she's "got her guard up"

[dragoon]

Wow, we broke up tonight

My girlfriend and I were together a mere two months. But I really liked her. A lot. I can't believe it just ended so suddenly, and a big part of me doesn't really think it's over (although deep down inside I'm pretty sure it is).

When we started dating we fell for each other pretty hard. We both liked each other a lot. We did and said things that showed we had very strong feelings for each other. I definitely felt that way (still do), and I truly believe she did too (I think she still does). For the first month or so, things were awesome.

Then for a couple of weeks she seemed different. She'd drift away, then she'd come running back all infatuated again. Last weekend we spent the entire time together (I stayed at her place), and it was awesome. But then I called her on monday and she never called me back. She called me on tuesday, but juuust as she was going to bed so she could only talk for a few minutes. Same with wednesday. Thursday we didn't get in touch at all. The whole time I could feel something in the air. This call pattern was not like us at all and we didn't see each other all week. Tonight we had a date, and well we got to the dinner part of it... I knew something was wrong all this week, it was like she didn't really want to talk to me but at the same time keep pinging me so I won't really think something is wrong. Even though I knew something was.

After dinner we went back to my place to get something. You could cut the tension with a knife, so I just stopped and started talking. We talked for a long time, and we concluded that she's now scared about committing to me. And because of that she's become distant. But at the same time she has feelings for me and so she didn't want to stop seeing me. From what I can tell she was just going to try and keep going like this, she said she "hoped it would go away". The killer is she admitted she's felt like this for a while now. All the while doing things pretty much geared to make me feel like she's still just as into me as ever

I feel like I was led on. Even if she really does have strong feelings for me, I deserve to know if she is not ready for a relationship. She did and said things that made me really think I had found something fantastic. But all the while she's thinking she doesn't want a relationship. I got mad at this (and I think understandably so). She was so interested in defending herself she didn't think what it might do to me.

Why is she so defensive? She was engaged to a guy for seven years. He was very abusive to her. Not physically (or so she says), but emotionally. She's told me what he did and yeah, the guy was a complete scumbag. This is her reason for being afraid. It's a valid one, sure. But she had a one year relationship with another guy between the fiance and me, and she even never gave any indication that relationship would have ended if she had her way (he left her). The idea that she really wants to get back with this guy is a decent one I think.

Is she just BSing with me? I honestly can't tell. I thought I knew her (well, two months knew her). But now she's this totally different person and I honestly can't trust anything she says. Tonight just turned my world upside down. She'd been doing one thing and thinking another for quite some time (and it was even me who had to drag the truth out, how long would she have gone?)

What I have found the weirdest is she has no remorse. No nothing. Maybe this hasn't hit her yet. But after I took her home I called her. We calmly talked, but I was clearly mad. She just casually and calmly said "sorry". It was one of those sorries like "oh sorry for bumping into you" kinda sorry. If it hasn't hit her, that's fine. If she really doesn't care, then yeah she was toying with me the whole time I think.

I really want to believe her. I want to believe she fell for me just as much as I did her. I want to believe that after I'm out of her life for a while she'll change her tune. I don't feel sad, at all. I'm still a little mad, but sadness has not hit. In fact other than not being able to sleep, I feel pretty much fine. I think my denial is just that I can't really believe we're over (hopefully she is in denial too). I guess time will tell. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

[squirrley]

Ya know Dragoon relationships are funny that way. You THINK things are the way they are for a reason-based on their actions or their lack of...I dont blame you for being mad...she made you believe things were great for this time while her thinking of other things. I was recently in a situation where someone led me to believe things were going in a certain direction, I asked for honesty and got lied to the entire time. I despised that and now despise the guy for it.

Its important that you communicate in a relationship no matter what kind. Your x (sorry know that hurts) obviously doesnt give a rats ass about YOUR feelings. Thats the sad part. I think youre doing the right thing by letting go and going through the emotions. Denial is certainly part of it. And righfully so youre angry-she lied to you. I wouldnt want to get back into this relationship with her even down the road. For weeks she felt this way and didnt have the courage to talk to you. It says a lot of her character-ending it and acting aloof like no big deal.

Hang in there-time will help this and I know its cliche as hell but true too! I only give her credit in the fact she did it now rather than another 6 months down road when youre invested even more. At least you know NOW and not later.

Goodluck to you buddy...and remember everything happens for a reason-when one doors closes another opens and another...opportunities are endless...

[dragoon]

Thanks Squirrley.

We got together and had a long talk today. I see her perspective much better now. And, well, we are going to try to continue. I know what you're thinking. But I pretty much know it's over despite this. I can't help but give it one more try, I really like her a lot. Things are totally different now, and who knows, things could really fall into place. I could win the lottery too. I don't claim to be the smartest person, but when I want something I tend to go for it. I've got the scars to prove it

[squirrley]

well goodluck to ya!!!

[dragoon]

Thanks. Through even more discussion the real truth of what we want and are has been coming out. I actually think we stand a chance now.

[dragoon]

Bleh. And now she totally can't make up her mind: one day totally into me and fearing losing me, the other day basically wanting to just be friends. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, I don't think she's intentionally toying with me. But I have outright told her to make up her mind, take some time if needed, or otherwise I'm out of here. I'm taking time off from us anyway, that will probably do both of us a world of good.

I'm not going to sit around and get my emotions bat around like a cat toy for some off chance of love. So yeah, from wonderful to bleh in two months. But the fact remains I still like her, and assuming she really is confused and really isn't just fugging with me, then she's worth it. So like the dumb puppy I hang around (for now)...

[dragoon]

And to contribute yet more to my own thread

She just flat out said just now that she's fighting between her brain and her heart. So I will end it tonight. And I must admit, I feel quite relieved. I mean it this time too, it's definitely done. Learned well, and moving on...

[Fawn]

I'm glad you made a decison. Sometimes you just have to make it for yourself... to let yourself move on....


Edit: Can't spell! Eep!

[squirrley]

Good for you. I know it hurts-but there is a sense youre relieved. Thats the best part for you. When you FEEL THAT then you know it was the right decision to let go.

[IceQueen]

Well, how is she supposed to experience withdrawal if you're in her face all the time?

[dragoon]

How am I in her face? She's initiated all contact since this started. If she never did that, we pretty much would have not said a word to each other in the past 5 days. With the exception of the one long talk, almost all of this has been her emails. Where she can just say what she wants without needing my presence, and well yeah, I'm going to read it.

[Arnie]

dragoon

Your posts here have caught my interest because I have found myself in an IDENTICAL situation after a one month good relationship and now a strange stop go type vibe coming from the girl. SHe explains that it is her "putting her guard up" and pretty much comes after me and backs off and then comes after me again. It really is very similar to what you say. However, I am very unsure of the "guard" behaviour - I believe that her ex is in and out of the scene which would explain her change in behaviour from day to day - I cannot understand how someone who wants something, can back off becuase of fear it could harm them? Its very odd behaviour. She has been mucked about before but not to a degree that it could change her view so heavily. So what I am asking is - do you know if the girl you were seeing had gone back to her ex, or do you believe that I am wrong and that she could well be feeling insecure and need protection from her own feelings?

Arnie