Jealous mother?

[lovemuffin]

I moved back home to my mom's a few years ago when she came down with cancer. I am the only relative near her and helped her for 2 months recuperate. After seeing how much $ I was saving I decided to stay on. I lived in 1 bedroom inlaw apartment next to/attached to the house until it got flooded last winter she stopped renting when she discovered she had cancer. I have since moved inot the main house and am actaully living in the bedroom I grew up in as a child (totally redecorated).

When I was living in the apartment, I had a male friend I have had for 10+ years stay overnight a few times as he has a long drive and was helping me with different things (computer, winterizing the apartment....). He and I have never been intimate and I have expressed this to her numerous times and I have had numerous boyfriends while being friends with him. One morning a female friend of mine stopped by unannounced early. I let her in and my male friend and she and I all had breakfast together. My mother, upon finding this out, was livid and insinuated we must have had a menage-a-tois even though I told her my female friend came over that morning. She has accused me of sexual things all my life and when I've told her a male is just a friend never believes me.

My mom got divorced when she was 35 (I was 3) and hasnt' really had any relationships with me since.

I also play music part-time professionally. This is something she always wanted to do but never had the confidence. She suffers from migraines a few times a week and hardly ever goes out or socializes. I know I need to move out, but I really want to try to save enough money to be able to buy even a studio condo which I can barely even do. I just don't know how to deal with her apparent jealousy. It drives me crazy to A) see how unhappy she is, and B) deal with her jealousy. Many times I downplay the joys in my life when I'm around her. Also, she said something one day about making a move on a new boyfriend of mine acting like she was kidding. This really scared me because I wondered when I was a teenager if somethuing happened between a boyfriend of mine and her due to something that happened I wont' go into here. she also said not long ago something about a guy who was fixing something on the house had come onto her. He's married and she acted like "well married ppl get bored sometimes" and sort of indicated she might have a fling with him. This right after a boyfriend of mine had devistated me by cheating on me. I showed disdain at the idea and she got mad at me. The one day she said somethign about flirting with a guy I was seeing. I told her I would punch her out if she ever did such a thing and again she got mad at me and days later said I really shouldn't say suich things to her. I told her "well you shoudln't say such things to me"

Any suggestions?

[vashti]

I must be missing the part about how she is pathologically jealous, and I can see why a mother wouldn't be excited about unusual sexual activity happening under her roof (even if she has drawn the wrong conclusion).

Anyway, you are a big girl. If you don't like the living arrangement, then suck it up and move. What you are doing now is USING your mother for monetary gain, and I don't really see how that is any more appropriate than her behavior.

[lovemuffin]

I must be missing the part about how she is pathologically jealous, and I can see why a mother wouldn't be excited about unusual sexual activity happening under her roof (even if she has drawn the wrong conclusion).

Anyway, you are a big girl. If you don't like the living arrangement, then suck it up and move. What you are doing now is USING your mother for monetary gain, and I don't really see how that is any more appropriate than her behavior.

I do give her $ every month -- not as much as she was getting when renting the apartment, but about 3/4 of that.

[vashti]

So.... your argument is that you are only using her a little?

[lovemuffin]

I didn't post this to talk about money. My mother was the one who asked if I wanted to move into the apartment because she didn't want strangesr living there anymore and she offered me the lower rent. I posted this about what has been an ongoing issue between my mother and I since I was a teenager and the stress it puts on our realtionship. And frankly, whenever I've mentioned to her that I am looking at a condo to buy or move out she seems to not like the idea of me leaving her alone. Not that that will persuade me not to do if the time is right.

Also, I don't know if you noticed.. but a lot of ppl are getting laid off these days, ppl even older than I, and as a result moving back into their parents house because they can't make ends meet.

I would really appreciate putting the focus back on my interpersonal issues with my mother which have caused me great stress espcially recently. Or maybe I should just ask you Vashti.. how would you handle the issues I mentioned above... particularly discovering your mother may have slept with one of your boyfriends when you were a teenager?

[vashti]

Or maybe I should just ask you Vashti.. how would you handle the issues I mentioned above... particularly discovering your mother may have slept with one of your boyfriends when you were a teenager?

Wow, that sucks. How would I handle it? I think I'd move out. It sounds like that would solve a lot of your problems and reduce a lot of the stress in your life. But, it will cost you. How much is your sanity worth?

[Rollerderby]

You didn't say you knew for sure that she did something with a boyfriend. What exactly makes you so sure to convict her of this, if you don't have proof?


She sounds a little nosy about who you're with in your life, and seems to be of the "misery loves company" mindset. Is she/ or has she been abusive to you in anyway?

[lovemuffin]

You didn't say you knew for sure that she did something with a boyfriend. What exactly makes you so sure to convict her of this, if you don't have proof?


She sounds a little nosy about who you're with in your life, and seems to be of the "misery loves company" mindset. Is she/ or has she been abusive to you in anyway?

My boyfriend came over one day and I was about to get in the shower. I told him he could watch TV in the livingroom while I showered. I snuck downstairs while the shower was running to give him a surprise kiss while I was in just my towel. I put my hands over his eyes and he said something (can't remember) like that made it seem he thought it was someone other than me -- something like "I didn't think we'd get a chance to be alone". When he turned and saw me he looked surprised. I said "Why did you say that?" He said "I was just kidding." My mother has also always been flirtatious with all my boyfriends and always trying to keep me from having them.... or another way to say it -- never expressing happiness towards any of my relationships with men.

As far as abusive.... not physically, but accusing me of having sex with guys I told her repeatedly were just friends and she just wouldn't believe me. Men is our main issue -- always has been.

[Rollerderby]

That is weird. You should probably be keeping all your relationships away from your mom. The "I was just kidding" response doesn't even make sense. I can understand your suspicion.

[vashti]

I'm not sure why you'd even WANT to live with such a woman. Surely this can't be only about money. You can get less destructive room mates in the newspaper.