Having trouble accepting fiancée’s male friends

[HopelesslyInLuv]

So, it is done. We are no longer a couple.

Sad excuse for a man that I am, I tried everything imaginable to convince her that what I asked of her was not so much. When I felt I exhausted all of my options, I said I was breaking the engagement and gave her the engagement ring she gave me (it's a tradition here). She refused to accept it and refused to accept the end of our engagement.

She said that people do not break engagements for this reason. I replied "They don't break engagements when the woman thinks it is ok for her to go out with guys that she has a sexual attraction or romantic attraction to while supposedly in a committed relationship?"

Se said that was I described was so hypothetical that she couldn’t possibly promise it. She said “What if I was to feel like I need to continue dating one of these men I want sexually and/or romantically? Then I would have to break the promise that I made to you”.

She also said that she wouldn’t tell me the details of her dates because it would likely upset me. I think it is obvious that I would be upset by the fact that she goes out on dates with guys and they try to kiss her goodnight, try to get her to go home with them etc. But, I still want to know. It’s all about openness. I shouldn’t have to guess what happened or ask her a bunch of questions each and every time she dates some guy. Besides, I have never got angry with her for the behaviour of the men. The worst I said was “Just as I would have expected”.

I tried what I could to convince her that I wasn’t being unreasonable. She feels there is risk all around and you can’t avoid it, just deal with it. But, of course at the same time she won’t walk down an abandoned alley in the middle of the night. It is simply common sense to evaluate danger/risk and plan appropriately.

Ultimately, I still believe that she would not have cheated on me. That she would have simply gone out with these guys out of curiosity, and it never would have gone any further.

I think what it really comes down to is that she showed complete lack of respect for me and for our relationship. I simply asked her to be respectful of our relationship and disclose the details of her dates and promise to break off these relationships if there is evidence of a possible danger to our relationship.

I walked her back to her office. I told her as she was about to go in that I would not be texting her and that we could arrange things such as the return of her property via emails. Only then did she say “are you breaking up with me?”. At which point I said “Yes, what did you think this was about?” That’s when she returned the ring. I couldn’t have been more clear. I spoke of how I promised to do everything I could to save our relationship and not break up unless I could see no other solution. Then I told her I was breaking off the engagement, which she refused to accept. But, at some point I thought she accepted it. It was very strange.

I don't quite know how I feel. I do know that I won't crawl back to her. A part of me wishes she would come to her senses finally and everything will be OK. But, that is unrealistic. The nature of our relationship is that she does something to hurt me, and I apologize for being hurt. Yes, a poor excuse for a man. As many have said, this is why we are in this position now. Perhaps if I had stood up to her sooner and more forcefully we could have avoided all of this. But, I'm not so sure. Certainly I will not beat myself up over it.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

I forgot to mention. She actually suggested that I write to a forum about all of this. I gave her a copy of what I wrote. She said that basically it was right, but there were some inaccuracies. She said there were only 5 guys in her group of male friends. Though, I have pictures showing 6. So, I'm not sure what to say about that. Also, she doesn't recall going away for weekends with them, except on one occassion. She also says that from my post it seemed like she was out trolling chat rooms etc but in reality the men came to her.

I said that I didn't think those changes would have affected what people said in response. I really did try to avoid bringing up what people said here. But, it is hard to not to present evidence indicating that I was not being unreasonably jealous.

I can't say this doesn't hurt. I feel like I have lost the true love of my life. That she cannot be replaced. I just wonder how I will survive in a situation where everything is just a little bit less. I will have my self respect and hopefully the respect of my partner, but have lost so much else. At this point it is hard for me to evaluate the importance of each, and how I move forward.

I guess I am counting on time to straighten things out in my head.

I have a lot of work that I have been neglecting of late. That is my task during this mourning period.

[Junket]

I told you dude. You didn't have to explain yourself to her.

When you break up with someone, it doesn't have to be mutual, and the other party doesn't need to understand your reasoning because their opinion no longer matters.

But congratulations!

After a period of grief, I'm sure you'll feel great and a hell of a lot less burdened without having to carry all that emotional weight.

[Aeradalia]

If you had self-respect to begin with... you still would not have been able to save this relationship... rather, you would've recognized its toxicity to you much sooner and would've ended it.

You have lost a burden and gained a new perspective on life --- one that will hopefully allow you to see that you can be happy without having to endure the head games.

It will hurt only because you miss 'someone'... not necessarily her. In due time... you will realize that she wasn't even close to the person you were wanting and more importantly... needing.

[Konart]

Sorry you're sad, but I'm glad that you took a stand and ended this mess. I still think she's crazy to think that she could meet up with these random men and not tell you what happened while hanging out. I really don't get her logic in wanting to do that.

You'll be a stronger man after all this.

[Mish]

She refused to accept it and refused to accept the end of our engagement.

You should've told her that it's done and to find a way to deal with it. I think it was way too generous of you to explain yourself further.

Se said that was I described was so hypothetical that she couldn’t possibly promise it. She said “What if I was to feel like I need to continue dating one of these men I want sexually and/or romantically? Then I would have to break the promise that I made to you”.

I read the above statement a couple of times and it still doesn't make sense to me. Her mind is askew. She has no comprehension of commitment.


Overall though, good riddance. You will gain a lot of your lost sanity back.

[bluesummer]

What can I say but congratulations? Seems mean, as I know you're probably hurting right now, but over time you are going to see this is for the best. You will meet someone else, and next time you will be more wary of disrespect before things get serious. Take it as a lesson learned. Don't call yourself weak either.....at least you had the balls and the conviction to go through with this all the way. A weak man would've just stayed, taken the abuse, and made excuses to himself why it's acceptable for her to treat him that way.

You didn't mention her getting terribly upset over this. I mean, if my fiance broke up with me I'd be a hysterical mess. Obviously it's not that big of a deal to her? Hm. Well, now she can do whatever she wants with all these guys....my guess is that she will.

[Lite]

She seemed to be missing the one thing integral to all relationships that are meant to last. Faith in you to do right by her, and most of all faith in herself to do right by you.

She may be the person you love the most right now, but I'm pretty confident that you will find someone who will treat you far better, that you can love and in turn they will return that love in a way that you can accept, with general relationship behavior that you can accept.

I'm sorry it didn't work out how you wanted, but at least you learned that she is incapable of telling men no, and enforcing the boundary that is a relationship. She couldn't even tell you about the dates, because she knew she had done wrong by you. Not because it would upset you, but because she KNEW THAT SHE HAD WRONGED YOU and broken your trust.

[Junket]

And she's a slut.

[Gigabitch]

She has said that if I push her, she will quite likely cheat on me. This is the end. How could it be anything else?

So glad to hear you say this.

Being single > Being in a bad relationship

So simple, and so true.

we need a new word for weak men.

how about little wee wee's?

Wiener works for me.

I can't say this doesn't hurt. I feel like I have lost the true love of my life. That she cannot be replaced.

Oh, sure she can. I'm sure she's not the only deranged narcissist in your area. Beware of this. Don't get another one of these girls.

[doppelgaenger]

Wiener works for me.

Wiener is the German word for something that comes from Vienna, Austria. It's also the German word for a person from Vienna.

I personally like pibsqueek.

[Aeradalia]

How bout 'worm' in reference to a weak man?

It works on many levels:

- It's a jab at his manhood.
- Infers that he lacks a backbone.
- Almost mindless.
- Eats what other things shit out.
- And takes a lot of abuse.

[misombra]

i don't think so. worms do great things for the earth.

[doppelgaenger]

How about shithead? Shitheads don't do a great deal for this world.

[Junket]

Nah, I prefer pussy.