt I have real, very strong feelings for and part of me just wonders why he's into me. I feel boring a lot of times, I still have issues with my appearance and overall I'm not sure I really offer him what he wants. Again, I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my STUPID paranoid insecurities, but I don't know quite how sure to let them go. I just keep wondering. It doesn't hinder how I act towards him, but it's always in the back of my mind.

3) Then there's the potential rebound situation. Before he and I met he'd been in an on again/off again relationship with a girl for about 5 years. They were together then they'd split for awhile, date other people and then get back together. I don't know all the details and I've never met the girl but I figure if 2 people continue going back to each other there's either something big there that just won't go away or they're both just scared to be alone and are comfortable with each other. I don't know exactly how the relationship ended the last time but it was definitely on a sour note. From what I've gathered from the things he's told me it sounds like he was the dumpee. A lot of bad, huge things happened between them in the end and he says she's ruined in his eyes and whatnot, which from everything I do believe for the most part, but there's still a part of me that wonders if he's really over her. He still talks about her a decent amount (most of it being negative or in a disappointing light, but the fact that he talks about her says something, right?). He DOES work for the same company as her so they do still have to interact due to that so that does hold some reason in why he still says SOME things about her, but other things seem a little strange. I know that most people can't go through a serious relationship with someone and come out on the other side with blatant disregard for that person entirely, but how am I supposed to know if he's really over her or if he's just broken-hearted and in need of companionship? I've never been a rebound girl before so I don't know the signs or really how to react to it. I'm not a jealous person in the least, I don't mind that he still sees her once in awhile (again, due to having to work together on occasion), but my "i wonder..." train of thought still kicks in when he talks about her.

I'm sure the only real way of finding out any of the answers to these questions is to ask him but I don't know how to go about doing that. Do I just sit him down one day and ask him what he really feels towards me, if he genuinely wants me to go with him when he moves, if he's really over his ex and if he honestly sees himself being happy with me in the long run? That seems like a pretty heavy conversation that I've never really had to have before. So I have no idea how to go about it. I've wanted to tell him I love him for a couple weeks now, ever since it really hit me that I DO love him, but I don't know how to say it. I've never had that problem before either. In my past relationships it's either been simply not an issue cause the relationship didn't mean enough for either person to say it or it was just something that naturally happened and wasn't a big deal (which is a bit sad, looking back on it). It's still early in our relationship so I don't want to freak him out by telling him I love him (PLUS he's leaving, so it might be a slap in the face to throw the L card at him right before he leaves) and what if he doesn't feel the same way?

I've really only been in 3 long-term relationships before this one (this relationship has been a short one so far but I consider it "serious" due to the feelings I have for him) and looking back I've only really been in love with one of the men I've genuinely dated. Most of the serious relationships haven't been all that serious, to be honest. Not in the sense of having to deal with heavy situations or "what do I do?!" insecurities. So I guess I'm still kind of a rookie at the hard stuff. Maybe I'm completely out of my mind and being silly but like I said, I really, really care about this guy so I'm just trying to sort it all out in my head.

Hopefully this all makes sense and I explained the situations well enough for you to get a general idea of what's going on. Any advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated. My head is spinning!

-J

[gerberakasbah]

I think you need to talk to him about it. And do it in a staightforward way, it may be painful now but it would be worse to stay together and then find out how he feels. Tell him that you know he is a nice guy, that you really care for him, but ask him if he is ready for you to move out there with him or if it is just too soon in a relationship to take that step. Tell him that your feelings will not be hurt (lie) if he feels it is too soon, they will be more hurt if he tries to be nice about it, you save up your money, uproot your life and then find out he wasnt really that serious about you.

[Lite]

Uhm, don't hold your breath and wait for him.

Move on with your life, stay in touch, and if you two want to give it a go again go for it. However in the meantime you shouldn't hope that he changes his mind.