Should I call it a day?

[mrslonely]

This is a long story but I need help,,,

10 years ago after a divorce I met what seemed a lovely man. We courted but I was worried about my children. He promised me he loved kids,,,,

From the start his children made things difficult. they lived with us and hated their dad remarrying from the start.

They have never accepted me and my children. They have never sent us birthday cards/xmas cards etc,,,,and have always made it obvious that they didnt want me or my kids around,,,,

Over the last 10 years there have been many ups and downs but my main problem has always been that he has let them get away with it, for fear of upsetting them,,,

they have at times been quite mean to my kids (these 2 are older).
My husband has never really made that much effort either,,,,never done anything with mine really, but goes all out for his,,,,

I used to make a huge effort with his but over the years I have given up thinking they'll come round to me,,,

It doesnt help that their mum (my husbands ex) has also encouraged them to not form bonds with us,,,

To cut a long story short, i'm beaten. It's like its a him and his kids, me and my kids kinda family. This makes me very unhappy and I just cant do it anymore,,,,

please help,,,

[vashti]

Well, this is an ugly truth about step families - it is not at all uncommon that they NEVER blend. After all, kids have absolutely no say in who their parents marry (or date), and yet they have entire families thrust upon them when they are still angry about their own family falling apart. Also, it is harder for older children. Knowing this makes me certain I would never remarry while having minor children if my husband were gone for some reason.

How old are all the children at this point, and how do your kids feel about your husband? Also, could you please describe what sort of behavior the older kids subject the younger ones to? Where does everyone live, and what is the visitation schedule like?

[Rollerderby]

yes ages help.

Your husband should be taking your side a bit too. Especially if it's his kids. He is the only one who has a say, and if he lets them get away with it, then they get away with it. I know his children will probably come first a lot (maybe because he feels guilty) but that still doesn't make it right. He should make the same efforts you make towards your kids as he makes towards his. Otherwise, it's just as much his fault as his kids fault as to why the applecart is upset.

[mrslonely]

His are now 22 and 20. The 22 yr old now left home, but they still have the same attitude to mine.

Mine are now 17, 14 and 9.

They've never been physical. It's just always been things like one word answers and a general lack of interest in them,,,,,

Mine have just accepted the way things are over the years,,,,Which sometimes make me ashamed of myself that I should stick up for them and myself more,,,

But that's not as easily said as done

[vashti]

Rollerderby -

I don't think it is at all appropriate to say what the husband should or should not be doing with all these kids when we don't even know the living arrangement.

If his kids live with their mother, then naturally his interaction with the kids will be colored by the fact that they aren't with him as much as they should be. Also, his kids may be acting like normal teenagers, and MrsLonely may not fully understand that her kids will get to that stage, too. (They are "mean" to the younger kids? Aren't most siblings mean to each other now and then?)

Or, this new marriage may be the result of an affair that tore his children's family apart.

I have kids. I adore them, and I would do anything for them. However, I wouldn't expect anyone else in the world to feel the same way about them that I do. Why should they? They didn't bring them into the world.

Incidentally, I have step-kids, too. I am very much aware of these family dynamics and the unrealistic expectations adults have about them.

[vashti]

His are now 22 and 20. The 22 yr old now left home, but they still have the same attitude to mine.

Mine are now 17, 14 and 9.

They've never been physical. It's just always been things like one word answers and a general lack of interest in them,,,,,

Mine have just accepted the way things are over the years,,,,Which sometimes make me ashamed of myself that I should stick up for them and myself more,,,

But that's not as easily said as done

Is the 9 year old a product of this marriage, then?

As for the rest - it sounds normal to me. His kids aren't obligated to have intense feelings for your kids, but they are obligated to be civil.

Unless there is more to this story you aren't telling us, I think your expectations are out of line. His kids should be pretty much non-factors at this point. They are young adults with their own lives.